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The Joke Thread

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NumaYay
  • NumaYay

    Rat

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#1741

Posted 2 weeks ago

What's a nigga doing at the farm?

 

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Street Mix
  • Street Mix

    Boss

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#1742

Posted 2 weeks ago

I'll never forgive the Nazis for how they treated my grandad in that concentration camp during the war.

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DrAnomalous
  • DrAnomalous

    Disfavored Veracity

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#1743

Posted 2 weeks ago

I'll never forgive the Nazis for how they treated my grandad in that concentration camp during the war.

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rab.gif

lil weasel
  • lil weasel

    Shoot Looters, Hang Pirates!

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#1744

Posted 2 weeks ago

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

An Englishman, Irishman, Welshman, Scotsman were captured while fighting in a far-off foreign land, and the leader of the captors said, 'We're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish.'
The Englishman responds, 'I'd like to hear "God Save The Queen" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played by the London All Boys Choir. With Morris Dancers Dancing to the tune.'
The Irishman replies, 'I'd like to hear "Danny Boy" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, sung in the style of Daniel O'Donnell, with Riverdance dancers skipping gaily to the tune.'
The Welshman answers, 'I'd like to hear "Men Of Harlech" just one more time to remind me of the country, sung as if by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir.'
The Scotsman says quickly, 'I'd like to be shot first.'

Why do cows have bells.
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Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head?
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Did you hear what the English, the Irish and the Scots did when they heard the world was coming to an end?
The English
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The Irish
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And
the Scots
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• There are four kinds of people in the UK :
i. First, there were the Scots who kept the Sabbath - and everything else they could lay their hands on;
ii. Then there were the Welsh - who prayed on their knees and their neighbours;
iii. Thirdly there were the Irish who never knew what they wanted - but were willing to fight for it anyway.
iv. Lastly there were the English who considered themselves self-made men, thus relieving the Almighty of a terrible responsibility.
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PhillBellic
  • PhillBellic

    Lt Phill Bellic. Law Enforcement Enthusiast.

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#1745

Posted A week ago

Truck carrying fruit crashes on the freeway. Creates jam.

 

*ba, dum, tshh*

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Sikee Atric
  • Sikee Atric

    Owner Of The Bay Bar, Paleto Bay. Locals Only!

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#1746

Posted A week ago

A woman is like a piano,

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I even got a 70's classic from Led Dawson....

I've just been to the mother-in-law's funeral,

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  • Black_MiD likes this

lil weasel
  • lil weasel

    Shoot Looters, Hang Pirates!

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#1747

Posted A week ago Edited by lil weasel, A week ago.

What's worse than raining cats and dogs?
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Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
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Did you hear about the cat that drank 5 bowls of water?
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What does a cat do when it gets mad?
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Early Warning Signs
When you’re playing the piano, you frequently lose your grip on the bow.
You’re absolutely convinced nostalgia is a thing of the past.
You purchase season tickets to the Super Bowl.
You’ve caught yourself waving “Goodbye” instead of “Hello” when answering the telephone.
You put a higher antenna on your mailbox in an attempt to receive mail from farther away.
You fret over the fact that they never mention the hurricane’s last name.
You find yourself wondering what branch of the military Captain Kangaroo was in.
People repeat everything they say to you because you look way too stupid to grasp things the first time around.
People repeat everything they say to you because you look way too stupid to grasp things the first time around.

DrAnomalous
  • DrAnomalous

    Disfavored Veracity

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#1748

Posted A week ago Edited by DrAnomalous, A week ago.

A plane is going down over the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. Passengers are panicking and freaking out. A woman stands up in the middle of the aisle. She tears off her shirt frantically and yells out, "before I die I want to feel like woman one last time, oh is there any man willing to make me feel like a woman?!"

 

A man near the rear of the plane unbuckles his safety belt, stands up, takes off his shirt and says, "here iron my shirt".   

  • maxpaynefan likes this

PhillBellic
  • PhillBellic

    Lt Phill Bellic. Law Enforcement Enthusiast.

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#1749

Posted A week ago

What's orange and sounds like a Parrot?

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