1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
An Englishman, Irishman, Welshman, Scotsman were captured while fighting in a far-off foreign land, and the leader of the captors said, 'We're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish.'
The Englishman responds, 'I'd like to hear "God Save The Queen" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played by the London All Boys Choir. With Morris Dancers Dancing to the tune.'
The Irishman replies, 'I'd like to hear "Danny Boy" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, sung in the style of Daniel O'Donnell, with Riverdance dancers skipping gaily to the tune.'
The Welshman answers, 'I'd like to hear "Men Of Harlech" just one more time to remind me of the country, sung as if by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir.'
The Scotsman says quickly, 'I'd like to be shot first.'
Why do cows have bells.
Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head?
Did you hear what the English, the Irish and the Scots did when they heard the world was coming to an end?
• There are four kinds of people in the UK :
i. First, there were the Scots who kept the Sabbath - and everything else they could lay their hands on;
ii. Then there were the Welsh - who prayed on their knees and their neighbours;
iii. Thirdly there were the Irish who never knew what they wanted - but were willing to fight for it anyway.
iv. Lastly there were the English who considered themselves self-made men, thus relieving the Almighty of a terrible responsibility.