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The Joke Thread

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The Harwood Bitcher
  • The Harwood Bitcher

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#1501

Posted 4 weeks ago Edited by The Harwood Bitcher, 4 weeks ago.

What's the difference between babies and sand?
I don't eat sand

Life is like a box of chocolates, it dosen't last as much for fat people

Two dudes are walking the street and see something on the floor:
-What is that?
-i think is chocolate
-it's jelly
They eat some of it and try to determine what is it
-it's peanut butter?
-no, must be jelly
A woman pass by them and asks:
-What you doin with that piece of sh*t?
-it's sh*t!!! Gross! Thank god why didn't step on it


A kid enters a hardware store and asks :
-you got candy?
- no, i don't sell candy,
later the same kid enters again
,You got candy?
- no kid, i don't
This happens during all the day and the clerk is visibly angry, the kid enters and asks again :
-you got candy now?
-NO!!! I don' sell candy and if you ask again i gonna nail your foot to the ground ,you little sh*t!!.
The kid exits the store, some time passes until he enters again and asks:
-you got nails?
-no , im out of nails
- you got candy?
  • nobum62 likes this

El Tigre chino
  • El Tigre chino

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#1502

Posted 3 weeks ago

A man cheats on his girlfriend Lorraine with a woman named Clearly.

Lorraine dies suddenly.

At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone."

  • lil weasel likes this

lil weasel
  • lil weasel

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#1503

Posted 3 weeks ago

Morris gets a new dog and can't wait to show him off to his neighbor. So when the neighbor comes over, the guy calls the dog into the house, bragging about how smart he is. The dog quickly comes running and stands looking up at his master, tail wagging furiously, mouth open, tongue hanging out, eyes bright with anticipation.

Morris points to the newspaper on the couch and commands, "FETCH!"

Immediately, the dog climbs onto the couch and sits down. His tail wagging stops and the doggie-smile disappears. Looking balefully up at his master, he says in a whiny voice.........."You think this is easy wagging my tail all the time? Oy! It hurts from so much wagging! And you think that designer dog food you're feeding me is good? You try it. It's dreck! Too salty! And what do you care? You just push me out the door to take a squirt twice a day. I can't even remember the last time you took me out for a good walk,"

The neighbor is amazed. "What the hell is that? Your dog is sitting there talking!!"

"Oh, I know", explains the dog owner, "He's young, and I'm still training him. He thought I said KVETCH!

Bessie_23
  • Bessie_23

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#1504

Posted 3 weeks ago

My husband has this favorite joke of his which he goes around telling everybody: World's shortest joke - 2 women were sitting quietly...


W2B
  • W2B

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#1505

Posted 3 weeks ago

I was at the bank today; there was a short line.

There was just one person in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to
exchange yen for dollars.

It was obvious she was a little irritated. . .She asked the teller, "Why it
change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat
eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"
  • Crokey, EZza2647 and The Harwood Bitcher like this

lil weasel
  • lil weasel

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#1506

Posted 3 weeks ago Edited by lil weasel, 3 weeks ago.

CLASSIFIED AD MANAGER—”Your advertisement begins: ‘Wanted: Silent Partner.’”

ADVERTISER—”Yes, that’s right.”

CLASSIFIED AD MANAGER—”Do you want this placed under Business Opportunities or Matrimony?”
_______________________________________________________________________
Burton Holmes, the lecturer, had an interesting experience, while in London. He told some Washington friends a day or two ago that when he visited the theater where he was to deliver his travelogue he decided that the entrance to the theater was rather dingy and that there should be more display of his attraction.

Accordingly, he suggested to the manager of the house that the front be brightened up at night by electrical signs, one row of lights spelling his name “Burton” and another row of lights spelling the name “Holmes.”

The manager told him it was too much of an innovation for him to authorize and referred him to the owner of the theater. Mr. Holmes traveled several hours into the country to consult with the owner, who referred him to his agent in the city. The agent in turn sent Mr. Holmes to the janitor of the theater.

“I talked with the janitor and explained my plan to him for about an hour,” Mr. Holmes said. “Finally, after we had gone into every detail of the cost and everything else, the janitor told me that the theater was a very exclusive and high class theater, and that he would not put up the sign. I asked him why?”

“Because it would attract too much attention to the theater,” the janitor replied.
_______________________________________________________________________
“I won’t pay one cent for my advertising this week,” declared the store-keeper angrily to the editor of the country paper. “You told me you’d put the notice of my shoe-polish in with the reading-matter.”

“And didn’t I do it?” inquired the editor.

“No, sir!” roared the advertiser. “No, sir, you did not! You put it in the column with a mess of poetry, that’s where you put it!”

universetwisters
  • universetwisters

    THIS ONE GOES OUT TO ALL THE RAVERS IN THE NATION.

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#1507

Posted A week ago

How do you castrate a redneck?

Kick his sister in the jaw

EphemeralStar
  • EphemeralStar

    おっぱい

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#1508

Posted A week ago

When I become a mom I shall say this to my child: 

"How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?" "Ten-tickles" and then proceed to tickle them. Ehehehehehehe. It'll be funny. 

  • Crokey likes this

W2B
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#1509

Posted A week ago

I was in a bar last Saturday night when this really brutally ugly girl came up to me, squeezed my butt and said "Give me your number, sexy!" I replied "Have you got a pen?" She smiled and said Yes. I replied "Well you better get back to it before the farmer notices you're missing"
  • Crokey, Yolo Swaggins, EphemeralStar and 1 other like this

lil weasel
  • lil weasel

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#1510

Posted A week ago


<knock> <knock>
Obama, “Who’s There?”
CDC “Ebola”
Obama, “Come on in.”

Obama is sending 2000 troops to help with the war on Ebola… does he know what he’s fighting?
  • universetwisters likes this

ролики1
  • ролики1

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#1511

Posted A week ago

I am sorry, that I interrupt you, I too would like to express the opinion. à

W2B
  • W2B

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#1512

Posted A week ago

The people in Dubai don't like The Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi do..



(Arrived at work and found this lame joke. Made me laugh)
  • Crokey likes this

lil weasel
  • lil weasel

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#1513

Posted A week ago Edited by lil weasel, A week ago.

The universe’s greatest thief had his eye on stealing the most precious item in a mad emperor’s guarded home library..
But, this insane Emperor Alec who thought of himself as to be the reincarnation of an olde English Actor was having every tome from all over his universe converted into vinyl platters for his own wicked pleasures with his favorite in gold to be stored on his special planet set aside for the library.
Well, after many years of planning the thief finally did successfully break into the

Spoiler





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