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The Joke Thread

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Achlys
  • Achlys

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#2281

Posted A week ago

What did a 6'7 well-endowed muscle bear say to a 5'4 twinkish virgin?
Spoiler

DOUGL4S1
  • DOUGL4S1

    Playa

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#2282

Posted A week ago

Marie is an orphan that lost both arms in the accident that killed her parents. What did she get for christmas?

 

Gloves. Just kidding, she didn't open her present yet.

 

 

Knock Knock.

Who's there?

Not Marie!

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Alvarez
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#2283

Posted A week ago

A hare smokes a spliff on a shore. The beaver passes by and asks for a hit.
Hare accepts but asks beaver to dive and emerge for better effect.
Beaver takes a hit and surfaces away near a hippo. "Damn, good stuff!" he says. Hippo gets curious and beaver sends him to the hare.

So the hippo surfaces near the hare, the hare drops the split, his eyes turn open wide and he goes:

"Exhale, beaver! EXHALE!!!"

Street Mix
  • Street Mix

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#2284

Posted A week ago Edited by Street Mix, A week ago.

I'm really worried about my parrot. 
He keeps saying, "I can't go on, I hate my life". 
 
My room-mate's too selfish to notice. He's always crying.
 
----------------
 
I always tell my kids to stay in school... 
 
but they keep f**king coming back.
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Achlys
  • Achlys

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#2285

Posted A week ago

Here's a couple of jokes for my fellow Spanish speakers. Don't bother using Google translate, they won't make sense in English.

Cliente: Me da una hamburgesa a la huerfana?
Cajero: Como es eso?
Cliente: Sin papas!


Un muchacho entra a un bar Gay para reunirse con su novio que tiene una cita con. Cuando entra, unos de sus amigos le da la mala noticia de que econtraron muerto a su novio en el baño, se hico una sobredosis de droga. "Ve a recogerlo," le dice su amigo. El muchacho viudo nomas se le quedo mirando, y le pregunta "Quieres que lo recoga, seguro que quieres que haga eso??" "Si, era tu novio," le responde. El viudo nomas encoge los hombros, y va hacer lo que le dijeron. Pasa una hora, y aun no sale del baño, su amigo decide ir a investigar que pasa. Cuando entra, se sorprende al encontrar al muchacho encuerado y sentado en una de las tazas de baño, y su novio muerto(y tambien encuerado) sentadose en su verga. "Que carajos estas haciendo?!" le pregunta el amigo. "Pues tu me dijiste que lo recoga," le responde, "lo cogia cuando estaba vivo, y ahora lo estoy re-cogiendo ahora que esta muerto!"
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Protocol_10
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#2286

Posted 6 days ago

Not sure if anybody has posted this one yet but it's literally the funniest joke I have ever heard. :lol:

"A visiting professor at the University of West Virginia gives a seminar on the supernatural.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 40 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start," says the professor. "How many have seen a ghost?"

About 20 students raise their hands.

The professor asks, "Has anyone ever touched a ghost?"

Three students raise their hands.

"OK," says the professor. "I'm curious -- have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

One student way in the back raises his hand.

The professor is astonished. He takes a step back and says, "Sir, would you be willing to come up here and tell us about your experience?"

The student make his way up to the podium.

The professor says, "Thank you for being so honest. Now, please, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost."

The student replies, "Ghost?! Dang, I thought you was talkin' about 'goats.'"

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DOUGL4S1
  • DOUGL4S1

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#2287

Posted 6 days ago

-Do you wanna hear a joke about Sodium?

-Na

-What about Sodium Hypobromite?

-NaBrO

-What about a Curium, Oxygen, Nitrogen, Fluorine and Cobalt(II) Fluoride?

-Cm O N, F CoF2

-Ok, but what about a simple one, about Oxygen and Potassium?

-O K

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Seventh Star
  • Seventh Star

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#2288

Posted 14 hours ago

What is agony?

You are a one-armed man hanging off a cliff. Suddenly your butt starts to itch.
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AiŽaŠobŽa
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#2289

Posted 12 hours ago

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”

“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?”

The auditor thinks for a moment and says, “OK. Go ahead.”
Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”
The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.”

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.
Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”

The auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

“Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

“Are you OK?” the auditor asks.

“Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.”
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