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GTA Vice City: Vercetti Empires

3 replies to this topic
opnoright
  • opnoright

    Yeah, it's that guy.

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#1

Posted 08 April 2012 - 05:37 AM Edited by opnoright, 08 April 2012 - 05:56 AM.

I've always wondered what would have happened to Tommy after the events of VC so I decided to write this script as a basic continuation, or at least what I think would be a good continuation of the story.



[Abandoned warehouse vice docks 1997]

(Two men step out of a black elegant and begin to walk toward the warehouse door)

One of the men is fairly young with a strong appearence and is named Jason Scull. The other is almost middle aged with a heavy build and is named Jimmie Delgado. Both men are in casual attire and have slicked back brown hair.

(They enter the warehouse to find a man tied in a chair being watched by two other men in smart suits)

Delgado: So this is the prick Mr. V is so pissed about eh?
Guard: (completely disregaurding delgado) Jason, he won't say anything.
Jason: (approaching the man in the chair) Playing hard ball I see.
(The man in the chair stares Jason down in defiance despite his obviously beaten state)
Jason: Untie him.
Delgado: Jason, what? The guys already half beaten to sh*t what are you going to do?
Jason: I SAID untie him.
(The two men in smart suits untie the man and force him to stand)
Jason: Let him go of him.
(walks closer to the man, who is standing with his head down which is covered in bruises)
Jason: You think you can f*ck with us? Really, you think we wouldn't find you?
(The man remains silent)
Delgado: Jason the guys not going to...
(Jason violently grabs the man and jerks him up by his collar)
Jason: I am going to give you a second chance, you tell me who your boss is and (Jason scans the room only to catch sight of an electric table saw)
Jason: You tell me or you and that saw over there are going to get real familar...really fast.
Man: Go...to...hell.
Jason: Ok, your choice then. (Jason grabs the man and forcefully pulls him toward the table saw and on the way there picks up a nail gun lying nearby)
Delgado: Jason, come on man. No need for all that. Just rough him up some.
(Jason grabs the mans hand, slams it onto the table and shoots a nail through it.)
Man: AHHH!!! You crazy bastard! I'm not telling you sh*t!
Jason: *Sighs* (Turns on electric saw and slowly starts moving it toward the mans wrist, starting to get extremely close to cutting skin)
Man: Ok! Ok! I work for Samaniego Serna! I swear! I swear! Please Just stop!
Jason: (Turns off saw) Was that so f*cking hard? *Punches the man in the face knocking him out, his hand still nailed to the table*
(Jason starts toward the door, Delgado trailing behind)

(The two both get back into the elegant outside)
Delgado: Jason, I thought you about lost it back there. You've got to keep your cool, you almost killed that guy.
Jason: (Looks at Delgado slightly disgusted) That's what it takes in the bussiness Jimmie, that's why Mr. Vercetti chose me as his right hand man.
Delgado: I understand that, Jason but I mean damn, ever since we started working for Vercetti you've just been getting...sadistic about it.
Jason: It's better a chopped off hand than me getting killed for not doing my job, grow the hell up. We're criminals, not f*cking saints.

[Later at the Vercetti compound]

(Tommy is in the tv room when he catches sight of Jason walking in)

Tommy: Did you take care of that punk down at the docks?
Jason: Yeah, said he worked for some douchebag Samaniego Serna.
Tommy: Some scumbag immirgrant trying to cut into my profits as usual.
Jason: So you propose I...?
Tommy: I propose WE go down and teach those stupid f*cks a lesson. (Tommy gets up and holds up a automatic pistol)
This town needs to be reminded who Tommy Vercetti is. Meet me in the front in 5 minutes.
(Jason is standing out front when an Tommy pulls up in a Infernus)
Tommy: Get in.

(Tommy and Jason drive to Ocean Bay Marina to find a large boat with men unloading drugs into a speedboat)
Jason: Boss, what are we going to do?
Tommy: We're going to walk in. Kill everybody, including Serna and then take the coke.
Jason: You seem pretty relaxed about this, I already see eight armed men up there.
Tommy: Only eight? Trust me kid, I've handled far more than eight.

(Jason and Tommy kill all of the drug runners, but once they find Serna he jumps into a squalo with most of the drugs)
Tommy: (shooting gun at Serna) You stupid prick! You're going to die!
(Jason pulls close and shoots Serna in the head while driving and sends the squalo to a stop, he then takes the drugs from Serna's boat)

(Tommy drives Jason to shore and lets him out)
Tommy: You are the best man I've got Jason, you remind me of myself. You did good today, Here take this, get yourself a new suit.
(Hands Jason a large sum of money)
Tommy: Get yourself cleaned up, come see me at the mansion soon. We've got some things to talk about.

End of mission: Reward $1,000


Possibly more to come if enough people like it.

AceRay
  • AceRay

    In my restless dreams, I see that town...

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#2

Posted 08 April 2012 - 10:42 AM

Well, if there's one thing I don't like its the script formula. Honestly, the script is jarring and does not flow nice. I can't tell if its supposed to be a TV show or you're writing a play, but you get more emotions out of actual writing.Which one sounds better?

QUOTE
(The two both get back into the elegant outside)
Delgado: Jason, I thought you about lost it back there. You've got to keep your cool, you almost killed that guy.
Jason: (Looks at Delgado slightly disgusted) That's what it takes in the bussiness Jimmie, that's why Mr. Vercetti chose me as his right hand man.


QUOTE
The pair strolled outside, the sun setting over the horizon, colouring the skies in the wild pinks and purples. Delgado looked at the young kid next to him and a cold shiver trickled down his spine. He couldn't tell whether he was looking at man or beast. Just moments before he saw him beat a man senseless. He finally managed to cough up a few words.

"Jason, I thought you about lost it back there. You've got to keep your cool, you almost killed that guy" His partner stared back at him, disgruntled.

"That's what it takes in the bussiness Jimmie, that's why Mr. Vercetti chose me as his right hand man." He pulled out a cigarette and took a long puff, smoke bellowing out of his dark mouth lined with yellow teeth.


See how a few characteristics in the writing can go a long way?

Furthermore, the story is clichéd, grammar is scratchy and the descriptions quite dry. I guess its good for a first timer but I can't help but feel you could try harder. I hope you find the time to improve and craft out something good out of this.

Mokrie Dela
  • Mokrie Dela

    МОКРЫЕДЕЛA

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#3

Posted 08 April 2012 - 12:22 PM

AceRay's on the money here. I was reading this and thinking you can show so many more things with novel-style writing rather than scripts.
It's a good try, and although some people dislike Fanfic, or any work based on the games or whatever, I'm in the camp that supports them (in case you didn't know, I've written some). So i won't criticese that.

"(Jason and Tommy kill all of the drug runners, but once they find Serna he jumps into a squalo with most of the drugs)"

I have some problems with this. The action of a scene is the climax. It's often the best bit, but here you've simply run straight past it. To me this feels like a cold news story. I can't feel immersed in it - but then i rarely can with scripts. As AceRay said, it'd be better suited as "normal" text.

Don't quit and through it away though. I'm trying to be constructive here, so by all means review what you've got and see if you can improve it. If you can't/don't want to change away from the script formula, that's your choice, but the thing i'm learning atm is that it's hard to write fan fiction that pulls people in, without it feeling samey, or cliched.

opnoright
  • opnoright

    Yeah, it's that guy.

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#4

Posted 08 April 2012 - 01:53 PM

I can write it like a story, I was aiming for more of a mission like setup. But thanks for the input. I'll start writing it like an actual story now, I'll post some more when I get it done. smile.gif




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