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A Grimsby Fan's complaint

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  • DanManUtd

    Doesn't support United anymore

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Posted 12 November 2009 - 05:34 PM

Complaint Of The Day
As published on 'The Fishy', a Grimsby Town fans' forum:

'Dear Players of Grimsby Town FC

'I am writing with regard to my absolute astonishment and disbelief as to the sheer magnitude of your complete lack of talent and failure to carry out the job for which you are paid to do. I am not aware of any swear word or other derogatory phrase in my current vocabulary which comes close to a description of your 'performance' (and I use that term loosely) this afternoon, but let me just say that you have collectively reached a level of inadequacy and ineptitude that neither I nor modern science had previously considered possible.

'In fact I recall a time, in my youth, when I decided to call in sick at work and instead spent the entire day in my one bedroom flat wearing nothing but my underpants, eating toast and w***ing furiously over second-rate Scandinavian porn. Yet somehow, I still managed to contribute more to my employer in that one Andrex-filled day than you complete bunch of toss-baskets have contributed to this club in your entire time here.

'I would genuinely like to know how you pathetic little p***flaps sleep at night, knowing full well that you have taken my money and that of several thousand others and delivered precisely f**k all in return. I run a business myself, and I believe I could take any 4,000 of my customers at random; burn down their houses, impregnate their wives and then dismember their children before systematically sending them back in the post, limb-by-limb, and still ensure a level of customer satisfaction which exceeds that which I have experienced at Blundell Park at any time so far this season.

'You are a total disgrace, not only to your profession, not only to the human race, but to nature itself. This may sound like an exaggeration, but believe me when I say that I have passed kidney stones which have brought me a greater level of pleasure and entertainment than watching each of you worthless excuses for professional footballers attempt to play a game you are clearly incapable of playing, week-in, week-out.

'I considered, for a second, that I was perhaps being a little too harsh. But then I recalled that I have blindly given you all the benefit of the doubt for too long now. Yes, for too long you have failed to earn the air you've been breathing by offering any kind of tangible quality either as footballers or as people in general. As such, I feel it's only fair that your supply runs out forthwith.

'I trust, at this precise moment in time, that Mr Fenty is in his office tapping away on the Easyjet web site booking you all one-way flights to Zurich, complete with an overnight stay with our cheese eating friends at Dignitas. Don't bother packing your toothbrush - you won't need it.

'In the event that our beloved chairman can't afford the expense (understandable given that he's soon going to have to assemble a new squad from scratch), then I am prepared to sell my family (including my unborn child) to a dubious consortium of Middle Eastern businessmen in order to pay for the flights. Christ, I'll drive you there myself, one-by one, without sleep, if I have to.

'Failing that, understanding that most dubious Middle Eastern businessmen are tied-up purchasing Premier League football clubs, I ask you to please take matters into your hands. Use your imagination, guys - strangle yourselves or cover yourself in tinfoil and take a fork to a nearby plug socket, or something. Just put yourselves and us fans out of our collective misery.

'So, in summary, you pack of repugnant, sputum-filled, invertebrate b***ards; leave this club now and don't you f**king dare look back. You've consistently demonstrated less passion and desire than can commonly be found within the contents of a sloth's scrótum, so frankly you can just all f**k off - don't pass go, don't collect your wages, don't ever come back to this town again.

'I look forward to you serving me at my local McDonald's drive-thru in the near future.

'Yours sincerely
A very disillusioned Mariner'

In case you were also wondering, Grimsby are currently second-bottom of the Football League having won just one of their eight home matches this season.


That's brilliant!

  • blowdro420

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Posted 12 November 2009 - 08:57 PM

i don't even like soccer (football to you brits) but this is f*cking hilarious. than man loves his football team.

  • Waddy

    Gods foster son.

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Posted 12 November 2009 - 09:12 PM

Brilliant biggrin.gif

I know exactly how he feels.

  • Hodgey.

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Posted 12 November 2009 - 09:26 PM

Oh man thats is the best letter/email i have read in a while. God i hope every Grimsby player sees that, just so they understand what the hell they are biggrin.gif

  • LanceVanceDance07


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Posted 12 November 2009 - 09:58 PM

Wow...just wow, incredible stuff here. Now that is what you call "support for your team".

  • Punk-in-Drublic

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Posted 12 November 2009 - 11:22 PM

That is quality, the biggest laugh ive had in a long while, thanks!.

  • Mav.

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Posted 13 November 2009 - 01:36 AM

sh*t this thing gets around fast.

I've seen it on about 3 or 4 other forums.

Top stuff.

Ari Gold
  • Ari Gold

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Posted 13 November 2009 - 09:53 AM

Dear me, possibly the most inspirational letter I have ever read. True support right there, you gotta love it. icon14.gif

  • DanManUtd

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Posted 13 November 2009 - 09:59 PM

I just wonder what the Darlington fans are thinking...

  • joemcg15

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Posted 13 November 2009 - 10:25 PM


  • chris

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Posted 13 November 2009 - 10:48 PM

QUOTE (Waddy @ Nov 12 2009, 21:12)
Brilliant biggrin.gif

I know exactly how he feels.

Walter smith?

  • nerner


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Posted 31 December 2009 - 11:25 PM

Poor old Grimsby, I remember a few years ago our final 4 league fixtures were:

Port Vale(H)
Bradford City(H)
Cambridge United(A)

lost to Grimsby 4-1 that year, and drew 4-4 with Port Vale. Beat Cambridge 6-2, quite a contrast that all of those teams are well below League One level. Especially poor Grimsby and Cambridge. I remember when Grimsby and Cambridge were fighting for promotion into the inauguaral season of the Premier league. Not fighting to save their existence as football clubs.

There are only 2 silver linings to their season so far. 1 is the form that Barry Conlon is in, he could possibly drag them, kicking and screaming, away from the relegation zone. And the other is that, however bad their season, they are nowhere near as sh*te as Darlington, they never really recovered from the George Reynold's era of sh*t that they had to put up with. Going down could be the best thing that ever happened to them, a bit like the Torquay United situation.

Cheers, nernbag

  • SilentSeas

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Posted 07 February 2010 - 11:28 PM Edited by 02fishera, 16 February 2010 - 11:16 PM.

Brilliant! You don't get that in the premiership lol.gif

  • Mand'alor

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Posted 19 April 2010 - 03:00 PM Edited by Nixon, 19 April 2010 - 03:05 PM.

The same fan had more to say about Grimsby's relegation/pending relegation :

Now I’m as optimistic as anyone when it comes to this twát of a football club, but after this afternoon’s latest capitulation it’s time to wake up and smell the coffee – we’re fúcked. Down. Goners. Non-league. To be honest I didn’t know how it would affect me, it’s not like it hasn’t been coming, but tonight I just feel absolutely deflated. Absolutely fúcking devastated.

I can’t get away from these emotions, I just want the whole world to just fúck off and leave me alone. To help me come to terms with this whole mess, I’ve decided to compile a list of everyone and everything I want to fúck off most of all.

For starters, work can fúck off. If they think I’m going to be there on Monday morning they’ve got another thing coming. No way am I going in to spend time dealing with cúnts that I can barely stand being with when I’m in a good mood, let alone this crushing feeling of anger, frustration and outright metaphorical-kicked-in-the-bóllocks-ness.

Plastic Premier League fans can fúck off. I just spoke to my Manchester United supporting neighbour (who incidentally, has been to Old Trafford before – twice) about Town’s predicament. You know what he said? “I know how you feel; it’s like when we failed to win a trophy in ‘95”. NO IT FÚCKING WELL IS NOT!

He no longer has a face.

The girlfriend can definitely fúck off. Her best attempt at consolation – “I don’t know why you’re bothered; you knew they were shít anyway”. Yes love, but they’re MY shít team. They’ve been MINE for pretty much as long as I’ve been able to wipe my own árse, and they’ll be MINE for as long as I’m alive (or at least, until I’m no longer able to wipe my own árse). Truth is, watching my team win does things for me that no woman can. If push comes to shove and I’m horny, I can always have a wánk.

Barrow can fúck off. I’ve been all over the country and beyond to watch my team, but frankly I just don’t have the stomach to visit any town which makes Sc*nthorpe look like fúcking St. Tropez.

Dad, you can fúck off. This is your fault. Your idea. You introduced me to this shower of shít. “Come with me to Blundell Park”, you said, “Come and support the boys”. What could I do? I was fúcking four, what choice did I have? Why not get me hooked on Heroin whilst you were at it? I could have gone with mum shopping for bras and knickers at British Home Stores, but no, you knew best.

Granted, I’d have probably grown up a homosexual but surely even being simultaneously búggered two guys named Seth and Quentin couldn’t hurt like this.

Seeing as we’re on the subject of homosexuality, Gok Wan can fúck off. No particular reason, I just plain don’t like the annoying, goggle-eyed cúnt.

The F.A. can fúck off. Not for supplying us, week-in, week- out, with inept referee after inept referee, but for imposing sensible financial rules on all clubs in League Two. How many clubs in this division have been into administration this season? Not one. How many points deducted? Not one. How the fúck else are we supposed to avoid relegation – footballing merit? We didn’t have to last season, so why spoil the fun now?

The World Cup can fúck off – I don’t care anymore.

My local pizza shop can fúck off. I ordered a 12” Pepperoni over an hour ago, and where the fúck is it? Are they trying to fúcking fly it to me or something?

Sky Sports can fúck off. Nothing personal, but there’ll be little need for me next season with no Town to be found anywhere. Ooh, Bolton versus Wolves, LIVE. I think I’ll pass...

The radio can fúck off. On my way home from the match, whilst driving down the M180, I caught three completely separate stations playing ‘Down’ by Jay Sean at the exact same fúcking time. The song’s the best part of a year old, how the fúck does that happen by coincidence!?

My nan’s old lucky Buddha that used to sit in her front room can fúck off. When I was a kid I held it in my hands and wished for Town to be in the Premier League. I meant the proper one you fat cúnt, not the one occupied by Histon, Eastbourne and for fúck’s sake, Ebbsfleet, wherever that is.

Tonight can fúck off. I’ve had enough of trying to cope with my emotions; the time has come for oblivion. I haven’t kept any booze in the house since an occasion known only as ‘That Night’ by myself and the missus, but suffice to say that the toilet duck and luminous blue mouthwash are looking like stronger propositions by the minute.

Most of all though, the last 10 years can fúck off. In that time I’ve watched my team fall from the top of the Championship into non-league nothingness. We’ve gone from one great big fúck up to the next without even coming up for air, and today is just the big, fúck off cherry on top.

One thing I’m sure of though is that we WILL be back. When it comes down to it, a football club is basically just a set of supporters, and frankly what I’ve learned in the last few years is that this one has some of the best. We’ve had to put up with some shít, haven’t we boys, but in spite of all of that the future is still bright – it’s fúcking black and white.

Grimsby ‘til I die...

Quality. happy.gif

  • SIKKS66


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Posted 19 April 2010 - 03:24 PM

That's epic. This guy should go into coaching.

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