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The Joke Thread

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GTA-King
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#1171

Posted 12 March 2013 - 04:58 AM

lil weasel is the new Slamman to me! inlove.gif

OT: A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to f*ck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

The Pizza Delivery Guy
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#1172

Posted 12 March 2013 - 05:22 AM

How many people does it take to screw in a light bulb for Jay Z?

99, but a bitch ain't one

Ziggy455
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#1173

Posted 12 March 2013 - 06:10 AM

Knock knock
Who's there?
The interrupting doctor...
The interrupti-
You have gohnorhea!

Boss Falcone
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#1174

Posted 13 March 2013 - 12:46 AM

Here Goes

A bus full of house wives crashed and all died on the spot. All husbands cried
for a week but one man continued crying for 20 more weeks. Eventually his
friend asked him the reason? He said "Because I regret that
my wife MISSED that bus."


About My Signature don't ask

King Kapone
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#1175

Posted 13 March 2013 - 11:22 AM

QUOTE (lil weasel @ Monday, Mar 4 2013, 06:53)
Q: what is the difference between George Washington, Nixon, and Clinton?

A:
George Washington could never tell a lie,
Nixon could never tell the truth,
Bill Clinton could never tell the difference!

I think this one can be improved by changing George Washington to Abraham Lincoln. icon14.gif

K, my turn.

Why did the man put his money in the freezer?

He wanted cold hard cash!




Right. I'll see my way out. blush.gif

H.I.M.
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#1176

Posted 13 March 2013 - 11:27 AM

An old man was laying on his death bed. With only hours to live, he suddenly noticed the scent of chocolate chip cookies coming from the kitchen. With his last bit of energy, the old man pulled himself out from his bed, across the floor to the stairs, and down the stairs to the kitchen.

There, the old man's wife was baking chocolate chip cookies. With his last ounce of energy, the old man reached for a cookie. His wife, however, quickly smacked him across the back of his hand, and exclaimed, "Leave them alone, they're for the funeral!"

lil weasel
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#1177

Posted 16 March 2013 - 02:01 AM

I remember hearing of a family by the name of SMITH, they spelled it J O N E S. They couldn't help it, as they were illiterate.

Ziggy455
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#1178

Posted 16 March 2013 - 02:09 AM

My wife was fuming at me as I stumbled in drunk tonight.

She said, "What's that lipstick on your collar?"

I said, "Oh that was the classy girl I f*cked 30 minutes ago."

"What?!" she screamed.

"I'm kidding!" I replied, "She wasn't classy, she was a hooker."


Less than 1 month without a pope and we've already cured HIV.

WhitValid
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#1179

Posted 16 March 2013 - 02:36 AM

why don't witches wear underwear?

WhitValid
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#1180

Posted 16 March 2013 - 02:45 AM

So they have a better grip.

H.I.M.
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#1181

Posted 16 March 2013 - 03:01 AM

Q: How can you tell if your girlfriend really likes you?

A: If you stick your hand in her pants and it feels like you're feeding a horse.

Billy james
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#1182

Posted 16 March 2013 - 03:02 AM

I know a good joke

Saints Row The Third

Lazyboy.
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#1183

Posted 16 March 2013 - 01:04 PM

Tesco are giving treble points on your Clubcard for all burgers and petrol, starting today.

The deal is called Only Fuel and Horses.


Master of San Andreas
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#1184

Posted 16 March 2013 - 01:07 PM

Saints Row 4 will sell ____ times more than GTA V?

20x10+50+50+30-7+3+3x0 times more!

Which is basically zero

Flynny
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#1185

Posted 16 March 2013 - 01:09 PM Edited by NateShaw92, 16 March 2013 - 01:11 PM.

QUOTE (Master of San Andreas @ Saturday, Mar 16 2013, 13:07)
Saints Row 4 will sell ____ times more than GTA V?

20x10+50+50+30-7+3+3x0 times more!

Which is basically zero

that is actually 326
you see you forgot about BODMAS
or BIDMAS depends where you are from

because of the order in which you carry out the function the x0 only affects the last 3, not the whole thing monocle.gif

Master of San Andreas
  • Master of San Andreas

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#1186

Posted 16 March 2013 - 01:10 PM

QUOTE (NateShaw92 @ Saturday, Mar 16 2013, 18:39)
QUOTE (Master of San Andreas @ Saturday, Mar 16 2013, 13:07)
Saints Row 4 will sell ____ times more than GTA V?

20x10+50+50+30-7+3+3x0 times more!

Which is basically zero

that is actually 326
you see you forgot about BODMAS
or BIDMAS depends where you are from

I was implying that any number multiplied with zero gives zero.

Gilligan
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#1187

Posted 16 March 2013 - 01:11 PM Edited by Prominent Fate, 16 March 2013 - 01:17 PM.

Did you meet my girlfriend yet? Yeah, me neither.

Flynny
  • Flynny

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#1188

Posted 16 March 2013 - 01:11 PM

QUOTE (Master of San Andreas @ Saturday, Mar 16 2013, 13:10)
QUOTE (NateShaw92 @ Saturday, Mar 16 2013, 18:39)
QUOTE (Master of San Andreas @ Saturday, Mar 16 2013, 13:07)
Saints Row 4 will sell ____ times more than GTA V?

20x10+50+50+30-7+3+3x0 times more!

Which is basically zero

that is actually 326
you see you forgot about BODMAS
or BIDMAS depends where you are from

I was implying that any number multiplied with zero gives zero.

correct, but in this case it is only the 3 that does that, not the whole function. the rest of the function remains
and comes out to 326
I'll be honest
your joke is a lot funnier this way smile.gif lol.gif

H.I.M.
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#1189

Posted 16 March 2013 - 01:15 PM

A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away. As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for 10 more years and then dies. They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.

As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"


lol.gif lol.gif lol.gif lol.gif

Ari Gold
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#1190

Posted 20 March 2013 - 01:41 PM

A Spaniard, an Italian and a Greek are having dinner at a restaurant. Who pays for the bill?

The German.

H.I.M.
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#1191

Posted 20 March 2013 - 01:56 PM

What happened when the soldier went into an enemy bar?

He got bombed.

Stephan90
  • Stephan90

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#1192

Posted 20 March 2013 - 02:14 PM Edited by Stephan123, 20 March 2013 - 03:34 PM.

What is worse than seven babys in a trash can?

One baby in seven trash cans

Cosmic Gypsy
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#1193

Posted 26 March 2013 - 07:14 PM

3 naked fighting lesbians fell into my bath tub...
I tried really hard but could only knock one out..




Why can't you fool an aborted foetus?
Because it wasn't born yesterday..




Whats green, seven foot tall and sits in the corner?
The incredible sulk..




What do baby apes sleep in?
Apricots.

gtamad8
  • gtamad8

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#1194

Posted 28 March 2013 - 07:34 PM

These aren't jokes. These are things you'd read from a jokebook. I expected to see more stand up routine jokes, more thought and effort put into them.

Oddsock
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#1195

Posted 28 March 2013 - 08:44 PM

QUOTE (gtamad8 @ Thursday, Mar 28 2013, 14:34)
These aren't jokes. These are things you'd read from a jokebook. I expected to see more stand up routine jokes, more thought and effort put into them.

Are you going to contribute or just be a little sh*t and complain about the content everyone else is providing? We're not here to entertain you.

************

Two cows are in a field and one says, "This whole mad cow disease thing going on is scary, isn't it?"

And the other one says, "Yeah, good thing I'm a helicopter!"

Lazyboy.
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#1196

Posted 28 March 2013 - 08:51 PM

QUOTE (OdDsOcK @ Thursday, Mar 28 2013, 20:44)
QUOTE (gtamad8 @ Thursday, Mar 28 2013, 14:34)
These aren't jokes. These are things you'd read from a jokebook. I expected to see more stand up routine jokes, more thought and effort put into them.

Are you going to contribute or just be a little sh*t and complain about the content everyone else is providing? We're not here to entertain you.

************

Two cows are in a field and one says, "This whole mad cow disease thing going on is scary, isn't it?"

And the other one says, "Yeah, good thing I'm a helicopter!"

Dear Oddsock.

This post failed to fulfill my entertainment needs.

Please do not post anything else that bores me, or I will be compelled to overlook your posts in The Joke Thread, as your negative vibe is highly disconcerting.

Yours, Cameron.

---



Classic sh*tty "yo mama" joke time.

"Yo mama so black when she came in the car the oil light came on"

"Yo mama so fat when she blocked the road and I swerved it used up the whole tank"

Oddsock
  • Oddsock

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#1197

Posted 28 March 2013 - 10:09 PM

QUOTE (LazyboyEight @ Thursday, Mar 28 2013, 15:51)
[SIZE=3][color=#9999FF]Dear Oddsock.

This post failed to fulfill my entertainment needs.

Please do not post anything else that bores me, or I will be compelled to overlook your posts in The Joke Thread, as your negative vibe is highly disconcerting.

Yours, Cameron.

Aw man, guess I better go back to trying to get celebrities to talk to me on Twitter cryani.gif suicidal.gif cryani.gif suicidal.gif rampage_ani.gif rampage_ani.gif rampage_ani.gif

---

A man is feeling lonely so he decides to go buy a parrot to talk to and teach new things. When he enters the pet store he sees all kinds of expensive exotic parrots, but there is one parrot whose cage is covered and the price tag is inordinately cheap. He inquires about it to the store owner.

"What's wrong with this parrot?" he asks.

"Oh, well bird is perfectly healthy and it doesn't attack or anything, but its previous owner discovered it has a horrid habit of swearing and I've been unable to get it a home because of it. At this point I'm willing to cut my losses and sell it for so low."

The man takes the bird's language as a challenge and buys it, figuring it surely can't be that bad. Unfortunately, as soon as he gets home and takes the cover off the cage, the bird looks around and starts swearing like a sailor.

"Where the f*ck am I? What the f*ck is this? You're my new owner? You look like a real prick. f*cking great." the parrot says.

"HEY," the man yells, "you are not going to talk like that in this house."

"Or what, you dumb f*ck?" the parrot asks.

"This is your last warning, parrot. If you swear again I'll lock you in the freezer."

"Yeah right, you couldn't if you wanted to you spineless cocksucker."

As soon as the parrot finishes his sentence, the man takes the cage over to his freezer and pops it in. Behind the shut door the parrot squawks for a good five minutes straight, but the man pays it no mind and waits until ten minutes is up before opening the freezer. When he does, the parrot looks at him humbly and starts speaking in a soft tone.

"...I'm sorry for my language mister. It's just, I've been through a lot of trauma. I don't trust anyone anymore and so I swear to push people away so I don't get too attached. I hope you understand."

The man nods and takes the bird out. "It's all right," he says. The bird bobs his head up and down graciously, but then gets serious again and says,

"But sir, if you don't mind me asking...what did the chicken do?"

Lazyboy.
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#1198

Posted 28 March 2013 - 10:15 PM

That one took me a good two minutes to understand. Good joke nonetheless XD

The_Anti-tragedy
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#1199

Posted 30 March 2013 - 12:45 AM

Yo mama joke time!
Yo mama so fat she ripped a hole in the space-time continuum.
Yo mama so fat when she entered a fat contest, she came in first, second, and third.
Yo mama so stupid she got hit by a parked car.
Yo mama so black when she walks the streets they have to put the street lights on all day.
Yo mama so fat every time she takes a step, they add a new country to the world.
Yo mama so fat, we've found a new planet in the solar system.
Yo mama so fat, compared to her, Jupiter is as small as an atom.

roebuck34
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#1200

Posted 30 March 2013 - 12:55 AM

More of a pun, Three nazis walk into a BAR each take a shot!




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