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Emptiness

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Failure
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#1

Posted 04 April 2011 - 06:45 PM Edited by elanman, 04 April 2011 - 08:38 PM.

Emptiness


user posted image


user posted image

El Zilcho
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#2

Posted 04 April 2011 - 07:01 PM

Jesus Christ, that really got me! A little hard to understand but it truly hit me hard, especially the end. To me it came across as very metaphysical - a really strong feeling of eeriness gripped me toward the latter half. Nice work, very good. icon14.gif

AB0333
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#3

Posted 04 April 2011 - 07:17 PM Edited by AB0333, 04 April 2011 - 07:20 PM.

Now that was deep!
Yeah, it's a bit hard to understand, but it's a sure thing it's just... perfect. You're a pure talent dude! smile.gif

Failure
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#4

Posted 04 April 2011 - 08:23 PM Edited by elanman, 04 April 2011 - 08:39 PM.

Thanks for your kind words, they mean a lot.

I'm sorry if some of the meaning wasn't clear, that's the general issue with my expression-its lack of clarity. I'll make a few amendments.

Thanks again. smile.gif

AB0333
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#5

Posted 05 April 2011 - 03:14 PM

QUOTE (elanman)
I'm sorry if some of the meaning wasn't clear, that's the general issue with my expression-its lack of clarity. I'll make a few amendments.

I think it's OK the way it is now. If you ask me, just leave it as it is.
Keep it up. icon14.gif

Lochie
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#6

Posted 06 April 2011 - 06:35 AM

Your vocabulary is very extensive and you know how to use it to string together sentences that make sense, which is a good skill to have. A few grammar mistakes here and there and some sentences you could definitely re-word to help increase the flow (mostly at the beginning).

My only issue with this is that I'm still having trouble really trying to grasp the meaning, maybe it's just me but I'm not really sure what I'm meant to be left thinking. Overall in my personal opinion your technical skills are something to be admired but this work feels uncomplete, a suggestion to keep in mind next time is although its good to get descriptive you can't fall astray from the plot.

Solid job, I am definitely keeping an eye out for more work by you.

Craig
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#7

Posted 06 April 2011 - 02:57 PM

I found the writing to be solid and of great quality. You've an eye for imagery but I didn't so much get into the way it was presented. Don't get me wrong, I liked the idea and the reference to it made me feel a little odd (good odd) but I think it made things look a little cramped, particularly when speech and punctuation was concerned.

Great read though.

Failure
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#8

Posted 06 April 2011 - 05:42 PM

Methods and Craig, thanks for your great input. I know the format's unconventional but the line indentations looked strange on the forum default formatting. If I get the time to write something else soon I'll try and rework the presentation a bit.

Methods, thanks for the criticism. I'll re-read the beginning and try to iron out any issues there. To be honest, I feel that the piece ended abruptly, so it makes sense that you said it seemed incomplete. With this in mind, however, I didn't know how else I could end the piece appropriately, and I was exceeding 1000 words by this point. Thanks for bringing the SPAG (Spelling, Punctuation and Grammar) glitches to my attention-with a glance over it I've already seen a few.

Thanks again for the input, everyone. I'll do some studying then I'll try and comment on everyone's entries.


Mokrie Dela
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#9

Posted 06 April 2011 - 10:47 PM

May i just ask why you posted it as a jpg and not as text? I'm curious tounge.gif

Eminence
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#10

Posted 06 April 2011 - 11:36 PM

I hate to be contrary, but I fear that while people are praising your 'vocabulary', you don't want to fall into the trap of flashing it so much. I've learned the hard way that verbosity isn't a good thing, it really isn't. Sometimes the simpler, sleaker word fits much better. Some of the phrasings used here seem a little unnatural, and I'm not sensing a reason why they should be.

I liked the idea of his recognition of the painting and its forced nature - that's a really interesting idea to explore, and its contrast with the prior scene drives that home. But be wary of spelling things out too much, because you specifically address this idea in the text, when leaving it as a subtle contrast might have been much more effective.

Failure
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#11

Posted 07 April 2011 - 10:20 PM

QUOTE (Eminence @ Apr 6 2011, 23:36)
I hate to be contrary, but I fear that while people are praising your 'vocabulary', you don't want to fall into the trap of flashing it so much. I've learned the hard way that verbosity isn't a good thing, it really isn't. Sometimes the simpler, sleaker word fits much better. Some of the phrasings used here seem a little unnatural, and I'm not sensing a reason why they should be.

I liked the idea of his recognition of the painting and its forced nature - that's a really interesting idea to explore, and its contrast with the prior scene drives that home. But be wary of spelling things out too much, because you specifically address this idea in the text, when leaving it as a subtle contrast might have been much more effective.

I'm pleased that the contrast between scenes was effective-that's really what I was going for with this. If I went over the top with the Purple Prose I'll keep that in mind next time I write something, it's a recurring issue. I do agree with you on word choice, though, as you've said before, the "lowest common denominator" can be the most effective. I think my main issue is description, as you said, because it's really more of my strong point than narrative, which explains the simplicity of the plot for this piece.

I'll keep in mind the points you mentioned (more subtlety, clearer phrasing).

Thanks to everyone for the criticism and kind words.




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