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The Joke Thread

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Evil empire
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#2491

Posted 21 December 2017 - 11:35 PM Edited by Evil empire, 21 December 2017 - 11:37 PM.

Once there was a man that came from France to America, He couldnt speak English so he went to choir and learned how to say "Me me me me me me."
Then he went to the store and saw a little girl say "He stole my dolly"
And on his way home he went to get meat from the butcher and learned how to say "Big butcher knife big butcher knife."
Then he went home and watched an air freshener commercial and learned how to say "Plug it in Plug it in."
Then he went to the store and there was a murder the police said "Who killed this man?"
The French guy said "Me me me me me me me."
The police said "Why did you kill him?"
And the man said "He stole my dolly."
The police man said "What did you kill him with?"
The man said "Big butcher knife big butcher knife."
Then they took him to jail and sentenced him to death.
The police man said "any last words?"
And the French guy said "Plug it in plug it in."
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Lucius M. Galloway
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#2492

Posted 22 December 2017 - 01:57 PM

Once upon a time I had this friend named Derek. So we had this mutual friend named Taylor too, and he asks if he could see a picture of Taylor, because I already described him as a big guy. So he gets the picture, and he's smacking his lips like a girl. So I finally asks him what?

He says "How many times does Taylor sh*t a week?"

I lost all sanity, I took off my headset and cried nonstop. There is a rare occasion where someone can make me laugh hysterically, and that was one of those moments I'll never forget.

I told Taylor the comment he made he asked, "why does another man want to know when another man sh*ts?"

Touché.

Star-Lord
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#2493

Posted 26 December 2017 - 01:20 AM

The Orville with Peter Griffin in command.
 
Sir waiting your command!?
 
Peter - Yeah, yeah. Go straight down two galaxies at the light make a left.

Donatello
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#2494

Posted 26 December 2017 - 01:58 AM

Chuck Norris once looked at Medusa. Now she's a statue at Chuck Norris' house.
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Star-Lord
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#2495

Posted 31 December 2017 - 04:07 PM

My new year's resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey. New Year's Eve is the only acceptable time to wear body glitter without being mistaken for a stripper. My New Year's resolution is 4K.

Femme Fatale
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#2496

Posted 31 December 2017 - 08:16 PM

An old man enters the confessional. "Father, I have sinned. For my sixty-second birthday, I went to a bar where I picked up two young women, and had sex with both of them three times over the next day."
"I see. How long has it been since you confessed yourself?"
"This is my first time, I've been an atheist all my life."
"What? Then, why are you telling me this?"
"Are you kidding? I'm telling everybody!"

Young Woman: "What do you prefer: breasts or legs?"
Old Man: "What I really like is a well shaved snatch."
Apparently, he is no longer welcome in any KFC establishment from now on.
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Donatello
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#2497

Posted 31 December 2017 - 08:19 PM

It took Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes...

Star-Lord
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#2498

Posted 02 January 2018 - 04:50 PM Edited by Star-Lord, 06 January 2018 - 04:14 PM.

- I believe in eight of the ten commandments; and I believe in going to church every Sunday unless there's a game on.

- It was so sweet backstage, you should have seen it: The Teamsters were helping Michael Moore into the trunk of his limo.

- I used to smoke marijuana. But I'll tell you something: I would only smoke it in the late evening. Oh, occasionally the early evening, but usually the late evening - or the mid-evening. Just the early evening, midevening and late evening. Occasionally, early afternoon, early mid-afternoon, or perhaps the late-midafternoon. Oh, sometimes the early-mid-late-early morning. . . But never at dusk! Never at dusk, I would never do that.

Star-Lord
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#2499

Posted 03 January 2018 - 10:59 PM Edited by Star-Lord, 06 January 2018 - 04:00 PM.

Let me tell you what really happened. Usually when I go to bed, I have milk and cookies. And One night I had some low-fat milk and some pasteurized, And I mixed them together. And I dipped my cookie and the sh*t blew up!
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Evil empire
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#2500

Posted 04 January 2018 - 06:53 PM

A woman in Brooklyn decided to prepare her Will and make her final requests.
She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered all over Macy's.
 
-"Why Macy's?" asked the rabbi.
-"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

Star-Lord
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#2501

Posted 04 January 2018 - 10:57 PM Edited by Star-Lord, 06 January 2018 - 03:57 PM.

Edit: Some Rodney Dangerfield Instead.

- My wife had her drivers test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

- My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.

- I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

- Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room.
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fashion
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#2502

Posted 13 January 2018 - 10:45 PM

My first highschool football game was a lot like my first time having sex.
I was pretty roughed up, sore, and kinda bloody, but at least

Spoiler
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Star-Lord
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#2503

Posted 15 January 2018 - 07:52 PM

On the first night of their honeymoon, the husband isnt sure how to tell his spanking new bride about his stinky feet and smelly socks, while the wife is wondering how to break the news to him about her awful dog breath, which so far, shes been able to cover up. After some soul-searching, the husband gathers his nerve and says, I have a confession.

She draws closer, peers into his eyes, and says, Darling, so do I.

Recoiling, he says, Woof! Dont tell me you've eaten my socks."
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Tokasmoka
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#2504

Posted 19 January 2018 - 06:19 PM

I dated a geologist once, she could get me rock hard but I often took her for granite.  But that's in the past, now I am looking for a career change.  I think I am going to become a fisherman just for the halibut.  After all I can sure bait a hook, you don't earn the title of master baiter by playing with yourself all day.

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Donatello
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#2505

Posted 19 January 2018 - 10:28 PM

Sometimes Chuck Norris wears a baseball cap so his eyes don't hurt the sun.
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Tokasmoka
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#2506

Posted 25 January 2018 - 10:19 PM

When I die I hope to die in my sleep.  As for the other 3 people in car well I hope one of them has the foresight to grab the wheel.

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Bruce Khansey
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#2507

Posted 26 January 2018 - 11:30 AM

There's a guy who keeps on saying "18".

 

He wakes up and yawns, "18, 18, 18..."

 

He has breakfast, "18, 18, 18..."

 

He washes himself and gets dressed, "18, 18, 18..."

 

He goes to work and meets the doorman.

 

"Good morning!"
"Good morning John! 18, 18 18..."

 

He goes to the nearest bus stop when a guy sees him and becomes intrigued with this guy who keeps on saying "18, 18, 18..."

 

He follows him.

 

Guy waits for the bus, "18, 18, 18..."

 

Guy gets in the bus, "18, 18, 18...", the other guy follows him.

 

The other guy can't take no more and says: "Excuse me sir!"

The guy: "Yes? 18, 18, 18..."

The other guy: "Why, WHY you always say '18'?"

 

The guy points out the other guy and yells: "HERE'S ANOTHER GUY WHO DOESN'T MIND HIS F*CKING BUSINESS! 19! 19! 19!"

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Femme Fatale
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#2508

Posted 28 January 2018 - 10:21 PM

A man who's down on his luck walks into a male brothel. He says that he's miserable, and could really use some cheering up. But all he has is two dollars, definitely not not enough to afford one of their male prostitutes. The owner feels bad for him, and says that they have a dead one upstairs that he can have a go at for his two bucks. When he finishes up and goes back downstairs, he says "That was great! But there was one problem. His nose kept running." The owner shrugs and says "Eh, he's probably just full is all."

Three men and a woman are stranded on a remote island. After one week, the woman felt so guilty about what she's been doing, that she decided to kill herself. After another week, the three men felt so terrible about what they have been doing, that they decided to give the woman a proper burial. After another week, the three men felt so terrible about what they have been doing, that they decided to dig her back up.

A man and his son are birdwatching.
Son: Daddy, what's your favorite bird?
Dad: The blue jay, son. Beautiful species.
Son: And what's mommy's favorite?
Dad: Definitely not the swallow. Or else I wouldn't be here with your nature-loving ass.
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Evil empire
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#2509

Posted 02 February 2018 - 12:40 PM

On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"
 
To which the farmer replied: "Thank god, I thought I had gone deaf!"

 
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Star-Lord
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#2510

Posted 03 February 2018 - 03:05 PM Edited by Star-Lord, 03 February 2018 - 03:06 PM.

A boy asks his granny, Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?
His granny replies, f*ck the pills, have you seen the dragon in the kitchen?

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.
One old lady turns to the other and asks, Do you still get horny?

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wifes voice urgently warning him,
Herman, I just heard on the news that theres a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77.
Please be careful!
Heck,said Herman,
Its not just one car. Its hundreds of them!
The other replies, Oh sure I do.
The first old lady asks, What do you do about it?
The second old lady replies, I suck a lifesaver.
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, Who drives you to the beach?
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Femme Fatale
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#2511

Posted 06 February 2018 - 01:24 AM

What's long, hard, and has cum in it?

Spoiler

 

A man walks up to another man in the street to ask for directions.

"Excuse me, could you show me the shortest way to the city morgue?

"Of course!" *Grabs him, and pushes him onto an oncoming car*

 

Conversation between a man and a hooker.

"How much for a handjob?"

"Two-hundred dollars. Want one?"

"Nah, I just wanted to know how much money I save whenever I jerk off."

 

A young man tries to be cute while flirting with a pretty girl at a bar.

"I turn beer into pee. What do you do?"

"I turn beer into golden showers and get paid for it."

 

Father: "Hey, son! What has four legs, and isn't alive?"

Son: "A chair, dad. Haha."

Father: "Nope, it's you pet dog, Toby." *holds up the dog's corpse*

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fashion
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#2512

Posted 17 February 2018 - 07:49 AM

Orgasms are like opinions

Spoiler
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Star-Lord
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#2513

Posted 25 February 2018 - 09:05 PM

Does anyone remember the comedian Yakov Smirnoff? When he first came to the USA from Russia he was not prepared for the incredible variety of instant products available in American grocery stores.

He says, "On my first shopping trip, I saw powdered milk -- you just add water, and you get milk. Then I saw powdered orange juice -- you just add water, and you get orange juice. And then I saw baby powder, and I thought to my self, "What a country!"
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GrudgefromSanAndreas
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#2514

Posted 26 February 2018 - 04:17 PM

What do ghosts smoke?

Spoiler


DarksunDaFirst
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#2515

Posted 27 February 2018 - 02:56 PM

How do you get a nun pregnant?






























































You f*ck her.


Femme Fatale
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#2516

Posted 28 February 2018 - 05:19 AM

I saw my ex spitting on my food at McDonalds. I was like bitch, I ate your ass, this is nothing!

Father: You just lost your first tooth, son, now what did you learn?
Son: To not interrupt you when you're talking.

"You can't hurt me, my heart is made out of rock."
"And mine is made out of paper, hah! I beat you, bitch!"
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Evil empire
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#2517

Posted 07 March 2018 - 06:58 PM

A blonde goes to work in tears. Her boss asks, "What's wrong?"

She says, "My mom died."

He told her to go home, but she answered, "No, I'll be fine."

Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, "What's wrong?"

She replies, "I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!"

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GrudgefromSanAndreas
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#2518

Posted 12 March 2018 - 07:51 PM

!WARNING! This joke is extremely nerdy:

 

What is Jean-Luc Picard's favourite phone?

Spoiler


Star-Lord
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#2519

Posted 16 March 2018 - 08:19 PM

Short joke:

Hey man, do you smell that. Jimmy did you pass gas again?

[Jimmy] Nah man, that's my asshole talking sh*t again.
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Star-Lord
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#2520

Posted 17 March 2018 - 01:56 PM

[Jew joke for funny purposes only, for lawsuits see my circus lawyer....]

Alright, so we at church [YouTube] and the Pastor takes a moment of silence and said "The Heavens will be covered in pure gold.

Spoiler



Why do programmers wear gloves during the winter?
Spoiler




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