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The Joke Thread

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RedIndianRobin
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#1681

Posted 3 weeks ago Edited by RedIndianRobin, 3 weeks ago.

A German guy asked a Brazilian guy, "How many days are there in a week?"

 

The Brazilian slapped him. 

 

True soccer fans will know why he slapped the German guy. 

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lil weasel
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#1682

Posted 2 weeks ago

Why was the Cookie crying?

Spoiler

 

Why did the cookie go to the doctor's office?

Spoiler

 

How can you tell that a blonde has been baking chocolate chip cookies?
Spoiler


Why do basketball players love cookies?
Spoiler
 
 

DrAnomalous
  • DrAnomalous

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#1683

Posted 2 weeks ago

What's the difference between a gay dude and a hunting dog?
 

Spoiler

 

How do you ditch a Jew cop?

 

Spoiler

 

How about the Polish guy who was jerking off at the restaurant because the sign said "first come, first served".

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PhillBellic
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#1684

Posted 2 weeks ago

What do you call ten rabbits marching backwards?

 

Spoiler
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MarQs
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#1685

Posted A week ago

A catholic school teacher was teaching a lesson one morning and asked his students where Jesus was.

"Yes Susie" he said as he called on Susie whose hand was raised. "He's in heaven!" She shouted with pride.

He called on Steven who said "He was in his heart"

The only boy left with his hand raised with had the most unusual answer "He's in my bathroom!"

Everyone had a puzzled look on his/her face.

"Yeah!" Said the boy.. "My father bangs on the door every morning saying 'Jesus Christ, ya still in there?" 

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DrAnomalous
  • DrAnomalous

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#1686

Posted A week ago Edited by DrAnomalous, A week ago.

Johnny and Timothy are at a bar getting drunk. Johnny says, "You know why I drink so much? Because my wife is ugly."

 

Timothy says, "Yeah? You think your wife's ugly? You should see my wife. She a fxckin pig."

 

They keep going back in forth about who's wife is uglier, finally they realize the only way they can settle it -- is to see both of the women. So they go to Johnny's house, knock on the door,and his wife answers. 

 

Timothy says, "Oh fxck you got a point there man. That's the kind of face that has to sneak up on mirrors. But we still gotta see my wife"

 

When they get to Timothy's house, they go into the living room, he pushes the couch, the chairs, and the table up against the wall, and then rolls up the rug. In the middle of the floor there's a huge trap door.

 

He lifts it open and yells down, "Hey, Samantha! Come on up here!"

 

Shes says, "All right. Should I put the bag over my head?"

 

He says "No, I don't want to fxck you. I just want to show you off."

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Ari Gold
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#1687

Posted A week ago


lil weasel
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#1688

Posted 5 days ago Edited by lil weasel, 5 days ago.

Old chemists never die, they just stop reacting

What is the chemical formula for a banana?
Spoiler


What should do you do with a dead Chemist?
Spoiler


What did one charged atom say to the other?
Spoiler


Why do chemists enjoy working with ammonia?
Spoiler


What is the name of agent 007's Eskimo cousin?
Spoiler


Q: Why do chemists call helium, curium and barium the medical elements?
A: Because
Spoiler


What element is a girl's future best friend?
Spoiler


What did the chemist say when he found two isotopes of helium?
Spoiler


A neutron walks into a shop and says,"I"d like a coke."
The shopkeeper serves up the coke.
"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
The shopkeeper replies,
Spoiler


A proton and a neutron were walking down the street.
The proton says, "Stop, I dropped an electron. Help me look for it."
The neutron asks, "Are you sure?"
The proton replies,
Spoiler
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Black_MiD
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#1689

Posted 4 days ago

I was looking for a good chemistry pun to contribute, but it seems all the good ones argon.
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DrAnomalous
  • DrAnomalous

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#1690

Posted 3 days ago Edited by DrAnomalous, 3 days ago.

The director of the CIA is testing three new agents, ages 22, 33, and 42. He puts each of their wives in one of three rooms.

 

He hands the 22 year old a Beretta M9A1 and says, "Alright go into that room and kill your wife".

 

The 22 year old says, "No I can't do it. I love her too much."

 

The director hands the pistol to the 33 year old and says, "Alright you get in that room there and shoot your wife."

 

The 33 year old goes into the room and comes back out after 5 minutes and says, "I tried but I just can't do it."

 

The director then goes to the 42 year old recruit and says, "Ok you're up, go in there and kill your wife."

 

This 42 year old man goes into the room. Several shots are fired and then scuffling and fighting can be heard coming from the room. The director looks puzzled and runs immediately into the room. He sees the wife dead on the floor.

 

He says, "God almighty! What the hell happened?" 

 

While trying to catch his breath the 42 year old man says, "Yeah I dunno exactly *pants* some asshole must of put blanks in the gun, so I had to choke her to death."

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lil weasel
  • lil weasel

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#1691

Posted 3 days ago





A member of the United States Senate, known for his hot temper and acid tongue, exploded one day in mid-session and began to shout, "Half of this Senate is made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"
All the other Senators demanded that the angry member withdraw his statement, or be removed from the remainder of the session.
After a long pause, the angry member acquiesced. "OK," he said,
Spoiler


Little Billy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush.
The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send Billy a $5.00 bill.
President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
Billy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:
Dear God,
Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those crooks deducted $95.00.
Thanks,
Billy

Three Blondes at the Pearly Gates
Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of Heaven.
St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question.
St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?"
The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful."
"Wrong!," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question,
"What is Easter?"
The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."
St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust,tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde. He asks, "What is Easter?"
The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is."
"Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously.
"Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder."
St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.
The third blonde continues, "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out... and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter.
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jatiger13
  • jatiger13

    this is fun

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#1692

Posted A day ago Edited by jatiger13, A day ago.

A black man becomes a father
Spoiler
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Black_MiD
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#1693

Posted 17 hours ago Edited by Black_MiD, 16 hours ago.

To follow up on the joke above:

What's the difference between a black man and an elevator?

Spoiler



Khrushchev visited a pig farm and was photographed there. In the newspaper office, a discussion is underway about how to caption the picture. "Comrade Khrushchev among pigs," "Comrade Khrushchev and pigs," and "Pigs surround comrade Khrushchev" are all rejected. Finally, the editor announces his decision: "Third from left – comrade Khrushchev



Bonus joke: What do you call a flying Jew?
Spoiler

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universetwisters
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#1694

Posted 16 hours ago

How many Alzheimer patients does it take to change a lightbulb?

To get to the other side.

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Black_MiD
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#1695

Posted 16 hours ago

What is amnesia? Is it

a) Memory loss
b) Memory loss
5. The Battle of Stalingrad

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