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John Garrett's big jackpot

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Boris The Vodka
  • Boris The Vodka

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  • The Yardies
  • Joined: 03 Dec 2010
  • Russia

#1

Posted 19 April 2012 - 11:36 AM

Prologue

John Garrett always was a man with fantasy. Never doubted his own decision. Never. And he didn’t doubt then. And his company of six never doubted as well. His company of six, company of great friends.
This robbery had to be the last in their career. It had to. And it was.
The only one survived. The other ones were buried in one tomb. Ken still remembers the time when everyone was alive...

Chapter 1. The robbery

At 8AM, as planned, John and his company arrived at John’s warehouse, where the robbery was discussed. The robbery that had to be done at 8PM.
John loved his warehouse. His childhood and youth were here. He worked there for a long time. Till his father died. He loved everything here: the noise the machines were making, those same machines. And people who worked there. And even the frozen meat in the fridge. He loved everything, absolutely.
John began to talk.
«I wanted to see you here, gentlemen, to discuss a plan of robbery which will be today. At 8PM we get to the casino and start. Now, to what everyone will do. Jose, you need to get to the repository and open it. Then, Luke and Billy will come and clean the place. Billy, turn the alarm off. Then wait for Miller and Grant, who will transport the money bags into the car. I will be there too and cover all of you. When all the bags will be in the van, we drive to our base. Everything clear?»
«Yes, boss», - the idea was great, everyone thought. Except for Miller.
«John, honestly, I don’t like this idea», - Miller was like one vs. one hundred.
That Miller, or Miller Cooper, to be exact. The only childhood John’s friend, he always was at his side when decisions took place. Now he wasn’t that sure in John, and even in himself.
«Don’t worry, Miller, everything will be great. You know me», - John returned the assurance to Miller and continued his speech.
«Okay, everyone near the casino, 8PM. Get some rest. And God help us».
John ended, and the company went to their houses before evening. It was so near now.

That day evening...
The company arrived to the place, and now they had only themselves and the casino.
“Alright, this is where we will either die or get rich”, - John spoke very quietly, but he was thrilled, as well.
“Now, Jose, you begin the operation. Tell me when you will open the door, and then wait for Luke and Billy to come. Good luck.”
“Thanks, boss. I’ll try my best. Wait for the signal.”
Jose ran to the casino’s main entrance, and then found the door to the repository. There was one guard-checker there, but Jose was given the false card before the operation, so he was sure.
Everything went fine then.
“Boss, the door is opened, Luke and Billy can go.”
“Good. Luke, Billy, you heard him. Good luck, and God help you.”
Luke and Billy, just like in childhood, were together, making something that can change their lives.
The guard’s reaction was too slow to shoot at Luke and Billy. They came inside the repository and killed all the guards there. They were sure no one will find out that the repository is opened, and the money will be stolen just in a few minutes.
“Billy, you go and turn the alarm off. I’ll go find Jose, and we’ll destroy the door to safe.”
“Okay, Luke, I’ll do it in a second, trust me.”
“I trust you, kid. Now, go.”
Luke met Jose, and they both put the explosives under the door and destroyed them. At that moment, Billy didn’t turn the alarm off...
“Grant, Miller, your time has come. Go and take the money.”
“Okay, Luke, we’ll be here in a minute.”
Everything went well. Grant and Miller grabbed the money and were free to go. Billy ran to them in horror. They understood something is bad.
“Guys, we have problems. I didn’t turn the alarm off...”

“It’s too quite”, - Ken and John were still in a car.
“Boss, do you hear me? Boss!”
“Grant? What’s happening?”
“Billy didn’t make it. The mafia will be here any minute. We need your help.”
“Holy sh*t! I’ll be there in a moment, just wait.”

“Greg, we have problem”, - the mafia member ran to the owner’s room.
“What is it?”
“We have guests in the repository. We’re being robbed.”
“What?!”

“sh*t, Billy, the hell?” - Luke dropped on Billy.
“Look, I didn’t know you were blowing up the door. I was still turning it off at that moment!”
“Crap! Now, we have some serious problems. Comrades, strap up. It’s show time.”

John ran to the repository.
“Where the hell is that sh*t?”
Meanwhile, down at the safe, the shootout took place.
“I hear gunshots. That means they’re not far away. Guys!”
John found the safe. The five of them, they killed all the mafia members came to destroy their party.
“I think it’s time for us to go. Grab the money and get it to the van! NOW!”

“The van is now full. Where the hell is Miller?”
Miller ran to the van after everyone, because he was very tired.
“Miller, be faster! I see them sh*tbags going after you!”
“I’m trying, I’m tra...”
The gunshot stopped Miller. It was the mafia member. John killed him in one shot and pulled Miller closer to the van.
“Miller, speak to me! Don’t dare to die!”
“Sorry... friend...”
“No, you can’t just die! Speak to me!”
“John, I see those mafias running here. Be fast!”
“We are not going without Miller!”
“John... save... your... self... go...”
Miller’s eyes closed. John knew he died, but still, he didn’t want to go without his best friend.
“John, they’re near the van! Sit, or we all are dead!”
John ran to the van and sat inside. Miller’s dead body was now far away. The mafia members shot 3 times to make sure he’s dead.

“They ran away. Boss won’t like it”, - mafia members went back to the casino.

“Sorry I didn’t save you... Miller...”

This is my first ever story, so please, be critic when posting feedbacks. And please, make detailed comments, with the things like "what to add, what to remove, what to improve, pluses, minuses" etc.

Craig
  • Craig

    Hell Interface

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  • Joined: 14 Sep 2007
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#2

Posted 19 April 2012 - 05:16 PM

I found it very text heavy. You tell us where the characters are going and what they're doing, but you don't really describe it. What does it look like? What kind of area are they in? Weather? Time of day? I'm not saying you should include all those into every setting because the pattern would get very repetitive, but it helps to go into some detail - not just for us, but for you two. As you describe, you're plotting what it looks like in your mind's eye and you might not even realise it. You may have the location mapped in your head, I would hope you do, because you're writing about it, but you need to share it with us too. You might even think of more ways to progress when you have a solid location unfolding in your head.

Also, in regards the prologue, I like how it reads like a film trailer introduction but it just felt like it was added for the sake of explaining what's about to happen. I'm pretty tired at the moment, so I can't offer many alternatives as to how you could tell us that piece of information in a more subtle way. With things like that, I always aim for it to be intrinsic. If I want the audience to know what time it is, I'll mention my character driving past somewhere selling breakfast, with people yawning and drinking coffee. People do it differently, I understand that, and there isn't anything necessarily wrong with what you did, I'm just pointing it out.

One thing that's pretty minor and probably really obvious, but what are the « symbols for?

Boris The Vodka
  • Boris The Vodka

    [Y]es

  • The Yardies
  • Joined: 03 Dec 2010
  • Russia

#3

Posted 20 April 2012 - 06:40 AM

To be honest, I didn't really think about describing places, time and weather when I was writing. I will include them in the second chapter.

About those « symblos: First I wanted to write in Russian, but then made it in English. When you write in Russian in MS Word, this symbol is used instead of this ".

Thanks for your detailed feedback, Craig. I'll try to improve in the second and upcoming chapters.




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