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BUYG: Build Up Your Gang IV

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AceRay
  • AceRay

    In my restless dreams, I see that town...

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#2251

Posted 12 December 2011 - 03:07 AM

QUOTE (aragond @ Monday, Dec 12 2011, 01:43)
PS; Thanks for the PM, Ace, I appreciate all the work you're putting in. You *sure* you don't have Staff aspirations? sigh.gif

Actually, yeah, I think becoming Staff would be pretty cool. I've been reading a few older ratings and I think I get the jist of this 'rating' thing. I'm just worried I'd be rating, like, one story by Don G and then posting a whole list of MY stories that are yet to be rated. If I were to become Staff, I'm expecting a big increase of demand, so I'd PM people I think would be good writers around this area and encourage them to join.

theclefe
  • theclefe

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#2252

Posted 19 December 2011 - 12:22 PM Edited by theclefe, 19 December 2011 - 02:54 PM.

Hey All. Can't believe this is still rolling, but I can't imagine why it would stop. I wrote for BUYG back during SA. I wish I could find the old thread but it looks like it doesn't exist or is hidden somewhere. I come on GTAForums once in a while I just happened to catch this thread and I'm really excited to write again. There are so many also detail in GTA IV that can help give color to good RP stories.

I'll be honest, I didn't have time to read through the 100+ Pages, but I'm just going to jump back into this. I figured no one would be upset if I just post chapters. Feel free to correct me if I'm screwing up.

North Holland Hustlers
Wichita Gardens Reunion
Chapter 1


Walking across the courtyard of Vespucci University was a moment Derek Price thought would never come. The soles of his shoes clacked as he walked along the the gray pavers of Ruby Street. To his right and left, the massive gray columns that bracketed the quad symbolized the unwavering power the law school garnered among the Liberty City elite. And now he was one of them.

Well, not really. He wasn’t a lawyer, but he was now a professor of accounting in the Accounting, Taxation and Law Department. The youngest professor at Vespucci, and arguably the brightest. Price was a genius with numbers. Only a few in the world could match his mathematical prowess. He turned down mathematics departments from nearly every prestigious university to come to Vespucci. Not because the pay was better, or the position more glamorous, but because he could live and work in Liberty City. THE Liberty City. The greatest city in the world.

Growing up in Blueberry, Price always dreamed of living in the big city. Visiting between semesters only amplified his desire. Now he was here. A new life, a new school year, and all the problems of San Andreas behind him.

Giggles fractured his thought as a group of coeds passed by, dressed for the warm September weather, on their way to class. Rich young women, freshly tan from a summer on the beach. Women he would now be teaching.

Price reached Galveston St., looked left and saw La Cruz Restaurant. A fellow teacher recommended it for lunch. He had a day to refine his class syllabus and there was no better study treat than nachos.

--

Exeter Ave was buzzing as Mike Drury smoked a cigarette outside of Overt. A Modo and D.J.M bag was already in his hand, holding them while his girlfriend tried on sweaters inside. Folks getting out of work were starting to line up at the Movie Pit ticket window. He wondered what was playing.

“I’m Hungry.” Drury turned to see his girlfriend emerge with another bag in hand, held out to give to him. “Let’s go back to the hotel, change, and head downtown,“ She suggested, leading Mike by the hand back to the Hotel Hamilton a block away. “I can’t wait to see Star Junction.”

The two were on vacation. Drury had returned from Iraq just a week ago and the redeployment counselor said he and Heather should take a vacation to rekindle their relationship. When she suggested heading down to Liberty, he jumped at the idea to go anywhere that was sand-less. He just wished Heather booked the room.

In his rural town, a $39 motel room was top of the line. The Hamilton Hotel was $39, but anything but top of the line. When tourism is low, they supplemented their income renting rooms to the local homeless shelter. Drury couldn’t imagine a time when tourism was high for the Hamilton.
When his girlfriend first walked into the lobby, protected by an armed guard, she almost walked back out. It took a little convincing from Mike to keep her from taking a taxi and heading to Middle Park, but she eventually relented. When they got to their room and found bunk beds, the two broke out in laughter before Mike teasingly claimed the top bunk.

The two walked North along Exeter, chatting and window shopping. “Wait,” Heather said, pausing on the sidewalk. “Did I go in that store yet?” Mike shook his head and watched her swing open another glass door.

--

Cootie Sayles stepped out of the Adios terminal at Francis International Airport with a bag slung over his shoulder and a Colombian passport in hand. By the curb, a rusted blue Burrito growled. Sayles gave a look of disgust, then popped the handle and climbed in. Sayles waited until they hit the highway before tossing the fake passport out of the window.

theclefe
  • theclefe

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#2253

Posted 20 December 2011 - 08:53 AM

North Holland Hustlers
Wichita Gardens Reunion
Chapter 2


The burrito pulled into the parking lot of off Franfort Ave with a squeal. Through the windshield Sayles saw the bland, brown brick and the depressingly small window frames of the Northwood Projects. Over a decade ago he called them Wichita Gardens, his home.

Sayles looked up at the buildings. Laundry flapped out a pair of windows on the seventh floor while children played in front of the entrance. Everything looked the same, but Liberty City had changed. Everything he had worked for has been destroyed, and to Cootie, there was only one guy to blame.

“Are you glad to be back Cootie?” said Tai-ler from behind the steering wheel of the Burrito, breaking the long silence. A cousin of Sayles, he was one of the few family members savvy enough to keep in touch with over the internet while in exile. “It's been so long. My momma is going to be so excited to see you.”

Tai-ler's mom, Cootie's aunt, was always very close to Sayles through his childhood. She never condoned gang bangin'. She stopped talking to Cootie when he refused to take off his Red Jack colors at Thanksgiving, stopped recognizing him as a relative after he stole her jewelry a few weeks later. He honestly doubted his aunt was happy to see him.

“I don’t think you should tell her I’m here,” said Cootie, “I’m trying to keep a low profile. If anyone is still looking for me, I don’t want to make it easy.” Tai-ler nodded. “D-Ice still live in building C?"

Tai-ler hesitated. “Same crib… but I don’t think he can help you Cootie. He isn’t the same anymore. What the Niners did to him was pretty f*cked. I mean, he can talk and everything, but the Jacks collapsed after that with you and Del gone.”

D-Ice was the long-time of the Wichita Garden Red Jacks, a gang that carved out a nitch for themselves in the Liberty City at the turn of the century. They and the Niners bitterly fought for control of northern Algonquin for a decade, a battle that the Red Jacks seemed to take control of by 2001.

Seeing himself as a visionary, D-Ice began expanding the Jacks outside of Liberty to establish footholds. In 2004, he sent Cootie and his friend G-Del to San Fierro to help build up the Red Jacks presence in the city. They were the best of his young followers. Sayles and Del crossed the country, cleaned out the riff-raff and built the San Fierro Red Jacks in a physical and financial powerhouse. It didn’t last long though.

Just a year later, G-Del was locked up and Sayles escaped to Colombia to avoid the FIB. The San Fierro gang collapsed. Without the money and with his people spread thin, the Liberty City Jacks soon followed. It all culminated when the Niners bludgeoned D-Ice with baseball bats, leaving him with partial brain damage.
With the Jacks gone, the North Holland Hustlers rose to power quickly, absorbing the two rivals without much incident.

“I’ll leave my bag here and be right back."

--
D-Ice had always been a recluse, often talking to outsiders over the phone rather than meeting in person. He spent a lot of time in his apartment, and the rooms in Northwood weren’t spacious. Now that he was disabled, D-Ice almost never left the house, and the small one bedroom flat smelled like it.

“Cootie! My hommie,” said D-Ice in a scratchy voice. He was sitting in a patched recliner in front the a television. “Where the f*ck have you been?”

“Hey Ice,” Cootie said. “Columbia, screwing bitches. How about you?”

“f*ck you,” D-Ice snapped, then cracked a smile. “I may be slow now, but I know you couldn’t get poon then, and after seeing you, I KNOW you can’t get poon now.”
Cootie laughed, then sat down on the couch next to Ice. “I’m back because I need your help.”

“Ah. You need to cap that f*ck.” Sayles nodded. “I’m sorry, my brother, I can’t do much for you. I can barely walk straight much less shoot someone for you. My hand would shake so much, I’m more likely to shoot myself.”

“I’ll do the shooting. I just need some help tracking him down. Maybe some hardware too.” Cootie looked down at his hands. I don’t want to be here long, so walking through the neighborhood looking for a piece will bring some unneeded attention.”

“I can’t help you,” Ice sighed. “I have nothing left. I haven’t had a gun in the house for years and all my contacts either became Hustlers or got out of the game.” D-Ice, shook his head, regretting what he had to say next. “If you need help, you need to talk to Monty Duggins and the Hustlers. I’ll set up the meeting. Just… be careful. He ain’t a normal gang banger.”

AceRay
  • AceRay

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#2254

Posted 27 December 2011 - 09:52 AM Edited by AceRay, 10 July 2012 - 05:15 AM.

Sup dawgs. Here's another another chapter. Its a bit shorter than normal but it was kind of dragging on a bit, so I shortened it. I also wanted to get an "Occupy The Exchange" gag in there before it becomes irrelevant. Expect Chapter 4 of the Law in the upcoming days(Edit: weeks) or so.

For my tenth story bonus, I demand the Sawn-off Shot.


Chapter 10: Human Revolution

As the shiny, gold doorknob left my palm, Granville’s lavish ordainments invited me into the man’s apartment. Various knick-knacks lined the walls on extravagant mental stands. An exquisite bear’s head was mounted on the silver wall above the 3D television showcased in the middle of the room with the matching glasses displayed clearly on the glass coffee table. The man himself was positioned behind his desk, waving his hand at me as I approached him and he shouted into his phone.

“No, no, you aren’t hearing me; I want you to tell those Russians I ain’t selling until they’re selling, you getting me? No, listen to me you fool, I don’t want to go half way, the ‘Occupy The Exchange’ movement dropped prices across the board, I can’t sell that oil now…” I cough, showing my impatience, to which he quickly finishes the conversation. “Okay, bye Daddy, see you at Christmas,” he throws down the phone onto the table and locks his hands, looking at me sheepishly.

“So,” he says finally. Granville rubs his bandage from the beating Chip gave him earlier and sighed.

“So, what you want? I’m a busy man, Grosso.”

“As am I. Now I heard you have connections to the Gambetti family. How about we help you out and you set us up a meeting, eh?”

“Why not cut out the middle man and deal directly with ’em,” Granville queried, taking off his glasses to get a better look at me.

“Ever since that, erm, chocolate cookie incident a year ago, they’re more than anxious to deal with the Pavanos now,” Granville sighed, rubbing his face with his bristly hands.

“I’m not certain, but I believe I could grant you and your associates a meeting with Dillon Dianella. But only if you do some work for me.”

“That’s fair,” it was my turn to sigh, knowing I had dirty work awaiting me.

“Right-o, you know how I had to leave Los Santos because of Koreans right?” I nod my head despite the fact that I didn’t know and didn’t want to know but Granville could tell I was lying so he told me anyway. “I used to dip my hands in the drug dealing business, you know, for a quick buck. One day, things f*cked up and I had to jump town. It was tough, they destroyed my bike…” he was trailing off and I didn’t have the time, so I make my discomfort obvious.

“Listen, bub, I don’t have all day. Skip to the chase.”

“Yes, alright. Basically, the Korean Mob has discovered me again and they want to finish the job.”

“So, you’re going to send me to whack their assassin, okay then,” I stand up to leave but Granville looks at me in disbelief.

“Oh no, no, no, they already tried to,” Granville says with small smile. “But I, uh, already took care of it,” he then pulls out a golden Desert Eagle and chuckles slightly. He stands up and points the gun at an imaginary target at the wall. “Bang bang.” And he pretends to fire the gun twice, smirking a little at his successes.

“Ah ha, I see,” I say as we walk across the room to the kitchen, Granville putting the gun on the table and replacing it with a coffee pot.

“Yeah, well, the trouble is that some lady saw it. She had a camera too, so now she has my mug shot too. Now some hotshot detective called Jeff Toast seems sure that I’m a high ranking member in the Gambetti family and it could lead to the end of the family. I don’t want to do that to Dillon but thankfully the cop doesn’t have the pictures yet, so all hope is not lost,” he pours a drink into a large mug and offers it to me but I refuse so he drinks it up himself in one gulp, burping loudly before continuing. “I don’t want to end up in the big house so I need you to… take that evidence from her,” whether or not this means violence, I didn’t know. It made me nervous, knowing I had to hit a woman. I hadn’t hit a woman since I can remember and the thought of it made my blood boil, but not letting it show on the outside.

“Where’s her apartment?”

“I don’t know, but the broad is currently at the Superstar Café, you know, the one in The Triangle. She took a cab there. Get the photos off her and get ‘em back to me,” Granville slammed the beaker onto the table with a bang. “Don’t harm her though, that won’t look good. Got to make it look like she was bluffing about the pictures, eh?” A massive sigh of relief overcomes me when he spoke those words and I quickly express my satisfaction.

“Good,” Granville’s paw swooped across and patted my shoulder in approval and smiled, revealing a set of sparkling teeth.

“Her name is Kristi Whitman,” He said as he escorted me to the door. "Take care of her, eh? Now get out of here,” I walk out the door and down the lobby to the elevator as Granville scuttles into his apartment and slams the door.

AceRay
  • AceRay

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#2255

Posted 04 January 2012 - 06:55 AM Edited by AceRay, 31 January 2012 - 05:32 AM.

@aragond: good luck with the computer.

Here's another chapter for The Law. Read away.

Chapter 4: Doughnut Disturb

The air was sultry. It swooned and wished around the police station, leaving a sour taste in my mouth. My desk was piled with paperwork I had to do. Ignoring the constant tapping that buzzed through the police office, I pulled out the nearest form. I knew it was probably important but the lines were just a blur; I couldn’t concentrate. The constant tapping on keyboards, the yelling of angry suspects, the laughing of cheery comrades; they were all buzzing around my head and f*cking with my thoughts. I slam my hands on the desk, creating a loud bang that caused everyone in a five meter radius to raise their weary heads in response to the noise.

Angered, I depart my desk and march to the water cooler to fetch me a drink. As the cool water drips down my throat, a sly, sharp voice makes itself present behind me.

“Tough day governor, eh?” I spin around to see the same sly face I see all the time whenever I stroll through the halls. It was none other than Calvin Galvin, five feet tall and sprouting a wry grin bigger that covered his face. He wore a greasy charcoal suit and a blazing gold tie, coupled with thick glasses perched upon his bumpy, acned nose.

“Galvin! I didn’t think I’d have the displeasure of gazing my eye upon you today,” he chuckled and scuffled past me to get a drink.

“Funny. Now, c’mon tough guy, what’s getting you down?” water dripped off down his cheeks and onto the floor as he gulped down the liquid. He grasped the cup in his hands and tossed it into the trash can. As it bounced off the rim of the steel frame bin and fell to the bottom, somehow I felt my own fate foreshadowed in its movements. United Liberty Paper were going to crush me to the bone and throw me into a vast chasm of despair, slowly falling towards my own painful death next to other chumps who got caught up in the political games they played. I was spiralling towards my own death so quickly; I could practically visualize the bullets pumping into my chest in a side alley and blood slowly trickling out of my ribcage onto the street.

“Uh, hello, buddy, you’ve standing there with eyes as big as saucepans staring at the rubbish bin for over a minute now,” Galvin’s annoying words bring me back down to reality.

“Uh, yeah, nothing, just a, uh, hard case I’ve gotta solve, you know?” I stutter out. Galvin looks unconvinced, but I quickly move back towards my desk. Galvin struts down towards me to talk about some irrelevant sh*t but suddenly Toast, Walsh and Toast’s partner Solomon Swansong walk in. Swansong was a man wearing an impressive leather trench coat with a white shirt underneath and charcoal pants with thick black hair. His face was constantly stuck in a half-grin, half-sneer expression and he had a kind squinty look in his eyes. The only thing that matched his appearance was his sarcasm; he spoke sparingly and when he did, there was always a hint of wit, even sadness, in his voice.

“Seriously boys, the Pavano family are going down. Edgar Di Luca doesn’t even know how bad it is. F*ck, Solomon here is going undercover in their family soon, there’s no way they’re going to last,” Toast chattered on, not realizing no one gave two hoots.

“Hey Toast, long time no see,” Galvin spat out as the three approached us. Toast acknowledged his presence by chuckling at his eagerness and shaking his hand.

“How’s it Galvin?”

“So, so, you know. It’s pretty hard getting all this paperwork done, you know, and I feel that Finley isn’t too happy…”

“Hey, you do realize this is my desk don’t you?” I speak up as I realized everyone circled my desk like eagles, prying on me, waiting for me to snap.

“Eh, what’s you problem?” Toast inquired. Thankfully, at that moment, Damon Dorado called out from Finley’s office.

“Hey Solomon, there’s been a shooting up in Northwood.”

“I blame video games,” Swansong commented to his friend and left, “C’mon Toast.”

And they left. Now that it was just Galvin, Walsh and me, it was now time to make like a tree and leave.

“Hey Walsh, want to go for a walk,” I say as I get up from my desk and shove my papers into a folder. Walsh nods and we stroll out down the stairs.

“Okay, see you when you, Shiver.”

“Yeah, see you ‘round, son,” Walsh and I soon stroll out into the Westminster police car park. It was deserted in our favour; only a couple of patrol cars and the sewer rats were present for the upcoming conversation.

“Got the files?”

“Yeah, got ‘em right here,” Walsh pulls out a few papers from his coat pocket and shoves them into my hand. “Slipped them from him while we were having doughnuts. Boy, that guy loves to talk.”

“Good,” I mutter. “You got your car back?”

“Nope, still at the shop. Got a lot of work to do on the Lokus…” as we strolled down to the street, I figured now would be the perfect time to pry some answers out of the clown.

“What happened in the army down south, Walsh?” Walsh is instantly angered by the burning question and hastily defends himself from answering.

“I can’t tell you,” he says bluntly.

“C’mon, Walsh, I’ll tell you my secrets. Sheldon got into some dirty businesses with a Latino crime lord; I had to sneak him out of the city. Plus you got a couple of bribery cases but its no big deal. I’m a good guy here!” I babble out, hoping it could break him. Liberty City spread out for eternity around us as Walsh stood his ground.

“I don’t care what you did or didn’t do, I’m not an open book. What happened in the past is of no concern to you. You mind your business and I’ll mind mine.”

“I’m not sure if you’ve notice but we’re in this together. If you don’t start being honest with me, we’re going to have some problems,” Walsh finally sees my reasoning and buckles. Half a minute passes as Walsh contemplates confessing to me about the big army incident.

“Let’s just say that I… we caused some things that shouldn’t have happened. I’m still killing myself over it. Just thinking about gets me in stitches. You know how it is,” I really didn’t know ‘how it is’ but I could tell that this was the first time that Walsh had ever mentioned this since it happened, so I let him off with his cryptic message.

“Thanks. Uh, I got to hand the papers to the man upstairs so… see you round,” and with that, I hailed a taxi and made out of there pronto. Walsh sombrely waltzed back into the police station.

After a couple of rides, one in a taxi and the other in an elevator, I found myself standing outside room 396 inside the United Liberty Paper building. I clenched Hasson’s papers tightly and waited for the moment the contact to let me in. Then, on cue, he did.

The door swung open and a medium sized man with black hair in a suit was on the other side, looking disgruntled and worried.

“Don’t mind him, just come in Shiver,” the contact yelled from his desk. The man shoves past me and disappeared into the elevator. “Got the files?”

“Keep your pants on, they’re right here.”

“Hey, what’s with the hostility? Never done any dirty work before?” He lighted a cigar and chuckled at his own sarcasm. “I find that unlikely.”

“Ha ha, can I go now?”

“No. You know Grace? I want you to meet her tomorrow morning. She’ll be on Joliet Street in South Bohan at seven o’clock exactly,” he then took out a small package wrapped in brown paper and placed it at the end of the table. “Give this to her.”

“Why can’t you, you lazy sh*t.”

“Watch your language.”

“What do you think this is, Nickelodeon?”

“Again, you don’t get to ask questions. I just want you to give it to her,” I snatch the package off the desk. It was as light as a feather and easily slipped into my pocket. As I turn to leave the room, he shoots me another question. “Found out anything about Walsh’s past yet?”

“No,” he then laughed and put down his cigar, giving me a cynical look.

“Ask him about Matthew Grey, that will make him sh*t his pants,”

“I’m nobody’s messenger boy,” I spout out at him and turn to leave. “I’m their delivery boy.”

“That’s the spirit!” he calls out as I left the office and slammed the door behind me, off to leave the building.

Don Giovanni
  • Don Giovanni

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#2256

Posted 08 January 2012 - 05:44 AM

Are we going to get new ratings soon? I'm waiting on new ratings before updating my stories for The Law.

AceRay
  • AceRay

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#2257

Posted 08 January 2012 - 06:20 AM

QUOTE (Don Giovanni @ Sunday, Jan 8 2012, 05:44)
Are we going to get new ratings soon? I'm waiting on new ratings before updating my stories for The Law.

Patience, brother. Aragond's last comment appears to inquire that his computer might be in a state of disrepair and will need to reassess the components of the machine. Therefore, reviews of all literacy pieces has been delayed.

In short, aragond's computer has died and there's a delay in ratings.

However, I might hijack this thread in a couple of months and do my own ratings if things still aren't moving on, just to keep the thread alive. So, be aware.

Build Up Your Gang
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#2258

Posted 01 February 2012 - 01:08 PM

Ladies (really? There are any?) and Gentlemen,

Please join me in welcoming our newest recruit to the BUYG Staff pool.

Please be gentle with him. smile.gif

(Ratings will be posted soon-ish)

Build Up Your Gang
  • Build Up Your Gang

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#2259

Posted 02 February 2012 - 05:01 AM Edited by Build Up Your Gang, 02 February 2012 - 07:32 AM.

Greetings and welcome to the FIRST REVIEWS OF 2012! Time to reboot this sh*t… again. This is also the first ratings by your humble servant, the newest member of staff, so I hope I don’t f*ck it up. Also note that I will rate your story so don’t feel that your story isn’t going to be rated.

vinnygorgeous
The Law | ??? | Chapter 1: Alphabetized
$43 + $0 = $43

Wow! Nice length! 1965 words is very impressive. It also introduces a host of interesting characters and kept my interest long enough to follow through. Good job! The interrogation scene was a lot of fun to read. I also really enjoyed the line “ As a young man he had been an idealist unwilling to bend his ethics for career development and consequently had ended up working for those who had no such qualms, the ladder to the top was covered in a grease that pollutes the soul and corrupts the mind. ” This was a very good line which creates imagery in the reader’s mind, which is good. If I have one observation it would be a couple of grammar nicks. The most common one is the misconception below.

Your either going to jail or your going to get whacked.
You’ve mistaken your for you’re. It’s easy to get caught out on this, but it’s easy to learn too.
Your is possessive. Basically, you own something.
Example: “ Your new pony keeps crapping in your bedroom. ” This refers to your pony and your bedroom.
You’re is a contraction of “you are”.
Example: “You’re definitely cleaning out the bedroom before I sleep in there again .” This translates to “you are definitely cleaning…”
After that explanation, the above sentence should be the following below.
You’re either going to jail or you’re going to get whacked.
Now that you know, hope it doesn’t come up again. Also, you forget to capitalize some words in the second half and the story, like “special agent Vega” should be “Special Agent Vega.” I feel that you got a bit tired of writing so much and just got a little slack, so it is understandable but try to iron them out next time.

Also, it appears that you’ve got more stories that you wrote under the old system. Therefore, it would help staff intensely if you could list a few of them and PM them staff, in case you want to carry them over. But I really liked this one.

Albokid555
Albanian Mob | Deli Grocery Tobacco Shop | Chapter 1
$24 + $0 = $24

The first thing I noticed with this story was the way all the text was aligned with weird line breaks in the middle of sentences. I’m sure this was unintentional and must be some sort of coding problem but please make sure it doesn’t again, cause its very, very ugly and hard to read.

Secondly, there are numerous grammar errors, such as:
Mike Grant,some petty thief…” needs a space between the comma and ‘some’, making it this: “Mike Grant, some petty thief….” Make sure you also end all your sentences with a full stop.
Each new line of dialogue needs to be in its own sentence, as the last review made clear. So it’s not:
"Nice piece you got there," "Yeah that idiot was well armed" I said
But instead, it’s:
"Nice piece you got there,"

"Yeah that idiot was well armed" I said
.
Nationalities are capitalized like names and locations, so its Russians instead of russians.
I got out of the car and so did Blerim.” This is unnecessarily long and could have been shortened to “We got out of the car.
Little things like this are easy to fix and make your story much easier to read, so be diligent with it.

It also appears that this is actually two stories, a prologue and a chapter, but since the prologue is just too small at 204 words, staff has combined both stories to make a good 977 word story. Nice length.

Furthermore, the combat in this chapter is very matter of fact in its execution. Try to add more flare and detail. Ariton arrives at the Platypus, sees some Russians shooting and instantly goes and snaps one of their necks. It made it like a walk in the park. Try to make the fighting intense and snappy. I also felt like you could have skipped the robbery scene and went straight to the fight with the Russians and made it longer and more exciting.

Ultimately, a nice effort but the constant grammar mistakes and rushed sequences of events keep the score down.

Don Giovanni
Triads | ??? | Chapter 1: In The Beginning
$27 + $0 = $27

Right-o, first up, this chapter is just too short at 351 words, which is a shame as it definitely has potential. 600 words is the bare minimum but you should really be aiming for 750 – 1000. If you’re having trouble keeping it up, then simply expand on what you’ve got and make the reader interested in the situation. What makes the bus grinding and obnoxious? If you still can’t make it long enough, consider adding in more scenes, or making scenes longer.

Also, you mention New York, which is a big no no. LC is NY, so there shouldn’t be any references to the real life city LC is based on. It appears that you’ve abandoned this storyline, so I won’t lecture about this one.

Don Giovanni
The Law | United Liberty Paper | Chapter 1
$34 + $27 = $61

This one is longer at 659 words, which is scrapping the bottom of the barrel in terms of length but it will do for now. Just remember there’s scrapping the bottom of the barrel and then there’s grinding the bottom of the barrel into a fine powder and snorting it off a toilet seat. But overall, there are no major grammar issues, although you don’t need a full stop in Mr. Furtune and Grey’s motto shouldn’t have been capitalized. Paycheck is two words and Northeasten should be North-eastern and you spelled fluorescent as flourescent . Other than that though, its fine.

The main problem I had with it was how you kind of tell the reader all of the facts straight up, like how you tell the reader how Grey was recruited from the army or how Fortune was his superior and newest boss. Now, the last ratings showed us that it is better to infer facts, rather than just tell. Let the readers figure things out for themselves rather than you telling them. It would have been better if you drip feed the reader facts like this and make them figure it out. For example, instead of saying that Grey needs a nice suit to impress Fortune, how about implying it? Like, maybe, “ Different clothing invoke various responses from whoever you’re trying to impress, and my current clothing would make businessmen blush in their pathetic suits. ” Eh, that’s not great, but you get the picture. Try reading Mascaron’s story for clever ways to imply stuff.

I also thought that Grey’s thoughts were kind of tacked on in the end to increase the word count. I believe AceRay PMed you about the length, so maybe this was the case.. Anyway, maybe you could have had some sort of narrative going alongside it, like “As I got into the cab, the thoughts kept coming, shrouding my mind in darkness.” Okay, that was pretty bad, but you get the idea. I also thought the dialogue was a little bit hammy in parts, you know what I mean? Like, you could have had a bit more flair and color in there, rather than the little bit robot-ish conversation Grey and Fortune had. Not having “he said” and “I said” in every line earns you back brownie points, but it wouldn’t have hurt to have something like “Fortune looked at me suspiciously" every once in a while, just to throw more emotion in there or something.

All in all, a nice introduction. While you haven’t posted a story since, I believe this was more of a case of not being able to buy guns to use as you have been checking in. This staff member is excited for what comes next.

mrpain
Irish Mob | Steinway Beer Garden | Chapter 1: Out
$39 + $0 = $39

Another quickie, at 652 words, which is a shame, as it’s involving and is a good introduction for what could be an interesting storyline. Grammatically, it’s mostly fine, although please consider adding lines between dialogue. Dialed also has two l’s in it.

One problem I had was how… casual the writing was. I kind of got the feeling that he was talking to me from across the table, which is what first person writing is about of course, but you kind of get carried away at some points. This particular line got me irked “I gave him the cash and exited like a boss. Yes I really did.” Seriously? I know that Brian is really proud about re-entering the crime business, the last paragraphs were about him boasting about it. You don’t need to confirm something if you just said it. It is kind of like reading a post on the actual GTAF, with other lines like “I should probably mention my sister’s a nurse.” or “So what do you think I was gonna do?” Rhetorical questions are fine but you kind of get carried away sometimes.

Nice story, but too short, as I’ve mentioned before. Staff believes that you’ve got a lot on your plate but I hope you have the time to throw some more stories in. Also, if you want your old stories on your card, please mention it and we’ll get something working.

theclefe
North Holland Hustlers|??? | Chapter 1
$34 + $0 = $34

Welcome back to the game, apparently. The first thing I need to know is this: where is the Wichita Garden Projects? To play the game, you have to pick one of the properties for the gang, because otherwise, people would manipulate the system into setting their stories in WW2 Germany or Jupiter. So, you have to have your property at Dwayne’s apartment, Playboy X’s loft or The Triangle club. Note that you don’t have to include Dwayne or Playboy X in your stories just because they’re in there, you could just say they moved out or died or whatever and give their places to Jerry or Monty or whoever.

Another thing I noticed was how you posted two stories in a 24 hour period. Normally, this is a big no, because otherwise Staff gets overwhelmed with stories but since there really haven’t been any ratings in a few months, I’ll forgive you. Don’t do it again though.

Anyhow, to the story! Basically, it’s an introduction of three characters, which is fine as I’m interested in how they will interact. Price interests me in particularly, as I don’t think anyone has taken the university professor angle approach before. I could imagine him losing all credibility and turning to crime affably. The thing is, Sayles’ short paragraph should have really put into the following story instead of this one, but you just threw it in because you realized it wouldn’t be about the NHH otherwise, and instead about two random guys in LC. I guess that’s my biggest issue about it; it’s not about the Hustlers. Sure, learning about Price is nice and Drury is furry (couldn’t think of anything that rhymes with it) but it ultimately has to be about the gang. That’s why the game is called “Build Up Your Gang” and not “Build Up Your University” or “Build Up Your Shopping Bag”. Try to focus your stories more about the gangs, perhaps.

And now, the grammar! Coeds should really be Co-eds, as it’s an abbreviation. You have misplaced a couple of capital letters. “…and head downtown, “ She suggested…” The “she” shouldn’t be capitalized, as it follows a comma. counselor should be spelled counsellor. Gray should be spelled Grey (although it is debatable, but most of the world spell it Grey, but America accepts both. Note that Gray is more common for a last name). Oh and at 650 words, this one is also a little bit on the short side.

And finally, you’ve misused a Burrito. You’re not allowed to use cars unless you’ve bought them.

theclefe
North Holland Hustlers|??? | Chapter 2
$38 + $34 = $72

814 words! Great length! Grammatically, the same problems arise; several misplaced capital letters (and sometimes missing), several spelling errors and a couple of format mistakes. Just FYI, burrito needs to be capitalized because it’s a vehicle’s name and jewelry is spelt jewellery.

However, I must say that you’ve used the Burrito, which you don’t own. Sorry about that, but rules are rules. But I’ll shorten it down into one penalty, because, well, Staff is in a jolly mood and doesn’t want to scare away from the thread and also the first one is pretty minor.

Staff likes how this one focused on Sayles, and gave an interesting background to a troubled gang banger deciding to get into the gang who practically defeated his old gang. Me like this Sayles character, he’s interesting. So, all in all a good story, but please iron out those grammatical mistakes

Illegal use of vehicle (Burrito): penalty pending.

--

And now, the writer’s cards everyone’s so desperately wanted! Everyone who’s posted a story has now got a writer’s card because their story has been rated! Yay! The only person who hasn’t is AceRay, as he hasn’t got all his stories rated, sadly. But I’m sure he won’t mind!
IF YOU HAVE A ??? NEXT TO YOUR PROPERTY, YOU NEED TO SPECIFY WHERE! PM OR JUST POST IT WITH YOUR NEXT STORY. Sorry, but there are quite a few people without properties. But here they all are:


the mighty kubelgog
GangPetrovic Bratva Total
DetailsStory Count: 2
Active Property: The Cabaret Club (Perestrokia)
Money Earned: $76
Money Spent: $0
Last Post: Mar 20 2011
Money: $76
Stories: 2
Weapons---
VehiclesRebla
Sanjeem
GangThe Gambetti Family Total
DetailsStory Count: 1
Active Property: ???
Money Earned: $32
Money Spent: $0
Last Post: Apr 22 2011
Money: $32
Stories: 1
Weapons---
VehiclesSentinel
Mascaron
GangPetrovic Bratva Total
DetailsStory Count: 1
Active Property: The Cabaret Club (Perestroika)
Money Earned: $44
Money Spent: $0
Last Post: Aug 14 2011
Money: $44
Stories: 1
Weapons---
VehiclesRebla
batmankidal
GangThe Lost MCTotal
DetailsStory Count: 1
Active Property: The Lost MC clubhouse
Money Earned: $28
Money Spent: $0
Last Post: Jul 13 2011
Money: $28
Stories: 1
Weapons---
VehiclesZombie
Rush
GangThe Pegorino FamilyTotal
DetailsStory Count: 1
Active Property: Drusilla’s
Money Earned: $36
Money Spent: $0
Last Post: Aug 2 2011
Money: $36
Stories: 1
Weapons---
VehiclesSentinel
Albokid555
GangThe Albanian Mob Total
DetailsStory Count: 1
Active Property: ???
Money Earned: $24
Money Spent: $0
Last Post: Aug 16 2011
Money: $24
Stories: 1
Weapons---
VehiclesFuto
vinnygorgeous
GangThe Law Total
DetailsStory Count: 1
Active Property: ???
Money Earned: $43
Money Spent: $0
Last Post: Aug 16 2011
Money: $43
Stories: 1
Weapons---
Vehicles Police Patrol
Don Giovanni
GangTriads The LawTotal
DetailsStory Count: 1
Active Property: ???
Money Earned: $27
Money Spent: $0
Last Post: Sep 7 2011
Story Count: 1
Active Property: United Liberty Paper
Money Earned: $34
Money Spent: $0
Last Post: Sep 26 2011
Money: $61
Stories: 1
Weapons--- ---
VehiclesFeroci Police Patrol



mrpain
GangIrish Mob Total
DetailsStory Count: 1
Active Property: Steinway Beer Garden
Money Earned: $40
Money Spent: $0
Last Post: Nov 5 2011
Money: $40
Stories: 1
Weapons---
VehiclesVincent
theclefe
GangNorth Holland Hustlers Total
DetailsStory Count: 2
Active Property: ???
Money Earned: $72
Money Spent: $0
Last Post: Dec 5 2011
Money: $72
Stories: 2
Weapons---
Vehicles Vigero
One last thing I should probably mention. There's this dude called AceRay, who's been spamming this thread with all his crappy stories. They give me such a headache, I'll let some other staff rate them, if you know what I mean. wink.gif

Albanian Mob

AceRay
The Albanian Mob | Platypus | Chapter 3: My enemy’s enemy
$-- rating pending + $-,--- = $-,--- Player card pending

Pavano Family

AceRay
Pavano Family | Marco's beer and tobacco | Chapter 1: Family reduction
$-- rating pending + $-,--- = $-,--- Player card pending

AceRay
Pavano Family | Marco's beer and tobacco | Chapter 2: Revelation
$-- rating pending + $-,--- = $-,--- Player card pending

AceRay
Pavano Family | Marco's beer and tobacco | Chapter 3: Things heat up
$-- rating pending + $-,--- = $-,--- Player card pending

AceRay
Pavano Family | Marco's beer and tobacco | Chapter 4: Chip off the old block
$-- rating pending + $-,--- = $-,--- Player card pending

AceRay
Pavano Family | Marco's beer and tobacco | Chapter 5: Dirt nap
$-- rating pending + $-,--- = $-,--- Player card pending

AceRay
Pavano Family | Marco's beer and tobacco | Chapter 6: Karma Chameleon
$-- rating pending + $-,--- = $-,--- Player card pending

AceRay
Pavano Family | Marco's beer and tobacco | Chapter 7: Abort this!
$-- rating pending + $-,--- = $-,--- Player card pending

AceRay
Pavano Family | Marco's beer and tobacco | Chapter 8: Calm before the Storm
$-- rating pending + $-,--- = $-,--- Player card pending

AceRay
Pavano Family | Marco's beer and tobacco | Chapter 9: Invisible Wars
$-- rating pending + $-,--- = $-,--- Player card pending

AceRay
Pavano Family | Marco's beer and tobacco | Chapter 10: Human Revolution
$-- rating pending + $-,--- = $-,--- Player card pending

The Law

AceRay
The Law |United Liberty Paper | Chapter 1: The handyman
$-- rating pending + $-,--- = $-,--- Player card pending

AceRay
The Law |United Liberty Paper | Chapter 2: Fall from grace
$-- rating pending + $-,--- = $-,--- Player card pending

AceRay
The Law |United Liberty Paper | Chapter 3: Misfortune
$-- rating pending + $-,--- = $-,--- Player card pending

AceRay
The Law | United Liberty Paper | Chapter 4: Doughnut Disturb
$-- rating pending + $-,--- = $-,--- Player card pending

North Holland Hustlers

AceRay
North Holland Hustlers | Playboy X's Loft | Chapter 1: Welcome to Liberty City
$-- rating pending + $-,--- = $-,--- Player card pending


Ratings by AceRay, PHD and there's more to come.

Don Giovanni
  • Don Giovanni

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#2260

Posted 03 February 2012 - 04:09 AM

I'll buy a Pistol for The Law.

Don Giovanni
  • Don Giovanni

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#2261

Posted 07 March 2012 - 12:54 PM

I know I shouldn't do this, but I'm bumping this thread to keep it alive

AceRay
  • AceRay

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#2262

Posted 08 March 2012 - 04:07 AM Edited by AceRay, 11 July 2012 - 05:54 AM.

QUOTE (Don Giovanni @ Thursday, Mar 8 2012, 01:54)
I know I shouldn't do this, but I'm bumping this thread to keep it alive

I suppose that's fair. Although there is a link under the popular thread in the IV section.

That said, I'd like to encourage anyone out there to write and post! I can't wait to read your stories and for staff (me or Aragond) to rate them. GTAIV isn't that old is it? I mean, Liberty City is still an amazing place to visit, with a host of interesting places to create characters in and develop them. Just write about something that interests you and you'll be addicted.

I'm probably preaching upon deaf ears, but for anyone who ain't sure about it, don't worry. Post away.

And me? Oh, I hope I'll be able to finish my Law stories, simply because I find them interesting. Now, bad news for all you fans of my Gambetti stories (both of you); I probably won't be continuing them. I kind of backed myself into a hole with Gilberto, who he is, what he's doing. His backstory is a little con convoluted and I really wanted to have a storyline where he has an affair with Emilio's fiance Sarah, while he's got a wife and another girlfriend he's trying save from Chip. It's just ridiculous. I just threw too much in early on and didn't develop so I ended up in a hole. But for anyone who does care, just PM me and I can probably send them what the storyline was going to be. Hell, give me a way to get out of this hole where it continue, it'd be greatly appreciated.

EDIT: I have continued them, so ignore this.

Don Giovanni
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#2263

Posted 09 March 2012 - 09:17 PM

I'll need to regroup and start up my stories for The Law. Also, I'd like to buy a pistol for The Law

Build Up Your Gang
  • Build Up Your Gang

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#2264

Posted 09 March 2012 - 11:51 PM

QUOTE (Don Giovanni @ Friday, Mar 9 2012, 21:17)
Also, I'd like to buy a pistol for The Law

Consider it done.

batmankidal
  • batmankidal

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#2265

Posted 11 April 2012 - 05:04 AM Edited by batmankidal, 11 April 2012 - 11:26 AM.

been a long time..
I'd like to buy a pistol for The Lost MC
more stories comin' sly.gif

TheDandyManCan
  • TheDandyManCan

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#2266

Posted 12 April 2012 - 07:04 PM

Sign me up... I'll go refresh myself with the OP and get started.

Build Up Your Gang
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#2267

Posted 12 April 2012 - 10:28 PM

Right, a pistol has been bought for batmankidal. Go wild with it!

TheDandyManCan: Once you write a story, I can get you a writer's card. Its really easy to write something. Just pick a gang and write!

TheDandyManCan
  • TheDandyManCan

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#2268

Posted 13 April 2012 - 12:58 AM Edited by TheDandyManCan, 13 April 2012 - 01:02 AM.

Allow me to apologize in advance if the chapter is too short, this is just going to be me improvising as I go.


Chapter 1, Ancelotti Family, Sprunk Factory:
I Didn't Want To Do It


I didn't want to do it. Honest to God, I almost didn't have the heart to. But what must a man do, when something so important to him is threatened? Every cell in my structure begged, pleaded that I didn't do it, but for better or for worse, it is done. Bah, enough wallowing, I should explain myself, to you, to any authorities that question me, and most prominently to myself.

My name is William McKay. I'm not native to Liberty City. If you spent 10 minutes in a room with me, you'd figure out from my mannerisms, my harsh Belfast accent, my obscenely out of place attire, and my overall outcast appearance in the blasted ****hole. I know I don't belong here, but one thing anchors me to this heathenistic playground: my family.

Well, my family of four: My loving wife Ailbe, and our sons Aiden and Brian, came here on one of those third-rate tourist cruises. The food was awful, the amusements not very amusing, the bathrooms smelled like the devil mating with your least favorite in-law, and stereotypical "Irish Spring Lucky Charm" bollocks was spewed all over the deck by some arse from Eastern Europe. honestly, it isn't much different from my new housing, in a rundown old Sprunk factory.

We had a overall average time in Algonquin; not anywhere close to being worth the pound sterling I paid. But, as we lost interest, we found ourselves in a dark alleyway. Bad things always seem to happen there. We were ambushed by petty thugs working for North Holland Hustlers. I thought we were right ****ed, but some men came to our "aid". Ancelotti grunts. What the hell they were doing here, I have not a clue, but them being there changed me forever.

The Hustler goons were surprised, but yet prepared for this. The two parties opened fire on each other, but I had more important things to overwatch in my kids. We huddled behind a dumpster for what felt like years, and when the smoke cleared, the Ancelotti party had prevailed. One Hustler rose, with pained breath, to taunt the apparent leader, but was met with a quick and remorseless end.

"The Boss in interested in your, er, past, Mr. McKay. He needs to see you now." , he said. But, I responded, "Thank you kindly for your assistance, sir. But I'm a clean man now. I'm not interested."

"Mr. McKay, I would advise you to collaborate with us for a moment here. The Boss does not like to be refused, especially from a paddy**** like you.", he retorted.

At this point, this racist bastard was really getting me going, back into my younger mindset, and I lost my control. Perhaps my lowest point in my new, impromptu life in America, and I had only been here for latter of 5 hours.

"Excuse me, what was that you goon? Get out of my face before I call the-"

I never got to finish my sentence, because around that point the goons clocked me with a firearm, and not expecting it, I took a fall. I'd love to say the state of knockout I was in allowed me to contemplate the situation, but no. I feel so awful, I condemned my family, myself to this! I don't know if I can forgive myself.


....To Be Continued....




Alright, how was that? Decided to go with a... not slow, but less aggressive character development. Hope I don't write myself into a croner with this one.

AceRay
  • AceRay

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#2269

Posted 13 April 2012 - 02:07 AM

Hooray! A story! I'm so pleased right now.

Normally, I'd wait for there to be more stories to be written but considering f*ck all has happened for the last months, I'll review Dandy's sometime today or tomorrow and Batmankidal's one too if its up.

TheDandyManCan
  • TheDandyManCan

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#2270

Posted 13 April 2012 - 02:14 AM

I apologize again if it seems half-assed, I have little writing experienc outside of educational endeavours.

Build Up Your Gang
  • Build Up Your Gang

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#2271

Posted 14 April 2012 - 09:58 AM Edited by Build Up Your Gang, 16 April 2012 - 09:59 PM.

Second reviews of the year! Just one but its more than last month!

TheDandyManCan
Ancelotti Family| Sprunk Factory| Chapter 1 : I Didn’t Want To Do It
$35 + $0 = $35

Yay, a new story! You know what? I thought it was pretty good, but a few problems irked me and kept you from getting $45+.

Firstly, I’m sorry to say that 556 words is a little too short for a story. The average length is 750-1000 words, but anything over 700 is good. Another couple hundred words wouldn’t have hurt and you’d probably gotten a little bit more money.

Next, grammar! There’s a few problems:
especially from a paddy**** like you.", he retorted. This sentence should really be especially from a paddy**** like you" he retorted. You’ve gotten it a bit wrong with the speech marks and it’s an easy mistake, you’ve just got to look out for it. Furthermore, I don’t know what “****” means. It could mean anything from “d*ck” to “c*nt”. When swearing, just put a neat little * in place of the vowel eg: f*ck. Also, don’t have commas follow the words ‘but’ and ‘and’.

Before I rip into it, I’d just like to say that I really like this premise. The opening line is great and the story is original. It’s an unorthodox decision to have this Irish family guy get conned into joining the Italian mafia and I’m excited to see where it goes. If you handle this well, it could be great.

But the narrator’s tone just got too casual at points. It’s what I said last time about mrpain’s story, fyi. Some of the comments McKay made just drew me out of the story. Example: Bah, enough wallowing, I should explain myself… That sentence would have worked a lot better without that. You get carried away.

I kinda got the feeling William was talking to someone after the story about his life, which is fine but giving some context really helps with casualness. Like an expanded version of: “William and I sat down and he told me about his life story.” Like, an expanded version of that basically allows you to use ‘um’ and ‘erm’ in your narrative.

Furthermore, the big exciting part of the story (the hustlers versus Ancelotti mob gunfight) goes by in about a sentence. It was a big cop-out for me personally and would have added some nice contrast to the rest of the story. It would have been great to get it up to 700 words too. It’s basically a firefight began and the Ancelotti family won. Firefights don’t ‘just begin’ like that. I also found some problems with following the story, as it begins as though the family is going on a holiday but then they live in the Sprunk factory? And all hope is lost within 5 hours? I think that line is a mistake.

Overall, its good but you need to expand on combat and make it longer. Looking forward for the next one.
-
TheDandyManCan
GangAncelotti Family Total
DetailsStory Count: 1
Active Property: Sprunk Factory
Money Earned: $37
Money Spent: $0
Last Post: Apr 13 2012
Money: $74
Stories: 1
Weapons---
Vehicles Presidente
-
Rated by AceRay

TheDandyManCan
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#2272

Posted 15 April 2012 - 01:01 AM

Chapter 2, Ancelotti Family, Sprunk Factory: Knee Deep in Taurine


I woke up in a daze. All I could see for a brief moment was a solid stream of green sh*t washing over my feet. What.... is that Sprunk? What the hell is this, some kind of joke?

What little I could remember of yesterday's events at the time was nerve-racking. Where the hell is my family? Where the hell am I, for that matter? Who are these men that accosted us, and why? If the man in front of me holding a pistol to my head is any clue, I'll find out soon.

"I told you to come quietly, Bill. You didn't, and look what happened. I think this will be an educational experience for bot of us, Mr. McKay."

"Wait, wait. Will be?" I responded. "What do you want from me? Where the hell am I?" I started wretching around in my seat, but the restraints wouldn't budge, and if they did, well, there would still be a guy with a pistol in front of me. "Bill, my boss needs you to do some errands, some gruntwork for him. You, are currently in an abandoned soda factory. Your family isn't here, but at a different location that I know I can't trust you with."

Oh, sh*t. My family, they're with them? Damnit.... I guess I have no choice but to hear him out. "What kind of work? I told you before, I'm clean now. Why me, anyhow? I'm not in this city to do anything for you pricks." But he replid, "Bill, either you do some work for us, or we gut all four of you like f*cking game hens, alright?"

It was a hard decision to make, but I guess I have to do their dirty work. "Great choice, Bill. Now, your first job. We need you to place a bag of our product in an alley off the street that leads to the factory, it's gonna have five trash cans all tipped over in front of it to mark it. Alright?"

With gritted teeth, I sittfened my upeer lip and said, "For fu... fine, I'll do it. But this one job and I'm out. Right?" His reply was informative, sort of, but disappointing. "We'll see, Bill. Now go, you have an hour to get there."



About 20 minutes later, I was in the alleyway I needed to get to. The bins were in fact, tipped over, so the pricks didn't lie about that. But, as I was setting down the bag, which was all too obviously drugs, I heard a rustling coming from in a cranny between two buildings. Oh, sh*t, not another fight. But, alas, a thug came out with an aluminum bat, and shouted "B*tch, gimme the stuff! Don't make me f*ckin unload one on ya!" When I refused, he started sprinting at me with bat overhead, poising to strike.

I sidestepped his swing and elbowed him in the back of the neck, which seemed to just piss him off. He swung again, but again I dodged and swept his feet. He landed on the concrete with a sickening thud, and seemed to be out of it, but when he reached for his bat I had to take it first and whack him a few times with it.

I hoped in vain that that would be the end of it, but as I feared, he had back up. Four more thugs, which I could discern were more North Holland Hustlers like before, came out armed with bats and knives. F*ck's sake, I can't take all of 'em, I thought. Thankfully, though, I saw an open door to an apartment complex. A million thoughts ran through my head, but one stuck out: get the f*ck out of there.

I lobbed the bat in their general direction, but it missed by a pretty wide margin, so I huffed it into the complex and up the stairs. The bastards were hopped up on PCP, or crack or some sh*t though, and despite my headstart they kept up close. I knew with each floor I was coming closer to the roof , but what then? What a stupid idea this was. When I made it to the rooftop, I had nowhere to go. So I did possibly the most impossibly dumb thing ever. I stood up to four drug fiends with weapons, by myself, unarmed.

They were reluctant to attack, probably not wanting any charges to affect them. Weird logic if so, since they've already chased me onto a rooftop with weapons. One charged forth with a knife and lunged at me, but I disarmed him and hiptossed his dumb ass over the ledge and into an awning below. The impact on the alley floor was accented with a muffled yelp, and I swear I heard a limb dislocate.

This seemed to intimidate the others, thankfully, but in their high they were still eager to avenge their mate. Without any foresight, I threw my knife at the leftmost gangbanger, but this time my aim held true and I struck him in the sternum. He went down immediately, but I no longer had any weaponry.

The two charged me simultaneously, probably the smartest move any of us had made yet, but they missed and I slammed one's head into the ledge of the rooftop. He went down too, but the other caught me in my prime and knocked me down. He lunged at me and started this chain of cliche B-movie suspense fodder, and all I could do was fend him off.

For a second or too, I thought I was dead, but that's when a gunshot crackled through the air. My assailant froze, then slid off me, lifeless, with a hint of remorse in his eyes. I looked up to see that my savior was no savior at all. It was that same Ancelotti goon from the gunfight AND the factory! "You! You set me up to fail, you bastard!" I shouted.

"No, Bill, if you're implying I sent these gangbangers, I didn't. However, in hindsight," He stops to laugh. "... I should have given you a knife, at least. Great work, though, taking out three on your own. I see your past has, ahem, stuck with you, at least through combat prowess."

I never stopped to think about it till now, but how the hell does he know about my past? He stared at me with ice cold eyes and the sly grin of a killer, as if he knew something I didn't, which I suppose he did. "Oh, by the way," he said. "You dropped this on the way down." He handed me the drugs. "Put that back in the alleyway, and consider your work done for tonight."

He handed me a handful of bills and again, told me I did a good job. But I saw through it. "Well, when can I see my family? I did what you asked." "Bill, there's a bed and some food set up in the corner of the old Sprunk factory, you remember the one. Swt up there for the night, and we'll see about tomorrow."

"No, not then, now! Show me my family, you d*ck!" I shouted in protest. "Bill, you remember what happened last time you mouthed off to me? I can't exactly re-kidnap your wife and kids, but I can think of somethin' else. Now go, go to the factory for the night. Damn."



I hated the thought of my family spending another night with these bastards, but my protests seem to fall upon deaf ears. I arrived back at the factory, and, reluctantly retired for the night. I had no dreams that night, to my memory, for nightmares took their place. My family rotting in a safehouse with these slimy, insipid f*cks, the deaths of all of us, and even if I got them back, what our future would hold for us were all topics on the forefront of my subconscious.

I slept horribly, and rightfully so. Killing two or three men for your family's safety, only to find that it really WASN'T for your family's safety really does a number. I've been here for less than two days now, and already my life is as fraught with peril as it was when I was a youngin in Belfast. Back when.... I'd rather not talk about it. Maybe another time, but for now, I slumber. Tomorrow, who knows what will happen? Not me, hell no, not me.

...To Be Continued...


I apologize again if this is too short, but I have no clue how to check wordcount. Minus ten brownie points for me.

batmankidal
  • batmankidal

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#2273

Posted 15 April 2012 - 01:16 PM

Chapter 2, The Lost MC, The Lost MC Clubhouse : The Deal With Russian

I'm wiping my bike in front of the clubhouse garage when Johnny called me, yes Johnny Klebitz the club's Vice President. "Bradley, I need you to oversee the exchange of our weapons with the Russian. The deal se for tonight. " "Of course, Johnny," I said. "Good, now listen to me. Billy did a lot of stupid things ever since he got out of rehab, and I'm not going to let this continue to happen. I want this exchange went well, so do not screw up, okay? "Johnny spoke with a very serious face. "Sure, man" I said soothingly. "This Ruskie named Ivan, and he's not a joke". "Hey, take Spike and Tiny with you. I want this deal under the radar, so do not wear your cut ! "Johhny start his Hexer and then then leave.

When night came I was driving my Zombie in front of a van Tiny driven, while Spike sat down next to him. Not like his name, Tiny is a big man. Beardo and got a deep voice, he is a man you do not want to mess with. Spike is average, not skinny and not fat. But this guy is the craziest adrenaline junkies I've ever known. The story that his first task is to disturb the party of Angels Of Death at some bar. He ended up blowing all AoD motorcycle parked on that place ! Cool !. We take this van to transport the damn weapons. To be honest, I was not feel really protected without a cut, but Johnny was right. If the deal is going south or we are caught by the police, the club will not take the hit. We drove to Hove Beach area and headed for the port. At the entrance of the harbor we stopped by someone who look like the port security. "Are you here to meet the Russian ?" Turn out his Russian accent is very noticeable. "Yeah, man. Are they have inside? "I asked. "Come in" damn Russian don’t answer my question.

Inside the port there’s a lot of armed Russian holding AK-47, Uzi, you name it. One of them shows the direction to the abandon warehouse at north side of the port. After parking our vehicles in place that have been determined, we met Ivan and more Ruskie. Ivan got Russian look that more presentable than others in this place, as if to say if he was their leader. If any other Russian wearing a black jacket, Ivan wore a full black suit and red tie. It reminds me of Hitman game, but he’s not bald and ... "Did you bring the money?" Voice of Ivan woke me from my reverie. "Tiny, show them the money" I said. Tiny gave a big bag to Ivan's men, who then took a few step back to calculate the money. "I heard you guys deal with snitchs within your organization" Ivan said to me. "True, but the issue was resolved. I take care of myself "I said. "Good, because I want our deal to continue for a long time" Ivan looked at me sharply. "The money is good, boss" Ivan’s men said to him. "Now give us the arms" I said. "Give them the gun" Ivan said to his men. Four people enter the werehouse quickly holding two big crates. One of them open the crate with a crowbar, and showed me the contents of that box. Seen a few AK-47 poking out of the crate, Spike and Tiny rushed counted. "It’s all there" Spike said.

Suddenly we hear a shot from a distance, followed by the sound of the many motorcycle engine roared the night at the harbor. Spike saw me and said, "motherf*cking Angels Of Death". Ivan said: "What is this?". "How the hell I know, I just curious as you now !" I replied. Ivan's men ran toward the werehouse door with a ferocious right when I realized what was coming next. "They will be slaughtered" Tiny read my mind. And there was carnage in front of our eyes, in a few seconds later the bodies of dead several of Ivan’s men hit the ground. Me, Tiny and Spike off to find hiding, followed Ivan and the rest of his remaining mens. "Call the Broker chapter !" I yelled to Tiny. Tiny was hearing a dial tone when the werehouse door blast open and something slide into. "sh*t, it's a grenade!" Spike jumped out at me and Tiny. BOOOMMM! After an explosion that make ear sore, following the sound of a shot that was leading in all directions. We're all still busy overturned crates of port when there was one member of the Angels of Death shouting "Get the gun, then put it into the van". OH sh*t ! The shootout is one thing, but got our weapon stolen will make us face a big problem. "Broker chapter are heading here," said Tiny. "Shoot them!" Ivan suddenly command his mens. "Damn, this Russian are ruthless f*ck !"I told myself. I had to use shoot my pistol, as well as Tiny and Spike. Apparently AoD was not that close to the crates of weapons owned by us and are very surprised at our response. Spike jumps forward with the Russia, firing furiously. Amid all the chaos, there was someone shouting in panic from the AoD. "More of The Lost is coming!". "Yeah, it definitely Broker chapter !" I thought. "Let's get the f*ck outta here!" The AoD escapes, and the shootout came to an end.

After thanking the brothers of the Broker chapter, I went up to Ivan who was tending a wounded several of his men. "I hope that our deal is not disturb by this little mess" I said. "Easy for you to say, it’s not your men who was hurt" Ivan said with a growl. "Solve your problems with another motorcycle gang, then we can do business again" he added before get into his Rebla. "All right, let's get out of this damn place" I said to Spike and Tiny. On my way back to the clubhouse, I was imagining what would be scolding I got from Johnny. I took a deep breath .......

Don Giovanni
  • Don Giovanni

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#2274

Posted 16 April 2012 - 04:05 AM

sh*t, I totally forgot this. I'm gonna write for the Law again and maybe for one of the Italian families.

Build Up Your Gang
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#2275

Posted 18 April 2012 - 01:59 AM Edited by Build Up Your Gang, 18 April 2012 - 02:21 AM.

TheDandyManCan
Ancelotti Family| Sprunk Factory | Chapter 2 : Knee Deep in Taurine
$38 + $35 = $73

Firstly, WOW! 1412 words is a great length, more than I could expect. I can see you took my length problems to heart. As for your word count problem, you could use this if you don’t have one on your computer.

On the grammar front, it’s mostly good. If there’s one problem, it’s that you sometimes forget to put each new speaker on a new line.
Example: "What kind of work? I told you before, I'm clean now. Why me, anyhow? I'm not in this city to do anything for you pricks." But he replid, "Bill, either you do some work for us, or we gut all four of you like f*cking game hens, alright?" The second speaker should have been on a new line, like this:
"What kind of work? I told you before, I'm clean now. Why me, anyhow? I'm not in this city to do anything for you pricks."
"Bill, either you do some work for us, or we gut all four of you like f*cking game hens, alright?" he
replied. It makes it much easier to distinguish who’s speaking in a sentence.
Damnit should be Dammit and there are a few other spelling errors that sneak in like: sittfended, upeer, savior and aluminum. Respectively, they should be stiffened, upper, savior and aluminium.

Right, with that out of the way, time to talk about the story itself! There’s some nice fighting, some nice dialogue and I think its works well all in all. However, it’s often better to imply things then tell the reader strait out, which is something you do quite a bit of. Letting the reader figure things out for themselves is a great style of writing. So, instead of saying ”this seemed to intimidate the others” why not have the thugs do something that lets the reader decide that they’re intimidated, like ”the other thugs backed away slightly as they started to get shaky. Don’t tell your readers how to feel, let them figure it out for themselves.

Something else I found lacking was the characters. When the Ancelotti guy turns up again at the end, I was like “Oh, who was that guy again?” You haven’t characterized any of the supporting cast. The most interesting thing about creating characters is seeing how they interact with each other and it’s hard to remember which Ancelotti mobster is which. You haven’t described them or anything. At least give him an artificial name like ‘The Bearded Guy’ so that can help break up the confusion. Stories are driven by characters and their actions.

Lastly, don’t use ‘…’ in your narrative. You can have it in dialogue but in the narrative it’s lazy. Don’t have your character say ‘I thought’ in the narrative because the story is the character’s thoughts and it’s redundant. The story also falls into a bit of ‘I did this, I did that’ too much of the time.

Overall, a nice story that needs some polishing up. Keep at it.

batmankidal
The Lost MC| The Lost MC Clubhouse | Chapter 2 : The Deal With Russian
$27 + $3 = $30

The big, big issue with this story is the grammar! Or, to be more precise, the paragraph breaks! Now, whenever there is a new speaker, there is a new paragraph. Frankly, at the moment, the story is very, very ugly to read. Look at the following example:

”Hey James, take a left turn” said Angela so I turned left. “What’s the matter” said Eddie. “I don’t know” “Don’t be so glum” I said to Angela as I pulled into Silent Hill. “Where’s my beer?” I said to Eddie. “Ignore him.” Angela said.
This is how NOT to do it. It’s hard to tell who’s talking to whom, which happens in your story sadly. Each new speaker gets a new line, like the following example.
“Hey James, take a left turn” said Angela so I turned left.

“What’s the matter?” said Eddie.

“I don’t know”

“Don’t be so glum” I said to Angela as I pulled into Silent Hill.

“Where’s my beer?”

“Here it is Eddie” Angela said.
(yes, I have been playing a lot of Silent Hill 2)

This is much better, grammar wise. You can tell who’s speaking and isn’t an ugly block of text. This is the main issue holding your story back. The past and present tenses get mixed up a lot but I guess it’s a language barrier issue, so I won’t hamper on about it. Just FYI, “I was driving my Zombie in front of a van Tiny driven” should really be “I was driving my Zombie in front of a van Tiny was driving and “this guy is the craziest adrenaline junkies I've ever known” is actually this guy is the craziest adrenaline junkie I've ever known

Other than the big problem, there is some great potential. While I disapprove of using a game protagonist in your story, Klebitz is more of a background character so it’s okay. The action is fast and it looks like the beginning of an interesting story arc. Great length too (1039 words).

In conclusion, have another shot at it and try to get the grammar right, especially the paragraph breaks if nothing else.

-
TheDandyManCan
GangAncelotti Family Total
DetailsStory Count: 2
Active Property: Sprunk Factory
Money Earned: $73
Money Spent: $0
Last Post: Apr 15 2012
Money: $73
Stories: 2
Weapons---
Vehicles Presidente
batmankidal
GangThe Lost MCTotal
DetailsStory Count: 2
Active Property: The Lost MC clubhouse
Money Earned: $57
Money Spent: $25
Last Post: Apr 15 2012
Money: $30
Stories: 2
WeaponsPistol
VehiclesZombie
rated by AceRay

TheDandyManCan
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#2276

Posted 18 April 2012 - 07:05 PM

By the Nine, I double my word count? How did I manage that? Anyways, thanks for the feedback, again.

Also, I should buy myself a Combat Pistol.

Build Up Your Gang
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#2277

Posted 18 April 2012 - 10:18 PM

QUOTE (TheDandyManCan @ Wednesday, Apr 18 2012, 19:05)
By the Nine, I double my word count? How did I manage that? Anyways, thanks for the feedback, again.


Yeah, its scary how you can just go ape and write much more than what you were expecting. AceRay used to write giant,4000 sized monsters without knowing it.

QUOTE
Also, I should buy myself a Combat Pistol.


You should, shouldn't you? biggrin.gif

Consider it done. Everyone get writing.

Linki
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#2278

Posted 19 April 2012 - 08:33 AM

So, I'm not too sure how this works. Do I just write a possible scenario that involves a gang? What's this about "buying" guns and properties? Is their a set limit on how much you have to write? I think a story can be good without an excess of 700 plus words. And I don't need to have to worry about such things as word-counts away from school hah.


AceRay
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#2279

Posted 19 April 2012 - 09:00 AM

QUOTE (Linki @ Thursday, Apr 19 2012, 21:33)
So, I'm not too sure how this works.

Don't worry I'm here to help.

QUOTE
Do I just write a possible scenario that involves a gang?

What you do is pick a gang and write about them. If that's not enough, basically, your protagonist is part of a gang and they go around doing gang stuff like drug deals and shoot outs, you know, the fun stuff, and there's an overarc plot.

QUOTE
What's this about "buying" guns and properties?

After you've written a story, a staff member will rate it based on how good it is and give you some money. You can then use said money to buy weapons and cars (drugs haven't been set up yet). The trick is you're not allowed to use items you haven't bought, so if you don't have an assault rifle, you can't "use" it in your story. An assault rifle can appear in your story but the gang you chose can't shoot it or drive a car you don't own.

Example: You write for the Ancelotti Family. James, the protagonist, is a part of said gang. You haven't bought a Turismo so James can't drive one. Eddie, who's in another gang, can drive a Turismo. As long James (or any other Ancelotti member) doesn't directly drive that car, its okay.

F*ck, I hope that's not confusing. Sorry if it is, I'll try to simplify it.

However, for your first ever story, you get a pistol free of charge to use for that one story, so if you want to open with a massive gun fight, you can.

Properties are simply where your story is set. So, if you were part of the Albanian Mob and the property was The Platypus, that would be where the story is set. Its kind of like the main base if you will ie the protagonist works there.

QUOTE
Is their a set limit on how much you have to write? I think a story can be good without an excess of 700 plus words. And I don't need to have to worry about such things as word-counts away from school hah.


I agree that a story can be good in only 300 words or so, there was a influx of really short stories that were more like prologues than chapters. 700+ words is really just a guideline for substantial writing.


Linki
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#2280

Posted 19 April 2012 - 09:07 AM

Thanks a bunch man. I have some more queries if that's OK.

What sort of story should I avoid? I'm sure people have come in and posted stuff that wasn't intended. Can it just be a well written piece about a common gang activity (drive-by, robbery, drug deal, etc)?




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