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The Joke Thread

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DOUGL4S1
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#2401

Posted 3 weeks ago

Note: Dad jokes are better when spoken out loud.

 

People say commas don't make a difference in sentences, but I don't agree:

 

"I want the boys, Sam and Joe to be very good."

"I want the boys, Sam and Joe to be in a coma."

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Donatello
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#2402

Posted 3 weeks ago

A man showed up for a duel armed only with a pencil and a paper.

He then proceeded to draw his weapon.
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Evil empire
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#2403

Posted 3 weeks ago

Why was the delegation from the Dallas Dyslexic Republican Association turned away from the Republican National Convention?
 
Their placard read: 'We love Taxes'.
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InstaNoodles
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#2404

Posted 3 weeks ago

So, a Trump supporter and a vegan walk into a bar... I only this because they told everyone the moment they sat down.
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Evil empire
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#2405

Posted 3 weeks ago

I didn't know there are so many jokes about my compatriots.

 

Q: Why do French People eat snails?
 
A: Because they don't like fast food!
 
 
Q: What is the Guillotine?
 
A: A French chopping centre.
 
 
Q: Which ghost was president of France?
 
A: Charles de Ghoul.
 
 
Q: Did you hear about the Frenchman who jumped into the river in Paris?
 
A: He was declared to be in Seine.
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DOUGL4S1
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#2406

Posted 3 weeks ago Edited by DOUGL4S1, 3 weeks ago.

I didn't know there are so many jokes about my compatriots.
 
Q: Why do French People eat snails?
 
A: Because they don't like fast food!
 
 
Q: What is the Guillotine?
 
A: A French chopping centre.
 
 
Q: Which ghost was president of France?
 
A: Charles de Ghoul.
 
 
Q: Did you hear about the Frenchman who jumped into the river in Paris?
 
A: He was declared to be in Seine.

Didn't know the French were masochists. I mean, there are various stores at every block that sells pain!
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Donatello
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#2407

Posted 3 weeks ago

My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.

I said, "No, wait! I can change."
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Femme Fatale
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#2408

Posted 3 weeks ago

"Hello, nine months ago I came by asking if you have any condoms, do you have any now?"

"Yes."

"Great. Shove them up your ass, and give me a pack of diapers."
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Neon_Dreaming
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#2409

Posted 2 weeks ago

A German guy approaches a prostitute and says "I vish to buy sex vit you"

"OK" says the girl, "I'll charge 100 dollars an hour"

"Ist goot, but I must varn you I am a little kinky"

"No problem" she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky"

So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.

"I vant you to tie ze springs to each of your limbs."

The girl finds this strange but complies, fastening the springs to her hands and knees.

"Now you vill get on your hans and knees"

She duly does this, balancing on the springs.

"You vill please blow zis vistle as I make love to you."

She finds this all very odd, but figures it's harmless, and the guy is paying.

The sex is fantastic.

She is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller.

The climax is the most sensational she has ever experienced, and it is several minutes before she has recovered her breath.

Finally she gasps "That was totally amazing...... what do you call that?"

"Ah" says the German...... I am an automotive engineer with Audi.....

"Four sprung duck technique"

Audi 1 - Jaguar 0
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Femme Fatale
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#2410

Posted 2 weeks ago

Mother: A little birdie told me that you're taking drugs.
Son: Me? You're the one who's talking to birds!

Son: Mom, how did you and my dad make me?
Mom: Well, your dad planted a seed, and he watered and took care of it every day. Eventually, that seed gave birth to a plant that he kept taking care of. That plant grew and gave birth to flowers; your dad cut it off, we smoked it, he f*cked me raw against the wall, and you were the result.
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Evil empire
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#2411

Posted 2 weeks ago

4. How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

 

Three. One to hire a Mexican guy and two to deport him when he’s done.

 

 

5. How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

 

200. Ten to attach the bulb to the sun, and 190 to make the sun revolve around the Earth.

 

 

6. How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

 

None. Change is evil and we should leave the light bulb as it.

 

 

7. How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

 

Just one, but millions volunteered to get rid of anything dark

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Donatello
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#2412

Posted 2 weeks ago

What do you call an imaginary color?

Spoiler
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Evil empire
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#2413

Posted A week ago

What are the common points between republicans and snowflakes?

 

They're white, they're cold, and if you put enough of them together they'll shut down public schools

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JON22
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#2414

Posted A week ago

My life.....
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Carbonox
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#2415

Posted A week ago

The other day, I got jumped by 5 black guys in Baltimore.

 

Spoiler

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GrudgefromSanAndreas
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#2416

Posted A week ago

What do you call a Latin American girl who doesn't take a shower nor bath?

Spoiler

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Femme Fatale
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#2417

Posted A week ago

A woman tells her husband:
"Sweetie, I went to a doctor's appointment, and he advised that I should f*ck three times a day."

"Well what are we waiting for? Let's start!"

"I can't, he also advised me to not use home remedies."
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Evil empire
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#2418

Posted A week ago

Why didn't Melania Trump want to be the first lady?
 
Because she would have had to move into a smaller house.
 
 
 
How do you make Halloween great again?
 
By carving a Trumpkin.

 
 
Why does Trump love the poorly educated?
 
Because they only know their ABCs "Anybody But Clinton".

 

 

 

What did Donald Trump do before criticizing illegals?
 
He made sure his pools were clean and his lawns were mowed.

Femme Fatale
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#2419

Posted 6 days ago

A wife asks her husband.
"What would you do if the world was about to end in ten minutes?"

"We'd f*ck." :sly:

"Okay, but what about the other nine minutes?"




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