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Driving The Stake Home

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El Burro 69
  • El Burro 69

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#1

Posted 30 September 2009 - 05:27 PM

Well, since everbody has contributed something to the whole vampire craze thing, I thought that I'd add my own two-cents worth, just for fun . Note, this tale is not riddled with the usual teen-angst type vampires that you would find in films like Twilight for instance. I've decided to add my own take to the vampire tale. Since I enjoy writing crime stories, I thought, what the heck. I'll fuse the two genres. This is the result. Enjoy

Driving The Stake Home


Vinnie was ordered to carry out a hit. It was to take place at the Carrion Nightclub and Bar on the outskirts of town where Albie and his boys smoke crack out of luminous fluorescent lights. Albie and his boys are suspected of killing off the Big Boss Man’s button men on a regular basis. Now it was time to put an end to it, to blast Albie and his boys into a gray oblivion.

Vinnie is the man for the job. Having become a capo-regime in just under three years, he knows how the business works down to a T. It starts to rain, making the neon signs outside the nightclub shine garishly onto Vinnie’s windscreen, while he scopes the place from the comfort of his sedan. His slick black hair shines against the contrast of the shimmering neon lights. Vinnie decides to make his move.

Splashing his way down the dark and cold street, Vinnie makes his way into the Carrion Nightclub and Bar, grasping a silver plated Uzi in his inside jacket pocket. The place is dark and smells of musk, whiskey, sweat and something else. A coppery smell he can’t seem to get his mind around. There are only a few people present, all sitting at the bar with their cocktail martinis and white russians. They’re kids. Vinnie strides over to the bar and pulls out a small wad of cash. He places it down next to a kid with a Hawaiian shirt. “Beat it”, Vinnie says, looking at the small group of friends with cool and steely eyes. They immediately sense his position of power and scram after making their own deductions from his strong Italian features.

Vinnie notices that the bartender is absent from behind the counter. The place is eerie, a bit too quiet for a club. Faint music issues forth from a speaker on the wall. It sounds like 99 Luftballoons. In a corner of the club, he notices a backdoor. It is slightly ajar. Vinnie equips his Uzi in a ready position and slowly makes his way to the backdoor. He gazes through the open crack and sees a faintly lit corridor. A bare bulb lights up the place. Vinnie slowly creeps toward a door at the far end of the corridor. Faint and muffled sounds can be heard from within the room. Vinnie’s nerves grow taut with steel, the same steel that will soon be spraying forth from his micro SMG.

The door is unlocked. Vinnie slowly sways it open with his shoulder, clutching the Uzi firmly with both hands, his trigger finger twitching with anticipation. He sees Albie and his boys on their haunches, drenched in blood. They are making snarling noises, their backs turned to him. Vinnie can make out a tangle of motionless limbs stretched out from beneath their huddling. The room is speckled with blood and gore.

Now Vinnie knows what that coppery smell had been. “Jesus H Christ”, Vinnie murmurs with incredulous eyes. One of them hears him and quickly whips around. It is Albie. His long greasy hair is tied up in a ponytail, matted with caked and drying blood. Albie’s eyes are porcelain blue, his whites have completely disappeared. He hisses, exposing a pair of razor sharp fangs. The three other men around him start to rouse from their hypnotic feeding and glare in his direction, gore spilling down their fronts. The sight is horrifying. One of them has coal-like eyes, completely sinister and menacing. They start to growl at Vinnie, one of them grins maliciously, exposing razor sharp incisors. They look like filed down needles.

“Mother of god”, Vinnie whispers. There is a slight movement from Albie. Vinnie sprays the room with the Uzi in a terrified frenzy, sending flakes of plaster, glass and debris swirling around in a mass of confusion. A few moments pass in the now quiet room. Through the settling dust, Vinnie can make out the thing known as Albie easily closing the distance towards him, even though there are seeping, dark patches under his shirt. The bullets have not done a thing. The rest of the things in the room quickly launch to their feet in a rapid flow of movement and seemingly lurch into the air like pouncing predators, snarling their bloodlust at Vinnie.

Vinnie shouts in fear and instinctively slams the door shut without thinking. A series of powerful thuds hit the steel door, threatening to send it off its hinges. Vinnie is knocked back into a wall and looses his footing, sprawling to the cold floor. He looks up at the heavily dented door. Instead of merely opening it, the snarling things on the other side of it are literally tearing it apart. Demonic, metallic sounding cries threaten to pierce through Vinnie’s paralyzed brain. His body and mind are in a state of shock. Panic starts to take hold of him. It clutches him with its quick and jittery claws. He feels like a caged and helpless animal.

It takes all that Vinnie has just to get up again. He starts to run for the exit of the building, stumbling forward again almost falling head over heels. The steel door falls to the floor in a heap of crumpled steel. Vinnie’s heart starts to jackhammer at a dangerous rate. Something tells him that the things behind him can sense this, as their snarls grow in intensity and insanity. Vinnie runs past a bathroom, briefly glimpsing the bartender standing in the entrance. His eyes are an intense blood-red and are fierce. Vinnie sees an afterimage of the bartender in his minds eye as he desperately runs towards the exit. It is horrifying. Behind him, Vinnie can hear the things sprinting at an abnormal speed. He can feel their hot breath on his neck.

Vinnie blindly fires his Uzi behind him without looking and hears the bullets hit flesh with dull thuds that produce no sounds of pain or anguish from the things that are pursuing him. They merely growl louder to drown out the sounds of the bullet spray. Vinnie is now out the door, running as fast as humanly possible. The cool night air is cold and refreshing, surging within Vinnie, a newfound determination to escape these embodiments of horror, which he thought had only existed within the realms of fiction.

Vinnie does not look behind him once, even though the snarls and rapid footfalls have ceased. He jumps into the idling sedan, muttering profanities hoarsely, his eyes glazed over with a deep seeded fear. His heart feels like flowing liquid, sloshing about within his chest cavity. He dares to glance in the direction of the Carrion Nightclub and Bar. He sees nothing, only the faint flicker of neon lights and the entrance. Frightened to his wits, Vinnie stalls the car at first in his rush to escape the foreboding club. He gets it right the second time and screeches off into the night, wanting to disappear over the horizon as fast as he can.

A few brief moments later, whilst speeding along the road towards the glowing city in the distance, the car roof implodes inwards on itself with a sudden and violent crash. Vinnie screams and loses control of the wheel, swerving the sedan across the black-top asphalt road. He eventually regains control of the sedan and can hear the things slamming their limbs into the roof of the car, snarling and hissing at him with an otherworldly evil. With a lowered head, Vinnie hears the screeching tear of metallic sheet and briefly glances upwards, only to see needle-like teeth puncturing through the metal of the roof. Vinnie screams and sprays the lasts few rounds of his Uzi into the roof of the sedan, rambling and swearing incoherently.

Vinnie fails to see a turn-off and careens the sedan down a mountainside ditch, rushing past high trees and rocks, finally crashing into a massive boulder. A blur of bodies are thrown into the night sky in front of Vinnie’s windshield, tumbling violently down the slopes of a jagged rocky outcrop directly in front of and below the massive boulder, which has saved Vinnie’s life. His forehead is cut open and his legs are mangled. Beside him, lies the thing once known as Albie, heavily injured from the crash and barely alive. Albie looks into Vinnie’s eyes with a sheer intense evil and manages a low and menacing growl.

Vinnie sees a piece of jagged steel on the dashboard that has been torn from the roof of the sedan. He takes it and clutches the steel in his right hand with desperation and groggily looks over at the snarling Albie. Vinnie laughs deliriously, a look of crazed intensity on his face. “You don’t look too good paizan. Let me help you out there. f*ckin’ Nosferatu piece of sh*t!”. With that, Vinnie grunts and plunges the jagged tip of the steel into the things heart, laughing hysterically. When the dawn sun breaks the crisp air of the morning, Vinnie is still laughing.

El Zilcho
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#2

Posted 30 September 2009 - 07:11 PM

El Burro, let me say something. Your two pieces are excellent, I loved this and the other piece greatly. Something about your style of writing just gets me, its a comfortable, flowing read. This piece in particular was very exciting, very intense and excellent. It kept me on the edge of my seat, and your work is definitely a superb example of writing. icon14.gif Keep it up mate, great stuff.

Craig
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#3

Posted 30 September 2009 - 07:58 PM

I'm going to say now that this didn't sound like my cup of tea, and it wasn't if I'm honest, but I gave it a read anyway. Combining the two styles and concepts was an odd move to me but you made it work. Despite my tastes, I did actually enjoy this. I'd like to offer some criticism though if I may (and it's by no means bad):

QUOTE
Vinnie notices that the bartender is absent from behind the counter. The place is eerie, a bit too quiet for a club. Faint music issues forth from a speaker on the wall. It sounds like 99 Luftballoons.


The song title should maybe be in italics to show it is indeed a song, or at least quotation marks (""). Here I've used italics just to demonstrate.

QUOTE
“Mother of G od”, Vinnie whispers. There is a slight movement from Albie.


God should ideally begin with a capital letter. Consider it an addressing I suppose.

QUOTE
Vinnie sees a piece of jagged steel on the dashboard that has been torn from the roof of the sedan. He takes it and clutches the steel in his right hand with desperation and groggily looks over at the snarling Albie. Vinnie laughs deliriously, a look of crazed intensity on his face. “You don’t look too good paizan. Let me help you out there. f*ckin’ Nosferatu piece of sh*t!”. With that, Vinnie grunts and plunges the jagged tip of the steel into the things heart, laughing hysterically. When the dawn sun breaks the crisp air of the morning, Vinnie is still laughing.


This is the paragraph I'd like to comment on the most however. Is paizan someone's name? Is it his target or his pursuer? Because if so, it could do with being capitalized. Also, the speech needs formatting, like so.

QUOTE
Vinnie sees a piece of jagged steel on the dashboard that has been torn from the roof of the sedan. He takes it and clutches the steel in his right hand with desperation and groggily looks over at the snarling Albie. Vinnie laughs deliriously, a look of crazed intensity on his face.
“You don’t look too good paizan. Let me help you out there. f*ckin’ Nosferatu piece of sh*t!”.

With that, Vinnie grunts and plunges the jagged tip of the steel into the things heart, laughing hysterically. When the dawn sun breaks the crisp air of the morning, Vinnie is still laughing.


Note the new line when speech begins and the new line when speech ends. Other than that, this is a solid piece and it was an enjoyable read. For some reason, I pictured a bar I often go in as the one in this story, probably just something to relate to as it's similarly described. Good work. icon14.gif

El Burro 69
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#4

Posted 01 October 2009 - 08:43 AM

Thanks a bunch for the feedback El Zilcho and Masterkraft, I really appreciate it. At least now, I'm somewhat on the right track, blush.gif I hope.

I'm glad that you enjoyed the piece, I called it as I saw the story developing and tried to make the writing as clear and concise as possible for the reader. Once again, thanks a million for the constructive feedback guys.

Masterkraft, I know it seems odd to mix the two genres, but I did this to go against the conventions of the cliche'd vampire tale, adding my own take to it. The vampires in this tale are not the alluring, depressive and mysterious types you usually see in those teen angst riddled films and books tounge2.gif . In all honesty, I'm not even a big fan of the whole vampire craze myself. That is why I wanted to add a Quentin Tarantino-esque feel to the tale smile.gif I tried to make it touch and go from start to beginning. If you've seen the film From Dusk Till Dawn, that is a great example of a hybrid crime/horror film containing elements of both the crime and vampire tale. Watch it, it's awesome.

Thank you for noticing and pointing out to me the errors in this piece Masterkraft, I'm going to modify the piece soon according to your guidelines.

- El

Craig
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#5

Posted 01 October 2009 - 11:13 AM

QUOTE (El Burro 69 @ Oct 1 2009, 09:43)
That is why I wanted to add a Quentin Tarantino-esque feel to the tale smile.gif I tried to make it touch and go from start to beginning. If you've seen the film From Dusk Till Dawn, that is a great example of a hybrid crime/horror film containing elements of both the crime and vampire tale. Watch it, it's awesome.

Thank you for noticing and pointing out to me the errors in this piece Masterkraft, I'm going to modify the piece soon according to your guidelines.

- El

I got a Tarantino vibe from it if I'm honest, made me think a lot of From Dusk 'Til Dawn. Great work setting the mood there. It's great that you're going beyond your comfort zone. Just out of curiosity, do you usually write in present tense?

Oh, and don't bother so much editing this piece to correct any errors, just apply them to your future works; the mistakes I've pointed out aren't vivid enough to ruin your piece. icon14.gif


El Burro 69
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#6

Posted 01 October 2009 - 05:57 PM

QUOTE (Masterkraft @ Oct 1 2009, 11:13)
QUOTE (El Burro 69 @ Oct 1 2009, 09:43)
That is why I wanted to add a Quentin Tarantino-esque feel to the tale  smile.gif   I tried to make it touch and go from start to beginning. If you've seen the film From Dusk Till Dawn, that is a great example of a hybrid crime/horror film containing elements of both the crime and vampire tale. Watch it, it's awesome.

Thank you for noticing and pointing out to me the errors in this piece Masterkraft, I'm going to modify the piece soon according to your guidelines.

- El

I got a Tarantino vibe from it if I'm honest, made me think a lot of From Dusk 'Til Dawn. Great work setting the mood there. It's great that you're going beyond your comfort zone. Just out of curiosity, do you usually write in present tense?

Oh, and don't bother so much editing this piece to correct any errors, just apply them to your future works; the mistakes I've pointed out aren't vivid enough to ruin your piece. icon14.gif

Thanks. I like to write in the present tense at times because I can then get more of a feel of what is happening around me. I don't mind writing in past tense though. Both are good to use I reckon.





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