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The Golden Rose

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Don Mariano Corsino
  • Don Mariano Corsino

    Don della Famiglia Criminale Corsino

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#1

Posted 11 April 2012 - 04:55 AM

Introduction
More coming soon



This story is about Samuel Baritello of Liberty City. Samuel has always been interested in history. As a child, hr would read about the discoveries in Liberty City such as the half-sunken S.S. Phoenix which was a battleship from World War II, the long forgotten mansion in westdyke which housed many Italian immigrants in the 1920s then turned into a Mafia Mansion in the 40s, and the Statue of Happiness which was a gift from the French in the 1800s. But then he read about a ship of Italian pioneers in 1827 that turned out to be conspirators opposing the British government. He read about the pioneers years trying to figure out the mystery about accusing them of being conspirators. His main concern was the leader, Raphael DiMontegno, an ambitious man from Milan. After learning more about Raphael, he triad to see if he left a legacy but apparently he couldn't discover if he did. But now in present time, after 17 years of research, he finally found found Raphael's family tree. Raphael had a son Leonardo DiMontegno, then Leonardo had two daughters, Noelia and Laura. Eventually in some point of the two daughters lives they were married and their last names were changed. This discovery changed his entire life after now knowing the last name in the family tree. Noelia became Noelia Castemillo and Laura became.......... Laura Baritello. From that moment on fenally knew the truth and acknowledged that he was related to Raphael DiMontegno.

He was glad that he found out that information, so he learned more about Raphael. He came across an article from 1831 stating "The priceless jewelry belonging to the Queen of England has been stolen by Raphael DiMontegno and his gang of pirates. The Golden Rose was a gift from the Italian government in honor of their peace treaty, but now that it has been stolen war has commenced between the two empires." Samuel couldn't believe what he had read, so he made a promise to himself.... He was going on a long journey to search for the Golden Rose to prove Raphael's innocence.

Mokrie Dela
  • Mokrie Dela

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#2

Posted 11 April 2012 - 12:30 PM

It looks like you've got a clear idea of what you want here, but I'm not getting much from it.

So far, all i see is a summary of sorts. Nothing's pulling me in. I'm getting zero character.
I find it risky to start stories with a description. It's long winded and can get you and the reader off on the wrong foot. I've read books that i gave up on because the intro didn't grab me. To an extent it was boring (i eventually DID read on, and it turned into a good book).

You want to make your readers want to see more, demand more. Like the GTA V trailer - people are desperate for more, they'll suck off a horse just for a screenshot. Put that in writing terms, and you get suspence, mystery. You get a question that we need to know the answer to.
I'm not seeing any of this here tbh.

There is no trigger - no event that begins the story. Some guy wants to explore old wrecks and things? Ok. Why? What's his motivation?
I think this has potential, but i can't see where it's going at the moment. I always try to start my stories off with a bang - my personal style usually involves an action scene that is meant for people to go "ooh..." Then when the descriptive start arrives people can go with it.

Maybe you should consider a prologue? A short scene that will excite people. A scene that makes people sit up and take notice. Then you can start the next chapter like the above.

I've noticed your relatively new too - welcome to the WD, and don't feel hard done by by my words, I'm sharing my opinion in the hope to help you improve your work, which as is said, has potential, I'm jst not feeling excited by it.




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