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Freedom

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Eminence
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#1

Posted 22 September 2008 - 02:51 PM Edited by Eminence, 14 July 2009 - 10:20 PM.

~!

Oxidizer
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#2

Posted 22 September 2008 - 03:00 PM

Emmy! biggrin.gif What a pleasant suprise.

I haven't got a clue as to what "they" are but I'm almost certain that the survivor is going to use that blade on themself. Am I close?

Chickstick
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#3

Posted 22 September 2008 - 05:07 PM

QUOTE (Eminence @ Sep 22 2008, 15:51)
Not a sound encroaches but the desperate and subtle moaning of the wind, alive with anguish. Like the black sky enveloping the anarchy below, the silence spreads as the wind fades away; fading further; further into darkness.

I love that opening paragraph.

First time I've logged in for a while, and a nice first read. While I suppose one could argue that the plot wasn't really "going anywhere", the wonderful description and vocabulary renders that observation pointless. And really, does a shorter piece really need to have that much plot progression?

I'll re-read this and hopefully work out who "they" are. A good read, Phil, a very good read.

Eminence
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#4

Posted 22 September 2008 - 05:50 PM Edited by Eminence, 22 September 2008 - 05:55 PM.

QUOTE (Chickstick @ Sep 22 2008, 18:07)
While I suppose one could argue that the plot wasn't really "going anywhere", the wonderful description and vocabulary renders that observation pointless. And really, does a shorter piece really need to have that much plot progression?

If you figure it out, this will become a fairly redundant statement. tounge.gif

Thanks for the compliments, guys.

Vercetti21
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#5

Posted 22 September 2008 - 06:19 PM

Hmm. I've read it twice and I've yet to figure out who "they" are. I know it's almost all metaphorical, and there's a reason you're relating them to zombies. Hmm.

Excellent writing as always. I haven't read any of the other pieces for this month's competition so my vote will be nulled, but I like this. My only complaint would be that there was slightly too much repetition at times. It didn't really interrupt the flow of the writing but it did get somewhat pesky reading the same few phrases again and again. But the form and sentence structure work great for this piece; I love the choppy, to-the-point fashion of writing especially for the darker stories such as this one and Struff's All is Darkness.

Eminence
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#6

Posted 22 September 2008 - 06:22 PM

QUOTE (Vercetti21 @ Sep 22 2008, 19:19)
My only complaint would be that there was slightly too much repetition at times. It didn't really interrupt the flow of the writing but it did get somewhat pesky reading the same few phrases again and again.

Read my above post regarding the statement being redundant if you figure it out. Do you honestly think I'd consciously put in pesky sounding repetition? Yes, of course I would - it's there for a reason. wink.gif

mark-2007
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#7

Posted 22 September 2008 - 07:12 PM

Hmmm, this has me confused. I've thought of just people in general, rats, and even headlice (yeah, I think I'm clutching at straws on that one!), haha. I'm determined to try figure out what it is.

Despite that, I really liked the way it was written and it had those short phrases going on almost as if we were inside the character's mind and he was thinking all the time, adding thoughts constantly.

saltinespike
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#8

Posted 22 September 2008 - 08:07 PM

Thank you all for further exalting your mental incapacity and a thanks to myself for exalting my doucheness. smile.gif

He's a schizo.

Wanted Assailant
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#9

Posted 22 September 2008 - 09:11 PM

You have an unbreakable metaphor. Unless you actually reveal who truly are "they", THEY can be whatever who we wish to be. Seriously, I can think of a bunch things that can fit this regardlessly.

icon14.gif

Struff Bunstridge
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#10

Posted 23 September 2008 - 08:22 AM

QUOTE
But if Im in control, why am I so hungry?


QUOTE
Ive got a serrated knife and it might get stuck, so Id only be able to inflict one wound. That means I should go straight for the neck, because the wrist might not be as effective as one would immediately hope.


I think these phrases are key to figuring out what's going on. The first makes me think of someone on some sort of crash diet, suffering food withdrawal of some kind, but that seems unlikely on balance. As far as the second quote goes, there's a reason why your protagonist would expect a blow to the wrist to disable whatever's attacking him, but I can't for the life of me fathom what it might be.

The only grammar point I'd make would be to say that in this dentence:

QUOTE
Theyre programmed that way, the way a virus manipulates cells into doing exactly as theyre ordered to do so.


the words I've put in italics seem awkward, and could be dispensed with altogether.

Other than that, the structuring of the paragraphs is excellent, and I enjoyed being dropped into a scene with little obvious explanation, and then wrenched out of it just as suddenly. Good work, Em. smile.gif

Eminence
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#11

Posted 23 September 2008 - 03:15 PM

Hmm, I can understand what you're saying about the whole 'to do so' thing - it might sound better without altogether. Although, I don't get why you find them awkward - it's almost a stock phrase, 'to do so'. After re-reading it, I do agree it would sound better finishing the sentence with 'ordered', but I still feel it makes perfect sense with the additional phrase.

As for the quote you mentioned - and not being able to figure out what the wrist means - that's the second part of the whole hidden meaning to the piece.

As Ryan stated, he's schizophrenic. However, the real action of the story is in the end - where he uses the knife on himself, committing suicide. The story therefore stems from the fact that he's driven himself to suicide simply due to his own invention and paranoia.

Struff Bunstridge
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#12

Posted 23 September 2008 - 03:18 PM

I agree that the phrase 'to do so' is pretty stock, it just seemed a little leaden used in that context, is all.

And, aha. I see now what you were driving at. re-reading it, it makes perfect sense. Great piece!

Eminence
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#13

Posted 23 September 2008 - 03:29 PM

QUOTE (Struff Bunstridge @ Sep 23 2008, 16:18)
I agree that the phrase 'to do so' is pretty stock, it just seemed a little leaden used in that context, is all.

To be honest, I do understand your point clearly the more I read it; it seems to make less contextual sense the more I try to take it in.

Glad it makes sense to you, too. I was wondering whether that fact was made clear enough when people have read it and not quite got onto it, but to know that it does make sense in the end is comforting.

Lochie_old
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#14

Posted 24 September 2008 - 12:46 AM

Once explained its all very clear and well-plotted out. Good read Emi!

DOOM!
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#15

Posted 28 September 2008 - 02:29 AM

I thought it was the government. sad.gif

But that was a really great, and interesting read. Great job.

mark-2007
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#16

Posted 01 October 2008 - 10:39 PM

Congrats Emi, another great entry from you.




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