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The Joke Thread

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WBaker
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#1381

Posted 04 April 2014 - 04:59 PM

A woman is in the delivery room giving birth, the doctor tells her to push. She does and the baby's head pops out. The doctor says, "Oh! Your baby has slanted eyes." To which she replies "Yeah I heard them Chinese men were pretty good, so I decided to give them a try."

The doctor shrugs it off and tells her to push again. This time the baby's body comes out. "Holy sh*t, your baby has a white body," the doctor says. "Yeah I heard them white men were pretty good so I decided to give them a try," she said.

The doctor shrugs it off again and tells her to push again and that will be it. So she does and the legs come out. "Holy sh*t! Your baby has black legs," the doctor said. "Yeah I heard them black men were pretty good so I decided to give them a try," she said.

So the doctor shrugs it off again and ties the umbilical cord and slaps the baby on the ass, it starts to cry. The doctor turns to the woman and asks, "How are you going to deal with a baby who has slanted eyes, white body, and black legs?" The woman replies "I'm just glad it didn't bark!"

lil weasel
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#1382

Posted 05 April 2014 - 12:57 AM

Did ya hear of the Scot who was running down the lane with his mouth open.

 

He was told there was a nip in the air. :)


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#1383

Posted 05 April 2014 - 01:03 AM

Anyone hear what happened to the blind circumsizer? 

 

Spoiler


TECHN9CiAN
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#1384

Posted 05 April 2014 - 05:51 AM Edited by TECHN9CiAN, 05 April 2014 - 05:59 AM.

Edit: better joke instead.



A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest "I almost had an affair with another woman".

The priest said "What do you mean, almost?" The Irishman said "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped".

The priest said "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box".

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!" The Irishman replied "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"



Bonus joke:

I'm at a bar and start chatting with a random girl. When she asked for my name, i said "my name is christopher, but most call me dick for short".
The girl, with a puzzled look asked "how do you get dick from christopher?"
To which i responded: "you ask nicely" ;)
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#1385

Posted 05 April 2014 - 05:55 AM

Did you hear about the teacher who was on-board the Challenger? Do you know what color her eyes were?

 

Blue. One blue that way and the other one blue all the way over there.


EphemeralStar
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#1386

Posted 05 April 2014 - 05:56 AM

My first job was working at an orange juice company. But I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.

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a20characterusername
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#1387

Posted 05 April 2014 - 06:30 AM Edited by gtarelatedusername2, 05 April 2014 - 06:30 AM.

My first job was working at an orange juice company. But I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.

I hear they have special, uhm,"retreats" for workers who have a hard time concentrating...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

it's called a getaway workshop and it's very nice


TECHN9CiAN
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#1388

Posted 05 April 2014 - 06:40 AM

What did the kid who was dying of heart, liver, and kidney failure get for his b-day?

Spoiler



What did the teenager with ADD get for his b-day?

Spoiler

THE GHETTO JEZUS
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#1389

Posted 05 April 2014 - 06:43 AM

What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide, and drives a women wild ?

 

Spoiler

 

What's long, hard, and has cum in it ?

 

Spoiler

 

Girl: "Hey, what's up ?"

Boy: "If I tell you, will you sit on it ?"

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a20characterusername
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#1390

Posted 05 April 2014 - 06:53 AM

A Catholic priest and a Rabbi are walking down the streets of Boston discussing faith, when a young boy suddenly catches the Priest's eye.

"Hey" He turns to the Rabbi, "let's go screw that kid!"

Confused, the Rabbi looks at the kid, then the priest and asks "out of what?"

 

Figured that one is tame enough to post.


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#1391

Posted 05 April 2014 - 07:47 AM

A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer, took their final test for the job. The sole question in the exam was "how much is one plus one".

The math dude asked the receptionist for a ream of paper, two hours later, he said: I have proven its a natural number.

The physicist, after checking parallax error and quantum tables said: its between 1.9999999999, and 2.0000000001

The engineer quicly said: oh! its easy! its two,.... no, better make it three, just to be safe.

Kiffster
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#1392

Posted 06 April 2014 - 09:55 AM

An alcoholic, a sex addict and a pothead, all die and go to Hell. Satan is waiting for them and tells all of them, "I am in a good mood today, so I am going to let each one of you pick one thing you love from earth and let you keep it here for 100 years, and then I will return for the goods."

Satan first approaches the alcoholic, "What is it that you would like to have?", to which the alcoholic responds, "I want the finest brew, wine and liquor you can get me". Satan brings him to a room filled with every type of beer on tap, the finest aged cellars of wine and of course the purest grain alcohol, each type of liquor you could possibly think of or never afford to even taste; a never ending supply of it all. The man yells, "WHOOA WHO!!" in excitement, and runs into the room. Satan laughs, shuts the door and locks it.

Satan then approaches the sex addict and asks "What is it that you would like to have?", to which the sex addict responds "WOMEN! I want lots of beautiful women, one for each day of the year!". Satan brings him to a room filled with only the most gorgeous women imaginable. Some with huge breasts, some with small breasts, some with big asses and some with small asses, some tall with never ending legs and some short, some have tight pussies and some have shaved pussies. All of the women are hot, naked and very horny. The sex addict immediately gets a raging hard on and runs into the room. Satan laughs, shuts the door and locks it.

Satan finally approaches the pothead and asks "What is it that you would like to have?", to which the pothead responds, "Well, that's easy! I want the best pot you got". Satan brings him to a room which is filled with the tallest, thickest, stinkiest, most dank plants growing on for acres. The sweet smell from the purest plants fills this enormous room. There were crystals growing on some buds which grew 15 feet high, just begging to be harvested. The quality of the bud would put the Cannabis Cup winners to shame, in all categories. It was beyond belief. The pot head was so awed and humbled by the sight of these beautiful plants, that he slowly walked into the room, he sat down Indian style (like with his legs crossed), took slow deep breathes, closed his eyes and proceeded to meditate on this miraculous sight. Satan looks at him curiously, shuts the door and locks it.


**ONE HUNDRED YEARS PASS**


Satan returns to the first room (remembering the alcoholic), unlocks and opens the door. There is broken wine and liquor glass bottles shattered everywhere. The room smells like rotting animal flesh and piss. The alcoholic comes running at the door, naked covered in his own vomit and sh*t, screaming "HELP!, I don't want anymore. Let me out of here!". Satan laughs, shuts the door and locks it.

Satan then returns to the second room (remembering the sex addict), unlocks and opens the door. There are thousands of kids running around the room and babies crying madly making so much noise no one could hear their own scream. Hundreds of very, very old ladies now limp around with no clothes on, still very horny for the sex addict who attempts to run out the door as Satan watches. Before the sex addict can utter a word of desperation, Satan laughs, shuts the door and locks it.

Satan finally arrives at the third and final room (remembering the pothead), unlocks and opens the door. After a quick look inside, Satan's evil grin turns to a look of confusion. Nothing had changed. The plants were untouched; just as dank as the day he left them. Even the pothead was in the same position, sitting down with his legs crossed. So Satan walks up behind the pothead, taps him on his shoulder and says, "What's wrong?". A tear rolls down the pothead's cheek as he turns to Satan and simply replies,
Spoiler


:cry: :cry: :cry:
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TECHN9CiAN
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#1393

Posted 06 April 2014 - 01:49 PM

Dude! I remember reading that pothead joke years ago and forgot how it went, i'd been looking for it for so long! Thanks for posting it, man, that still makes me LOL hard hahaha!
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komalr
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#1394

Posted 06 April 2014 - 02:52 PM Edited by komalr, 06 April 2014 - 02:54 PM.

Crickets gather around the bon-fire to hear the marvelous story of the traveller who travelled from far away land. He tells them the story about the ogres, trolls and wizards. He finishes his story.

The crickets, cheers for his wonderful story.

Traveller "Wow, tough crowd..

 

**

 

Boss: "You got the job!"
Candidate:"OMG! You don't know how much this means to me!!"
Boss:"April's fool!"
Candidate:"It's not april."
Boss:"Oh." *leaves*
Candidate: " .. "

 

**

 

There is no "I" in Tim. Oh wait..


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#1395

Posted 06 April 2014 - 10:38 PM

Something I heard on an anti-joke site...

 

 

 

A rabbi walks into a bar, in traditional Jewish garb. The bartender takes one look at him and says "Sorry, you'll have to leave". The Jewish gentleman says "Why, don't you serve Jews in here?". The bartender replies "Of course we do, but we just found asbestos in the walls and we're closing for remodeling." The rabbi politely apologizes for making misplaced assumptions about the bartender's place of business. 
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MarshalMoo
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#1396

Posted 07 April 2014 - 12:11 AM

Here's a better cricket joke:

 

Why is it better to be a grasshopper than a cricket? Because grasshoppers can play cricket but crickets can't play grasshopper!


EyeMacHunt
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#1397

Posted 07 April 2014 - 10:30 AM

Have you seen Stevie wonder's wife?

 

No?

 

Neither has he.

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Mr Oraange
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#1398

Posted 07 April 2014 - 07:57 PM Edited by Mr Oraange, 07 April 2014 - 07:58 PM.

A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."

The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God."

The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then he hands the bottle to the priest.

The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest.

The priest asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The rabbi replies, "No…. I think I'll wait for the police."


ExtremoMania
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#1399

Posted 11 April 2014 - 02:17 PM

Let's play a game, you say the country and I'll say the capital.

 

Okay, Switzerland.

 

S.


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#1400

Posted 11 April 2014 - 02:24 PM

All right, ExtremoMania, I'll play.

 

Afghanistan, Somalia, Senegal, Brazil, Uganda, Russia, Georgia, Ethiopia, Rwanda, Samoa

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ExtremoMania
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#1401

Posted 11 April 2014 - 02:30 PM

All right, ExtremoMania, I'll play.

 

Afghanistan, Somalia, Senegal, Brazil, Uganda, Russia, Georgia, Ethiopia, Rwanda, Samoa

Oh lol.. :lol:

I know what you mean there.


AnonymousIsLegion
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#1402

Posted 11 April 2014 - 05:39 PM

20 years old

Waiting tables at a restaurant

Serving a party of 3, Mom, Dad and a daughter who's about 5 or 6

Daughter has obvious down syndrome

She orders a turkey sandwich without tomatoes

I think to myself, "no tomato for the potato"

Didn't realize I said it out loud until her dad asked me to repeat what I just said

Mfw


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#1403

Posted 11 April 2014 - 07:54 PM

20 years old

Waiting tables at a restaurant

Serving a party of 3, Mom, Dad and a daughter who's about 5 or 6

Daughter has obvious down syndrome

She orders a turkey sandwich without tomatoes

I think to myself, "no tomato for the potato"

Didn't realize I said it out loud until her dad asked me to repeat what I just said

Mfw

 

I swear I saw that on a greentext thing already.


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#1404

Posted 12 April 2014 - 09:09 AM

Voodoo
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#1405

Posted 12 April 2014 - 01:40 PM

Too much to type out, so:
.
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quote2_Just_some_funny_quotes_n_pics-s49

dear-math.gif

funny-quotes-26.jpg
.
.

ryan_J
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#1406

Posted 12 April 2014 - 01:52 PM

A man comes home from a hunting trip with a dead deer to be cooked, he decides not to tell his kids what it is until they've already started eating it because he fears they may not want to eat a deer...

His kids eventually ask him what it is at the dinner table and the man says "Well kids its something mommy calls daddy sometimes, take a guess".

 

The son jumps up and shouts to the daughter saying "Don't eat it sis its a f*cking ass hole!".

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lil weasel
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#1407

Posted 14 April 2014 - 10:27 PM

At a line-up the investigating detective was asked by the Victim to have the suspects repeat the threat.

So after the suspects parade into the observation room the duty officer tells the suspects to one at a time step forward and say, "Gimme da money, tens and twenties only."

Suspect #1 steps forward and says, "Give me the money, tens and twenties only." He steps back.

Suspect #2 steps forward and says, "Gib me da money, tens and twenties ONLY." He steps back.

Suspect #3 steps forward and says, "That is not what I said."

 

Prototype1_1118.jpg

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WBaker
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#1408

Posted 14 April 2014 - 11:54 PM

A man goes skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor for what seems like days, he is ready to go. Excited, he jumps out of the airplane. About five seconds later, he pulls the ripcord. Nothing happens. He tries again. Still nothing. He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He pulls that cord. Nothing happens. He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to no avail. Suddenly, he looks down and he can't believe his eyes. Another man is in the air with him, but this guy is going *up*! Just as the other guy passes by, the skydiver - by this time scared out of his wits - yells, "Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?" The other guy yells back, "f*ck no! Do you know anything about lighting gas stoves?"
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#1409

Posted 16 April 2014 - 01:42 AM

It's so hard being a single mom when you have no kids and are a male teenager.

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#1410

Posted 16 April 2014 - 01:48 AM

I don't want to offend Buddhists.

 

Anyways, a Buddhist walks up to a hotdog stand. The man says, "What do you want?" The Buddhist replies, "Make me one with everything."





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