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The Joke Thread

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TKDSnovelist
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#2131

Posted 25 July 2016 - 02:27 PM

You know what's Icantthinkofonew favorite porn actress?

 

Spoiler

 

Don't worry, it's not NSFW, it's a simple joke.

 

I reckon its

 

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KlIIUMlNATl
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#2132

Posted 4 weeks ago

Knock knock
-Who's there?
9/11
-9/11, who?
-I thought you wont forget !!!
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Surak
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#2133

Posted 4 weeks ago

*You said you'd never forget...

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RogerWho
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#2134

Posted 4 weeks ago Edited by RogerWho, 4 weeks ago.

Just got out of prison after attacking a man on New years eve. Excuse me for getting nervous while an Arab was counting down from ten.

 

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Why are there no Mexican olympics? Because everyone who can run, jump, or swim is already across the border.

 

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I'll admit that the Chinese kids in math class are pretty smart. But doing it with their eyes closed... that's a bit cocky.

 

------

 

Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says "Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you $100." The one says to the other, "should we do it?" The other says "NO!! Are you crazy?" The first guy replies "Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... I'm gonna do it."

So he walks into the church, and little while later, he walks back out. The friend says "well, did you get the money?" He replies "Oh that's all you people think about, isn't it?"

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Majesty Dreamworth
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#2135

Posted 4 weeks ago Edited by Majesty Dreamworth, 4 weeks ago.

I'm bored. Even sex is boring.

I once thought getting my redwings on a flight from New York to LA would have me a mile high, but it was just plane boring.

You'd think that climbing aboard and chugging along with some non-stop rail action would get real steamy in the hotbox, but it's as boring as a straight line.

I've been rocking back and forth about which way the wind blows on going deep across the high seas, but it's currently boring.

Some dick was swimming with excitement at the suggestion of watersports. I was piss bored.

Another asshole warmed right up on his stool when the matter of feces was dropped into the conversation. I found it sh*t-f*cking boring.

So I had to shake things up. Go more extreme.

I thought incest would bring me closer to the mother of all my joys, but it was relatively boring.

I tried to really liven things up with necrophilia. It was dead boring.

I had heard that bestiality was buck wild, but I only found myself more boared than ever.

I became forceful about taking control of my sexual boredom... I found some woman in an alleyway, and even she was bored to tears.

Yet the one thing I'll never try, is play with a kid. It might be a minor thrill to teach them some fun, but I am bored of education.


KlIIUMlNATl
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#2136

Posted 4 weeks ago

Why did the chicken cross the road?

The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

GTA_stu
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#2137

Posted 4 weeks ago

GTAF servers.

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RogerWho
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#2138

Posted 4 weeks ago Edited by RogerWho, 4 weeks ago.

What's that dark, ugly, incredibly depressing thing that's knocking on your door?

Spoiler

 

 

 

------

 

 

A teenager in the Netherlands is asking his grandpa:

"Grandpa, have you seen my cookies?"

"Forget cookies and check out that dragon in the kitchen!"

 

 

 

------

 

Son: Dad, what does 'gay' means?

Father: It means 'to be happy'.

Son: Are you gay?

Father: No, son. I have a wife.

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SprayPaintedCraniums
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#2139

Posted 4 weeks ago

What's that dark, ugly, incredibly depressing thing that's knocking on your door?

Spoiler

I thought they were called Jehovah's Witnesses...

DERGaming
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#2140

Posted 4 weeks ago

What do you call an acid with an attitude?
 
A-mean-o acid.


HEY!!!! Only The Joker Tells Jokes Like That

Majesty Dreamworth
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#2141

Posted 4 weeks ago

Why did the chicken cross the road?

The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

A eco-hipster walks into a bar...


KlIIUMlNATl
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#2142

Posted 4 weeks ago

Why did the chicken cross the road?

The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

A eco-hipster walks into a bar...

Hipster jokes... just too mainstream.

Two hipsters walk into a bar. The first one did it before it was cool, and the second one did it ironically.


Why did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate it before it was cool.

Neon_Dreaming
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#2143

Posted 4 weeks ago

Saudi Arabia do not sell Flintstone DVD's

but Abu Dhabi do


Whats brown and rhymes with Snoop?

Dr. Dre.


I went to the doctor today and explained
"whenever i harvest our cornfields,i get a really bad headache"

"It's a migraine" he said

"No it's not,it's mine,and why the fcuk have you started speaking in an Italian accent?"
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RogerWho
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#2144

Posted 4 weeks ago Edited by RogerWho, 4 weeks ago.

In the spirit of political correctness, the following jokes should offend everybody!

 

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The anniversary of 9/11 approaches and I don't usually buy in to conspiracy theories, but did you spot that if you add 9 and 11 you get 20. And that is curiously the average IQ of an American.

 

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Q: What do you call the most powerful white man on the planet? A: The President of the Unit... Wait, sh*t.
 

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When terrorists feed their children, do they use the airplane method of "open wide" while making airplane noises? Or do they just smash it into their faces?

 

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A black guy walks into a bar with a big bright colorful parrot on his shoulder.
"Dude where did you get that?" The bartender asks.
"In Africa, there's tons of them there," says the parrot.

 

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What do you do when your laptop gets wet? Put it in a bowl of rice, an Asian will show up and he'll fix it.

 

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How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They just beat the room for being black.

 

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What's the flattest surface you can iron your clothes on? An Asian girl's ass.

 

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How do you know a Chinese tried to rob your house? You get home and your maths homework is done, your computer is upgraded, your dog is missing and two hours later he's still trying to back out of your driveway.

 

------

 

A cop pulls over a car in the middle of the night:
— Sir, do you realize how badly your car was swerving between lanes?
— I've had 8 drinks, officer.
— That's no excuse to let your wife drive.

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KlIIUMlNATl
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#2145

Posted 4 weeks ago

Not a fan if racist jokes..

Why does 6 hate 7?

7 ate 9, but 9 is a hoe who always 69's 6.

RogerWho
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#2146

Posted 4 weeks ago

The Playboy magazine interviews an 80-year old man who's well known for being a womanizer and extremely popular with women.

 

They ask him, what's his secret, being such a stud in such an old age?

 

"I really have no idea," answers the old man and licks his eyebrow.

 

 

 

 

 

 

// I remembered this one after watching TAME IMPALA ‘The Less I Know The Better’ music video.


Street Mix
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#2147

Posted 3 weeks ago Edited by Street Mix, 3 weeks ago.

Why did America remove the "u" from "colour".

 

Because f**k u that's why.

 

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It was no good, the judge had made his mind up.

"Please, you don't understand. I have six children and a wife. I can't go back in there, it'll kill me," I pleaded.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Smith," the judge replied, "but you have served your time and you are now a free man."

 

----------

 

How many babies does it take to paint a house?

Depends on how hard you throw them.

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Street Mix
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#2148

Posted 2 weeks ago Edited by Street Mix, 2 weeks ago.

Why are Americans so good at olympic shooting?

They have the best schools for it.

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RogerWho
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#2149

Posted 2 weeks ago Edited by RogerWho, 2 weeks ago.

A guy in a wheelchair is crossing the train tracks and gets stuck. So he shouts towards the nearest house, hoping someone will hear him, but nobody is coming. The barriers are coming down, which means the train is coming. The guy now screams his lungs out but still nobody hears him. Eventually a drunk comes out of the house and shouts - "What's with all the screaming?"

The wheelchair guy looks to the side, sees the train just 100 meters away and says - "You know what, never mind... But watch this crash, it's gonna be f*cking epic!"

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Mister Pink
  • Mister Pink

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#2150

Posted A week ago

Jesus was definitely a black man...

 

Spoiler

 

My grandfather once told me, "Your generation is too reliant on technology."
So I replied, "No, your generation is too reliant on technology!"
Then I disconnected his life support.
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Neon_Dreaming
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#2151

Posted A week ago

A duck walks into a bar. And he says to the bartender "Got any grapes?" The bartender says "No, I dont have any grapes." The duck walks out, sorely disappointed.

So the next day, he walks back into the bar, asks the same question, gets the same answer.

The day after, he walks back into the bar, and again, asks the bartender, "Do you have any grapes?" The bartender, having still not figured out why this duck seems to think he may have some grapes, says to the duck, "No, and if you come back in here tomorrow and ask me if I have any grapes, I will nail your bill to the bar!"

The duck frowns, turns around, and walks out of the bar. So the next day, the duck walks back into the bar, and asks the bartender "Got any nails?"

The bartender says, "No."

So the duck says, "Got any grapes?"



''Knock Knock''

''Whos there?''

'' Doorbell Repair Man''
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Surak
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#2152

Posted A week ago

13934577_376732486000097_868890471699399

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Street Mix
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#2153

Posted A week ago Edited by Street Mix, A week ago.

The Somalian Olympics Team has just apologised to the Olympic Committee after realising that sailing and shooting were 2 separate events.

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Midnight Hitman
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#2154

Posted 3 days ago

How many black people do you need to start a riot?

Spoiler
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SprayPaintedCraniums
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#2155

Posted 3 days ago

What does a necrophile sing before he kisses a corpse?
Spoiler




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