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The Joke Thread

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Mick.
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#1411

Posted 16 April 2014 - 01:53 AM

I laughed so hard, it almost made me fall off my dinosaur.

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#1412

Posted 16 April 2014 - 02:39 AM Edited by gtarelatedusername2, 16 April 2014 - 02:39 AM.

I don't want to offend Buddhists.

 

Anyways, a Buddhist walks up to a hotdog stand. The man says, "What do you want?" The Buddhist replies, "Make me one with everything."

That's a reworked version of the infamous Dalai Lama bit, jussayin'

 

Speaking of old jokes: Jewish men get circumcised because Jewish women won't touch anything unless it's 10% off.

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#1413

Posted 17 April 2014 - 12:02 AM


A medical doctor will be giving a speech at a medical convection. He jots down notes for his speech.
But, when he stands in front of attendees that night, is unable to read his notes. So he asks, "Is there a pharmacist in the house?"

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#1414

Posted 17 April 2014 - 12:37 AM

What do you call a man with a shovel in his head?

An ambulance.
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#1415

Posted 17 April 2014 - 12:55 AM

A family of moles had been hibernating all winter.

 

One beautiful spring morning, they woke up. The father mole stuck his head out of the hole and looked around.

"Mother Mole!" He called back down the hole. "Come up here! I smell honey, fresh made honey!"

 

The mother mole ran up and squeezed in next to him.

"That's not honey, that's maple syrup! I smell maple syrup!"

 

The baby mole, still down in the hole, was sulking. "I can't smell anything down here but molasses..."

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#1416

Posted 17 April 2014 - 12:35 PM

What's brown and sticky?

 

a stick

 

Spoiler

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#1417

Posted 20 April 2014 - 04:39 PM

Q: What´s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? 

 

A. They can hang a picture of Jesus with only one nail.

 

 

 

Yeah....i know it sucks. 

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#1418

Posted 20 April 2014 - 07:59 PM

What's got seven eyes and can't see?

 

 

 

Three blind mice and half a sheep's head.


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#1419

Posted 20 April 2014 - 08:11 PM

Sitting together on a train, traveling through the Swiss Alps, are a French guy an American guy, an old Greek lady and a young blonde Swiss
girl.

 

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Frenchman has a bright red hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.

 

The old lady thinks: The Frenchman must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.

 

The blonde thinks: That Frenchman must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.

 

The Frenchman thinks: The American must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

 

The American thinks:  

Spoiler

 

 

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Jimmy_Leppard
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#1420

Posted 20 April 2014 - 08:39 PM Edited by Jimmy_Leppard, 20 April 2014 - 08:40 PM.

A conversation between a man and a woman BEFORE THEY GET MARRIED:

 

Man: ''I can't wait!''

Woman:  ''Will you ever leave me?''

Man: ''Of course not, don't even think about it.''

Woman: ''Do you love me?''

Man: ''Of course!''

Woman: ''Did you ever cheated on me so far?''

Man: ''Of course not, how can you even ask me that?''

Woman: ''Will you kiss me?''

Man: ''Every time I get the chance.''

Woman: ''Will you ever hit me?''

Man: ''Of course not! I'm not that kind of a person.''

Woman: ''Can I trust you?''

Man: ''Yes.''

Woman: ''Oh, my darling.''

 

For a conversation between that same man and woman AFTER THEY GOT MARRIED just read that same conversation from bottom to top. ;)

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#1421

Posted 20 April 2014 - 08:56 PM

A man went into a barbers for a shave, while the barber is foaming him up he mentioned how difficult he finds it to get a close shave
around his cheeks.

 

"I have the very thing" said the barber pulling a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer, "Just place this between your cheek and gum".

 

The man placed this ball in his mouth and went on to have the closest shave he'd ever experienced.

 

As he stood up the man asked "What would have happened if I accidentally swallowed the ball"
.
"It's not a problem" the barber replied,

Spoiler

 

 

 

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#1422

Posted 21 April 2014 - 03:09 AM

How many leprechauns does it take to change a light bulb?

 

Spoiler

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Kiffster
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#1423

Posted 21 April 2014 - 07:25 AM

How many Alzheimers patients does it take to change a light bulb?

Spoiler
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#1424

Posted 21 April 2014 - 07:28 AM

What did the Buffalo say to his son when he was leaving for school ?

 

Spoiler

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#1425

Posted 21 April 2014 - 07:58 AM

Little Jeremy was blind. One evening, his mummy put him on her knee and said "Jeremy, I have a very special surprise for you. Tonight, if you pray very hard, when you wake up, you'll be able to see". In great excitement, Jeremy stumbled upstairs, threw himself down next to his bed, and prayed his little heart out. "Please God, please, please, please give me sight. I'll be a good boy all the time, and I'll never use my eyes to look at naughty things or anything". The next morning, his mother is awakened by howls from Jeremy's room. She rushes into him. "What's wrong, son?" "I still can't see!" he wails. "Ha ha!" laughs his mum. "April fools!"
--
I was completely shocked this morning when my doctor told me I was colour blind. It came completely out of the green.
--
Thought I would surprise the post women this morning so I sneaked up to the front door and put my cock through the letterbox... don't know what surprised her the most, my cock or the fact I knew where she lived.
--
A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband. At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs... enough times till her husband says... "Are you wearing crotch less panties?" "Y-e-s" she answers with a seductive smile. "Thank God for that... I thought you were sitting on the cat".
--
Today's generation: Six year old boy to a four year old boy "Dude, I found a condom in the balcony". Four year old boy "What's a balcony?"

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#1426

Posted 21 April 2014 - 08:20 AM

A lawyer is driving in the middle of nowhere and his car breaks down. After waiting a while, a farmer walks over to the car. Discovering what the problem is, the farmer offers his home to the lawyer to stay for the night.

Later that night, the lawyer is in bed when the farmer's wife comes in his room. She wants to have sex with him. The lawyer says "No, your husband will wake up and catch us".

The wife replies "My husband is a heavy sleeper. He won't wake up, I promise". To prove it, she takes the lawyer into her room where her husband is naked, and tells the lawyer to pull one of the hairs on his ass. The lawyer does it and the farmer doesn't wake up.

The wife and the lawyer go back to the room and have sex. About 2 hours later, the wife comes back and wants more. The lawyer says once again "You're husband will wake up and catch us".

The wife says "I already told you, he's a heavy sleeper". She takes him in her room again. The lawyer pulls another hair on the farmer's ass and still the farmer does not wake up. So they go have sex again.

It's almost sunrise and the wife comes back again and wants to do it one more time before her husband wakes up. The lawyer says "It's almost sunrise, he's about to wake up".

The wife says "Let me show you one more time that my husband is a heavy sleeper". So they go back to her room and the lawyer pulls a hair on the farmer's ass.

Just then, the farmer turns around, looks at him and says: "You can f*ck my wife as many times as you want, but don't use my ass as a scoreboard!"

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#1427

Posted 21 April 2014 - 08:33 AM

world peace


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#1428

Posted 21 April 2014 - 05:26 PM

The rich man and the poor man were discussing their wives.

 

The rich man said that for her birthday he had bought his wife a Mercedes and a diamond necklace.

The poor man asked, "Why two presents?" The rich man told him that if she didn't like the necklace she could use the Merc to drive to the shop and change it.

 

The poor man was impressed with the idea. "I think I'll try that. It's my wife's birthday next week so I'll buy her a pair of flip-flops and a vibrator."
The rich man's curiosity was aroused. "Why two presents?"

 

The poor man said.....

Spoiler

 

 

 

 

 

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#1429

Posted 21 April 2014 - 10:27 PM

How do you fit 100 babies in a bucket?

Blender.

How do you get them back out again?

Doritos.


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#1430

Posted 21 April 2014 - 10:33 PM

Why is Six afraid of Seven?

Because Seven Eight Nine.

The best joke ever.


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#1431

Posted 22 April 2014 - 12:55 AM

I'm just going to check the male


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#1432

Posted 22 April 2014 - 01:08 AM

An Aussie, a sheep and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck.

They found themselves stranded on a desert island.

 

After being there for a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance.

 

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the Aussie. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the Aussie took his arm from around the sheep. After that the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling.

 

A few weeks passed, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful the Aussie had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to the evening ritual. It was another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance.

 

Pretty soon, the Aussie started to get "those" feelings again. He fought them as long as he could, but finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman cautiously, and whispered in her ear........

Spoiler

 

 

 

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#1433

Posted 23 April 2014 - 03:11 AM Edited by lil weasel, 23 April 2014 - 03:13 AM.

Back in the time of the Samurai there was a powerful emperor. This emperor needed a new head Samurai so he sent out a message to one and all that he was searching for one. A year passes and only three people show up: a Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai and a Jewish Samurai.

 The emperor asks the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be Head Samurai. The Japanese Samurai opens a match box and out pops a little fly. Whoosh goes his sword and the fly drops dead on the ground in two pieces. The emperor says, "That is very impressive!"  The emperor then asks the Chinese Samurai to come in and demonstrate. The Chinese Samurai opens a match box and out pops a fly. Whoosh whoosh. The fly drops dead on the ground in four pieces. "That is really impressive."

 The emperor then has the Jewish Samurai demonstrate why he should be the head Samurai. The Jewish Samurai thinks, if it works for the other two, why not try. Whoooooooossshhh. A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still alive and buzzing around. The emperor asks in disappointment, "Why is the fly not dead?"

The Jewish Samurai replies, "If you look closely, the fly has been circumcised!"

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#1434

Posted 23 April 2014 - 04:30 AM

So a guy wants to ask this girl out to prom. But before he asks he decides he needs some flowers. But there's a long line at the florist stretching all the way around the block. After spending hours in line he finally bought some flowers.

He needed to catch a bus to get to the girls house, he arrives at the bus depot he finds a long line. After hours of waiting he arrives at the girls house.

The girl says yes and says she needs a dress. So they go dress shopping. But there's a long line at the store, so they wait and wait and wait. Finally they buy a dress.

They decide to stop for lunch but there's a long line at the food court. So they wait and wait and wait before finally grabbing a bite to eat.

Before buying a suit the guy has to get money from the bank but there's a long queue at the ATM. He waits and waits and waits before finally withdrawing some cash.

They spent hours choosing a suit and found a long line of people at the register. They wait and wait and wait before finally buying a suit.

The boy decides to hire a limo, he calls the company and they put him on hold. He gives up and goes into the store and turns out there's a long line of people. He waits and waits and waits before finally hiring the last limo.

He remembers he forgot the corsage and makes a rush to the shop only to find a long queue. He picks one and joins the back of the queue. Hours later he's finally ready for prom.

When they get to prom there's a large line of people waiting to get in. So the couple wait and wait and wait. Before finally being allowed in.

They make their way to the buffet only to find there's a long line. So they wait and wait and wait before finally filling up a plate.

There's not enough tables available so they join the end of the queue and wait. Finally they're able to sit down. Soon after the girl decides she's thirsty.

The guy goes to the punch table and brings her some punch.

Spoiler
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#1435

Posted 23 April 2014 - 06:38 PM

Little Johnny comes home from school and starts shouting happily to his mom:

 

Little Johnny: ''Mom, today in school, I was the only one who knew the answer to one question our teacher asked.''

Mom: ''Oh, that's great, honey. What was the question?

Spoiler


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#1436

Posted 23 April 2014 - 07:40 PM

Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation.

"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.

"I froze to death," says the second.

"That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"

"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"

"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."

 

 

The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.

Spoiler

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#1437

Posted 24 April 2014 - 02:51 AM

After enlisting in the 82nd Airborne Division, I eagerly asked my Recruiter what I could expect from jump school.
 
"Well," he said, "it's three weeks long."
 
"What else," I asked.
 
"The first week they separate the men from the boys," he said. "The second week, they separate the men from the fools."
 
"And the third week?" I asked.
 
"The third week, the fools jump."

 

 

 

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#1438

Posted 24 April 2014 - 05:11 AM

You wanna hear a joke ?

 

Spoiler

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#1439

Posted 24 April 2014 - 05:19 AM

You wanna hear a joke ?

 

Spoiler

That joke is evil.  :devil:

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#1440

Posted 24 April 2014 - 06:29 AM

Two men considering a religious vocation were having a conversation. "What is similar about the Jesuit and Dominican Orders? " the one asked.

The second replied, "Well, they were both founded by Spaniards -- St. Dominic for the Dominicans, and St. Ignatius of Loyola for the Jesuits. They were also both founded to combat heresy -- the Dominicans to fight the Albigensians, and the Jesuits to fight the Protestants."

"What is different about the Jesuit and Dominican Orders?"

"Met any Albigensians lately?"




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