The Joke Thread
Posted 03 June 2014 - 02:47 PM Edited by Nowdrivefaster, 03 June 2014 - 02:48 PM.
Nick tried to discover an appropriate birthday present to her wife, Alicia. He didn't discover anything good enough, so he decided to ask Alicia some tips. Alicia said: "Just leave something in front of the garage that accelerates from 0 to 100 in just 10 seconds and I'll be totally happy."
When Alicia went outside their house in her birthday Morning, she found a weighing scale in front of the garage.
Nick got out from ICU in six months.
(P.S. 100 kilos is nearly the same than 200 pounds).
Posted 05 June 2014 - 06:25 PM
How was the Vet not startled by the dead frog during the necropsy?
Posted 05 June 2014 - 06:36 PM
Two cells are in a snowstorm. One cell said to another are your hands cold?
No, but Mitosis.
Posted 11 July 2014 - 12:55 AM
What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A romin catholic.
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Posted 12 July 2014 - 07:05 AM
To which the young man replied,
Boss to elderly employee, "You've been here for twenty-five years with never a complaint, never a sick day, and always have been loyal. How does a new car sound to you?"
To which the Employee replied,
What's an Amish woman's favourite sexual fantasy?
Posted 12 July 2014 - 07:24 AM
What do you call a nun with free internet?
A roaming catholic.
Posted 15 July 2014 - 03:30 AM Edited by AiraCobra, 15 July 2014 - 03:31 AM.
Posted 17 July 2014 - 02:43 AM
many users on this forum (i may or may not be included ofc)
Posted 18 July 2014 - 10:38 PM
What is the hardest part about rollerblading?
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Posted 18 July 2014 - 11:41 PM Edited by Palikari, 19 July 2014 - 12:08 AM.
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Posted 17 August 2014 - 08:38 PM
"Excuse me sir, may I have tomorrow off from work? My daughter is in labor and I'd like to be there for the birth of my grandson".
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Posted 17 August 2014 - 10:50 PM Edited by W2B, 17 August 2014 - 10:59 PM.
"Congratulations," she says. "It's a healthy baby girl." As she says this, she accidentally drops the baby, which promptly lands right on its squishy noggin.
"My baby!" screams the mother.
"Don't worry, I'll get it!" smiles the nurse.
However, she unfortunately stumbles and places her foot right on the baby's face, before accidentally kicking it across the room. It hits the wall with a sickening crack before the nurse runs over to it, peels it off the floor and throws it out of the window.
"What are you doing?!" yells the mother.
"April Fools!" replies the nurse. "It was already dead!"
Also, this is an old joke, but it still makes me chuckle:
The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.
The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a demonstration?" The auditor thinks for a moment and says, "Okay Go ahead."
Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."
The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."
Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops. Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."
The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand beside one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, resulting in him urinating all over the desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss in to a huge win, but Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.
"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."
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Posted 17 August 2014 - 11:40 PM
Billy: *Runs up to his room*. As he does so, he explodes in excitement and takes out Call Of Duty: Ghosts from his Xbox. He rushes and takes the GTA V case, takes out the disk and puts it in. As he does, he starts up GTA online. He goes around shooting and killing people for no reason and laughs as he pisses on his own pants. Billy says ''YEAAAAAHHHHHHH ORGASSSMMMM'' (With a squeaker voice)
As he does so, he goes to GTA forums. Only to get mad and pisse off because people say that GTA V is good. He rages with strange words and blurs out stupid things that CJ is the best protagonist of all time and that San andreas is the best GTA game... In the end: he gets banned from GTAforums and rages so hard that he is put in a menal hospital. The end
Note: this is 99% of the people who play GTA Online (kids mostly)
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Posted 18 August 2014 - 03:51 AM Edited by Palikari, 18 August 2014 - 03:52 AM.
"Then why are you crying?"
In a small village in the Poland, a terrifying rumor was spreading: a Christian girl had been found murdered.
Fearing retaliation, the Jewish community gathered in the synagogue to plan whatever defensive actions were possible under the circumstances.
Just as the emergency meeting was being called to order, in ran the president of the synagogue, out of breath and all excited. "Brothers," he cried out, "I have wonderful news! The murdered girl is Jewish!"
A poor man walking in the forest feels close enough to God to ask, "God, what is a million years to you?"
God replies, "My son, a million years to you is like a second to me."
The man asks, "God, what is a million dollars to you?"
God replies, "My son, a million dollars to you is less than a penny to me. It means almost nothing to me."
The man asks, "So God, can I have a million dollars?"
And God replies, "In a second."
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Posted 19 August 2014 - 12:02 PM
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Posted 20 August 2014 - 01:49 AM
My First Condom:
I recall my first time with a condom. I was 14. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at Parchen's pharmacy. In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the young lady (I think her name was Nola) knew what they were for.
She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.
I honestly answered, 'No, not really.'
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure
I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty. It was. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'
So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she asked. I said, 'sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.
Then she beat the sh*t out of me....
Women have always been hard for me to figure out.
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Posted 23 August 2014 - 04:14 PM
Nowadays these 16 years old girls have cell phones…
I’m like, “When are you gonna get rid of those barces?”
And she’s like, “I need them to walk…”
I spent four years in college for nothing.
It was really my own fault. ‘Cause I had a double major in psychology and reverese psychology.
You ever experience a weird phantom vibration feeling. Kinda feels like your cell phone is ringing but in reality you are just having a stroke?
the past, the present and the future walk into a bar. It was tense.
Posted 23 August 2014 - 04:23 PM
None of them are good drivers
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Posted 13 September 2014 - 08:01 PM
Guess why the bottom is cut off?
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Posted 14 September 2014 - 12:53 AM
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Posted 20 September 2014 - 12:01 AM
Donald Rumsfeld briefed the President this morning. He told Bush that three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq. To everyone's amazement, all of the colour ran from Bush's face, then he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost whimpering. Finally, he composed himself and asked Rumsfeld, "Just exactly how many is a brazillion?"
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Posted 20 September 2014 - 12:06 AM
i asked my white friend if he wanted to shoot hoops, and he asked where that school was located
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