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The Joke Thread

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GTAfan786
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#1201

Posted 30 March 2013 - 12:57 AM

What is an alien's favourite part of a computer?

The spacebar.



Why did the cow go in the spaceship?

It wanted to see the mooooon.

Sneakerhead.
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#1202

Posted 30 March 2013 - 11:55 AM

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while ‘the lights would turn off.’

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, ‘May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, ‘OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.’

‘Well, in that case, I’ll just look the other way,’ said the nun.

So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. !

She went to the bartender and said, ‘Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?’

‘Well, now they know you’re one of us,’ said the bartender, ‘Would you like a drink?’

‘No thank you, but, I still don’t understand,’ said the puzzled nun.

‘You see,’ laughed the bartender, ‘every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.

Now, how about that drink?’
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My English teacher said to me "Use 'harassment' in a sentence"
I replied "I was in love with this girl and harassment a lot to me"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't fit you anyway."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young woman. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic. Then, the young woman proposes, "If each of you will give me $5.00, I will show you my legs."

The men, charmed by this young woman, all pull 5 bucks out of their wallet. And then the woman pulls up her dress a bit to show her legs. Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $20.00, I'll show you my thighs,".

And men being what they are, they all pull out a twenty dollar bill. The woman pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full. Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats. Then the young woman says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis."

All three fork over the money. The woman then turned to the window and points outside at a building they're passing. "See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

For two years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money to go to Italy and secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how would he know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write ‘Spaghetti’ on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, nine months later, he come home to his confused wife. “Honey!”, she said “you received a very strange post card today.”
He said ‘just give it to me and I will explain later’. She watched as he read the card, turned white and fainted.
On the card was written:
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti
Three with meatballs, two without…send extra sauce.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'd tell you a joke about punctuation, but there's no point

Cosmic Gypsy
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#1203

Posted 01 April 2013 - 09:31 PM

Buggery is boring
Incest is relatively boring
Necrophilia is dead boring.

Travís.
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#1204

Posted 02 April 2013 - 03:05 AM

I was going to tell you a gay joke, Butt-f*ck it.

EvilFuture
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#1205

Posted 02 April 2013 - 04:11 AM Edited by gtafreak10, 02 April 2013 - 04:15 AM.

Vagina jokes aren't funny. Period.
----------------------------------------------
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
------------------------------------------------
Kid 1: Dad, why did you name me rose?
Dad: Because when you were born a rose fell on your head.
Kid 2: Dad, why did you name me Lily?
Dad: Because when you were born a lily fell on your head.
Kid 3: JDK FSU9F SUF U329R2 UJO SDFUS09DF SD
Dad: SHUT UP CINDER BLOCK!!!
-------------------------------------------------
Now for some anti jokes.

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? Where's my tractor?
--------------------------------------------------
A horse walks into a bar, several people leave because they see the danger in the situation.
-------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? The holocaust.
-----------------------------------------------------------
What did one lawyer say to the other lawyer? We're both lawyers.
---------------------------------------------------------
What's black and hangs from a tree in my backyard? A tire swing.
----------------------------------------------------------
What is a black guy who sells drugs called? A pharmacist.

Lelouch vi Britannia
  • Lelouch vi Britannia

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#1206

Posted 02 April 2013 - 07:17 PM

QUOTE (legend9090 @ Monday, Apr 1 2013, 22:05)
I was going to tell you a gay joke, Butt-f*ck it.

This.

Travís.
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#1207

Posted 02 April 2013 - 11:53 PM

QUOTE (VoiceoftheVoiceless @ Tuesday, Apr 2 2013, 19:17)
QUOTE (legend9090 @ Monday, Apr 1 2013, 22:05)
I was going to tell you a gay joke, Butt-f*ck it.

This.

Hahahaha icon14.gif

Cosmic Gypsy
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#1208

Posted 03 April 2013 - 12:04 AM

Racial prejudice is a pigment of the imagination.

vertical limit
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#1209

Posted 03 April 2013 - 08:36 PM

My friend dropped these earlier.

Know I know why black people are illiterate, it is because they hate sentences.

How do asians name there children?
The drop a spoon and take the first 2 sounds it makes.

Why is it easy to graduate from the Saudi Air Force?
Because you only need to learn how to take off.

What do you call a jew in a gas mask?
Cheater!



Crokey
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#1210

Posted 06 April 2013 - 11:32 PM

So I was along the street the other day and I saw a couple of black kids doing some graffiti on the wall, so asked them what they were doing, they said they were tagging their names, so I said cool can I join in and picked up a spray can. Well I got as far as the first three letters of my name and they then proceeded to beat the living crap out of me... they must not like the name Nigel.

GoldenBlade
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#1211

Posted 08 April 2013 - 10:38 AM

Vagina jokes are not funny. Period.

Sneakerhead.
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#1212

Posted 29 April 2013 - 11:55 PM

America: "Italy! Hey Italy! alien.gif "
Italy: "Oh, Ciao America! H- colgate.gif "
America: "What's faster, a Ferrari or a Ferdeener? rolleyes.gif "
Italy: "Ehh....What's a Ferdeener? notify.gif "
America: "........SPAGHETTI! xD"
Italy: dozingoff.gif
America: cryani.gif

WhitValid
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#1213

Posted 30 April 2013 - 05:48 AM

^^Oh my dear god lol.

What did Buddha say to the hot dog vendor?
Make me one with everything.

Don't heckle me that's all I have blush.gif

lil weasel
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#1214

Posted 22 May 2013 - 08:00 PM

A Marine walks into the head to use the urinal. When he is done, he goes to the sink to wash his hands. As he does so, he sees a Sailor walk in, use the urinal, and walk out without stopping to wash his hands. The Marine rushes out of the head and catches up with the guy.

"Didn't the Navy teach you to wash your hands after you use the head?" the Marine asks.

The Sailor gives him a blank stare and replies, "Didn't the Marine Corps teach you not to piss on your hands?"

user posted image

Ferocious Banger
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#1215

Posted 22 May 2013 - 08:15 PM

QUOTE (DropThaSystem @ Monday, Apr 8 2013, 16:08)
Vagina jokes are not funny. Period.

No. They are bloody awesome.

KiiWiiDeee
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#1216

Posted 22 May 2013 - 08:19 PM

Anyone offended by blonde jokes, don't read this

A man goes into a bar and sits down. A blonde walks in, orders 5 bottles of champagne and 10 glasses. The blonde starts shouting "51 days! 51 days!".

Suddenly, 9 more blondes walk in cheering and shouting "51 days! 51 days!". The man can't hold his curiosity any longer so he walks over to the group of blondes and says "excuse me, why are you shouting '51 days'?".
One of the blondes steps forward, holding a framed photo of a jigsaw puzzle. She says "the box says '2 years plus', but we completed it in 51 days!"

vertical limit
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#1217

Posted 22 May 2013 - 11:22 PM

What do you call a black transformer?


Niggatron

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#1218

Posted 22 May 2013 - 11:39 PM

I often come up with a lot of jokes at work, a vast majority of them chuckled into obscurity. Nevertheless, here's a couple that I remember:

Some dude asked if a specific cleaning product was available "at a much more attractive price". I took the price ticket, looked at it unimpressed and said "Well, I suppose I could slap some make-up on it and add a sexy negligee, but that's as good as it'll get!". He didn't find it as amusing as I did.

Another time a customer asked me why certain items of hot food weren't on a certain promotion. After explaining to her that it was because they were smaller and therefore cheaper, I added "And that's why I don't make as much as the other male escorts".

lil weasel
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#1219

Posted 23 May 2013 - 04:33 PM

A librarian who was fluent in English, Italian, and Spanish, as well as the 'street' lingo of each, was on a cruise ship going down the western Mexican coast; a lot of Mexicans were on board. She was relaxing on a deck chair, reading a book, when a young Mexican kid came out and started bouncing a basketball near her, occasionally landing the ball on top of her book. This happened more than once.

So she called the kid over in Spanish and told him words to the effect that if he didn't knock that off, she was going to take his ball, deflate it, throw it overboard, and then throw him overboard too. She was quite emphatic about it and cussed him out in street Spanish.

The kid started crying and ran to his mommy. He and his mom returned shortly, and the mother of the little brat started in on my friend vehemently in Spanish, telling her that she had no right to chastise her little son, etc., etc.

My friend looked up at her, and in English said "I'm sorry, ma'am, but I don't speak Spanish!"

The baffled mom grabbed her brat by the ear and marched him off, loudly accusing him on the way of being a lying little so and so!

Rizqan7
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#1220

Posted 04 June 2013 - 03:23 PM

Gumball has been make a world record

In the meanwhile, the Gumball has make a world record, and that is suck president dick.

Gumball: hello, dad
Richard: Oh, my son, what you got in the school?
Gumball: Dad, you will not believe it, i have break the world record!
Richard: Wow, thats my son, what is the world record?
Gumball: Suck president dick!
Richard: What the f*ck?! You have suck president dick?! (slap gumball)
Gumball: Aw! Thats hurt, dad!
Richard: Thats more hurt if your dad hear it!, now, you get out of here!

Then, the Gumball go to Park....

Gumball: Hello, penny, can i.... blush.gif
Penny: Gumball, what did you want to say?
Gumball: Errr.... blush.gif
Penny: Don't be shy, please say it now....
Gumball: Can i suck your pussy? inlove.gif
Penny: Oh, of course, you will enjoy that
Gumball: Penny....
Penny: Yes, Gumball....
Gumball: Do you want we make kids now? blush.gif
Penny: Thats impressive! I never making kids! Where we going to do it?
Gumball: In my home...

In journey to home....

Gumball: Yess!! Now i can sex with penny!
After in home, there is Richard, Gumball's dad stand up in front of door....
Richard: Gumball, i'm sorry what i say, now, you can freely suck president dick smile.gif
Gumball: Thanks, dad....
in bedroom....
Penny: Please, open your Chip, i want to suck your dick, honey....
Gumball: And i also suck your pussy....
After it, the room had a sound like people in sex....

Penny: Ah, thats very excited me, when we....
Gumball: Get Married?

With very shy, Gumball give the ring for his wedding with Penny as surprise, and Penny surprised!

Gumball: Do you want....
Darwin: WTF! mercie_blink.gif
Darwin: what you doing, Gumball, there was many sperm in your bed! Look!
Gumball: Please don't disturb me, i want you leave me two by two with Penny, only me and Penny in this room....
Darwin: Whatever you say its American....
Gumball: Do you want....
Richard: Gumball! Your sister Anais has suck her pussy! Please stop her! cry.gif
Gumball: Dad, can leave me two by two with Penny i have an very important message to her
Richard: Well, i hope Anais not suck my dick.... wow.gif
Gumball: Penny, do you want....
Jojo Grandmother: Gumball, your mother has go to the strip club, please help me bring this briefcase
Gumball: Please, Jojo Grandma, i want to tell very important message to Penny, please leave me and Penny
Jojo Grandmother: Okay, i can got help from Richard....
Gumball: Do you want....
Gumball: Suck President dick?
Penny: What?! mercie_blink.gif
Gumball: The president need new world record breaker, but its female, the male has been made by me....
Penny: You so evil! angry.gif i break up with you!
Gumball: Penny! Penny! Don't leave me!
Gumball: Ah, man, my love is gone....

In the next day, at School....

T-Rex: Penny, why you cry?
Penny: The Gumball order me to suck President! cryani.gif
T-Rex: Chill out, sis....
Gumball: Penny, i want to.... wow.gif
Penny: What did you want to say?! Huh?!
Gumball: Penny, don't be angry, i just want to tell you to suck my dick, not president dick....
Penny: Suck your own dick! Now, leave me alone! (slap Gumball face)
Gumball: Please don't make break up....
Penny: This is the end of our love! Numbnuts!!!!
Banana: What you all talking about? Look this!
Banana: Look at this picture! O O
____
Banana: That was funny, isn't it? biggrin.gif
Gumball: No, but, the face is so mugshot and thats like you!
Banana: cryani.gif

In Home....
Richard: Gumball, your relationship with your love ended?
Gumball: Yeah, as i think :I
Richard: Well, to remove boring, now suck my dick....
Gumball: WHAT?! cry.gif
THE END tounge.gif

OHDUDE
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#1221

Posted 04 June 2013 - 03:32 PM

John has got a leg fracture. His 2 hot sisters are enjoying in their bedroom upstairs.

His friend Jack comes to meet him. John asks Jack to get his slippers from upstairs.

Jack goes there and tells the girls "Your brother has sent me upstairs to have sex with you both."
the sisters say "prove it."

Jack shouts at john " BOTH OF THEM ?"

John says "OF COURSE FOOL! WHAT's THE USE OF f*ckING ONE!"

Rizqan7
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#1222

Posted 04 June 2013 - 03:34 PM

QUOTE (OHDUDE @ Tuesday, Jun 4 2013, 23:32)
John has got a leg fracture. His 2 hot sisters are enjoying in their bedroom upstairs.

His friend Jack comes to meet him. John asks Jack to get his slippers from upstairs.

Jack goes there and tells the girls "Your brother has sent me upstairs to have sex with you both."
the sisters say "prove it."

Jack shouts at john " BOTH OF THEM ?"

John says "OF COURSE FOOL! WHAT's THE USE OF f*ckING ONE!"

Can you sex with both of them? Of course you can! Just sex the one, and give the another dildo! tounge.gif

roebuck34
  • roebuck34

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#1223

Posted 04 June 2013 - 03:57 PM

cant remeber if i posted this joke or some other one anyways, Three nazis walk into a BAR each take a shot c:

Calvin Backer
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#1224

Posted 04 June 2013 - 04:40 PM

Im so far behind on Breaking Bad Im still on Malcom in the Middle.

Vercetti42
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#1225

Posted 05 June 2013 - 06:03 PM

QUOTE (Rizqan7 @ Tuesday, Jun 4 2013, 20:53)
Gumball has been make a world record

In the meanwhile, the Gumball has make a world record, and that is suck president dick.

Gumball: hello, dad
Richard: Oh, my son, what you got in the school?
Gumball: Dad, you will not believe it, i have break the world record!
Richard: Wow, thats my son, what is the world record?
Gumball: Suck president dick!
Richard: What the f*ck?! You have suck president dick?! (slap gumball)
Gumball: Aw! Thats hurt, dad!
Richard:  Thats more hurt if your dad hear it!, now, you get out of here!

Then, the Gumball go to Park....

Gumball: Hello, penny, can i.... blush.gif
Penny: Gumball, what did you want to say?
Gumball: Errr.... blush.gif
Penny: Don't be shy, please say it now....
Gumball: Can i suck your pussy? inlove.gif
Penny: Oh, of course, you will enjoy that
Gumball: Penny....
Penny: Yes, Gumball....
Gumball: Do you want we make kids now? blush.gif
Penny: Thats impressive! I never making kids! Where we going to do it?
Gumball: In my home...

In journey to home....

Gumball: Yess!! Now i can sex with penny!
After in home, there is Richard, Gumball's dad stand up in front of door....
Richard: Gumball, i'm sorry what i say, now, you can freely suck president dick smile.gif
Gumball: Thanks, dad....
in bedroom....
Penny: Please, open your Chip, i want to suck your dick, honey....
Gumball: And i also suck your pussy....
After it, the room had a sound like people in sex....

Penny: Ah, thats very excited me, when we....
Gumball: Get Married?

With very shy, Gumball give the ring for his wedding with Penny as surprise, and Penny surprised!

Gumball: Do you want....
Darwin: WTF! mercie_blink.gif
Darwin: what you doing, Gumball, there was many sperm in your bed! Look!
Gumball: Please don't disturb me, i want you leave me two by two with Penny, only me and Penny in this room....
Darwin: Whatever you say its American....
Gumball: Do you want....
Richard: Gumball! Your sister Anais has suck her pussy! Please stop her! cry.gif
Gumball: Dad, can leave me two by two with Penny i have an very important message to her
Richard: Well, i hope Anais not suck my dick.... wow.gif
Gumball: Penny, do you want....
Jojo Grandmother: Gumball, your mother has go to the strip club, please help me bring this briefcase
Gumball: Please, Jojo Grandma, i want to tell very important message to Penny, please leave me and Penny
Jojo Grandmother: Okay, i can got help from Richard....
Gumball: Do you want....
Gumball: Suck President dick?
Penny: What?! mercie_blink.gif
Gumball: The president need new world record breaker, but its female, the male has been made by me....
Penny: You so evil! angry.gif i break up with you!
Gumball: Penny! Penny! Don't leave me!
Gumball: Ah, man, my love is gone....

In the next day, at School....

T-Rex: Penny, why you cry?
Penny: The Gumball order me to suck President! cryani.gif
T-Rex: Chill out, sis....
Gumball: Penny, i want to.... wow.gif
Penny: What did you want to say?! Huh?!
Gumball: Penny, don't be angry, i just want to tell you to suck my dick, not president dick....
Penny: Suck your own dick! Now, leave me alone! (slap Gumball face)
Gumball: Please don't make break up....
Penny: This is the end of our love! Numbnuts!!!!
Banana: What you all talking about? Look this!
Banana: Look at this picture! O    O
                                                      ____
Banana: That was funny, isn't it? biggrin.gif
Gumball: No, but, the face is so mugshot and thats like you!
Banana: cryani.gif

In Home....
Richard: Gumball, your relationship with your love ended?
Gumball: Yeah, as i think :I
Richard: Well, to remove boring, now suck my dick....
Gumball: WHAT?! cry.gif
THE END tounge.gif

For the love of sanity please stop posting.

Jimmy_Leppard
  • Jimmy_Leppard

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#1226

Posted 05 June 2013 - 06:06 PM Edited by Jimmy_Leppard, 05 June 2013 - 06:14 PM.

QUOTE (Calvin Backer @ Tuesday, Jun 4 2013, 16:40)
Im so far behind on Breaking Bad Im still on Malcom in the Middle.

Oh man, that is a good one. That is a good one ! icon14.gif


Anyway. How do you keep a moron curious?

I'll tell you tomorrow.

gtamad8
  • gtamad8

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#1227

Posted 05 June 2013 - 09:17 PM

QUOTE (Jimmy_Leppard @ Wednesday, Jun 5 2013, 18:06)
QUOTE (Calvin Backer @ Tuesday, Jun 4 2013, 16:40)
Im so far behind on Breaking Bad Im still on Malcom in the Middle.

Oh man, that is a good one. That is a good one ! icon14.gif


Anyway. How do you keep a moron curious?

I'll tell you tomorrow.

So old man, last time I heard it I fell off my dinosaur.

Flynny
  • Flynny

    Where is Jessica Hyde?

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#1228

Posted 05 June 2013 - 09:51 PM

QUOTE (gtamad8 @ Wednesday, Jun 5 2013, 22:17)
QUOTE (Jimmy_Leppard @ Wednesday, Jun 5 2013, 18:06)
QUOTE (Calvin Backer @ Tuesday, Jun 4 2013, 16:40)
Im so far behind on Breaking Bad Im still on Malcom in the Middle.

Oh man, that is a good one. That is a good one ! icon14.gif


Anyway. How do you keep a moron curious?

I'll tell you tomorrow.

So old man, last time I heard it I fell off my dinosaur.

shame really, because you seemed curious at the time

LittleBlueTroll
  • LittleBlueTroll

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#1229

Posted 05 June 2013 - 11:25 PM

Knock Knock
Who's there?
It's the doorbell repair man.


DarthShinobi
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#1230

Posted 06 June 2013 - 12:57 AM

QUOTE (Jimmy_Leppard @ Wednesday, Jun 5 2013, 18:06)
QUOTE (Calvin Backer @ Tuesday, Jun 4 2013, 16:40)
Im so far behind on Breaking Bad Im still on Malcom in the Middle.

Oh man, that is a good one. That is a good one ! icon14.gif


Anyway. How do you keep a moron curious?

I'll tell you tomorrow.

Can you just tell me now? I won't be home all today tomorrow. confused.gif




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