GTA Vice City: Vercetti Empires
Posted 08 April 2012 - 05:37 AM Edited by opnoright, 11 May 2015 - 07:31 PM.
- JulioG45 likes this
Posted 08 April 2012 - 10:42 AM
|(The two both get back into the elegant outside)|
Delgado: Jason, I thought you about lost it back there. You've got to keep your cool, you almost killed that guy.
Jason: (Looks at Delgado slightly disgusted) That's what it takes in the bussiness Jimmie, that's why Mr. Vercetti chose me as his right hand man.
|The pair strolled outside, the sun setting over the horizon, colouring the skies in the wild pinks and purples. Delgado looked at the young kid next to him and a cold shiver trickled down his spine. He couldn't tell whether he was looking at man or beast. Just moments before he saw him beat a man senseless. He finally managed to cough up a few words.|
"Jason, I thought you about lost it back there. You've got to keep your cool, you almost killed that guy" His partner stared back at him, disgruntled.
"That's what it takes in the bussiness Jimmie, that's why Mr. Vercetti chose me as his right hand man." He pulled out a cigarette and took a long puff, smoke bellowing out of his dark mouth lined with yellow teeth.
See how a few characteristics in the writing can go a long way?
Furthermore, the story is clichéd, grammar is scratchy and the descriptions quite dry. I guess its good for a first timer but I can't help but feel you could try harder. I hope you find the time to improve and craft out something good out of this.
Posted 08 April 2012 - 12:22 PM
It's a good try, and although some people dislike Fanfic, or any work based on the games or whatever, I'm in the camp that supports them (in case you didn't know, I've written some). So i won't criticese that.
"(Jason and Tommy kill all of the drug runners, but once they find Serna he jumps into a squalo with most of the drugs)"
I have some problems with this. The action of a scene is the climax. It's often the best bit, but here you've simply run straight past it. To me this feels like a cold news story. I can't feel immersed in it - but then i rarely can with scripts. As AceRay said, it'd be better suited as "normal" text.
Don't quit and through it away though. I'm trying to be constructive here, so by all means review what you've got and see if you can improve it. If you can't/don't want to change away from the script formula, that's your choice, but the thing i'm learning atm is that it's hard to write fan fiction that pulls people in, without it feeling samey, or cliched.
Posted 08 April 2012 - 01:53 PM
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