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The Joke Thread

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Evil empire
  • Evil empire

    Li'l G Loc

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#2491

Posted 4 weeks ago Edited by Evil empire, 4 weeks ago.

Once there was a man that came from France to America, He couldnt speak English so he went to choir and learned how to say "Me me me me me me."
Then he went to the store and saw a little girl say "He stole my dolly"
And on his way home he went to get meat from the butcher and learned how to say "Big butcher knife big butcher knife."
Then he went home and watched an air freshener commercial and learned how to say "Plug it in Plug it in."
Then he went to the store and there was a murder the police said "Who killed this man?"
The French guy said "Me me me me me me me."
The police said "Why did you kill him?"
And the man said "He stole my dolly."
The police man said "What did you kill him with?"
The man said "Big butcher knife big butcher knife."
Then they took him to jail and sentenced him to death.
The police man said "any last words?"
And the French guy said "Plug it in plug it in."
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Lucius M. Galloway
  • Lucius M. Galloway

    Blood God

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#2492

Posted 4 weeks ago

Once upon a time I had this friend named Derek. So we had this mutual friend named Taylor too, and he asks if he could see a picture of Taylor, because I already described him as a big guy. So he gets the picture, and he's smacking his lips like a girl. So I finally asks him what?

He says "How many times does Taylor sh*t a week?"

I lost all sanity, I took off my headset and cried nonstop. There is a rare occasion where someone can make me laugh hysterically, and that was one of those moments I'll never forget.

I told Taylor the comment he made he asked, "why does another man want to know when another man sh*ts?"

Touché.

Star-Lord
  • Star-Lord

    Freelance Outlaw And A Great Dancer

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#2493

Posted 3 weeks ago

The Orville with Peter Griffin in command.
 
Sir waiting your command!?
 
Peter - Yeah, yeah. Go straight down two galaxies at the light make a left.

Donatello
  • Donatello

    Anyone for stickball? I've got a stick. You be the ball.

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#2494

Posted 3 weeks ago

Chuck Norris once looked at Medusa. Now she's a statue at Chuck Norris' house.
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Star-Lord
  • Star-Lord

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#2495

Posted 2 weeks ago

My new year's resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey. New Year's Eve is the only acceptable time to wear body glitter without being mistaken for a stripper. My New Year's resolution is 4K.

Femme Fatale
  • Femme Fatale

    prettier n nastier

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#2496

Posted 2 weeks ago

An old man enters the confessional. "Father, I have sinned. For my sixty-second birthday, I went to a bar where I picked up two young women, and had sex with both of them three times over the next day."
"I see. How long has it been since you confessed yourself?"
"This is my first time, I've been an atheist all my life."
"What? Then, why are you telling me this?"
"Are you kidding? I'm telling everybody!"

Young Woman: "What do you prefer: breasts or legs?"
Old Man: "What I really like is a well shaved snatch."
Apparently, he is no longer welcome in any KFC establishment from now on.
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Donatello
  • Donatello

    Anyone for stickball? I've got a stick. You be the ball.

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#2497

Posted 2 weeks ago

It took Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes...

Star-Lord
  • Star-Lord

    Freelance Outlaw And A Great Dancer

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#2498

Posted 2 weeks ago Edited by Star-Lord, A week ago.

- I believe in eight of the ten commandments; and I believe in going to church every Sunday unless there's a game on.

- It was so sweet backstage, you should have seen it: The Teamsters were helping Michael Moore into the trunk of his limo.

- I used to smoke marijuana. But I'll tell you something: I would only smoke it in the late evening. Oh, occasionally the early evening, but usually the late evening - or the mid-evening. Just the early evening, midevening and late evening. Occasionally, early afternoon, early mid-afternoon, or perhaps the late-midafternoon. Oh, sometimes the early-mid-late-early morning. . . But never at dusk! Never at dusk, I would never do that.

Star-Lord
  • Star-Lord

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#2499

Posted 2 weeks ago Edited by Star-Lord, A week ago.

Let me tell you what really happened. Usually when I go to bed, I have milk and cookies. And One night I had some low-fat milk and some pasteurized, And I mixed them together. And I dipped my cookie and the sh*t blew up!
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Evil empire
  • Evil empire

    Li'l G Loc

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#2500

Posted 2 weeks ago

A woman in Brooklyn decided to prepare her Will and make her final requests.
She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered all over Macy's.
 
-"Why Macy's?" asked the rabbi.
-"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

Star-Lord
  • Star-Lord

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#2501

Posted 2 weeks ago Edited by Star-Lord, A week ago.

Edit: Some Rodney Dangerfield Instead.

- My wife had her drivers test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

- My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.

- I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

- Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room.
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fashion
  • fashion

    ಠ_ರೃ

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#2502

Posted 6 days ago

My first highschool football game was a lot like my first time having sex.
I was pretty roughed up, sore, and kinda bloody, but at least

Spoiler

Star-Lord
  • Star-Lord

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#2503

Posted 4 days ago

On the first night of their honeymoon, the husband isnt sure how to tell his spanking new bride about his stinky feet and smelly socks, while the wife is wondering how to break the news to him about her awful dog breath, which so far, shes been able to cover up. After some soul-searching, the husband gathers his nerve and says, I have a confession.

She draws closer, peers into his eyes, and says, Darling, so do I.

Recoiling, he says, Woof! Dont tell me you've eaten my socks."
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Tokasmoka
  • Tokasmoka

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#2504

Posted 20 hours ago

I dated a geologist once, she could get me rock hard but I often took her for granite.  But that's in the past, now I am looking for a career change.  I think I am going to become a fisherman just for the halibut.  After all I can sure bait a hook, you don't earn the title of master baiter by playing with yourself all day.

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Donatello
  • Donatello

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#2505

Posted 16 hours ago

Sometimes Chuck Norris wears a baseball cap so his eyes don't hurt the sun.
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