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The Joke Thread

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lil weasel
  • lil weasel

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#1291

Posted 16 July 2013 - 02:06 PM

<Knock> <Knock>
“Who’s There”
“Sheldon”
“Sheldon? Who?”
“you’re not supposed to answer until I knock three times, and then I will give a discourse on which materials are best for constructing a door, as part of my reason for knocking.”
“Our Sheldon, who?”

W2B
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#1292

Posted 16 July 2013 - 02:13 PM

Knock Knock

Who's there?

The Police. Your entire family died in a car accident

bored.gif

  • Rainbow Party likes this

GTAction99
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#1293

Posted 16 July 2013 - 02:16 PM

QUOTE (Werebot85 @ Tuesday, Jul 16 2013, 14:13)
Knock Knock

Who's there?

The Police. Your entire family died in a car accident

bored.gif

Umm........... dontgetit.gif ?

W2B
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#1294

Posted 16 July 2013 - 02:40 PM

^ That's an anti-joke

Here's another knock knocker:

“Knock Knock"

"Who's there?"

"Doctor"

"Doctor Who?"

"Yes"

Frenzzy
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#1295

Posted 16 July 2013 - 03:51 PM

Knock, knock

Who’s there?

Justin.

Justin who?

Just in the neighborhood, thought I would drop by.

Vercetti27
  • Vercetti27

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#1296

Posted 16 July 2013 - 06:52 PM

QUOTE (Frenzzy @ Tuesday, Jul 16 2013, 15:51)
Knock, knock

Who’s there?

Justin.

Justin who?

Just in the neighborhood, thought I would drop by.

why come here? theres plenty of other houses in this neighbourhood. is that a gun I see under your shirt?
i'm calling the cops

kaisersoza_66
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#1297

Posted 16 July 2013 - 10:51 PM

Q. What's the difference between a black man and a park bench?

A. A park bench can support a family.



Q. What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?

A. Nothing, you're already told her twice



Q. What's yellow and lives off dead beetles?

A. Yoko Ono



Q. What's the difference between Michael Phelps and Hitler.

A. Phelps can finish a race










dudeofSANTOS
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#1298

Posted 17 July 2013 - 03:05 AM

MEN will be MEN
.
.
.
But GIRLS will became AUNTIES

So proud to be a man.

Stardrone
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#1299

Posted 17 July 2013 - 12:21 PM

A film director decides to make a movie about famous composers. He invites Stallone, Van Damme and Schwarzenegger to play as their favorite composer.

Stallone: I always loved Mozart, I wanna be him!
Van Damme: Chopin is my all-time favorite, so I'll play Chopin!
Director: Who will you be, Arnold?
Schwarzenegger: I'll be Bach!

biggrin.gif
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MIGta
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#1300

Posted 17 July 2013 - 03:34 PM

Statistically 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

lil weasel
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#1301

Posted 17 July 2013 - 06:12 PM

You know it's hot when:
The Frozen Ice mug explodes when you take it from the freezer.
When the exhaust from your computer feels cool.

Ciaran
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#1302

Posted 17 July 2013 - 07:39 PM

Whats a sh*tzu? A Zoo with no animals lol.gif

W2B
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#1303

Posted 17 July 2013 - 08:32 PM

Ms. Brooks was having trouble with one of her first-grade pupils. "Johnny,what is your problem?" Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first Grade. My sister is in third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough, so she took Johnny to the principal's office. The principal agreed that he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.

He started by asking Johnny some simple arithmetic. "What is three times three?" "Nine, Sir." "How much is nine times six?" "Fifty-four." And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade student should know. The principal looked at Ms. Brooks and said, "I think Johnny can go to third grade! He seems smart enough."

Ms. Brooks said to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Johnny both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asked, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of? Johnny, after a moment, answered "Legs, Ma'am"

"What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" "Pockets!"

"OK,what does a dog do that a man steps into?" "Pants."

"What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?" "Coconut."

"What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny was taking charge. "Bubblegum!"

"What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?" "Shake hands, Ma'am."

"Now for some 'Who am I' sort of questions, OK? First one: You stick your pole inside me, you tie me down to get me up, and I get wet before you do." Johnny, quick as ever, answered, "Tent!"

"OK, a finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first." The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense. But Johnny was on the ball with "Wedding Ring!"

"I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good." "Nose."

"Right, I have a stiff shaft, my tip penetrates, and I come with a quiver." "Arrow."

"Good, now for the last one. What word starts with an 'F', ends in K', and means a lot of heat and excitement?" "Firetruck,Ma'am!"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "Send him to university, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"

D3ADSH0T
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#1304

Posted 18 July 2013 - 08:53 AM

^^LOL^^

kaisersoza_66
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#1305

Posted 05 August 2013 - 08:23 PM

Q. How can you tell if a black man is well hung
A. If you can't fit your fingers between his neck and the noose.

Q.How do you get a baby out of the blender?
A.Nachos.

Q.How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?
A.None

Q.Why is a Black mans eyes always red after sex?
A.From the mace

W2B
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#1306

Posted 06 August 2013 - 08:08 AM

What does a cannibal do when he dumps his girlfreind?

Wipe his ass

Ferocious Banger
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#1307

Posted 06 August 2013 - 08:51 AM Edited by Ferocious Banger, 06 August 2013 - 09:04 AM.

deleted

CajunSnipes
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#1308

Posted 08 August 2013 - 01:58 AM

Guy 1: Man, The Blind Side was a really great movie.
Guy 2: Blind Side? I forget, is it about that black kid who played tight end?
Guy 1: Offensive Line
Guy 2: Oh, sorry. African American kid...
  • TECHN9CiAN likes this

Brad Maddox
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#1309

Posted 08 August 2013 - 10:06 AM Edited by Brad Maddox, 08 August 2013 - 07:42 PM.

QUOTE (Seachmall @ Monday, Feb 9 2009, 21:22)
How do you stop a black man drowning?
Take your foot off his head

What do you if there is a headless black man running around in your garden?
Reload and shoot him again

How do you stop a baby crawling in circles?
Nail it's other hand to the floor

What's the difference between a ferrari and a box of dead babies?
There isn't a ferrari in my garage

What's black, blue and doesn't like sex?
The 5 year old in the trunk of my car


QUOTE (DeeperRed[/quote)
Trust me. This will slowly disslove into an extreamly racist thread but lets see how long before

Just doing my part ph34r.gif.

Okay maybe I over reacted but I don't like racist jokes unless they are funny as hell that wasn't funny and pissed me off but I'm a more mature guy than that so I do apologise for my earlier post and btw I'm not a pc guy and I'll laugh at almost anything that's just my sense of humor

kaisersoza_66
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#1310

Posted 08 August 2013 - 10:09 AM

QUOTE (Brad Maddox @ Thursday, Aug 8 2013, 10:06)
QUOTE (Seachmall @ Monday, Feb 9 2009, 21:22)
How do you stop a black man drowning?
Take your foot off his head

What do you if there is a headless black man running around in your garden?
Reload and shoot him again

How do you stop a baby crawling in circles?
Nail it's other hand to the floor

What's the difference between a ferrari and a box of dead babies?
There isn't a ferrari in my garage

What's black, blue and doesn't like sex?
The 5 year old in the trunk of my car


QUOTE (DeeperRed[/quote)
Trust me. This will slowly disslove into an extreamly racist thread but lets see how long before

Just doing my part ph34r.gif.

f*ck YOU AND EAT A DICK ALSO HAVE A NICE DAY BITCH

LMAO! They're just jokes bud wink.gif

TECHN9CiAN
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#1311

Posted 16 August 2013 - 02:35 PM

Little Johnny came home from school one day confused. His mother was Jewish and his father was black. So Johnny asks "Mummy am I more Jewish or more Black?" "What does it really matter? If you want to know for sure you'll just have to ask your father" his mother tells him. So, when his father arrived home from work, Little Johnny asks the same question "Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black?" "What kind of question is that?" Why do you want to know if you're more Jewish or more Black?" asks dad. "Well, it's like this dad... Tommy down the street wants to sell his bicycle for $50 and I don't know whether to talk him down to $25, or wait until it's dark and steal the thing".


--


"Hi, I'm Jane" she said. "I'm Christopher" I replied "but everyone calls me Dick for short". "How do you get Dick from Christopher?" she asked. "You ask nicely" I said.

lil weasel
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#1312

Posted 23 October 2013 - 06:29 AM

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."


ASIAN LAWYER
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#1313

Posted 23 October 2013 - 07:47 AM

Why did your father die?

 

Because I gave him AIDs.


W2B
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#1314

Posted 23 October 2013 - 07:55 AM Edited by Werebot85, 23 October 2013 - 08:10 AM.

- What's pink and bubbly and scratches at the glass?

Spoiler


- What's brown and gurgles?

Spoiler


- How many dead babies does it take to paint a house?

Spoiler


- Whats green and red, green and red, green and red?

Spoiler


- What do you do when a woman gets hit by a car?

Spoiler


:bored:

CJ killed Ryder
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#1315

Posted 07 November 2013 - 07:55 AM

A parrot says bad words. A woman says "Son, did you teach the parrot all these bad words", and the son says "No, I only told him what he wasn't allowed to say."

Vlynor
  • Vlynor

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#1316

Posted 07 November 2013 - 11:13 AM

I knew this great joke about Jonestown, but the punchline was too long.


lil weasel
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#1317

Posted 07 November 2013 - 12:34 PM Edited by lil weasel, 07 November 2013 - 12:37 PM.

  • The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
  • She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
  • A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
  • Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
  • A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
  • Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: “You stay here; I’ll go on a head.”
  • Sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: “Keep off the Grass.”
  • Two hydrogen atoms meet.  One says, “I’ve lost my electron.” The other says “Are you sure?” The first replies, “Yes, I’m positive.”
  •  
  •  
  • rofl.gif

CorporalBean675
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#1318

Posted 07 November 2013 - 01:32 PM

Where does a Bee go when it really needs to take a piss?

 

The BP Station! 

 

....

 

Yeah, I know. 


Gilligan
  • Gilligan

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#1319

Posted 07 November 2013 - 03:26 PM

A rich man and a poor man, who share the same wedding anniversary, meet on the same street corner every year while shopping for their wives' anniversary gifts.

The poor man asks the rich man what he bought this year for his wife. The rich man says, "I got her a diamond ring and a BMW. If she doesn't like the ring she can drive it back to the jewelry store in the car."

The rich man asks the poor man what he bought for his wife this year. The poor man says, "I bought her a pair of fuzzy slippers and a dildo. This way, if she doesn't like the slippers, she can go f*ck herself."

theadmiral
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#1320

Posted 07 November 2013 - 03:50 PM

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can tell from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

 

"Ms. Whack, i'd like a 30,000$ loan to take a holiday."

 

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger. His dad is Mick Jagger, and everything is ok - he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

 

The frog says "Sure, I have this." and he produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about one inch tall, bright pink, and perfectly formed.

 

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager, and heads into the back office. She approaches the bank manager and says "There is a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you, he wants to borrow 30,000$ and would like to use this as collateral." she holds up the Tiny Pink Elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?" she asks. The bank manager examines it carefully before responding.

 

"It's a knick knack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan. His old man is a rolling stone!!!"





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