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The Joke Thread

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lil weasel
  • lil weasel

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#1321

Posted 09 November 2013 - 06:41 PM Edited by lil weasel, 09 November 2013 - 06:47 PM.

A Vicar and his friend, Colin were playing golf.

 

Colin misses a 3 foot putt and yells, "Goddamn it, missed the bugger!" and the vicar says, "If you keep saying that then God will punish you."

Next hole Colin misses a 2 foot putt and says "Goddamn it, missed the bugger!" and the vicar says, "ONE more time Colin, and God will punish you!"

Then Colin misses a one foot putt and "GOD DAMN IT!!! MISSED THE BUGGER!"

Suddenly clouds form overhead. God comes down from Heaven and strikes the Vicar dead with a bolt of thunder.

God says, "Damn it, Missed the bugger!"


Crazyeighties
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#1322

Posted 09 November 2013 - 10:23 PM

A Vicar and his friend, Colin were playing golf.
 
Colin misses a 3 foot putt and yells, "Goddamn it, missed the bugger!" and the vicar says, "If you keep saying that then God will punish you."
Next hole Colin misses a 2 foot putt and says "Goddamn it, missed the bugger!" and the vicar says, "ONE more time Colin, and God will punish you!"
Then Colin misses a one foot putt and "GOD DAMN IT!!! MISSED THE BUGGER!"
Suddenly clouds form overhead. God comes down from Heaven and strikes the Vicar dead with a bolt of thunder.
God says, "Damn it, Missed the bugger!"

funny!

A guy rides his horse to a bar and ties him up at the hitching post. What he doesn't know is the locals like to play jokes on the out of towers. He walks in sits down and has his beer after a little while he goes out side his horse is gone. So he walks inside the bar and says "Damn it my horse is gone I am going to have one more beer, if my horse is not back by the time I finnish my beer I'm going to have to do what I did in Texas" he sits down orders his beer, drinks it, then walks outside his horse is back where he left it. The bar tender sees this and runs out side to talk to the man. The bar tender says "You never told us what did you have to do in Texas" the man says "Well I had to walk home"

CJ killed Ryder
  • CJ killed Ryder

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#1323

Posted 10 November 2013 - 10:13 AM

Here's a joke:

What's the difference between a GTA forums mod and a sadist? Newer magazines!!! :)

Kiffster
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#1324

Posted 23 November 2013 - 06:20 AM

Mahatma Gandhi was known to frequently walk barefoot and consequently the soles of his feet became thick and very hard. He also was, of course, known to be a man of deep spiritual conviction. He undertook hunger strikes as a political protest and at times was both thin and frail. Furthermore, due to his weird diet, he suffered from bad breath. VERY bad breath.

In other words,
Spoiler
:p

Frank Brown
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#1325

Posted 24 November 2013 - 02:53 AM

My girlfriend once called me a pedophile.

 

I said, "Wow, that's a pretty big word for a 10 year old!"

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MackRotten
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#1326

Posted 24 November 2013 - 04:48 PM

Following India announcing it intends to send a rocket to Mars, NASA said it feared for the safety of the 500 astronauts who will be sitting on the roof of the craft during take-off.


stinomontana
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#1327

Posted 18 March 2014 - 03:07 PM Edited by stinomontana, 18 March 2014 - 03:08 PM.

woops


THE GHETTO JEZUS
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#1328

Posted 18 March 2014 - 03:46 PM

woops

Was that the joke ?


MarshalMoo
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#1329

Posted 18 March 2014 - 03:55 PM

 

woops

Was that the joke ?

 

I laughed!


Alhalish
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#1330

Posted 18 March 2014 - 03:59 PM

Three girls found a magic mirror that can make them disappear into nothingness if they tell a lie while looking at it.

The plump girl said, "I think I'm slim!" and then she disappeared.

The unattractive girl said, "I think I'm pretty!".and then she disappeared.
The blonde girl said, "I think-" and then she disappeared.


Eris
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#1331

Posted 18 March 2014 - 04:12 PM

Why did the scarecrow get a promotion? He was out standing in his field.

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Alhalish
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#1332

Posted 18 March 2014 - 04:16 PM

Three long bearded men with a turban walk into a bar, the barkeep says "What kind of Sikh joke is this?"


Eris
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#1333

Posted 18 March 2014 - 04:25 PM

Why was the plane plummeting towards the Earth? The pilot was a loaf of bread. 


Alhalish
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#1334

Posted 18 March 2014 - 04:28 PM

Why is there no airport in Peter Pan's home? The sign says "Neverland".

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GTA3Rockstar
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#1335

Posted 18 March 2014 - 05:38 PM

I was going to tell you a gay joke but f*ck it.


WBaker
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#1336

Posted 18 March 2014 - 06:49 PM

Five people are on a plane, four guys and one girl. Suddenly the engine stalls and they crash. Miraculously all five of them survive the crash but are stranded on a small deserted island.

Since these four guys will need to have their natural urges satisfied, they decided to make up a schedule. Each guy would get a week to dick the woman as much as possible, the next week another guy and so on. This arrangement works out great for years, satisfying both the guys and the nymphomaniac woman until she suddenly dies.

The first month went by and it was really awful; second month was really bad; third month was almost unbearable; fourth month rolls around and the guys couldn't handle it anymore so they buried her.
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ryan_J
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#1337

Posted 18 March 2014 - 07:11 PM

What do you call a bear with no teeth?

Spoiler
 

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Dbns_Finest
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#1338

Posted 18 March 2014 - 07:45 PM Edited by Lil Jacob 27, 18 March 2014 - 07:47 PM.

What do you call a bear with no teeth?

Spoiler
 

That joke was...unBEARable
Spoiler
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Eris
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#1339

Posted 18 March 2014 - 07:49 PM

Guys stop. You'll make me puma pants. 


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#1340

Posted 18 March 2014 - 08:48 PM

Why don't blind people skydive? 
 
(scroll down)
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
(keep scrolling)
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
It scares the sh!t out of the dog!

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#1341

Posted 18 March 2014 - 08:50 PM

 

Why don't blind people skydive? 
 
Spoiler

 

 

 

Never heard of spoiler tags?

 

 

 

 

 

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

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~Tiger~
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#1342

Posted 18 March 2014 - 08:51 PM

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich. 
The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".
 
"I see your eyes are working" replies the duck.
 
"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.
 
"I see your ears are working" says the duck. "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?".
 
"Certainly," says the landlord, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"
 
"I'm working on the building site across the road" explains the duck. 
The duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.
 
This continues for 2 weeks.
 
Then one day the circus comes to town. 
The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him
 
"You're with the circus aren't you? I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!"
 
"Sounds marvellous" says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call." 
 
So the next day, the duck comes into the pub.
 
The landlord says, "Hey Mr. Duck. I reckon I can line you up with a top job. Paying really good money!" 
 
"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"
 
"At the circus" says the landlord.
 
"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle" asks the duck.
 
"That's right!" says the landlord.
 
The duck looks confused..........
 
 
Spoiler
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Davo the Assassin
  • Davo the Assassin

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#1343

Posted 18 March 2014 - 10:26 PM

I saw this the other day, made me chuckle, though it is definitely rather... Niche. And by niche I mean you pretty much have to be a historian to find it funny.
Q: How many historians does it take to change a light bulb?

Spoiler

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THE GHETTO JEZUS
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#1344

Posted 18 March 2014 - 11:00 PM

You guys want to hear a joke ?

 

Spoiler

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vertical limit
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#1345

Posted 19 March 2014 - 06:08 AM

Mickey Mouse's lawyer gives me Mickey a call and tells him that he can't divorce Minnie just cause she's crazy.

Mickey replies, "I never said she was crazy, I said she was f*cking goofy!"


lil weasel
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#1346

Posted 19 March 2014 - 06:13 AM


 

DRIVING A STICK SHIFT ISN'T AUTOMATIC

I tried to warn her. I tried to tell my wife, Malathi, that
learning to drive a stick shift is much harder than an
automatic, but did she listen? Nope, she was too busy
drooling over the burgundy Subaru Legacy wagon in a dealer's
lot, convinced that THIS was the car for her, never mind
that it had an extra pedal and a gear stick that went in
more directions than Don King's hair.

"Why is it called a manual transmission?" she asked, and I
tried to think of a simple but effective explanation:
"Because every time you drive this car, you'll have to
consult the manual. Now what do you say we look for an
automatic?"

The salesman was no help. He told Malathi that he once
taught a female customer to drive a stick shift in 10
minutes. Ten minutes? That's how long it took Malathi to
realize she'd have to use both feet.

The salesman, of course, would have said just about anything
to get Malathi to buy the car. Considering it had power
locks and windows, I'm surprised he didn't call it a
semiautomatic. That would have given me a great way to get
rid of telemarketers: "If you don't stop calling me at home,
I'm going to send my wife over there with her semiautomatic.
It's got four cylinders!"

I tried to tell Malathi that it might take weeks, even
months, for her to drive the car smoothly. "Stick shifts
aren't easy," I said. But she had seen me handle a stick
shift -- I've never owned an automatic -- and she thought,
"If clumsy can do it, why can't I?"

She was soon signing the purchase agreement, beaming from
ear to ear, almost as thrilled as the salesman. And so began
one of the most frustrating periods of her life, as she
attempted, bravely, to tame the stick-shift monster. "Go!
Go! Go!" she would yell, as the car jerked and shook and
stalled, unable to grasp such simple instructions. I tried
to help, of course: "It's a Japanese car. What's the
Japanese word for 'go'?"

Growing weary of my snide remarks, she tried to hire a
professional instructor, but couldn't find one who taught
stick shift. She was stuck with me -- in a way that even
those wedding vows couldn't have prepared her. I was ready
to answer all her questions, even if I had to be blunt.

Malathi: "Why is the car making that awful grinding noise?
Did I forget to do something?"

Me: "Yes. Clutch! Clutch! Clutch!"

Malathi (gripping steering wheel tightly): "I'm clutching!
I'm clutching."

Actually, she wasn't quite that bad. I'm proud to say that
my wife improved steadily, day by day, and in just two
weeks, with a smile on her face, she was ready to try second
gear.

It wasn't long before she was cruising down the road,
switching gears with ease, wondering why her husband had
made such a fuss. Then the inevitable happened: She spotted
something red in the distance and said, "Oh no, it's a stop
sign. How do I stop this thing?"

I had to remind her that stick shifts, just like automatic
cars, are equipped with brakes, saving her the trouble
of sticking her left foot out. But what she really wanted to
know was which gear to stop in. She didn't care for my
answer: "Any gear, dear. Just make sure you stop."


Nah Tso Gud
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#1347

Posted 19 March 2014 - 09:25 AM

A guy comes home and asks his wife "hunny, what would you do if I won the lottery?" She replies "take half and leave your ass." To which the husband says "Alright, I just won 12 bucks, here's 6.... now get the **** out."


Tikhung
  • Tikhung

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#1348

Posted 19 March 2014 - 11:54 AM

Michael and Trevor standing on the top of Chilliad. Suddenly, Trevor slips and drops of the mountain. Michael screaming: "Are you okayyyy??" Trevor replies: "Don't knowwww! Still falling!!!"

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Gummy 
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#1349

Posted 19 March 2014 - 12:57 PM

(I got this from somewhere)

 

Two chemists walk into a bar.

The first one says, "I'll have some H2O."

The second says, "I'll have some water too. But why'd you order it like that? We aren't at work."

The first chemist excuses himself and weeps in the bathroom.

His assassination plot had failed

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WBaker
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#1350

Posted 19 March 2014 - 04:08 PM

I feel dumb because I had to look up that chemistry joke. If the second guy asked for H2O too or H2O2 then his drink of hydrogen peroxide would kill him. Assuming it was a sufficiently strong solution.




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