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The Joke Thread

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    When in doubt don't pull out.

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#901

Posted 27 March 2012 - 11:04 PM

yo mama is like an arcade game, everyone gets a turn.

DatassGTA
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#902

Posted 27 March 2012 - 11:05 PM

A man and a little girl are walking through a dark forest, the little girl turns to the man and says "I'm scared" the man says "Your scared?! I'm the one who has to walk back alone!"

I asked a pretty, young, homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile. The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.

I locked my keys in my car outside of an abortion clinic the other night. It turns out they get really pissed when you go in and ask them for a coat hanger.

my lesbian neighbors asked me what i wanted for my birthday...they gave me a rolex, i guess they misunderstood when i said "i wanna watch"

Why did Amy drop her ice cream? Because she was hit by a bus.

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Not Amy.

A priest, a rabbi, and a horse walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, a joke?

A man walks into a bar, and realizes his alcoholism is destroying his family.

lil weasel
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#903

Posted 04 April 2012 - 09:07 PM

What did the short stool say to the tall chair?
Hi, Chair!

What did the beetle say to the windscreen?
That's me all over!

What did the Calf say to the Silo?
Is my fodder in there?

Bernard Jazz
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#904

Posted 04 April 2012 - 09:59 PM

What did the retard say to his dog?

HRRAAHGHHH HANYAAA NYURRRRRR!!!!111!

BrentD15
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#905

Posted 09 April 2012 - 10:23 PM

What do you call a racist joke?
Bad Taste.

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#906

Posted 11 April 2012 - 07:57 PM

How many Jews did Hitler kill?
Not Enough


How long does it take for a black woman to take a sh*t?
9 months


Whats the difference between Harry Potter and a Jew?
Harry Potter escaped the chambers


Whats the difference between a Mexican and a printer?
A printer has its papers

Mr.Funny12
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#907

Posted 12 April 2012 - 02:29 AM

You know what they say, when a Polock throws a grenade at you what do you do?

Pull the pin and throw it back.

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#908

Posted 12 April 2012 - 04:49 AM

What do you call a white man with a big dick?
Michael Jackson.

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#909

Posted 12 April 2012 - 10:10 AM

How was the Grand Canyon formed?

A Jew dropped a nickel down a gopher hole.

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#910

Posted 15 April 2012 - 08:29 PM

How many Nazis did the Russians kill?
Not enough.

AtomicPunk
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#911

Posted 15 April 2012 - 09:56 PM

Ollie was a wrestler in highschool and had a big wrestling competition coming up and his opponent was known for inventing a move called 'The Octopus Hold' and no one has ever escaped from it.
As soon as the match started, he got Ollie in the octopus hold.
Ollie was embarrassed because for the first time his dad come to watch him wrestle and he didn't want to lose. He looked up and saw a pair of nuts hangin' down......So he bit'em!
He got out of the octopus hold--the first time that it had ever been broken and his coach came running up and asked " How the hell did you get out of that? This is unbelievable!"
Ollie said "well, I looked up and saw this set of nuts and I bit'em! You wouldn't believe the energy you get when you bite yourself in the nuts!"

Ollie Joe Prater
?-1991

lil weasel
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#912

Posted 16 April 2012 - 05:53 PM

Why do transvestites love Christmas?
Because it's a time to Eat, Drink, and be Mary!

BrentD15
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#913

Posted 16 April 2012 - 10:35 PM

In WW2 Germany, YOU try to take over WORLD.
In Cold War Germany, WORLD try to take over YOU.

lil weasel
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#914

Posted 25 May 2012 - 12:57 AM

What do you call a Dog without legs?

Call it what ever you want because it ain't going to come to you anyway.

IM_YOUR_GOD
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#915

Posted 25 May 2012 - 01:52 PM

What happens when you put Bush and Dick together?


Your going to get f*cked smile.gif

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#916

Posted 25 May 2012 - 02:55 PM

why are black people so tall? cause there KNEE-GROWS.

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#917

Posted 25 May 2012 - 02:56 PM

user posted image

lil weasel
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#918

Posted 18 June 2012 - 12:53 AM

What's Black and White, red all over, and crawls through the grass.

a mugged Nun

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#919

Posted 19 June 2012 - 12:46 AM

Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a cork stuck in his butt. He says " How'd you get a cork stuck in your butt man!? That's jammed to the rim. " The other guy says, I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a white man in a turban came oozing out. He said, "I am Tuki, Arabian Genie, I can grant you one wish." And I said, "No sh*t."

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#920

Posted 19 June 2012 - 08:08 AM

Gerry and Kate have mentioned that there will be a spare place at the dinner table this Christmas. Well, let me tell you, if there had been a spare place at that f*cking tapas restaurant you'd probably still have a daughter!

Adriaan
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#921

Posted 19 June 2012 - 04:25 PM

I made a meme:
user posted image

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#922

Posted 19 June 2012 - 05:26 PM

Funny Picture Topic mate.

lil weasel
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#923

Posted 24 June 2012 - 07:35 AM Edited by lil weasel, 28 June 2012 - 03:04 PM.

When Irv passed a certain intersection he thought he detected a flash.
He presumed it was a photo enforcement device. But he wasn't speeding nor had he gone through a red light.
He circled back and driving slower he passed the same point at a slower speed. Again the flash.
Well, he was going to have some fun with this since he knew he didn't do a violation, as the light was definitly Green.
So he circled back again, and crept very slowly throught the intersection. The same result.
He laughed all the way home thinking of he was going to show them up and maybe sue.
A week later he got the letter from the Traffic Enforcement Committee
How opened the letter and sure enough there were THREE citations for Failure to Wear Seatbelt.

Wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.

Businesses, and Politics, however, often try other strategies. Such as...

1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Saying things like "This is the way we always have ridden this horse"
4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
6. Increasing the standards to ride dead horses.
7. Appointing a tiger team to revive the dead horse.
8. Creating a training session to increase our riding ability.
9. Comparing the state of dead horses in today's environment.
10. Change the requirements declaring that "This horse is not dead".
11. Hire contractors to ride the dead horse.
12. Harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed.
13. Declaring that "No horse is too dead to beat."
14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance.
15. Do a CA Study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper.
16. Purchase a product to make dead horses run faster.
17. Declare the horse is now "better, faster and cheaper."
18. Form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses.
19. Revisit the performance requirements for horses.
20. Say this horse was procured with cost as an independent variable.
21. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.

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#924

Posted 09 July 2012 - 05:44 PM

A priest, a paedophile and a rapist walks into a bar.

He orders a drink.

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#925

Posted 09 July 2012 - 07:38 PM

Q: Why do you need a triangular coffin for a dead blonde? A: Cause when the lights go off, the legs will spread.

Benny26
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#926

Posted 15 July 2012 - 12:53 AM

I said to my girlfriend, "Please get me a newspaper." "Don't be silly," she replied, "you can borrow my iPad."

That spider never knew what f*cking hit it.

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#927

Posted 16 July 2012 - 07:50 PM

A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which sat a rather plump and very ugly woman. "Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she said.

No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye. "Screw me hard or climb the ladder to success," she said. "Well," thought the man, "might as well carry on."

On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was quite attractive. "Screw me now or climb the ladder to success," she uttered. As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went.

On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot. "Screw me here and now or climb the ladder to success," she flirted. Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head.

"Who are you?" the man asked.

"Hello" said the ugly fat man, "I'm Cess!"

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#928

Posted 16 July 2012 - 08:27 PM Edited by NateShaw92, 16 July 2012 - 08:29 PM.

In America at a 7eleven I bought a bag of 'potato chips' (as in crisps) and a 6 pack of doctor pepper. I went to the counter, let's call the man behind the counter girish, kidding let's call him 'man'
me: so what does that come to?
man: You do the math
me: [gives him my trademark side glance] you mean do the maths, one has 5 letters one has 4
manL what's the difference?
me: 1, you do the math... sssssss

Los Santos Pedestrian
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#929

Posted 16 July 2012 - 09:49 PM

QUOTE (Girish @ Monday, Jul 16 2012, 19:50)
joke

Why couldn't he just climb back down the ladder?

theomenofficial
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#930

Posted 16 July 2012 - 10:06 PM

QUOTE (Girish @ Monday, Jul 16 2012, 19:50)
A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which sat a rather plump and very ugly woman. "Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she said.

No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye. "Screw me hard or climb the ladder to success," she said. "Well," thought the man, "might as well carry on."

On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was quite attractive. "Screw me now or climb the ladder to success," she uttered. As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went.

On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot. "Screw me here and now or climb the ladder to success," she flirted. Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head.

"Who are you?" the man asked.

"Hello" said the ugly fat man, "I'm Cess!"

What was the joke? That there was a fat person?




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