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The Joke Thread

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Chips237
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#1441

Posted 24 April 2014 - 06:33 AM

Practice makes perfect.

But nobody is perfect.

So why practice?


Barefoot Tiger
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#1442

Posted 24 April 2014 - 08:57 PM

Two men are in a pub having a drink.

 

The first one turns to the second one and says, "Where are you from?" The second replies. "Ireland".
"Me too", says the first one, "let's drink to Ireland", so both of them have another pint of beer.

 

"So which part of Ireland are you from, then?".
"Dublin", says the second man. "Which part are you from?".
"I'm from Dublin as well" replies the first Irishman. "let's have another pint of beer, celebrating Dublin".

 

Having finished their beer the second Irishman asks the first one, "What school did you go to in Ireland?".
"I left St Mary's Boys school in 1986" says the first man.
"How extraordinary" says the first man, "so did I. We must have a drink to celebrate this."

As the two men are raising their glasses a third man enters the bar. "What's going on?", he asks the barman.

"Not much" says the barman, but.......

Spoiler

 

 

 

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lil weasel
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#1443

Posted 26 April 2014 - 06:45 PM Edited by lil weasel, 26 April 2014 - 06:46 PM.

What's the difference between Hitler and Michael Phelps?
Spoiler


How do you get a fat girl into bed?
Spoiler


I ran into Hitler. I was surprised to see him and asked him what he was up to?
He said "This time I am going to kill 6 million Jews and two clowns!"
"Two Clowns?", I said, "Why are you going to kill two clowns?"
"See!
Spoiler


What's the difference between an onion and a hooker?
Spoiler


What's the difference between a black guy and a pizza?
Spoiler


How many white guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Spoiler
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Barefoot Tiger
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#1444

Posted 05 May 2014 - 01:32 AM Edited by Barefoot Tiger, 05 May 2014 - 01:33 AM.

Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife is lying in bed reading.

 

Man says: "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."

 

Wife replies: "I think you'll find that is a sheep."

 

 

Man replies:

Spoiler

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lil weasel
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#1445

Posted 05 May 2014 - 10:45 PM

funny-soldiers-Navy-uniform.jpg

Barefoot Tiger
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#1446

Posted 06 May 2014 - 01:34 AM

A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach was standing there. The cockroach immediately punched him between the eyes and scampered off.

 

The next evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang again. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there again. This time, it punched him, kicked him and karate chopped him before running away.

 

The third evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there yet again. It leapt at him and stabbed him several times before running off. The gravely injured man managed to crawl to the telephone and summoned an ambulance.

 

He was rushed to intensive care, where they saved his life.

 

The next morning, the doctor was doing his rounds. He asked the man what happened, so the man explained about the 6 foot cockroach's attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing.

 

The doctor thought for a moment and said..........

 

Spoiler

 

 

 

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IanE55
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#1447

Posted 06 May 2014 - 03:12 AM Edited by IanE55, 06 May 2014 - 03:17 AM.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, “Can you all see me now?”

 

“Yes.”
“Oui.”
“Sí.”
“Ja.”

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Barefoot Tiger
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#1448

Posted 07 May 2014 - 01:23 AM

An Irishman was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

 

Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

 

Miraculously, a parking place appeared. The Irishman looked up again and said,

Spoiler

 

 


The Pizza Delivery Guy
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#1449

Posted 14 May 2014 - 01:56 AM Edited by The Pizza Delivery Guy, 14 May 2014 - 01:56 AM.

I'm sure this has been posted before but...

 

What happens after Queen Lizzy uses the toilet?

 

Spoiler


Palikari
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#1450

Posted 14 May 2014 - 02:07 AM Edited by Palikari, 14 May 2014 - 02:07 AM.

A Jewish man was riding on the subway reading an Arab newspaper. A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached the newspaper reader:

 

- "Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?"

 

Moshe replied:

 

- "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty, Israel being attacked... So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world... The news is much better!"

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universetwisters
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#1451

Posted 14 May 2014 - 02:49 AM

^ Whether or not that was a subtle political jab, it made me giggle.


A man is sunbathing naked, reading the newspaper. A little girl comes up to him and asks him what he's doing. "I'm sunbathing" says the man, and then he passes out. He wakes up in a hospital with severe pain to his penis area. They ask him what happened and he said "I was sunbathing and this girl asked me what I was doing and then I passed out". The police went to the girl and asked for her side of the story, to which she said

Spoiler


Palikari
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#1452

Posted 16 May 2014 - 02:19 AM Edited by Palikari, 16 May 2014 - 02:20 AM.

Iranian president Hassan Rouhani calls President Obama and tells him, "Barack, I had a wonderful dream last night. I could see America, the whole beautiful country, and on each house I saw a banner."
 
"What did it say on the banners?" Obama asks. Rouhani replies: "UNITED STATES OF IRAN."
 
Obama says, "You know, Hassan, I am really happy you called, because believe it or not, last night I had a similar dream. I could see all of Tehran, and it was more beautiful than ever, and on each house flew an enormous banner."
 
"What did it say on the banners?" Hassan asks.
 
Obama replies, "I don't know. I can't read Hebrew."
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universetwisters
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#1453

Posted 16 May 2014 - 02:25 AM

If Virginia were to give Maryland her New Jersey, what would Delaware?

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Palikari
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#1454

Posted 16 May 2014 - 01:58 PM Edited by Palikari, 16 May 2014 - 02:00 PM.

A Jewish man is walking on a beach in the Gaza Strip and notices three Palestinian kids swimming in the sea. Suddenly, he sees a shark circling around them and it looks as though it is poised to attack. He courageously jumps into the water, saves each child in turn. When they are safe on the beach, the man pulls out a knife, dives back into the sea, and kills the shark so he can't threaten any more children.

Upon swimming back to shore, a journalist who had been watching the whole exchange, approached the man, commended him on his courage, and said what a great story it will make when he writes about the brave Palestinian who saved three children from a shark. The Jew replies to the journalist thanking him for his kind words, but informed him that he is in fact Jewish and not Palestinian, whereupon the journalist, looking surprised says, "Oh, in that case, my story headline will read: "Jewish Settler Nearly Drowns Palestinian Children and Kills their Pet Fish."

Mr.Killa
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#1455

Posted 17 May 2014 - 03:59 PM

Damn, Palikari. Can you post anything on this website that doesn´t scream "ISRAEL RULES" or "ARABIA SUCKS all over?

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universetwisters
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#1456

Posted 17 May 2014 - 04:04 PM

What's worse than a bee sting?

Spoiler

 

How many black people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Spoiler

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Trinette
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#1457

Posted 17 May 2014 - 05:06 PM Edited by Trinette, 17 May 2014 - 05:07 PM.

What's worse than a bee sting?

Spoiler

 

How many black people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Spoiler

hewhewhewhew. Those anti-jokes.

 

here are a few:

 

1) A white guy, a black guy, and a chinese man all walk in to a magic shop, at different times in the day to buy different products.

 

2) Why did the black man buy a watermelon? 

 

Spoiler

 

3) What do you call a man with a shovel in his head?

 

Spoiler
:ph34r: :ph34r:

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universetwisters
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#1458

Posted 17 May 2014 - 05:23 PM

I giggled at the last one.

 

How many leprechauns does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Spoiler

 

A Rabbi, a Priest, and a Monk all walk into a bar.

Spoiler

 

What's the difference between a pizza and a jew?

Spoiler

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Nipperkins
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#1459

Posted 17 May 2014 - 05:27 PM Edited by Nipperkins, 17 May 2014 - 05:28 PM.

Why was the plane plummeting towards Earth?

Spoiler

 

A man walks into a bar.

Spoiler

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universetwisters
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#1460

Posted 17 May 2014 - 05:36 PM

Why do jews have such large noses?

Spoiler

 

What's the difference between a black man and a park bench?

Spoiler


chrisscorsese88
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#1461

Posted 17 May 2014 - 06:05 PM

How many episodes does it take for a Super Saiyan to screw in a lightbulb?

Spoiler


How many people do you have to kill to get a wanted level in GTA?

Spoiler

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Palikari
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#1462

Posted 17 May 2014 - 06:06 PM

Damn, Palikari. Can you post anything on this website that doesn´t scream "ISRAEL RULES" or "ARABIA SUCKS all over?

Yes... But I'm posting Israeli jokes because most of them are not known abroad.


universetwisters
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#1463

Posted 17 May 2014 - 06:15 PM

 

Damn, Palikari. Can you post anything on this website that doesn´t scream "ISRAEL RULES" or "ARABIA SUCKS all over?

Yes... But I'm posting Israeli jokes because most of them are not known abroad.

 

Neither are Romanian Tractor Pulling jokes, but not many people are interested in those. I'd be careful with political jokes.

 

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Spoiler

 

How do you confuse a blonde?

Spoiler

 

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Dave

Dave who?

Spoiler

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Palikari
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#1464

Posted 17 May 2014 - 06:18 PM

Peter, a well known anti-Semite, walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he sees a guy close by with kippah, tzitziot, and payot. He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is Jewish. So Peter shouts over to the bartender so everyone can hear: "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for that guy over there!" pointing to the Jewish guy.
 
Soon after the drinks have been handed out, Peter notices that the Jewish guy is smiling. This infuriates him and in a loud voice, he once again orders drinks for everyone except the Jewish guy. But as before, this does not seem to worry the Jewish guy who continues to smile. So he says to the barman: "What's the matter with that guy over there? I've ordered two rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar except that guy, and all he does is smile and look happy. Is something wrong with him or something?”
 
"No, he's absolutely normal," replies the barman. "He's the owner."
 
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Israel's economy is in a bad way, inflation is getting higher and illegal immigrants (infiltrators) are flooding in from Africa. Problems, problems and problems, but what should Israel do? So the Knesset (Israeli parliament) holds a special session to come up with a solution.
 
After several hours of talk without progress one MK, Yitzhak, stands up and says: "Quiet everyone, I've got it, I've got the solution to all our problems. We'll declare war on the United States."
 
Everyone starts shouting at once. "You're nuts! That's crazy!"
 
"Hear me out!" says Yitzhak. "We declare war. We lose. The United States does what she always does when she defeats a country. She rebuilds everything; our highways, airports, shipping ports, schools, hospitals, factories, and loans us money, and sends us food aid. Our problems would be over."
 
"Sure," says Benny, a minister, "And what if we win?"

universetwisters
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#1465

Posted 17 May 2014 - 06:27 PM

What happened to the writer of Israeli jokes after he wrote too many?

Spoiler

 

Why was six afraid of seven?

Spoiler

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chrisscorsese88
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#1466

Posted 17 May 2014 - 10:43 PM

A cowboy rides into town on Friday, stays for three days, and leaves on Friday. How did he do it?

Spoiler


How do you make a tissue dance?

Spoiler

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Varys
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#1467

Posted 18 May 2014 - 04:28 AM Edited by Varys, 18 May 2014 - 04:30 AM.

Ned Stark has literature making him regent of the seven kingdoms...

 

Spoiler

 

tumblr_inline_miwpg4pIGE1qz4rgp.jpg


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#1468

Posted 21 May 2014 - 04:27 PM

Two fish are inside a tank.
One fish said to the other,
Spoiler
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CJ killed Ryder
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#1469

Posted 23 May 2014 - 02:23 PM

What does Peppy Hare from Star Fox say when he is raped?

 

"Enemy's coming from behind."

 

Not a good joke but I felt the need to post it.


universetwisters
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#1470

Posted 24 May 2014 - 07:00 PM

What does the one pilot say to the other?

 

Spoiler

 

A priest, a rabbi, a monk, and a mullah all walk into a bar...

 

Spoiler





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