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Borrowed Time

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TinTinn
  • TinTinn

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#1

Posted 30 April 2012 - 08:16 AM

Uncle Van
He reminisces his life
As he stares outside the window sill
What does life bring
What does life take
Is it all a matter of destiny, fate.

In his dying moments
Attachted to a machine
Hangs loose memories of what was seemed
The last memory of my Mother
Is in the arms of this droid, this machine

Uncle Van
With a tear in his eye
Tries to whipe it but can't move
He's to scared to move
As every time he breaths
He wishes more and more for the lord to take him
A void clears his mind, with old photos and music
The government are controlling this droid, this machine
It's borrowed money, hope and time
In his final breaths, a new life is born

Awoken

A feeling of excitement clears thoughts of death
He knows that death is a stage, doorway
He reaches terminal velocity
He reaches Waking Life
He sees the bright light and noises
And all we hear is the dull flatline
Uncle Van wakes up as a baby

Tyler
  • Tyler

    This is gonna take crackerjack timing, Wang.

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#2

Posted 02 May 2012 - 01:20 PM

QUOTE (TinTinn @ Monday, Apr 30 2012, 02:16)
...

In his dying moments
Attached to a machine
Hangs loose memories of what was seemed what?
The last memory of my Mother
Is in the arms of this droid, this machine

Uncle Van
With a tear in his eye
Tries to wipe it , but can't move
He's to scared to move
As every time he breathes
He wishes more and more for the lord to take him
A void clears his mind, with old photos and music
The government are controlling this droid, this machine what?
It's borrowed money, hope and time
In his final breaths, a new life is born

Awoken

A feeling of excitement clears thoughts of death
He knows that death is a stage, doorway
He reaches terminal velocity
He reaches w aking l ife
He sees the bright light and noises
And all we hear is the dull flatline
Uncle Van wakes up as a baby

There's a few problems I have with the wording and structure of the poem. mainly, the poem is too grounded in unoriginal phrase and common wording to really get a new feeling. Death and rebirth is a very covered subject, the only way you can hope to break out of cliché is to incorporate your personal experience and/or indulge in less common storytelling.

Some things particularly made no sense to me, however:

QUOTE

...
Hangs loose memories of what was seemed
...


I'm not entirely sure what you were going for with this, to be honest.

QUOTE
The government are controlling this droid, this machine


Same with this. Is "The government" referring to the fact that hospitals are government-run? It's also worded improperly. The flow of the poem seems to be a bit off, overall. You have an interesting idea, but ideas are only half of the equation.




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