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The Green Moan

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glenn tha killer
  • glenn tha killer

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#1

Posted 25 April 2012 - 09:47 PM

The Green Moan





*Note this is about Irish immigrants in the American Civil war




Starved, sent away on a ship to the new land, where the streets are paved with gold. If you live on a ship for that long. To the streets you go....but no. Free food and easy money off to war instead, become American fight the south dont worry, "If you need help just give a shout!". Get a gun a uniform a fancy hat and of to kill just like that. Stand in line and look fine you`ll be a hero in no time. When the flags pole and the drums role you think of the new home and then with the first negative tone screams the officer to go. We charge, we fall, we die and we do it all again untill only a few stand. We reach the cannons and strike, just like your skills learned with your pike. Give them a fright and they lose all their might.

Wait you hear a whistle they start to run away you here names and screams. In all your dreams about war between us human beings your friends dont die on a field where you wouldnt normally yeild. You get on a boat and sail for you home or hole to see your wife who thought you lost your life. One thing you learn is that life is a lie and death can not yet be seen.


Tyler
  • Tyler

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#2

Posted 26 April 2012 - 06:37 AM

There's a couple of really irksome things about the way you wrote this that put me off. There's really no need to fluff up the words and have them as large green text. There's also the fact that you chose to set out the poem in form of two paragraphs instead of stanzas. It seems a bit odd, especially since spacing this out would accentuate your rhythm and make the form easier to follow.

As for the poem itself, several word mix-ups pulled me away from the story you were telling me. In particular:

QUOTE
Get a gun a uniform a fancy hat and of to kill just like that.

It's "off" but I'm certain this was just a typo. All the reason to revise your work before posting.

QUOTE
Wait you hear a whistle they start to run away you here names and screams

You used the proper version of "hear" only a few words before!

There's a few spelling errors but like I said revise and you're set on that business.


In future poems I'd suggest expanding your vocabulary and using atypical descriptions to show your point. Poems are a raw form of expression that thrives on diversity in language and composition, and digging out your own style will make your poems unique amongst the many who delve into the practice. Aside from grammar and vocabulary, I felt like your story broke rhythm several times, but I'm very bad at reading a paragraph with a sense of rhythm. tounge.gif

There was a line that I definitely thought stood out:

QUOTE
Stand in line and look fine,
you`ll be a hero in no time


It's a very clear and concise bit. Throwing a few lines like this in between detailed prose gives breathing room and leaves the statement as a nice segue between parts of your writing. To me, it felt more memorable than most of the poem.

Mokrie Dela
  • Mokrie Dela

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#3

Posted 26 April 2012 - 11:30 AM

Im a big supporter of peotry on here, but this didn't work for me. I kept looking at it thinking "This is a poem?"

Sure you can have poems that don't adhere to stanzas and couplets etc, but this just looked to me like a bit of prose. I struggled to see the rhymes, or the connection between 'lines', i struggled to get the feel of it, the theme seems lost in the confusion of the formating , which is my biggest problem.

We all make spelling errors and such, and they're easily fixed, but if i were you i'd reformat this completely.

ItsOnlyAce
  • ItsOnlyAce

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#4

Posted 26 April 2012 - 02:43 PM

I think the spacing confused me, because I kept having to go back a sentece to see if or where it rhymed.

glenn tha killer
  • glenn tha killer

    Irish.

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#5

Posted 26 April 2012 - 03:45 PM

Yea sorry lads. I wrote it a year ago and found it the other day. Your all correct its a terible poem but I had a shot at it anyway. icon14.gif




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