Quantcast

Jump to content

» «
Photo

The Joke Thread

1,494 replies to this topic
Alhalish
  • Alhalish

    Scholar of Shen Zhou

  • Members
  • Joined: 08 Mar 2014
  • Indonesia

#1351

Posted 19 March 2014 - 04:35 PM

If everything has its pros and cons, what will happen to constitution?


WBaker
  • WBaker

    Acatalepsis

  • Members
  • Joined: 18 Sep 2013
  • United-States

#1352

Posted 19 March 2014 - 07:22 PM

There were these three farmers that wanted to win the state fair contest for having the largest hog. They decide that they should stick a cork in the pigs ass and feed him for a month before the fair. The only problem was that none of them wanted to be the one to stick the cork in. So they bought a monkey and trained him to stick corks in bottles.

After a week or two of this, they stick the monkey in the pen with the pig and a cork, and after a minute, the monkey did what he was supposed to do. The farmers fed the pig for a month and sure enough, they won first prize. Once they got home, they realized they still had to take the cork out. So they trained this same monkey to take corks out of bottles.

They stuck the monkey in the pen with the pig, and the farmers woke up three days later in the hospital with a reporter sitting next to them. The reporter asked the first farmer, "What is the last thing you remember?" "sh*t flying everywhere," the farmer replied. The reporter asked the second farmer the same question and got the same response. When she got to the third farmer and asked him what he could remember, he started crying. The reporter asked, "What's the matter?" The farmer replied, "The last thing I remember is the look on the poor monkey's face as he tried to stick the cork back in."
  • Crokey and Slave Boy like this

Rainbow Party
  • Rainbow Party

  • BUSTED!
  • Joined: 16 Oct 2013

#1353

Posted 19 March 2014 - 08:14 PM

I wish my lawn was emo so it would cut itself.

  • Dbns_Finest, PaletoChickenCapo, Prince Gumball and 1 other like this

lil weasel
  • lil weasel

    Shoot Looters, Hang Pirates!

  • Members
  • Joined: 25 Dec 2006
  • None
  • Contribution Award [San Andreas]

#1354

Posted 26 March 2014 - 03:46 PM Edited by lil weasel, 26 March 2014 - 03:49 PM.

John lost his drum and believed it was stolen.

John went to report the theft to the police but the constable was too busy to take the report. John was told to beat it by the copper.

Well, this pissed John off as if he had his drum he could but he didn’t so he couldn’t, and continued to vex the copper.

 

4014577.gif


ryan_J
  • ryan_J

    GTA FOR LIFE !

  • Members
  • Joined: 12 Apr 2011

#1355

Posted 26 March 2014 - 04:33 PM

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. 
The first fish turns to the other and says, "Dam!".

WBaker
  • WBaker

    Acatalepsis

  • Members
  • Joined: 18 Sep 2013
  • United-States

#1356

Posted 26 March 2014 - 05:18 PM

One day an 85-year-old man is taking a stroll around his hometown, which he has lived in for his whole life. As he sees the landmarks, homes, and streets from his youth, he starts reminiscing....

"I remember helping build that bridge when I was 25. I worked hard on that. But people won't call you 'the bridge builder' if you do that here. No, no, they don't!"

"I remember building that house over there when I was 30. But people won't call you 'the house builder' if you do that. No, no they don't!"

"I remember building that tavern that I still lounge at when I was 35. If you do that people won't call you 'the tavern builder' either. They sure won't!"

"But if you f*ck one goat......."

W2B
  • W2B

    Is Awesome!

  • Zaibatsu
  • Joined: 27 Mar 2013
  • South-Africa

#1357

Posted 26 March 2014 - 05:21 PM

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending all his wages.

When he finally got home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife.

After two hours, she stopped nagging and said: 'How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?' He replied: 'That would be fine with me.' Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Thursday, the swelling went down just enough for him to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
  • Dbns_Finest and CatDog96 like this

Alhalish
  • Alhalish

    Scholar of Shen Zhou

  • Members
  • Joined: 08 Mar 2014
  • Indonesia

#1358

Posted 26 March 2014 - 05:27 PM

If firefighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

  • ryan_J likes this

CatDog96
  • CatDog96

    Dayman

  • Members
  • Joined: 14 Aug 2013
  • Australia

#1359

Posted 26 March 2014 - 05:31 PM

How does a cat make cake?

Spoiler

  • Dbns_Finest and Vanto like this

ryan_J
  • ryan_J

    GTA FOR LIFE !

  • Members
  • Joined: 12 Apr 2011

#1360

Posted 26 March 2014 - 05:45 PM

If firefighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

 

The key here is that firefighter is often considered a solid, permanent compound word whereas freedom fighters is an open compound word meaning that firefighters is most commonly spelt as one word but there is a space in-between freedom and fighters

 

Also arian as a suffix does not mean anything by itself, for example...

 

a librarian (person who works in a library)
a vegetarian (a person who does not eat meat)
humanitarian aid (help for injured, ill, or hungry people)
 
It simply means that a person is a believer or is associated with a particular belief system or practice. I.e. not every word ending in the arian suffix means eating only certain things.
 
It seems that I have now ruined the joke but its too late to turn back. I'll just leave.
  • Sting4S likes this

Dbns_Finest
  • Dbns_Finest

    Why are you reading this? Still reading? Just go already.

  • Members
  • Joined: 23 Nov 2012
  • South-Africa

#1361

Posted 26 March 2014 - 05:50 PM

I heard being gay is a pain in the ass...
  • Sting4S likes this

RiskySeven
  • RiskySeven

    Bayou 0utlaw

  • Members
  • Joined: 13 Mar 2014
  • United-States

#1362

Posted 26 March 2014 - 05:54 PM

One day, a Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest was grocery shopping together, when they came up on one of those free food sample tables near the deli part of the store. On the table there was a tray with small samples of ham. The Priest pick up a couple of samples and ate them. He turned to the Rabbi and said, "The ham is quite good, you should try some".

 

Well that pissed off the Rabbi because he thinks the Priest is just f**king with him given the fact that the Priest knows it is against the Rabbi's religion to eat ham. So the Rabbi decides two can play this game.

 

The Rabbi asked the Priest, "Have you ever been with a woman"?

The  Priest replies, "Now you know that is against my religion"!

The Rabbi says, "You should try it some time, it is better than the ham"!

 

.


Lexty.
  • Lexty.

    action without satisfaction.

  • $outh $ide Hoodz
  • Joined: 21 May 2012
  • None

#1363

Posted 27 March 2014 - 11:02 PM

What's the difference between fertiliser and a black man?

















The fertiliser does it's job correctly in the field.

EyeMacHunt
  • EyeMacHunt

    Tank Hunter

  • Members
  • Joined: 02 Jul 2012

#1364

Posted 28 March 2014 - 09:59 AM

What's the difference between aboriginals and sperm?

 

One in a million sperm actually work.


EyeMacHunt
  • EyeMacHunt

    Tank Hunter

  • Members
  • Joined: 02 Jul 2012

#1365

Posted 28 March 2014 - 10:04 AM

A woman has a serious problem with her husband beating her when he gets home from the pub each night so she goes to the local battered wives shelter to seek help. She has an appointment with a counselor there and explains the situation. The counselor says there is a simple solution:

 

"Every time you hear your husband get home from the pub run into the kitchen and have a big sip of water from the tap. DO NOT SWALLOW THIS WATER! Simply swill it around your mouth constantly until your husband goes to bed, then you can spit it out"

 

The woman is highly doubtful but she is sick of having black eyes and a fat lip all the time so she decides to try it.

 

The next night when she hears her husband's keys in the door she runs to the kitchen and has a big swig of water. She swills it around in her mouth while her husband stumbles around and eventually he goes to bed with no incident. She is amazed and spits out the water into the sink.

 

This continues for a week or so until her bruising has faded and her lip is no longer swollen.

 

So off she goes to thank the counselor. When she gets into his office she thanks him profusely but insists on knowing the secret to the trick he taught her to which he replies:

 

"See what happens when you keep your mouth shut?"

  • Crokey, Tyla, Majestic81 and 2 others like this

KD himan
  • KD himan

    The Electro AfghaN™

  • BUSTED!
  • Joined: 06 Sep 2013
  • Vietnam

#1366

Posted 28 March 2014 - 03:09 PM

ha+ha+ha+i+dont+understand.jpg


EZza2647
  • EZza2647

    The Bus driver-opus

  • Members
  • Joined: 02 Jan 2014
  • Australia

#1367

Posted 28 March 2014 - 03:38 PM

Jum....

 

That is all


nobum62
  • nobum62

    douchebag who owns a chromed zentorno

  • Members
  • Joined: 13 Oct 2013
  • Canada

#1368

Posted 28 March 2014 - 04:46 PM

Is it racist to be afraid of the dark?
  • TECHN9CiAN likes this

AnDReJ98
  • AnDReJ98

    Soldier

  • Members
  • Joined: 18 Oct 2011
  • Serbia

#1369

Posted 28 March 2014 - 09:27 PM

What's difference between Blonde and other girls?

 

 

 

 

 

Blonde doesn't stop sucking after man cums in her mouth.


WBaker
  • WBaker

    Acatalepsis

  • Members
  • Joined: 18 Sep 2013
  • United-States

#1370

Posted 28 March 2014 - 10:06 PM

A policeman sends his wife and kid to a resort for a vacation. After a week he joined them in the hotel. As soon as he came to the hotel room he wanted to make love to his wife and gave her "the look". Whispering under her breath, the wife says "No darling, we can't do it here, our kid is watching!" Husband replies, "You're right, lets go to the beach."

After a while they make their way to the beach, they start to make love on an empty beach. All of a sudden, a policeman walks up to them. "Put your cloths on immediately, shame on you, you can't do that in public!" Embarrassed, the husband admits "You are right, but I had a moment of weakness. We hadn't seen each other for an entire week. Now, I'm a policeman too, and it would be very embarrassing if you fine me."

The cop thought for a second and said "Don't worry... you are a colleague and it is your first time. But this is the third time I caught this bitch making love on this beach in the last week and she will have to pay."
  • Tyla and nobum62 like this

TECHN9CiAN
  • TECHN9CiAN

    may His darkness be your light

  • Members
  • Joined: 03 Nov 2008
  • None

#1371

Posted 29 March 2014 - 12:50 AM

If firefighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?


This reminds me of this
10b1f33fe0bd5a8a62fb0b06457f4c9f.jpg.cf.

Linc.
  • Linc.

    Betty, don't start up with your white zone sh*t again.

  • Members
  • Joined: 19 Aug 2011
  • Australia

#1372

Posted 29 March 2014 - 12:54 AM

Three logicians walk into a bar, the bartender says "Does everyone want a drink?". The first logician says "I don't know", the second logician says "I don't know" and the third one says "Yes".

GunWrath
  • GunWrath

    Needs More Beer

  • Members
  • Joined: 15 Jun 2012
  • United-States
  • Most Helpful [Expression] 2013

#1373

Posted 29 March 2014 - 01:56 AM Edited by GunWrath, 29 March 2014 - 01:57 AM.

Read this earlier, had to post it.

 

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, “Get me a beer before it starts.”

The wife sighs and gets him a beer.

Fifteen minutes later, he says, “Get me another beer before it
starts.”

She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.

He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, “Quick, get me another beer, it’s going to start any minute.”The wife is furious. She yells at him,

Is that all you’re going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You’re nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob and furthermore . . .”

The man sighs and says, “It’s started.”

  • Tyla, Lazyboy. and W2B like this

TECHN9CiAN
  • TECHN9CiAN

    may His darkness be your light

  • Members
  • Joined: 03 Nov 2008
  • None

#1374

Posted 03 April 2014 - 08:11 PM Edited by TECHN9CiAN, 03 April 2014 - 08:12 PM.

Where does the Ku Klux Klan get their robes?

Spoiler
  • lil weasel likes this

Chips237
  • Chips237

    Ruining your lives since 1637

  • Members
  • Joined: 10 Nov 2012
  • Philippines

#1375

Posted 03 April 2014 - 08:22 PM

Three couples are at a restaurant.

The Japanese husband said to his wife, "Pass the honey, honey."

The Chinese husband said to his wife, "Pass the sugar, sugar."

The American husband said to his wife, "Pass the steak, cow."


JIMHO
  • JIMHO

    Player Hater

  • Members
  • Joined: 18 Dec 2013
  • None

#1376

Posted 03 April 2014 - 08:39 PM

  • So there’s a child molester and a little boy walking into the woods. The child molester and the little boy keep walking further and further, and it’s getting darker and darker, and they’re going deeper and deeper into the woods. The little boy looks up at the child molester and says, "Gee, mister. I’m getting scared." And the child molester looks down at him and says, "You think you’re scared, kid? I have to walk out of here alone."

  • gtamann123, TECHN9CiAN and WBaker like this

THE GHETTO JEZUS
  • THE GHETTO JEZUS

    Tape Is Love, Tape Is Life

  • BUSTED!
  • Joined: 27 Feb 2014
  • Canada

#1377

Posted 03 April 2014 - 11:13 PM

Why did the chicken do jumping jacks ?

 

Spoiler


EyeMacHunt
  • EyeMacHunt

    Tank Hunter

  • Members
  • Joined: 02 Jul 2012

#1378

Posted 04 April 2014 - 12:48 PM

A newly married couple are awaiting the results of an ultrasound. The doctor cautiously walks into the room. He looks at the couple and says:
"I have some really bad news and some really good news, which would you like to hear first? "

The couple answers:

"Please Doctor, let's hear the bad news first. ...."

So the Doctor takes a deep breath, looks down and says:

"Your Child has red hair"

The couple are devastated but remember that there is still good news to follow. "So what is the good news? " they ask.

The doctor replies;

"The good news is that your child is dead"
  • Yolo Swaggins likes this

lil weasel
  • lil weasel

    Shoot Looters, Hang Pirates!

  • Members
  • Joined: 25 Dec 2006
  • None
  • Contribution Award [San Andreas]

#1379

Posted 04 April 2014 - 03:39 PM

Cop is working Radar speed Enforcement.

He stops a driver and cites him for speeding.

The Driver says he'll see the cop in court.

At traffic court the Judge asks how the driver to pled.

"No Guilty", he says.

"Why?", says the Judge.

"There were hundreds of cars driving as fast or faster then me. Why was I the only one to get a ticket?"

The Judge turns to the Traffic Officer and repeats, "If that is true, why was he the only ticket issued?"

The Cop replies,
Spoiler

Vanto
  • Vanto

  • Members
  • Joined: 02 Nov 2013
  • None

#1380

Posted 04 April 2014 - 04:09 PM Edited by Vanto, 04 April 2014 - 04:09 PM.

A fat women and an Indian crosses.

 

The women says: ''Go back to your country!''

And the Indian says: ''I don't insult fat women, because in my country, cows are sacred''.





1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users