Quantcast

Jump to content

» «
Photo

The Joke Thread

1,532 replies to this topic
Eeshan
  • Eeshan

    Old timer.

  • Members
  • Joined: 18 Oct 2007
  • Bangladesh

#1471

Posted 03 June 2014 - 11:56 AM

Graduation speech:

Spoiler

  • lil weasel, johnny_zoo, Jimmy_Leppard and 6 others like this

Nowdrivefaster
  • Nowdrivefaster

    Obsessed with TBOGT

  • Members
  • Joined: 06 Feb 2014
  • Finland

#1472

Posted 03 June 2014 - 02:47 PM Edited by Nowdrivefaster, 03 June 2014 - 02:48 PM.

:D 

 

Nick tried to discover an appropriate birthday present to her wife, Alicia. He didn't discover anything good enough, so he decided to ask Alicia some tips. Alicia said: "Just leave something in front of the garage that accelerates from 0 to 100 in just 10 seconds and I'll be totally happy."

 

When Alicia went outside their house in her birthday Morning, she found a weighing scale in front of the garage.

 

Nick got out from ICU in six months.

 

(P.S. 100 kilos is nearly the same than 200 pounds).


Eminem!
  • Eminem!

    Mr Massacre

  • Members
  • Joined: 06 Oct 2013
  • None

#1473

Posted 05 June 2014 - 06:15 PM

What did the fish say to the frog

 

Marry my dick


lil weasel
  • lil weasel

    Shoot Looters, Hang Pirates!

  • Members
  • Joined: 25 Dec 2006
  • None
  • Contribution Award [San Andreas]

#1474

Posted 05 June 2014 - 06:25 PM

How was the Vet not startled by the dead frog during the necropsy?

Spoiler


johnny_zoo
  • johnny_zoo

    Aces!

  • Members
  • Joined: 15 Mar 2009
  • None

#1475

Posted 05 June 2014 - 06:36 PM

Two cells are in a snowstorm. One cell said to another are your hands cold?

 

No, but Mitosis.


SoftTouch
  • SoftTouch

    Lone Wolf

  • Members
  • Joined: 04 Dec 2013
  • Lithuania

#1476

Posted 05 June 2014 - 07:51 PM

Am I an idiot ?

Yes!

HAHAHAHAHA 

 

Spoiler


universetwisters
  • universetwisters

    Ich liebe dich.

  • Members
  • Joined: 26 Feb 2011
  • United-States

#1477

Posted 11 July 2014 - 12:50 AM

The church burnt down? Holy smokes!


nikolibrety
  • nikolibrety

    This is your life and it's ending one minute at a time

  • Members
  • Joined: 23 Jul 2012
  • None

#1478

Posted 11 July 2014 - 12:55 AM

What do you call a sleepwalking nun?

A romin catholic.

  • universetwisters, OneManCrimeWave and EZza2647 like this

lil weasel
  • lil weasel

    Shoot Looters, Hang Pirates!

  • Members
  • Joined: 25 Dec 2006
  • None
  • Contribution Award [San Andreas]

#1479

Posted 12 July 2014 - 07:05 AM

Out for a walk in the Forrest a young man found a suit case. He looked inside and saw a cat and four kittens. He called the animal controll officer to report the incident. The ACO asked, "Are they moving?"
To which the young man replied,
Spoiler

Boss to elderly employee, "You've been here for twenty-five years with never a complaint, never a sick day, and always have been loyal. How does a new car sound to you?"
To which the Employee replied,
Spoiler

What's an Amish woman's favourite sexual fantasy?
Spoiler

dillono
  • dillono

    That was so funny I forgot to laugh.

  • Members
  • Joined: 17 Jun 2014
  • United-States

#1480

Posted 12 July 2014 - 07:24 AM

What do you call a nun with free internet?

A roaming catholic.

FTFY


Troubadour
  • Troubadour

    OG

  • Members
  • Joined: 17 Oct 2013
  • North-Korea

#1481

Posted 15 July 2014 - 03:30 AM Edited by AiraCobra, 15 July 2014 - 03:31 AM.

How do you know Willie Nelson is a true stoner?
 
Spoiler

waymuu
  • waymuu

    Hey Larry check this out I can change my member title

  • Members
  • Joined: 06 Jul 2014
  • Martinique

#1482

Posted 17 July 2014 - 02:43 AM

many users on this forum (i may or may not be included ofc)


trip
  • trip

    ~

  • Andolini Mafia Family
  • Joined: 10 Oct 2007
  • United-States

#1483

Posted 18 July 2014 - 10:38 PM

What is the hardest part about rollerblading?

Spoiler

  • universetwisters, OneManCrimeWave and a20characterusername like this

universetwisters
  • universetwisters

    Ich liebe dich.

  • Members
  • Joined: 26 Feb 2011
  • United-States

#1484

Posted 18 July 2014 - 10:44 PM

An Irishman walks out of a bar.

  • Slave Boy, johnny_zoo, lazy. and 6 others like this

Palikari
  • Palikari

    עם ישראל חי

  • Members
  • Joined: 25 Aug 2012
  • Israel

#1485

Posted 18 July 2014 - 11:41 PM Edited by Palikari, 19 July 2014 - 12:08 AM.

An Arab man is walking in the desert and finds a lamp. He rubs it, and then a genie comes out and says: 
 
- I can grant you only one wish.
 
Then the Arab man shows him a map of the Middle East and says:
 
- "I want peace between all these countries". 
 
- Peace in the Middle East is impossible. Ask something rational.
- Ok, I want a new wife; a young and beautiful loving woman, with sense of humor, who likes sex, cleaning and cooking. I don't want her to be jealous, to care about money or to ask stupid questions. I also don't want her to love shopping.
- Ok... Let me see that map again.
  • Crokey, lil weasel, Yolo Swaggins and 5 others like this

universetwisters
  • universetwisters

    Ich liebe dich.

  • Members
  • Joined: 26 Feb 2011
  • United-States

#1486

Posted 17 August 2014 - 08:38 PM

"Excuse me sir, may I have tomorrow off from work? My daughter is in labor and I'd like to be there for the birth of my grandson".

 

neck.jpg

  • OneManCrimeWave and Jeone like this

W2B
  • W2B

  • Zaibatsu
  • Joined: 27 Mar 2013
  • South-Africa

#1487

Posted 17 August 2014 - 10:50 PM Edited by W2B, 17 August 2014 - 10:59 PM.

A woman gives birth, and a nurse takes the baby into an adjacent room to clean it up. She re-enters and approaches the mother, the babe wrapped up in a towel in her arms.

"Congratulations," she says. "It's a healthy baby girl." As she says this, she accidentally drops the baby, which promptly lands right on its squishy noggin.

"My baby!" screams the mother.

"Don't worry, I'll get it!" smiles the nurse.

However, she unfortunately stumbles and places her foot right on the baby's face, before accidentally kicking it across the room. It hits the wall with a sickening crack before the nurse runs over to it, peels it off the floor and throws it out of the window.

"What are you doing?!" yells the mother.

"April Fools!" replies the nurse. "It was already dead!"

-----------------------------------------

Also, this is an old joke, but it still makes me chuckle:

The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.

The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a demonstration?" The auditor thinks for a moment and says, "Okay Go ahead."

Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."

Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops. Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand beside one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, resulting in him urinating all over the desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss in to a huge win, but Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."
  • Crokey, K^2, Yolo Swaggins and 5 others like this

Phoenix_Poop
  • Phoenix_Poop

    Player hater or hater player, or what?

  • Members
  • Joined: 07 Oct 2013
  • Sweden

#1488

Posted 17 August 2014 - 11:40 PM

Billy: *Runs up to his room*. As he does so, he explodes in excitement and takes out Call Of Duty: Ghosts from his Xbox. He rushes and takes the GTA V case, takes out the disk and puts it in. As he does, he starts up GTA online. He goes around shooting and killing people for no reason and laughs as he pisses on his own pants. Billy says ''YEAAAAAHHHHHHH ORGASSSMMMM'' (With a squeaker voice)

 

 

 

As he does so, he goes to GTA forums. Only to get mad and pisse off because people say that GTA V is good. He rages with strange words and blurs out stupid things that CJ is the best protagonist of all time and that San andreas is the best GTA game... In the end: he gets banned from GTAforums and rages so hard that he is put in a menal hospital. The end

 

 

Note: this is 99% of the people who play GTA Online (kids mostly)

  • mareepx likes this

Palikari
  • Palikari

    עם ישראל חי

  • Members
  • Joined: 25 Aug 2012
  • Israel

#1489

Posted 18 August 2014 - 03:51 AM Edited by Palikari, 18 August 2014 - 03:52 AM.

At the funeral of the richest man in town, a stranger was say a woman crying very loudly. The stranger said, "Are you a relative of the deceased?"
"No."
"Then why are you crying?"
"That's why!"
-----------------------------------------------
In a small village in the Poland, a terrifying rumor was spreading: a Christian girl had been found murdered.
Fearing retaliation, the Jewish community gathered in the synagogue to plan whatever defensive actions were possible under the circumstances.

Just as the emergency meeting was being called to order, in ran the president of the synagogue, out of breath and all excited. "Brothers," he cried out, "I have wonderful news! The murdered girl is Jewish!"
-----------------------------------------------
A poor man walking in the forest feels close enough to God to ask, "God, what is a million years to you?"
God replies, "My son, a million years to you is like a second to me."
The man asks, "God, what is a million dollars to you?"
God replies, "My son, a million dollars to you is less than a penny to me. It means almost nothing to me."
The man asks, "So God, can I have a million dollars?"
And God replies, "In a second."
  • universetwisters and a20characterusername like this

Son of Zeus
  • Son of Zeus

    Grove4Life

  • Members
  • Joined: 30 Jun 2014
  • Australia

#1490

Posted 19 August 2014 - 12:02 PM

A duck walked into a bar. 'We don't serve ducks here, sir' said the bartender. 'That's all right. I just want to have a drink' said the duck.
  • lil weasel, Slave Boy and Palikari like this

Yolo Swaggins
  • Yolo Swaggins

    P.E.M.D.A.S.

  • Members
  • Joined: 25 Mar 2008
  • United-States

#1491

Posted 20 August 2014 - 01:49 AM

My First Condom:

I recall my first time with a condom. I was 14. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at Parchen's pharmacy. In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the young lady (I think her name was Nola) knew what they were for.

She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.

I honestly answered, 'No, not really.'

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure

I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty. It was. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she asked. I said, 'sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.

Then she beat the sh*t out of me....

Women have always been hard for me to figure out.

  • TJGM, EyeMacHunt, PaletoChickenCapo and 2 others like this

dillono
  • dillono

    That was so funny I forgot to laugh.

  • Members
  • Joined: 17 Jun 2014
  • United-States

#1492

Posted 23 August 2014 - 10:04 AM

Bananas are like reverse-stop lights.

 

Yellow means Go

 

Green means Stop

 

Red means where the hell did you get that f*cking banana?

  • OneManCrimeWave, nobum62, BlackAce23 and 1 other like this

lil weasel
  • lil weasel

    Shoot Looters, Hang Pirates!

  • Members
  • Joined: 25 Dec 2006
  • None
  • Contribution Award [San Andreas]

#1493

Posted 23 August 2014 - 04:14 PM

Dating’s different. When I was young, you had to call a girl’s home phone.
Nowadays these 16 years old girls have cell phones…
I’m like, “When are you gonna get rid of those barces?”
And she’s like, “I need them to walk…”

I spent four years in college for nothing.
It was really my own fault. ‘Cause I had a double major in psychology and reverese psychology.

You ever experience a weird phantom vibration feeling. Kinda feels like your cell phone is ringing but in reality you are just having a stroke?

the past, the present and the future walk into a bar. It was tense.

universetwisters
  • universetwisters

    Ich liebe dich.

  • Members
  • Joined: 26 Feb 2011
  • United-States

#1494

Posted 23 August 2014 - 04:23 PM

What does a twisted golf club and a blonde woman have in common?

None of them are good drivers
  • EyeMacHunt, Palikari and nobum62 like this

IanE55
  • IanE55

    Not a hipster.

  • $outh $ide Hoodz
  • Joined: 02 Mar 2014
  • Mexico

#1495

Posted 23 August 2014 - 05:36 PM

What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?

 

Spoiler

  • Yolo Swaggins, Slave Boy, universetwisters and 6 others like this

Slave Boy
  • Slave Boy

    Enslaved

  • The Connection
  • Joined: 03 May 2008
  • Finland
  • Most Talented GFX Artist 2013

#1496

Posted 13 September 2014 - 08:01 PM

Guess why the bottom is cut off?

 

mXniwLQ.jpg

  • universetwisters likes this

Winning001
  • Winning001

    Don't Click the GIF

  • Members
  • Joined: 05 Jun 2013
  • North-Korea

#1497

Posted 14 September 2014 - 12:53 AM

So an Irishman walks out of a bar...
  • Slave Boy and universetwisters like this

universetwisters
  • universetwisters

    Ich liebe dich.

  • Members
  • Joined: 26 Feb 2011
  • United-States

#1498

Posted 20 September 2014 - 12:01 AM

Donald Rumsfeld briefed the President this morning. He told Bush that three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq. To everyone's amazement, all of the colour ran from Bush's face, then he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost whimpering. Finally, he composed himself and asked Rumsfeld, "Just exactly how many is a brazillion?"

  • Crokey, Slave Boy, krashr and 1 other like this

Liteskeen Facebutt
  • Liteskeen Facebutt

    fredo in the cut, thats a scary sight

  • Members
  • Joined: 08 Jan 2014
  • Mars

#1499

Posted 20 September 2014 - 12:06 AM

i asked my white friend if he wanted to shoot hoops, and he asked where that school was located

  • Slave Boy and universetwisters like this

EphemeralStar
  • EphemeralStar

    おっぱい

  • Andolini Mafia Family
  • Joined: 26 Dec 2013
  • Canada

#1500

Posted 20 September 2014 - 04:10 AM

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get soap in your mouth - then it becomes a soap opera.
What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip off. 
 

  • *MURDOC*, Slave Boy, nobum62 and 1 other like this




1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users