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Chronicle of Leon: GTA Fan Fic

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TrialzGTAS
  • TrialzGTAS

    Hopes for turnout gear in V!

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#1

Posted 24 March 2012 - 03:00 AM

I have written a rather interesting fan fic during the day and it sounded pretty good to me. I will release more of the story if the feedback is good, tell me how I have done!

The main theme of this story is to get revenge on the "Sindicato de Asesinos" (Syndicate of Killers in Spanish) after a mission called Operation Mexican Liberation. Our protagonist, Leon, will reference this as the story goes on as memory starts to slowly flow in. Also, "Cuimom" is a play on works as "Cuidad" is actually a pretty bad mexican town. lol

ENJOY!



=============
Chapter One: Intro
=============
*Camera spans out the dark, cloudy skies of Liberty City. A strike of lightening seen on the horizon leaving a soft crackle.
*Camera seeks sight of a helicopter in the distance, a low droning weeps by.

"My name is Leon. Ex Navy SEAL, Ex convict, Ex man... I have seem many amongst many things in my military career. During a tour in Mexico, Operation Mexican Liberation .... A gang by the name of Sindicato de Asesinos. Ruthless along the eastern point of Cuimom. Me and some of my comrades saw this young kid, I should of just avoided I just I wish I did! But the boy just stared at me... He pulled up his shirt exposing his white shirt and on that shirt was a bomb...

I had 15 seconds to get away, It was not easy. It was an ambush. Shots rang out. I was the only one, I was the one who survived somehow when my elite team of 4 perished.... How I got out of the Navy SEALS you ask? Well, a few days after the Incident, I didnt listen to my commander. I did my own thing. I followed every gang leader and executed them and left no tracks to find me. It was a deliberate act of revenge... But later I got ambushed again, these damn government guys know how to really get to you and I was punished. No pension, no benefits and I was left beaten and a slim memory of after that account. I remember waking up in the Hangar and just picking up a Maverick and left. No care in the world...

=============
Chapter Two: Society of Information
=============
*Camera spans onto the heliport of Southern Algonquin where Leon lands his Maverick.

"You are not authorized to land here, sir. I have to ask you to leave..." said the HeliTours Manager.
"Heres $243" Leon sprayed.
"Sure"

Leon walks out of the HeliTours and continues to walk up Star Junction and seeks out the surrounding area.
Lots of buses, fast food, assholes, cranky businessmen, taxis and a whole bunch of crowding. Typical Star Junction day in Liberty City. Further inspection of the bustling city was a building, a business at that. It was named "U.L. Paper". Some kind of secretive government agency. Maybe they can tell me more about the Sindicato de Asesinos. Leon walked in casually. Inspected the building. Bright lights that was so blinding, a calm feel to it, kind of a welcoming feel at that. No one was at the desk but Leon saw a bell that would alert the deskman.

*Leon rings it after walking up to the desk

"Im coming, hold your horses!!" A deep voiced states. Typical asshole who runs a piece of business in Liberty City.
"May I help you, sir?" the deep voice said. He has a name tag. "Fred" seems like a too bland name for this guy, may be an alias for the job.
"Yeah, I need intel on this organization operating out of Cuimom by the name of Sindicato de Asesinos." Leon speaks aloud.
"Ahhh yes, those guys." Fred analyzes. "You didn't hear this from me... The co-leader, captain, 2 soldiers and 3 puppets are going to a meeting within 2 months at an abandoned casino in upper Alderney."
Fred says and turns away and locks the door as he leaves the desk. Outta sight outta mind...
"Fred? Hey Fred, you there?" Leon gasps. "Thanks?"

===========
Chapter 3: *************
===========

WATCH OUT FOR CHAPTER 3!

Is this good? It is not 100% finished yet, but if you need elaborating on the theme, or meaning of this story, I will be happy to answer them

CHEERS!







Lethal Nizzle
  • Lethal Nizzle

    Optima dies, prima fugit

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#2

Posted 24 March 2012 - 12:43 PM

Is this a fan-fiction or a script? It seems like you haven't made your mind up between the two; you mix stage prompts with small bursts of description, the story's flat and rather cliché. Overall there's nothing I can really sink my teeth into. I think you should go back and decide what type of writing this is going to be, because at the moment it's both hard to read and hard to understand.

Ziggy455
  • Ziggy455

    I'm the writer.

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#3

Posted 25 March 2012 - 04:17 PM Edited by Ziggy455, 25 March 2012 - 04:20 PM.

============= Do not do this, it's tacky and really unnecessary.

Chapter One: Intro

* Using *s are not needed unless you are explaining reference to something. Camera spans out the dark, cloudy skies of Liberty City. A strike of lightening is seen on the horizon leaving a soft crackle.
Camera seeks sight of a helicopter in the distance, a low droning weeps by.

Leon
My name is Leon. Ex Navy SEAL, Ex This is not needed, lower case letters are used after a comma convict, Ex man... I have seem many amongst many things in my military career. During a tour in Mexico, Operation Mexican Liberation ....

[A simple PAUSE in colons will do instead.]


A gang by the name of Sindicato de Asesinos. Ruthless along the eastern point of Cuimom. Me and some of my comrades saw this young kid, I should of just avoided I just I wish I did! But the boy just stared at me... He pulled up his shirt exposing his white shirt and on that shirt was a bomb...

I had fifteen Always write numbers in words. seconds to get away, It was not easy. It was an ambush. Shots rang out. I was the only one, I was the one who survived somehow when my elite team of 4 perished ....

[A simple PAUSE in colons will do instead.]


How did I get out of the Navy SEALS you ask? Well, a few days after the Incident, I didnt listen to my commander. I did my own thing. I followed every gang leader and executed them and left no tracks to find me. It was a deliberate act of revenge-

[A simple PAUSE in colons will do instead.]


But later I got ambushed again, these damn government guys know how to really get to you and I was punished. No pension, no benefits and I was left beaten and a slim memory of after that account. I remember waking up in the Hangar and just picking up a Maverick and left. No care in the world .


I can't tell whether you want this as a script or as an actual written piece, however I've taken critical analysis in the form of a script for my own sake. The first issue most have with these kind of things is format, centre your work! Like Lethal Niz' said, this looks like your still debating on which format to put this in. If you need help with your scriptwork, PM me and I'll give you a brief tutorial on basic fundamentals. icon14.gif

Mokrie Dela
  • Mokrie Dela

    МОКРЫЕДЕЛA

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#4

Posted 28 March 2012 - 10:32 AM

There's some people here who dislike fan fics but im a believer that they can be of decent quality.

But the fiction/script confusion here, as Ziggy and Lethal Nizzle pointed out. Scripts to me seem like a short cut. A shopping list of things with no connections between them. Camera directions and things like that - in my opinion - get in the way of the flow of reading instead of pulling me in.

I would suggest taking time before uploading things to evaluate your work. Once its written, read it over and see if there's mistakes. Does the story work, or is it a bit weak?

I'm not a huge fan of scripts in case you havn't guessed but as i said, i think fan fiction can be well written. I'd like to think i proved that, though inevitably some will disagree. One of the important lessons i've to be patient. Once the work is written, put it aside for a few days then come back to it. Read it though, check for errors or plot holes. Is your description spot on? Are your adjectives the most suitable ones?




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