Quantcast

Jump to content

» «
Photo

The Joke Thread

1,583 replies to this topic
PhillBellic
  • PhillBellic

    Lt Phill Bellic. Law Enforcement Enthusiast.

  • Members
  • Joined: 03 Jul 2012
  • Australia

#1561

Posted 2 weeks ago

This man;

 

Abbott-carbon.jpg

 

Enough said.

  • Black_MiD likes this

Black_MiD
  • Black_MiD

    Take these sunken eyes and learn to see

  • Members
  • Joined: 29 Nov 2014
  • Portugal

#1562

Posted 2 weeks ago

^What's up with his jaw?


Hocko1999_fgc
  • Hocko1999_fgc

    brandy cereal

  • Members
  • Joined: 02 Oct 2014
  • Australia

#1563

Posted 2 weeks ago

This man;
 
Abbott-carbon.jpg
 
Enough said.


Damn monkey-man Abbott.

Potato_Smuggler
  • Potato_Smuggler

    Smuggler Of Potatoes

  • Members
  • Joined: 23 Nov 2014
  • United-States

#1564

Posted 2 weeks ago

This man;
 
Abbott-carbon.jpg
 
Enough said.

Damn monkey-man Abbott.
That's racist! ! :(

Hocko1999_fgc
  • Hocko1999_fgc

    brandy cereal

  • Members
  • Joined: 02 Oct 2014
  • Australia

#1565

Posted 2 weeks ago

How did the intruder break into the house?
Spoiler
  • Palikari and Black_MiD like this

ajdude1
  • ajdude1

    Gangsta

  • Members
  • Joined: 17 Feb 2014
  • United-States

#1566

Posted 2 weeks ago

A guy driving on the highway gets pulled over by a traffic cop. The policeman approaches the car and asks, "Have you been drinking, sir?" The man snorts and replies, "Why, is there a fat chick in my car?"

  • visionist, Troubadour, ///// and 2 others like this

Hocko1999_fgc
  • Hocko1999_fgc

    brandy cereal

  • Members
  • Joined: 02 Oct 2014
  • Australia

#1567

Posted 2 weeks ago

This man;
 Abbott-carbon.jpg
 
Enough said.

Damn monkey-man Abbott.
That's racist! ! :(
How
What is 'ET' short for?
Spoiler

Potato_Smuggler
  • Potato_Smuggler

    Smuggler Of Potatoes

  • Members
  • Joined: 23 Nov 2014
  • United-States

#1568

Posted 2 weeks ago

This man;
 Abbott-carbon.jpg
 
Enough said.

Damn monkey-man Abbott.
That's racist! ! :(
How
What is 'ET' short for?
Spoiler
I don't how it's racist, but you asking how makes its racist makes sexist! Some people. SMH.
JK
  • Hocko1999_fgc likes this

universetwisters
  • universetwisters

    Ich liebe dich alle.

  • Members
  • Joined: 26 Feb 2011
  • United-States

#1569

Posted A week ago

What's the difference between a golf ball and a Cadillac?


Spoiler


TECHN9CiAN
  • TECHN9CiAN

    I can taste colors and smell sounds, bruh

  • Members
  • Joined: 03 Nov 2008
  • United-States

#1570

Posted A week ago

I was sitting on the bus this morning, opposite of a really sexy Thai girl.

I thought to myself "please dont get an erection. Pleae dont get an erection".

But she did.
  • Crokey, W2B, MarshalMoo and 4 others like this

stu
  • stu

    Ya filthy animal.

  • Andolini Mafia Family
  • Joined: 22 Feb 2011
  • United-Kingdom
  • Funniest Member 2013
    Funniest Member 2012

#1571

Posted A week ago

Damn that Medusa is so hot.

 

Every time I look at her I get rock hard.

  • Crokey, Failure, TECHN9CiAN and 7 others like this

TECHN9CiAN
  • TECHN9CiAN

    I can taste colors and smell sounds, bruh

  • Members
  • Joined: 03 Nov 2008
  • United-States

#1572

Posted A week ago

Damn that Medusa is so hot.
 
Every time I look at her I get rock hard.


Whoa, that quote has all you need for a good pick up line :p

ajdude1
  • ajdude1

    Gangsta

  • Members
  • Joined: 17 Feb 2014
  • United-States

#1573

Posted A week ago

A woman goes to a sex shop to try to spice up her love life with her husband. The proprietor offers her a Couples Sex Guide: Female Edition for $10 and a Couples Sex Guide: Male Edition for $5.

"What's the difference?" the woman asks, puzzled. 

"They are identical," he replies, "Except that the male edition suddenly finishes just when it starts getting good."

  • TECHN9CiAN, Th3MaN1 and Troubadour like this

lil weasel
  • lil weasel

    Shoot Looters, Hang Pirates!

  • Members
  • Joined: 25 Dec 2006
  • United-States
  • Contribution Award [San Andreas]

#1574

Posted 6 days ago Edited by lil weasel, 6 days ago.

Friend: Hi, how's things going.

Host: Fine, Fine.

Friend: What's with the tarp in corner.

Host: Oh, that's Ralph.

Friend: Why is he under the tarp.

Host: He said,

Spoiler


Palikari
  • Palikari

    עם ישראל חי

  • Members
  • Joined: 25 Aug 2012
  • Israel

#1575

Posted 5 days ago

Karl Marx was resurrected and came to the USSR. He was shown factories, hospitals, cities and villages, etc. Finally, he requested to be allowed to make a speech on TV. The Politburo hesitated as they were afraid he might say something they wouldn't approve. Marx promised he would say only one sentence. Under this condition, the Politburo agreed. Karl Marx uttered the following sentence: "Workers of all countries, forgive me."

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Erich Honecker is on a diplomatic mission in Austria. Various government ministers of the GDR and Austria are introduced. Finally, a man is introduced as the Minister of the Austrian Navy. Honecker bursts out laughing: "But you have no coastline!" The Austrians are offended. "We were very polite when the GDR's Minister of Trade was introduced!"

 

Erich Honecker dies and knocks on the Heaven Gates. God tells him to go to hell. One year later, two devils show up and knock. “You’d better go back where you came from,” God tells them. “No, you don’t understand,” they protest. “We’re the first refugees!”

 

Erich Honecker receives a gold watch for his birthday that he is very fond of. He even keeps it under his pillow when he goes to bed. One day, while at the office, Erich realizes that he is missing his watch. In a panic, he calls Erich Mielke (the head of the Stasi) and tells him that someone has stolen his watch. Later, he realizes he left it under his pillow, and being relieved, calls Mielke to tell him to cancel the investigation. Mielke responds "Too late, we've arrested three suspects and they've confessed everything!"


Zook
  • Zook

    Banter

  • Members
  • Joined: 08 Nov 2008
  • United-Kingdom

#1576

Posted 5 days ago Edited by Zook, 5 days ago.

Karl Marx was resurrected and came to the USSR. He was shown factories, hospitals, cities and villages, etc. Finally, he requested to be allowed to make a speech on TV. The Politburo hesitated as they were afraid he might say something they wouldn't approve. Marx promised he would say only one sentence. Under this condition, the Politburo agreed. Karl Marx uttered the following sentence: "Workers of all countries, forgive me."

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Erich Honecker is on a diplomatic mission in Austria. Various government ministers of the GDR and Austria are introduced. Finally, a man is introduced as the Minister of the Austrian Navy. Honecker bursts out laughing: "But you have no coastline!" The Austrians are offended. "We were very polite when the GDR's Minister of Trade was introduced!"

 

Erich Honecker dies and knocks on the Heaven Gates. God tells him to go to hell. One year later, two devils show up and knock. “You’d better go back where you came from,” God tells them. “No, you don’t understand,” they protest. “We’re the first refugees!”

 

Erich Honecker receives a gold watch for his birthday that he is very fond of. He even keeps it under his pillow when he goes to bed. One day, while at the office, Erich realizes that he is missing his watch. In a panic, he calls Erich Mielke (the head of the Stasi) and tells him that someone has stolen his watch. Later, he realizes he left it under his pillow, and being relieved, calls Mielke to tell him to cancel the investigation. Mielke responds "Too late, we've arrested three suspects and they've confessed everything!"

Why do you feel the need to push your political ideology every chance you get? Those jokes are so sh*t; if you need to link to a Wikipedia article and make use of brackets to help explain the joke, it is not a good joke. 
 

I've recently discovered Anthony Jeselnik he is too funny.

 

I just read the biography of the man who invented Super Mario Brothers. Did you know when he was a kid people used to laugh at him when he would kill turtles with a hammer.

 

When I finished high school I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. But my mom said no. See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was younger. And I could just have his motorcycle.

 

The jokes above don't really do him justice, his delivery makes it much funnier.

 

 


 

  • Yolo Swaggins, universetwisters and Black_MiD like this

richard1997jones
  • richard1997jones

    Soldier

  • Members
  • Joined: 02 Dec 2012
  • None

#1577

Posted 5 days ago

a man walks into a bar, and asks for some helicopter crisps.
'Sorry', the bartender replys, 'we only have plane'
dozingoff.gif

Haha. I like that one.


Troubadour
  • Troubadour

    Tequlia Makes Her Clothes Fall Off

  • Members
  • Joined: 17 Oct 2013
  • North-Korea

#1578

Posted 5 days ago

What did the one woman say to the other?

 

Spoiler


Palikari
  • Palikari

    עם ישראל חי

  • Members
  • Joined: 25 Aug 2012
  • Israel

#1579

Posted 5 days ago

Why do you feel the need to push your political ideology every chance you get? Those jokes are so sh*t; if you need to link to a Wikipedia article and make use of brackets to help explain the joke, it is not a good joke.


I'm not pushing my political ideology, these are just some JOKES! Don't you have sense of humor? This is humor, not politics. Just laugh.

Sorry, I am not to blame for the fact that this world is full of ignorants who don't know who Erich Honecker and/or Erich Mielke were.


BrownBear
  • BrownBear

    Dr. Green Thumb.

  • Members
  • Joined: 05 Jul 2009
  • United-Kingdom

#1580

Posted 5 days ago

I've been learning Israeli martial arts, I now know 50 ways to kick a Palestinian woman in the back.

  • Zook, universetwisters and Special Members like this

lil weasel
  • lil weasel

    Shoot Looters, Hang Pirates!

  • Members
  • Joined: 25 Dec 2006
  • United-States
  • Contribution Award [San Andreas]

#1581

Posted 5 days ago

A Priest, a Rabbi, and a Southern Baptist walk into a bar.

Spoiler

  • universetwisters and Black_MiD like this

Zook
  • Zook

    Banter

  • Members
  • Joined: 08 Nov 2008
  • United-Kingdom

#1582

Posted 4 days ago

 

Why do you feel the need to push your political ideology every chance you get? Those jokes are so sh*t; if you need to link to a Wikipedia article and make use of brackets to help explain the joke, it is not a good joke.


I'm not pushing my political ideology, these are just some JOKES! Don't you have sense of humor? This is humor, not politics. Just laugh.

Sorry, I am not to blame for the fact that this world is full of ignorants who don't know who Erich Honecker and/or Erich Mielke were.

 

Could you explain the Marx one to me? It's either not a joke or I'm just really dense and don't understand it. 

 

You need to know your audience that joke might go down well at a 20th century historian convention, but not on a forum dedicated to Grand Theft Auto.


mr toasterbutt
  • mr toasterbutt

    Shy Guy

  • Members
  • Joined: 14 May 2014
  • United-States

#1583

Posted 2 days ago

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

  • ajdude1 and Black_MiD like this

universetwisters
  • universetwisters

    Ich liebe dich alle.

  • Members
  • Joined: 26 Feb 2011
  • United-States

#1584

Posted 2 days ago

What's the difference between a Mercedes and a Porcupine?

Pricks are located outside the Porcupine.

  • maxpaynefan and Black_MiD like this




1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users