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The Joke Thread

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PhillBellic
  • PhillBellic

    Phill Bellic. The Universal L.E.O.

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  • Joined: 03 Jul 2012
  • Australia

#2161

Posted 3 weeks ago

Found on Imgur;

 

 

As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.

 

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

 

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

 

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

 

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

 

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

:D

  • Crokey, Alvarez, Midnight Hitman and 1 other like this

Alvarez
  • Alvarez

    Boss

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#2162

Posted 3 weeks ago

From Bash.im: "you never felt the total immersion when you haven't watched Day of the Dead with drunken dad banging at your rooms door."
  • Midnight Hitman likes this

Street Mix
  • Street Mix

    Blue lives don't matter

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#2163

Posted 2 weeks ago Edited by Street Mix, 2 weeks ago.

The doctor gave me 4 months to live, so I shot him.
Judge gave me 20 years. Problem solved.
 
I recently met up with an old girlfriend of mine and we immediately started having sex. 
The police got annoyed, however - they only wanted me to identify the body.
 
What's the difference between a bomb vest and a feminist?
A bomb vest does something when it's triggered.
 
My wife said she'd like another baby... 
...I agreed, the one we have is f**king annoying!
 
I asked to switch seats on a plane because I was sat next to a screaming baby. 
Apparently that's not allowed if the baby is yours.
 
"Commissioner, we've found 20 kilograms of cocaine."
"10 kilograms you say?"
"Yeah, 5 kilograms."
 
Vote for Trump!!! He will end racism!!! By kicking all nonwhites out of the country and therefore there will be nobody to be racist toward!
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PhillBellic
  • PhillBellic

    Phill Bellic. The Universal L.E.O.

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  • Joined: 03 Jul 2012
  • Australia

#2164

Posted 2 weeks ago

Did you hear about the lady whose whole left side was cut off?

She's all right now.

 

I wondered why the Cricket Ball was getting larger.

Then it hit me.

 

Bakers swap recipes on a knead to know basis.

  • Street Mix likes this

Street Mix
  • Street Mix

    Blue lives don't matter

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#2165

Posted 3 days ago Edited by Street Mix, 3 days ago.

I caught my son listening to a song called "Smack my Bitch Up". 
 
I took him to one side and explained it wasn't big or clever to hit women. 
 
"But Dad", he said, "It's not about that at all. It's about injecting women with heroin so they can be manipulated into prostitution." 
 
I apologised for my mistake.
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Seventh Star
  • Seventh Star

    Life makes no sense when fish are gay.

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#2166

Posted 3 days ago

Two fish are sitting in a tank. One looks over at the other and says: "Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?"
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Neon_Dreaming
  • Neon_Dreaming

    __________

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#2167

Posted 2 hours ago

Do you know what happened to the dyslexic devil worshipper?

He sold his soul to Santa.



I went into a Chinese takeaway last night.

The owner of the shop said, "what do you do for a riving?"

I said, "what do I do for a living? I'm a bit of a comedian."

So the Chinese chap says, "go on then, change colour."

I said, "no! I'm not a chameleon, I'm a comedian."

So then he says, "tell me a joke, make me raff."

I said, "You want me to tell you a joke and make you laugh?"

Just then his Pan caught fire, so I said, "Wok! Wok!"

And he said, "who der?"




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