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The Angel of Death (Poem)

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Dr-Mayhem111
  • Dr-Mayhem111

    4th Generation Corsino Capo Crimini

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#1

Posted 08 March 2012 - 06:16 AM

The Angel of Death

I wake up in the mourning with a tear in my eye.

Wondering what would've happened if I were to die.

My hands are soiled, stained with blood of the innocent.

I pick up a weapon when I know I shouldn't.

As I force my body to get up from bed.

I look in the mirror and see a man with a heart that is dead.

I look over my shoulders 24/7.

Knowing if my life ended, I'm not going to Heaven.

When it's time for a job to be done.

I'm always ready but my heart beats like a drum.

Once I see the next person who's life I have to end.

I pull the trigger but happiness is not what this tragedy sends.

So I ask myself, "who am I?" in an empty breath.

I'm an angel, an angel of death.

TenEightyOne
  • TenEightyOne

    We're bouncing now?

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#2

Posted 18 March 2012 - 01:55 PM

Fairly good overall - some of the scanning is a little off-beat, I guess that depends on how you want to deliver th poem.

The imagery and use of language are very good though; don't take my first sentence too negatively!

If I was going to be picky about grammar I'd suggest reworking the line that says "Wondering what would've happened if I were to die.", there's a mix of tenses in there.

Still, pretty good, I'd give it 8/10 for how it hangs together overall!!!

Ziggy455
  • Ziggy455

    I'm the writer.

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#3

Posted 23 March 2012 - 01:50 AM

A very tight knit poem. You can really feel the poet's disgust at himself yet he must toil onwards with this dirty work. It flowed together quite well. I can just envision a cold blooded killer, sniper rifle briefcase in hand on a balcony writing this.

A few words were crammed in. Poems usually consist of two syllabic words. Longer ones than that usually make the poem seem like a block. Not a bad piece, not a bad piece at all.

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