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The Joke Thread

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InstaNoodles
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#2341

Posted 07 May 2017 - 02:44 PM

So, this guy is on a business trip to Japan and before his big meeting he has in the morning, he wants to get f*cked up. So he goes to a seedy japanese brothel and says to the man in charge, "Just gimme the cheapest girl you got." A beautiful Japanese woman approaches him and it becomes obvious she can't speak or understand English.
So the guy gets wasted and he's having sex with this girl. While this is happening, she starts shouting, "VING-DA VING-DA! VING-DA!" He doesn't think much of it though, because she seems like she's fine.
The next day, after his meeting, he's playing golf with two of his business partners, who are Japanese but can speak English. While he's playing golf, he gets a hole in one, and excitedly shouts "VING-DA VING-DA!" And his partners are confused, so they look at him and ask, "What do you mean, wrong hole?"
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Donatello
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#2342

Posted 07 May 2017 - 04:12 PM

The person who thought its a good idea to put the light switch outside of the bathroom clearly didnt have any siblings.
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#2343

Posted 08 May 2017 - 09:11 AM

I saw two guys wearing matching clothing and asked if they were gay.
 
 
They quickly arrested me.
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Neon_Dreaming
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#2344

Posted 08 May 2017 - 12:53 PM Edited by Neon_Dreaming, 08 May 2017 - 12:54 PM.

Two Thai women asked me would I like to go to bed with them
They said it would be like winning the lottery
Wow! were they right, we had six matching balls between us.
 
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in trouble. 
You have my Word.
 
I had a dog called Minton. He ate all my shuttlecocks.
Bad Minton!
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#2345

Posted 08 May 2017 - 03:55 PM

Do Transformers get car insurance or life insurance?
 
Neither because they live in America.
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#2346

Posted 08 May 2017 - 03:59 PM

It remains a puzzle why a bra is singular and panties are plural.
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Evil empire
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#2347

Posted 09 May 2017 - 01:58 AM

The Madam opened the brothel door to see a frail, elderly gentleman. "Can I help you?" the madam asked.

"I want Natalie," the old man replied.

"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..."

"No, I must see Natalie." Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. Without blinking, the man reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour, whereupon the man calmly left.

The next night he appeared again demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts...it was still $1,000 a visit. Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and an hour later, he left.

When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man: "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row. Where are you from?"

The old man replied, "I'm from Philadelphia."

"Really?" replied Natalie. "I have family who lives there."

"Yes, I know," said the old man. "Your father died, and I'm your sister's attorney. She asked me to give this $3,000 to you."

 

Morality: In life some things are unavoidable like death and being fµcked by a lawyer.

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#2348

Posted 09 May 2017 - 02:57 AM

Morality: In life some things are unavoidable like death and being fµcked by a lawyer.

What's up with you and lawyers!?

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#2349

Posted 09 May 2017 - 09:27 PM Edited by Evil-Empire, 09 May 2017 - 09:28 PM.

The lawyers are largely a heap of caricatures of human beings ready to let a sadistic pedophil go free for a missing signature as long as they know it'll bring them a selfish benefit.

 

______________________________________________

According to Native American wisdom, when you learn the horse you’re riding has died, the best thing to do is get a new horse.
Because of procedural considerations, however, the boss at my company has decided to try other strategies first. Like:

  1. Purchasing expensive, high-tech whips.
  2. Assigning a different rider.
  3. Telling the horse it could be fired.
  4. Organizing a horse-study committee.
  5. Surveying competitors to find out how they make their dead horses go.
  6. Changing the dead horse’s classification to "living-impaired."
  7. Hiring consultants to study how to ride a dead horse.
  8. Creating a team of dead horses, harnessed together for increased efficiency.
  9. Giving the dead horse to a non-profit, so its cost is fully deductible.
  10. Initiating a study to find out if productivity is enhanced by lighter riders.
  11. Adjusting the overhead costs of the dead horse to zero for accounting purposes.
  12. Promoting the dead horse to management.

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#2350

Posted 10 May 2017 - 09:01 PM

Did you hear about the midget psychic? Yeah, the cops said there was a small medium at large. 

 

What did the agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac do? He stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog.

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#2351

Posted 10 May 2017 - 10:37 PM

I found my wife hanging from a rope in the attic.

There was a note saying, "I really can't stand your criticsm any longer!"

I quickly cut the rope and reanimated her. Thankfully I could bring her back to life.

As she lay in my arms I could see her eyes slowly open and I said, "Come on, that's not how you spell criticism."
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#2352

Posted 11 May 2017 - 09:16 AM

A boy is writing a paper on childbirth and asks his parents, "How was I born?" 
 
His mother awkwardly answers, "The stork brought you." 
 
"Oh," says the boy. "Well, how were you and Daddy born?" 
 
"Um, well, the stork brought us, too, and Grandpa and Grandma." 
 
The boy begins his paper, "This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."
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#2353

Posted 11 May 2017 - 09:34 AM Edited by Evil-Empire, 11 May 2017 - 09:35 AM.

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave.

Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.

The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."

The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."

The man sets about his task.

After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks.

"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."

The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.

Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."

The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!
With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

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#2354

Posted 11 May 2017 - 11:51 AM Edited by Street Mix, 11 May 2017 - 11:53 AM.

Genie: Whats your first wish? 
Dave: I wish I was rich. 
Genie: Granted, what's your second wish? 
Rich: I want lots of money.
 
How many vegans does it take to eat a cheeseburger?
One if nobody's looking.
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Donatello
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#2355

Posted 11 May 2017 - 02:09 PM Edited by Donatello, 11 May 2017 - 02:10 PM.

You stole my Microsoft Office and for that you're going to pay. You have my Word!
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DOUGL4S1
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#2356

Posted 11 May 2017 - 02:30 PM

A man was driving down a desert road on his old VW Beetle. The car was in its last legs, and sure enough, it couldn't take the heat of the desert and the highway speeds and broke down. Unfortunatelly, the closest town was dozens of miles ahead and nobody was going down the road, so he had to wait.

 

The first car to go down the road was a rich man driving his Lamborghini Huracán. He felt bad for the person stranded on the side of the road, so he decided to help him. He attached the Beetle to the Lamborghini's frame, but the beetle's owner recommended him to not go past 30mph, because his car was very old and rusted and could fall off with the excessive speed. The Beetle's owner got in his old car because he didn't want to ruin the expensive Lamborghini's interior with his clothes full of sand.

 

A few miles down the road, another rich person overtook both with his McLaren 650S. The Lamborghini driver forgot about the Beetle and decided to do a drag race on the empty road. They both accelerated very quickly and were almost on their top speeds. The Beetle owner was panicking as his car was starting to fall appart, so he tried flashing his lights at the Lamborghini owner to remind him that he was towing a vehicle.

 

Down the road, a police officer saw the drag race and decided to put an end to it. He pulled out behind the cars, but soon slammed on his brakes. His partner was a bit confused and asked:

"Why did you do that? We just needed their plates!"

"Sorry, I think I'm halucinating. there was a Lamborghini and a McLaren drag racing and an old VW Beetle flashing its lights to go past them!!"

 

A police officer pulled over a lady who was driving on the oncoming lanes of a highway. He approached the driver and asked:

"Where the hell were you going to!?"

"I don't know, but it's probably a terrible place. Everyone's coming back!!"

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Neon_Dreaming
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#2357

Posted 11 May 2017 - 05:44 PM Edited by Neon_Dreaming, 11 May 2017 - 05:44 PM.

My Girlfriend broke up with because she said I was "too kinky".

I nearly spat her piss out when she told me


I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.

I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection but she did.


Two nuns were cycling through an old part of Rome. First Nun: I've never come this way before. Second Nun: That'll be the cobbles.
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#2358

Posted 12 May 2017 - 08:40 PM

What's black and always in the back of a police car?
 
The seat.
 
 
 
Female Police Officer: "Anything you say can or will be held against you."
 
Me: "Tits."
 
 
 
Q: What do you call a female police officer who plays guitar?
 
A: SHE RIFF
 
 
 
What did the Missouri sheriff call the black teen who had been shot 12 times?
 
Worst case of suicide he had ever seen.
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#2359

Posted 13 May 2017 - 02:56 AM

A husband and wife are trying to come up with a password for their computer. The husband chooses "mydick" as the password, and the wife topkeks when a message pops up saying: "Error, it's not long enough."
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#2360

Posted 14 May 2017 - 02:38 PM

Mike went into a bar after work DESPERATE for a drink, now this wasnt his usual, it was one he had never been in before.
"Jesus" he says to himself, "This is one fancy joint" while looking at the fellow playing the Grande Piano in the corner and plonking himself on a cushioned stool next to the marble topped bar.
"One Pint please Barman!" he shouts.
"Coming right up" the Barman announces and places a cold one on the bar top.

The instant the pint glass touches the bar, a small monkey jumps out of the open piano, climbs down the leg runs across the plush carpet and leaps onto the bar.

"WHAT THE SHUDDERING FÚCK!" Mike shouts as the monkey sticks his arse in the pint and wiggles his butt around all the while starting intently at Mike.
This goes on for about five seconds before the monkey bolts back across the floor and dives back into the piano.

"No damn way I am drinking that!" says Mike to the Barman.
"Cant say I blame you" the Barman replies and pours Mike another pint.

The instant it touches the bar the monkey is back out of the piano, down the leg, runs across the floor, climbs the bar and jiggles his tiny arse in the pint again, all the while staring at Mike like some sort of weird pervert.

"FOR FÚCKS SAKE!" exclaims Mike as the monkey legs it back into the piano. "Barman I cant drink this, another one please"
"Sure thing" and the Barman places another pint down.

Now the instant it touches the bar, the monkey leaps out, climbs down the table leg, shimmies across the floor, up onto the bar and really sloshes the pint around with his arse, all the while locking his eyes on Mike.

"I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS!" announces Mike as he storms across the carpet to the pianist.

"Mate..." he says to the pianist
"Yes, can I help you sir?" the pianist replies.

"Do you know, every time I order a pint, a God damn tiny monkey jumps out of your piano, climbs down the leg of it, runs across the floor here and wiggles his arse in my pint. All the while staring at me like some FREAK?" Mike shouts.

The pianist stares at him oddly "Erm ... no I dont think so Sir, but if you hum a few bars I might remember it"


A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table," or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?" The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another. Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back and said, "OK, I give up. Where's the fúcking ship?"
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Donatello
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#2361

Posted 14 May 2017 - 03:16 PM

Doctor, how can I live longer than 100 years?

Do you smoke?
No.

Do you eat too much?
No.

Do you go to bed late?
No.

Do you have affairs with promiscuous women?
No.

Then why would you want to live more than 100 years?
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#2362

Posted 19 May 2017 - 02:31 AM

If you put cum on a tres leches cake, then is it a four leches cake?

A middle aged couple are taking a walk on the street, when the wife catches the husband staring up at the sky. Wife: "What's wrong, dear?"
Husband: *Still staring at the sky* Nothing, just thinking about my mom."
Wife: "Ah, you're thinking about her up in heaven, looking down at you, huh?
Husband: "No, that cloud over there looks a lot like the paddle she'd beat me with whenever I misbehaved."

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#2363

Posted 19 May 2017 - 11:33 AM Edited by Evil-Empire, 19 May 2017 - 11:33 AM.

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says, "the parrot on the left costs 500 dollars". "Why does the parrot cost so much," asks the man. The shop owner says, "well, the parrot knows how to use a computer".

The man then asks about the next parrot to be told that this one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.

Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot to be told that it costs 2,000 dollars. Needless to say this begs the question, "What can it do?" To which the shop owner replies, "to be honest I have never seen it do a thing, but the other two call him boss!"
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#2364

Posted 21 May 2017 - 12:03 AM

This is an elderly couple.
Husband: So, where do you wanna bang tonight, hun?
Wife: On the floor.
Husband: Huh? Why on the floor?
Wife: So I can feel something that's actually hard!
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#2365

Posted 21 May 2017 - 07:34 AM Edited by Alvarez, 21 May 2017 - 07:36 AM.

-And here I keep my pet piranha, his name is Macleod.
-Why Macleod?
-I used to own two pet piranhas.
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#2366

Posted 21 May 2017 - 06:25 PM

What did the policeman say to his belly button?
 
You're under a vest!
 
 
What do you call a fat white cop?
 
Porky pig 
 
 
Cop: "Were going to have to give you a drug test."
 
Me: "Cool, which drugs are we testing?"
 
 
What do you call it when a prisoner takes his own mug shot?
 
A cellfie.
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#2367

Posted 21 May 2017 - 07:44 PM

Q: What did the moose say after leaving the gay bar?
 
A:

Spoiler

 

Q: What did the gay rooster say?

 

A:

Spoiler
 

 

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#2368

Posted 22 May 2017 - 11:13 PM Edited by DOUGL4S1, 22 May 2017 - 11:14 PM.

Two antenas met on a roof, fell in love and eventually married. The ceremony wasn't that much, but the reception was great!

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#2369

Posted 23 May 2017 - 02:25 PM

Moses was walking down the street when he bumped into George W. Bush. "Hello," Bush said. "Nice weather we’re having, huh?" Moses took one look at the President, turned, and ran in the other direction.

 

The next day Moses was walking down the same street and there was Bush. Again he tried to initiate a conversation. Again Moses turned and ran away.

 

Bush was tired of this bizarre treatment, so the next time Moses ran away from him, Bush followed. When he caught up, he asked Moses what was wrong.

Moses said, "The last time I talked to a bush I spent 40 years in the desert."

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#2370

Posted 25 May 2017 - 01:41 PM

The phone rings, unknown number.
-"Hello?"
-"Hi, cutie, do you have a boyfriend?"
-"Oh yes! I love him soooo much. Who are you?"
-"I'm your brother, and I'm telling dad, haha!" *hangs up phone*
A couple of hours pass, another unknown caller.
-"Hey there, angel face, do you have a boyfriend?
-"No, who are you?
-"I'm your boyfriend, you bastard! Why are you saying you don't have, you sleeping with other men?!"
-"Sorry! It's just that my brother pranked me earlier to fool me into admitting it so he can tell our dad. You know I love you.
-"Hah! I was just joking, I'm not your boyfriend, I'm your dad! You're grounded, mister!"
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