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BUYG: Build Up Your Gang IV

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.2D
  • .2D

    Look at the Flowers.

  • Andolini Mafia Family
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#2131

Posted 07 March 2011 - 10:13 AM

Something tells me even the huge HOW TO JOIN section isn't going to stop some people asking.

As for me, it's time for my bi-monthly promise to get back around to writing here again.

Tyler_L320
  • Tyler_L320

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#2132

Posted 09 March 2011 - 10:34 PM Edited by Tyler_L320, 11 March 2011 - 09:41 AM.

Sign me up for The Lost MC in The Lost Clubhouse please cool.gif
Think I'll wait till I beat The Lost and Damned before I do this though.

the mighty kubelgog
  • the mighty kubelgog

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#2133

Posted 17 March 2011 - 11:40 PM Edited by the mighty kubelgog, 19 March 2011 - 05:35 AM.

can you sign me up for petrovic bratva at the cabaret club please?
the idea of this is really interesting and i want to try my hand at writing.

Part 1 chapter 1
I remember the meeting perfectly. You have to when it has that kind of backlash on a city. Despite the fact that it happened three years ago.

A representative from all relevant gangs and crime organizations were there. The whole commission, playboy from the north Holland hustlers, Johnny klebitz from the lost biker gang, Hsin Jamming of the triads, as well as the leader of the Spanish lords, though he came out from the Midwest and I didn’t recognize him. And lastly there was Kenny petrovic and myself. I was acting as security in case anything went down that wasn’t supposed too. There was just one person left to wait for. We all waited anxiously not knowing when he would arrive. There was small chatter between the gang leaders but I was too far away to make out anything.

“Alright what is so f*cking important that you drag me out here to this abandoned warehouse at the docks’. I have a very busy life you know!” said Francis mcreary, the newly appointed commissioner of the l.c.p.d, as he brushed by me through the door of the warehouse.

“Ah! Finally we are blessed by youre presence Francis” said Kenny petrovic. ”however I think we should get this meeting underway as soon as possible as there are issues to discuss”.

“We aren’t going to sugar coat it Francis”. Continued Harvey noto, the serving boss of the Messina family. “Today is the last day of peace in the city for a long time. As of tomorrow, we are all at war. I think we can all say that it’s the start of uhhhh…what’s the word….cleansing.

Jon gravelli interrupted. “For the last year we have been having meetings. It started off as just the commission. But we learned that other members of organized crime in liberty city wanted to join in as well. Gradually every crime syndicate in the city had a rep at our meetings. Trying to work out our problems like civilized men, but we came to the conclusion that this was no longer possible”.

Shocked, Francis could only stutter out,” Then why am I here, what do you want from me?

“See what we’re trying to say man is that you need to get on board with this, you know what I’m sayin?”Replied playboy.

Kenny petrovic continued, “We could make this look very bad on you Francis. New police commissioner comes in and suddenly there’s a massive spike in robberies, murders, assault, all that good stuff. How would you like that huh? You would be fired in less than a year. You would be run out of the police department”. (Francis doesn’t respond, still in dismay at what he’s hearing) “Or….” He pauses, possibly for dramatic effect but really with Kenny you couldn’t tell. “You could let it be”.

“Every time a body gets dropped by one of us we will get in touch with you”. “You will not investigate further in the murder and you will cease to investigate organized crime in this city”. “When somebody starts snooping around in youre department, start’s putting their noses in places they shouldn’t, we will give you something to go on.” Vincent Lupisella, head of the lupisella family explained.

“F*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck!!! Why are you doing this to me” Mcreary bellowed as he dropped to his knees, his body crumbled. I thought it was embarrassing that our police commissioner would cower at the first sight of a problem.

“I will be in touch Francis” Said Kenny as he lit up a cigar and walked calmly by him towards me. And with that the meeting was adjourned. I stepped out into the rain to go get the rebla Kenny followed. “Drive me back to the club Lev, I need a f*cking drink”. We sat in silence our way back. I just drove in my own thoughts. Kenny had only told me a fraction of what I heard today. I had been doing this job for a long time. And I can’t remember the last time I was this scared. Everyone at war in a city with some of the most ruthless killers in the world? However I knew I was in good hands. Kenny is one of the most powerful people in the world, people called him the Russian Pablo Escobar. Before I knew it we were there. I parked just up the street on Gibson. We walked quickly to the club to avoid the downpour. As we walked in we were greeted like celebrities, I guess this is what comes when you hang around a guy like Kenny petrovic. “Ah Rolan give me two vodkas for me and my good friend here”. After a few hours of drinking and talking strategy for the upcoming weeks we both passed out at the bar.

I awoke to a pounding headache and the sound of a man talking quietly. I looked around in a daze. Finally my eyes focused and found its target. I saw the news anchor on the TV screen beside the bar, he seemed distraught, and the headline under him read:Fourteen dead in night of horror.

I didn’t think those all could be mob hits right? It had to be a coincidence. Kenny had already left so I paid my tab for the previous night and took off. Just as I went through the front doors I heard my phone ring. “Hello...who is this?” “You are a f*cking dead man Lev Tolstoy, a f*cking dead man!”They hung up. I couldn’t tell who it was. My mind was clogged.my brain felt like it was clawing at the sides of my skull. I just wanted to get home and take a shower. I walked toward my car. I fumbled for the keys in my coat pocket. I was about 10 meters away from the car when I turned it on. The next few seconds were a blur, I heard screams everywhere. I was laying on my back in extraordinary amounts of pain. Breathing was rapidly becoming a struggle. There was a ball of fire where the car used to be and the sound of sirens was ringing in my ears. I got the message loud and clear.

That was the day liberty city went to war.

N1k0 B3ll1c
  • N1k0 B3ll1c

    "I may suck at life, but i bowl like an angel"

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#2134

Posted 18 March 2011 - 11:03 AM

Can I be part of The Law at Police Stations?

WelcomeToLibertyCity
  • WelcomeToLibertyCity

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#2135

Posted 18 March 2011 - 10:21 PM

Been awhile since I've set foot in this place, hahaha.

aragond
  • aragond

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#2136

Posted 19 March 2011 - 04:21 AM

QUOTE (N1k0 B3ll1c @ Mar 18 2011, 21:03)
Can I be part of The Law at Police Stations?

Read the first page of this thread to find out!

Folks,
My apologies I've not been around (and while I can't speak for Mav', I'm sure he'd say the same). Between a mother in intensive care, a job giving me the sh!ts, a personal life I wouldn't f**king inflict on hitler, I'm stuck in the worst f**king year at the moment and it's not gonna get any better soon, me thinks.
I dunno what to tell yas.
When the clouds break, I'll try to return to ratings and my storyline. But, honestly, I've looked from the highest mountain and I can't see one yet.
In the meanwhile, perhaps some of the other staff can chip in.
Aragond

N1k0 B3ll1c
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#2137

Posted 19 March 2011 - 01:34 PM

I might as well post my first story.

Gang: The Law

Location: Broker Police Station



Nikolai Cheznervrahkingson has just come off the boat from Russia, looking to make a living as a police officer.

Early the next morning, he goes to the Broker Police Station, looking to apply for a job. He has a friend from Russia working on the force, named Mak Nuuahkingstonn.

He finds Mak outside the Station.

"Mak! It is so good to see you!"

"NIKOLAI! YOUR FINALLY HERE! What are you going to do?"

"Well, comrade, I am looking for a job here at the police station."

"You've come to the right place. I can get you in. Come with me" Mak says to Nikolai, leading him to the front door.

They find the Recruiter, Mike Jozanson.

"Mike, my friend here, Nikolai Cheznervrahkingson, desperately needs a job here." Mak says to the Recruter.

"Do you have ANY experience with guns, Mr. Cheznervrahkingson?" Mike says to the Russian.

"I was in the Yugoslavia War. Every day I shot someone." Nikolai says to Recruiter Mike.

"Ok. We'll see what we can do. Do you have any criminal record?" Mike says to Nikolai.

"No." Nikolai says, getting impatient.

"We'll see what we can do. I'll tell Seargent Wes Righton that Mak referred you. We will have Mak come and get you tomorrow to see the Seargent. Where to you live?"

"I live right across the Station." Nikolai says.

"Ok. Get out of here now." Mike says.


End of my first chapter.




Osric
  • Osric

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#2138

Posted 20 March 2011 - 01:03 AM

I'm back, ready to pick up my stories for the Ancelottis.

the mighty kubelgog
  • the mighty kubelgog

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#2139

Posted 20 March 2011 - 01:32 AM Edited by the mighty kubelgog, 20 March 2011 - 03:47 AM.

I would love to hear some feedback from my first story. But I realize that real life sometimes can get in the way lol. On that note, here is the second installment of the story of lev Tolstoy.

Part 1 chapter 2

That day was the first of April 2008.today is March 19 2011. Since then there have been 3461 murders in liberty city, that’s 1153 murders per year, the highest it has been for the last 30 years. More then 2/3 are believed to be gang related. Only five people from the meeting were still the head of their gangs, john gravelli passed away from old age, playboy was murdered along with Giovanni Ancelotti and hsin jamming. My head swam, every day I thought about that meeting. That should have been when I told him. I should have just gotten out right then and there before this whole mess started. But it’s too late now. And then I thought about Francis mcreary. That stupid Irish bastard let it all happen. He’s the head of the police but he lets this happen, it made me sick just thinking about it. And all these murders going unnoticed because he told the department “not to care”.

I looked at the half empty bottle of vodka beside my hand on the counter, the bronze liquid shimmering in the dimmed light of my kitchen. I was waiting for Alexei to call, Alexei was the Obshchak, the guy who handled the money. It was around 3 so I decided to head out in hope of finding some food. But just as I walked out the door he called. “Lev come to the club, Kenny need’s to speak to you” I closed the phone and hailed a cab. I no longer used my own cars since the incident, they were far too risky.

I walked into the backroom of the club. There were two men counting money on one side of the room and Alexei and Kenny sitting at a wooden table on the other side. “Close the door and take a seat” it wasn’t really the warmest welcome I had been expecting.” Lev we are short on muscle, you know this.” I nodded along.” So I was speaking of this problem to a man in charm city. He calls himself the deacon. And he said that recently the cops down there busted a very large criminal organization. And they had some of the finest muscle the east coast has to offer. These men however did not get caught so they are now out of work. I talked to one of them on the phone and they said they would be down here today. I need you to go pick them up from Francis international, there’s going to be a lot of them so Alexei will take a second car”. I got out of my seat and walked out with Alexei right behind me.

I fastened myself into the rebla. Drove in formation straight to the airport and parked in front. This was when I realized I didn’t know what I was looking for. I heard a voice behind me.

“ey man you Lev? We comin from charm city, the deacon done told us your boss needed some help with some sh*t. I turned around to find seven black men behind me. ”uhh yes I’m Lev”

“aight that’s cool man. My name is snoop. And these here boys are Chris, wee-bey, slim Charles, bodie and Michael, and this guy here” he points to the last man.” I don’t know who the f*ck he is man he says his name be ughh….what the f*ck yo name be again?

“Just call me brother” he says. This last man intrigued me. He was dressed in a suite and a bowtie while the others wore their street clothes. He spoke in a much more mannerly fashion as well, calm and assertive.
“Alright well no time to waste, get in the cars”. Alexei said from behind me. Slim Charles wee-bey and Chris got in my car the others went to Alexei.

In the car the other guys were all talking to each other, something about the local cops busting a guy called Avon Stanfield. I zoned out after a while and just tried to get us back to the club safely.

We couldn’t have been in the car for more than 20 minutes when I noticed something in my rearview mirror. There was a car that had been right behind us almost since we left the airport. I knew something was wrong. “It looks like you guys will be tested right away “.I said nervously. “After I get off the highway there will be a gas stop to our left, we park there, I will get out and pretend to make a call. When they park somewhere near the gas station I will need you to get out of the car a light them up. Do you all understand?” they nodded. This is what my instincts told me to do. And they almost never failed me. I parked up and walked away from the car. I only saw the man in the car opposite me for a split second before they started shooting . The newly acquired muscle got out of the rebla and opened fire. I took out my pistol and started shooting as well.

“DON’T MESS WITH VINCENT LUPISELLA.DO IT AGAIN AND YOU ALL DIE”. One of the men shouted from across the street. Bullets where flying everywhere, I was behind a gas tank. Obviously not the greatest place to stay when bullets are being fired, I made a dash to the car where the rest of the guys I picked up where hiding behind. I stopped shooting and waited briefly. I could hear tires screeching form across the street. They were leaving. I sneaked a look over the hood of the rebla. Nothing… We got back into the car and I put the vehicle into full throttle on the way back to the club.

“What the hell was that all about” Chris asked

“I’m not sure.”I replied, why was Vincent Lupisella angry with us I wondered? We had finally come to terms with him and had a cease fire. What had Kenny done?

I screeched to a halt in front of the club. Take the car and drive to the diner on 69th street, its just a couple of block's away from here. you must all be hungry after the trip. i will call you once im done in here.

I burst open the doors to the front entrance. Kenny was hunched over at the bar taking a shot”. “Ah you have come back with what I ask for yes?”Kenny says when he sees me.

“yes they are at you're diner,but We were attacked on our way back here, by Vincent Lupisella, why have you angered him Kenny. We cannot afford this, what happened?” I replied quickly. I had too many questions.

Kenny grew a dark look on his face. He took one last shot.” We had a disagreement.” He replied sternly. Not wanting anymore questions fired his way.

“Kenny you have to tell me about these things!” I urged him, frustrated that he was yet again drunk and not wanting to answer my questions about the organization.” You will not be around forever, and when you pass away. I will be taking over, you have said so yourself. And when I do take over I will need to know about these things.” I said loud enough for the whole club to hear.

His face was a was a crazy shade of red. He grabbed my cheeks with both hands.” I do not plan to leave anytime soon! So we do not speak of this do you understand me?” his grip was tight, like an anaconda strangling its prey. He let go. “Come with me.” He said as he turned around and head for the backroom. He opened the door and I locked it shut behind me. We slumped into chairs opposite each other. The wooden table absorbing the air between us. “Where do we go from here?” he asked

I have no idea, I mean I think we should talk to Francis. About ending this thing!” I replied. Eagerly hoping he would agree.

“I think maybe youre right. Maybe it is time to end this horror.” he sighed and rubbed his eyes.” Do you know why youre parents gave you youre name?” he asked me.

“Because Leo Tolstoy was one of my ancestors, and they thought it would make me smarter and wiser.” I replied, not sure how this related to the current subject.

“And they were right.” he said in a matter of fact voice. “I will only say this once Lev, despite the fact that you are only 29. You are one of the wisest men I have ever met. This is why you are my Sovietnik. And this is why I completely trust you with the organization after my death. Because I trust that no matter what details I have left out about the past, no matter what I do to tarnish the legacy of the petrovic bratva. You will fix it. And I trust you more than anybody else in the world.

“Thank you Kenny that means a lot” I paused, searching my brain for the right words. “But for me to do well when I take over I need to be as involved in the decision making as possible, as much as you will allow I mean.” Not wanting to sound ungrateful for the speech he just gave me. I was cut off by loud banging at the door.

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK. “Kenny are you there?” The unknown voice says urgently.

“Come in” he says nervously.

The man rushed through the door with blood on his clothes. it was one of our Shestyorka (errand boy). He could not have been older than 17.” Alexei was hit by two bullets on his way back from the airport, I was at Oleg’s house receiving treatment for my shoulder when he came in and was bleeding. Oleg says I was to come here and inform you of the situation while he took out the bullets and stitched him up.”

I had completely forgotten about Alexei. “Where are the others, the people in his car I mean?” “

“i think they went to go check out there new apartment's in middle park, they are all well though, they carried Alexei in.” He replied

I looked at Kenny, he had a look of utter sorrow. We had lost many people recently. Pavlev, Aleksander, Sergei. Kenny had dealt with these blows by drinking heavily. I told him he needed to let me help and take more responsibility while he cooled down, but he wouldn’t listen. He thought as everyone in the organization as family. And losing this much family so quickly was hard to deal with.

He finally met my eyes.” Go get the car, round up the kryshas from the diner and the apartment. I will call the commissioner…

Maverick24
  • Maverick24

    Crackhead

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#2140

Posted 21 March 2011 - 07:44 PM

QUOTE (aragond @ Mar 19 2011, 04:21)
QUOTE (N1k0 B3ll1c @ Mar 18 2011, 21:03)
Can I be part of The Law at Police Stations?

Read the first page of this thread to find out!

Folks,
My apologies I've not been around (and while I can't speak for Mav', I'm sure he'd say the same). Between a mother in intensive care, a job giving me the sh!ts, a personal life I wouldn't f**king inflict on hitler, I'm stuck in the worst f**king year at the moment and it's not gonna get any better soon, me thinks.
I dunno what to tell yas.
When the clouds break, I'll try to return to ratings and my storyline. But, honestly, I've looked from the highest mountain and I can't see one yet.
In the meanwhile, perhaps some of the other staff can chip in.
Aragond

Aragond, sorry to hear about all your troubles. You have my best wishes.

I feel guilty that my particular reason for lack of activity is less of a tale of woe and more just that my time is consumed by work and socializing.

Anyway i pledge to put some more time into this and to get the ratings, which have built up to be quite a hefty backlog, completed. I,have got a new phone that should mean I can do some of this at more unusual times, too.

I encourage everyone to partake anyway. Even without ratings, writing can be an absolute BLAST. Please don't be discouraged by a lack of visible staffing. I certainly do read everything that is posted.

Build Up Your Gang
  • Build Up Your Gang

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#2141

Posted 25 March 2011 - 12:02 AM Edited by Build Up Your Gang, 25 March 2011 - 12:34 AM.

Ratings time!!!!!

Staff apologises to everyone who has had to wait so long. Even more to those who aren’t being rated here. These ratings cover the stories posted against the old system. So, only a quick one: 3 stories rated.

The Lost Biker
Triads | Underground Weapon Store | Meet the Bosses
$28 + $329 = $357
Big apologies to yourself. You have had an enormous wait of 83 days. Nearly 12 weeks!!
A nice length for an introductory piece. However, a lot happens in this scene and as a result no single event really gets the attention it deserves.
Slight critique against the events:
Marcus arrives in America on the same boat as Niko Bellic.
This retells the story of Niko’s arrival in America. Marcus wasn’t in GTA IV, nor was this conversation, so it doesn’t fit with the world you write for.
Roman picks them up and takes Marcus to his place.
Again, doesn’t fit the canon of GTA IV, also this drive is a definite part of the game and even less possible to retell in your own way.
Why does Marcus have a luxury Penthouse but need to enter America on an immigrant boat?

Marcus gets home, changes, then gets a taxi to a Burger Shot to meet the head of the Triads.
Doesn’t seem a likely way to meet the head of the Triads. Also, the whole premise that Marcus joins the Triads because he likes bikers is ridiculous. Marcus also knows where to tell the taxi to go before Hsin calls.
Marcus is inducted into the Traids, then holds up the Burger Shot and escapes with his twin brother, Luis.
Seems a pretty silly way to be inducted into the Traids. Would this event not mean that the police would be able to connect the robbery to Hsin, head of the Triads?
Further, Luis has a brother, who isn’t a twin. This is discussed in TBOGT with H and L, and therefore your character does not fit the world of GTA IV.

Marcus and Luis meet the head of Triads again, who tells them to go and get some stolen drugs back.
They go to Bohan and meet an Army of Angel’s of Death, to take on another army of unaffiliated gang types.
A big explosion.

This whole second final section might have been better made into another chapter. Also, the size of this army of non-gang members is ridiculous. Fifty people? How can that not be a gang? And one hundred from the Angels? This needs a bit more grasp of perspective on numbers I think.
Ultimately, the whole narrative feels like a rush through a load of pretty poorly conceived events. I’ve made this commentary on a number of other stories, but seriously consider making more out of less.
Language is a mixed bag. You started well, but more mistakes crept in as the piece progressed. Use of paragraphs and line breaks needs revising. Your spelling is ok, but sentence structure and punctuation has some errors, but nothing that means it isn’t readable.
Overall, a good effort but unfortunately a poor result. Next time, take your time with writing and ensuring that you’re developing a story and not just firing events out. Also, think about why things happen and if they are really believable and consistent with GTA IV.

vinnygorgeous
Gambetti Crime Family | Leisure Centre | 3: Clowns to the Left Jokers to the Right
$46 + $1,702 = $1,748
This is a brilliant story, vinny. A really first-rate mix of drama and action, well-written and
Johnny is a well formed and respectably complex character. His inner monologues fit his situation well and set a nice tone to compliment the sinister events of the actual story; and also are a good mechanism for telling two stories at once: the mob one and the personal one.
The dialogue is fantastic, but I might recommend that you add more description to who is saying what and [/i]how[/i] they are saying it. Take for instance:
QUOTE
“Johnny boy.”

Give me a f*cking minute to myself you toxic mother f*ckers, just one minute that’s all I ask.

“Johnny boy its Sarah she sounds pissed.”

It isn’t immediately clear who says the original line, which doesn’t matter so much. However it is also hard to gauge the tone of the voice until it is qualified by the third line, especially as the words “Johnny noy” sound quite jolly and lively. This uncertainty in how it reads means that the reader is always a line behind in properly comprehending the dialogue. I would recommend a small qualifier such as:
QUOTE
”Johnny boy,” said a meek voice behind me.

Doing so means that as soon as the reader passes the sentence he knows[ its tone. Further, it confirms that the speaker is one of the aforementioned members of Johnny’s crew who we know are behind him. This is an issue you let slip in on a few more occasions:
QUOTE
“Do you think they’ll still be there?”

QUOTE
“We waited an hour but then…

QUOTE
“Did you notice anything different when you walked in?”

These are the most major occasions when a sequence of dialogue began and I was left guessing as to who was talking for at least one or two lines or a few sentences of prose. It’s good that you aren’t writing like “he said, she said, I said, he said, I said” as that gets very tiring very soon. However, don’t totally ignore identifying the speaker when writing dialogue. Plus point though, you have corrected the paragraphing matter that I raised in my previous review.
I’ve focussed on this issue quite heavily as, to be honest, there is little to focus on otherwise. This piece is too strong. Good job.
vinnygorgeous, can I ask that you tally up the scores of and count the stories that you wish adding to you Writer’s Card. Staff will be happy to create this for you, however I only ask that you help here to reduce my workload in searching through the whole thread. Also:
QUOTE
I realise my timing could be better but I don't really feel comfortable still being listed as a staff member…

I would encourage you not to feel so undeserving. You have posted recent reviews (respectively to most ) and provide input. Plus you are a quality writer than is an asset to have as a part of the team. I ask you to reconsider and confirm later if you no longer intend to be a member of staff.

VinnieLeone
Pavano Crime Family | The Pillows Club | Chapter 1: A New Castellamarse War
$32 + $728 = $760
Just to clear an issue on this one. Properties under the new system will not require “purchasing”, however will be added to a players Writer’s Card as they wish. In this case though, this story is rated under the previous system, and as such I will add The Pillows Club to the list of properties for the Pavanos. However, it has already been allocated to the Messina Family under the new system. Can I ask you to find somewhere else for your next story?
Also, welcome back after quite an absence!
Let’s get a negative out of the way firstly. Your general grammar needs a bit more work. Make sure you re-read and re-re-read everything you write to iron out small mistakes. Just taking the first paragraphs:
QUOTE
A lot of people say that the 1950’s was the mafia’s golden age . I think the age never really left.
The 90’s established the basic rat f*ck who would betray his own to save his own skin.
The 2000’s brought the F.I.B crack ed down on us , B ut the Five Families, let s face it, not a molecule of power has left us. My name is Simon “Joey” Scarfo-Palermo, and I’m Acting Capo for my boss Paulie DeCicco.
The Commission has decided that they milked Liberty for all she’s worth and time to move down south. , Las Venturas is untouchable thanks to the Galante Family , and Carcer City is now in the Leone Family hands, both rising families ready to snatch power away from the Five Families . B ut the Ancelotti, Pavano, and Gambetti families still have ties to the old country, the only thing protecting us. Now Florida was Cipriano Family turf, but they are willing to do business with us. I earned my bones during the Pegorino-Pavano War when I whacked Pegorino’s consigliore. I don’t know what Alderney is doing now but they’re making money with those two timing bikers. But anyway, my best friends aren’t even Italian, well with the exception of Rocco, they’re Irish. Noah and Saint Michael are the funniest, caring, psychopathic killers a man could ever have. With their ties, I “acquired” this old bar from the Cipriano’s… someplace called Sonny’s Palace.

I know a lot of this is nit-picking. But it’s important that the smallest details of language are correct so that the overall meaning is not lost at all. This sort of mistake is common throughout the whole piece and, given the length, makes reading somewhat arduous. Remember, critically, to properly split paragraphs with a line-break and to add one between each new speaker.
Overall, I like the story. However, it is quite fragmented and skips about quite unpredictably, making it harder to really follow.
The whole girlfriend scene was particularly well done. This was a hard one to get right and you gauged it well.
On the other hand, the father-son flashback was a confused mess. Really, what was going on there? This type of scene may have worked on television as imagery could help fill the message. But, as it is, there’s just chaos!
Overall, well done. The length is hugely commendable, but it could have used a good deal more consistency. It will be good to see how things play out in Florida.
Also, VinnieLeone, can I ask you to tally up your scores for the various gangs you have wrote for so that I can produce an accurate Writer’s Card for you under the new system.

So , that concludes BUYG:IV under the old system. Following this, I am including the final tallies for the gangs under that system. This will be used to build the first complete round of Writer’s Cards.

The Gangs

Pegorino Family
LocationPropertyGang MemberStory Count
Alderney
Pegorino's Mansion
Vercetti27
10
Alderney
Honker's
Mr.c TO the J
1
Alderney
Recycling Plant
aragond
17
Algonquin
Garbage Disposal Inc.
Unoriginal44
3
Algonquin
Drusilla's
Rucke
44 (54)
WeaponsKnife, Baseball Bat, Pistol,
Combat Pistol, Molotovs,
Combat Shotgun, Sniper Rifle
VehiclesSentinel, Coquette, PMP 600,
Squalo, Speedo
Money$4,157
Assets---
Drug Facilities---
Drugs---
The Gambetti Family
LocationPropertyGang MemberStory Count
Broker
Gravelli Mansion
Slingaa
5
Dukes
Al Dente's
Sanjeem
4
Broker
Come Clean (drycleaners)
Pac.
1
Dukes
Italian Bakery
El Zilcho
35 (56)
Algonquin
Leisure Centre
vinnygorgeous
9 (20)
WeaponsKnife, Baseball Bat, Pistol,
Combat Pistol, Micro-SMG, Sawn-Off Shotgun,
Pump Shotgun, Assault Shotgun, Assault Rifle,
Pipe Bombs, Grenade Launcher, Sniper Rifle
VehiclesSentinel, Intruder, Cognoscenti,
PMP 600, Schafter, Presidente
Money$1,748
Assets---
Drug Facilities---
Drugs---
The Pavano Family
LocationPropertyGang MemberStory Count
Alderney
Auto Eroticar
Maverick24
3 (+16)
Bohan
Industrial Dock Yard
mark-2007
3
Algonquin
Marco's Tobacco & Beer Shop
Tyla
1
Dukes
The Pillow Club
VinnieLeone
1
WeaponsKnife, Baseball Bat, Pistol,
Grenades, Pump Shotgun, Micro-SMG,
Sniper Rifle
VehiclesSentinel, PMP 600
Money$760
Assets---
Drug Facilities---
Drugs---
Petrovic Bratva
LocationPropertyGang MemberStory Count
Broker
Hove Beach Adult Shop
pro.assassin
2
Broker
Cabaret Club
Benjimino234
3
Broker
Comrades
Osric
1 (no idea)
Broker
69th Street Diner
Tarnell
2 (+4)
Alderney
Kenny Petrovic's Mansion
Spank-head69
4
WeaponsBaseball Bat, Knife, Pistol,
Combat Pistol, Pump Shotgun, Micro-SMG, Molotovs
VehiclesRebla, Turismo
Money$713
Assets---
Drug Facilities---
Drugs---
Albanian Mob
LocationPropertyGang MemberStory Count
Broker
Platypus
AceRay
1
Broker
Hardware Store
kid23455
3
Bohan
Pill Pharmacy
Phone Number
1
Bohan
Deli Grocery Tobacco Shop
Kaizer Chief
1
WeaponsBaseball Bat, Pistol, Micro-SMG
VehiclesFuto, Sabre, Hakumai
Money$150
Assets---
Drug Facilities---
Drugs---
Irish Mob
LocationPropertyGang MemberStory Count
Dukes
McReary Household
iTz Macca
1
Dukes
Steinway Beer Garden
bhlegend
11
Algonquin
Lucky Winkles Bar
Tyla
1
WeaponsKnife, Combat Pistol, Micro-SMG,
Pistol, Pump Shotgun, Assault Rifle,
Grenades
VehiclesVincent, Hakumai, Oracle
Money$2,085
Assets---
Drug Facilities---
Drugs---
The Lost MC
LocationPropertyGang MemberStory Count
Alderney
The Lost Clubhouse
Tycek
10
Alderney
Ammunition
mrpain
3 (58)
Alderney
Meth Lab
Yamifly
3
Alderney
Marty's Bikershop
The Virus
2
WeaponsKnife, Pistol, Sawn-Off Shotgun, Pipe Bombs
VehiclesZombie, Sultan, Hellfury
Money$1,257
Assets---
Drug Facilities---
Drugs---
Angels of Death
LocationPropertyGang MemberStory Count
Dukes
Beechwood Burger Shot
TUBBSthezombie
1 (6)
Dukes
Hi-Way Auto-Shop
.2D
9
Algonquin
Angels of Death Clubhouse
Big_Mitch_Baker
11
Broker
Navy Yard
Katalix
1
WeaponsKnife, Pool Cue, Combat Pistol,
Pipe Bombs, Micro SMG, Sawn-off Shotgun,
Assault Rifle, Grenades.
VehiclesHellfury, Zombie
Money$535
Assets---
Drug Facilities---
Drugs---
Hillside Posse
LocationPropertyGang MemberStory Count
Dukes
Homebrew Cafe
WelcomeToLibertyCity
1 (7)
Dukes
Real Badman's Apartment Complex
Gorecauser
1 (1)
WeaponsBaseball Bat, Pump Shotgun
VehiclesVoodoo, Huntley Sport
Money$273
Assets---
Drug Facilities---
Drugs---
North Holland Hustlers
LocationPropertyGang MemberStory Count
Algonquin
Dwayne's Apartment
Masterkraft
0 (9)
Algonquin
Playboy X's Loft
VinnieLeone
4
Bohan
The Triangle Club
apm54
1
WeaponsKnife, Micro-SMG
VehiclesVigero, Patriot
Money$708
Assets---
Drug Facilities---
Drugs---
M.O.B.
LocationPropertyGang MemberStory Count
Broker
Firefly Projects Crack Den
Vidalo
1
Broker
Native Engines Auto Parts
mati1501
1
Broker
Big Bad Al's
---
0
Broker
XXX Video Shop
---
0
Algonquin
Rubin Swingers Basketball Courts
skramz
0
WeaponsKnife, Pistol
VehiclesFuto, Sabre GT
Money$369
Assets---
Drug Facilities---
Drugs---
Torres Cartel
LocationPropertyGang MemberStory Count
Bohan
Elizabeta's Apartment
radicell
0
Algonquin
Old Hospital
Armaggedon Day
1
WeaponsBaseball Bat, Pistol, Molotovs
VehiclesEmperor, Cavaclade
Money$741
Assets---
Drug Facilities---
Drugs3.5 grams cocaine
Spanish Lords
LocationPropertyGang MemberStory Count
Bohan
Sprunk Warehouse
greenhound
1
Bohan
Muscle Mary's Hotrods Auto-Shop
---
0
Bohan
South Bohan Projects
Colt M14
1 (30)
WeaponsKnife, Baseball Bat, Pistol
VehiclesPrimo, Cavaclade
Money$937
Assets---
Drug Facilities---
Drugs---
Triads
LocationPropertyGang MemberStory Count
Dukes
Sum Yung Gai
AK 47 Hitman
1
Dukes
Tattoo Parlour
Jacky Fiend
1
Algonquin
Chinatown Arcade
iam1
1
Algonquin
Underground Weapons Store
TheLostBiker
1
WeaponsKnife, Micro-SMG
VehiclesFeroci, Pony, Intruder VX
Money$357
Assets---
Drug Facilities---
Drugs---
Korean Mob
LocationPropertyGang MemberStory Count
Alderney
Mr. Fuk's Rice Box
---
0
Alderney
Car Dealership
Ecc3ntrik
5
WeaponsBaseball Bat, Pistol
VehiclesPMP 600, Presidente
Money$384
Assets---
Drug Facilities---
Drugs---

Build Up Your Gang
  • Build Up Your Gang

    Join BUYG Today!

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  • Joined: 24 Mar 2008

#2142

Posted 25 March 2011 - 12:19 AM

Now for more ratings. These two take us right up to the launch of the new system on the 7th of Feb, a ridiculous 6 weeks ago!

This really means the beginning of the new system. I will try and update Writer’s Cards as soon as I can. This has taken plenty of time already tonight.

Osric
Ancelotti Crime Family | Alderney Fruit Market | Chapter 1
$39 + $0 = $39
A nice and simple story here. But also a quite original one. The characters are new and unlike the vast majority of archetypes that people usually write about. Initially I disliked the name-dropping way you mention various things that Johnny is into ”( Princess Robot Bubblegum and Fullmetal Alchemist are my faves)” , however I kind of think it fits the character very well: suits his fan-boyishness (word?) .
I’ll be interested to see how this develops. Lita and Johnny already have an interesting relationship and I hope that this depth translates to the other aspects of the story equally.
I can’t comment too much more on this, as very little happens. While interesting as it is, it could have done with an event of some sort to add a bit of spice.
Nice job. I await the next piece.
Also, Osric, please could you tally up scores and story counts so I can build your Writer’s Card. You will notice your current score is zero. I will update this when you can provide details of what it should be.

Francis Szumilo
Ancelottii Crime Family | Waste Management Plant | Chapter 1: A woman's best friend, a man's worst enemy
$40 + $0 = $0
Francis writing about Francis? Am I correct to assume you are posting as the protagonist? If so, this is one of the most genuinely original and brilliant ideas I have ever come across. I urge you, if this is the case, the remain in character every time you post in this thread!
This chapter is fantastic. In terms or context, I can pretty well locate the events in GTA: within the main-canon of the story due to Jimmy Peg being alive, and after the events of Niko killing Frank Garone.
I terms of narrative the characters are well introduced and given true personalities. The events gather pace nicely, building to a very tense climax. I was rushing the reading at the end which is a good sign that it was gripping and absorbing. However, it did start to fall apart in terms of language towards the end.
Dialogue is fantastic, although a bit too heavy. Some more description would be good to flesh out the way characters interact and behave. Your descriptions of characters should always be moulded towards a particular interest or purpose. Take your introductory line for example, of Francis charging at one of the workers: it holds no real purpose and leads nowhere, other than to frame Francis as the man in charge.
I really like the way you focus on minor aspects to embody a scenario. Things such as the barrel of the Glock on the back of Francis’s neck are really quality. Also, the little fight in the car is well done as it’s underwritten. You could have had explosions and super-firefights but, instead, you chose to kick someone in the face and climb out of the window. Commendable choice of a suitable and believable piece of writing.
Unfortunately, the final line is just too ambiguous to finish the story on. It seems you’re leaving the reader with the question of whether or not Francis is dead, however the description of a black oval-shaped object coming towards his face is totally questionable and doesn’t nail the impact that this type of conclusion requires.
Overall, however, very excellent job. Particularly for a first post. Glad to have you on-board.

The following are awaiting rating:

AceRay
The Albanian Mob
Chapter 2: Ghosting Gez

$ rating pending

the mighty kubelgog
Petrovic Bravta | The Caberet Club
Part 1, Chapter 1

$ rating pending
Ratings by Maverick24, who also notes with joy that his title has changed to “crackhead”. The irony will become clear to all who watch this space!

TheHongKongWind
  • TheHongKongWind

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#2143

Posted 25 March 2011 - 07:12 AM

i am joining Triads

Colt M14
  • Colt M14

    BUYGIV: Spanish Lords

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  • Joined: 28 Feb 2009

#2144

Posted 25 March 2011 - 08:46 AM

Gosh, what is this?! Who am I?! I'm not sure. It's been about 2 years since I came here last. I read all my posts and gosh was I an asshole. Well, I've changed. I'm also a better writer. If you've never heard of me, I wrote for MOB, Lost and Spanish Lords back in the day. Excuse me if I seem like a noob, I'm pretty new to all this new format and I need to read up on the rules.

I'm also a staff member for BUYG and have been for a while, I guess I could help with the marking after I get re-established here. Anywho, off I go for a nice bubble bath.

WelcomeToLibertyCity
  • WelcomeToLibertyCity

    City of Angels

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  • Joined: 26 Aug 2008

#2145

Posted 26 March 2011 - 12:56 AM

It's been ages since I was around, i'm so clueless to how things are done in this new system. If available, I'd like a position in the Pegorino's. Preferably somewhere within Algonquin. While I was inactive I read and watched a lot of book and documentaries on the American mafia. I'm hoping to create a more uniquoe and realistic mob story this time around.

Though I'm sorry to admit I won't be doing anymore ratings. I find these days I rarely get time to write let alone read and rate other people's writing.

Forelli_Boy
  • Forelli_Boy

    Your chance to repent on the way downstairs.

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#2146

Posted 26 March 2011 - 04:53 PM

Oh that's where you all went. Thesis terms kinda had their way with me. Think maybe I'll wait for one of the Russian mob slots to open though. >_>

Maverick24
  • Maverick24

    Crackhead

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  • Joined: 14 Jan 2010

#2147

Posted 26 March 2011 - 06:31 PM

There are no such things as slots now. If you want to wrote, please just do so. Picks gang and a location and go for it.

No need to ask to be added. Start writing.

Tyler_L320
  • Tyler_L320

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#2148

Posted 26 March 2011 - 08:41 PM

I will begin writing my story with The Lost as soon as I finish TLAD...
It will be awhile

AceRay
  • AceRay

    In my restless dreams, I see that town...

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  • Joined: 05 Oct 2010

#2149

Posted 28 March 2011 - 08:06 AM Edited by AceRay, 01 April 2011 - 09:42 AM.

say, will those $36 or whatever I earned in my first story still be mine? if anyone could answer that, it would be greatly appreciated.
also, am I allowed my main character to strangle people with a cord, if that would be OK?

Osric
  • Osric

    In The Name Of The Moon

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#2150

Posted 05 April 2011 - 07:41 PM

After skimming through the board, I've found about four or five stories for the old BUYG. I can't remember the page numbers, but I can remember the gangs I've written for and how many stories I've written. You'll have to dig deep. I joined around April 2009, and discovered BUYG shortly after, so you might want to check there if you're going to link them, especially if you want to find my first story for the Triads.

Triads: 1 Story

Petrovic Bratva: 4 Stories

Ancelotti Family: 1 Story

Now we can make a Writer's Card for me.

Slingaa
  • Slingaa

    Unbowed, unbent, unbroken.

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#2151

Posted 07 April 2011 - 07:20 PM

During this week I've been watching The Godfather 1, 2 and 3, Scarface, Goodfellas and Reservoir Dogs. I've been given loads of inspiration for a new storyline and will be back writing soon. xD

clay73n73
  • clay73n73

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#2152

Posted 08 April 2011 - 06:38 PM

is this for PC or a console?

Canadian Scrotum
  • Canadian Scrotum

    Secronom

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  • None

#2153

Posted 08 April 2011 - 10:01 PM

QUOTE (clay73n73 @ Apr 8 2011, 13:38)
is this for PC or a console?

Huh, no. sigh.gif

This is a writing game... Can't you see?

Osric
  • Osric

    In The Name Of The Moon

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  • Joined: 12 Apr 2009

#2154

Posted 09 April 2011 - 01:29 AM

Also, I've noticed that vehicles are listed for the gang tables, but not money and weapons?

Should we just reset everything to $100, and a simple weapon such as a bat or a knife?

Gangs I will be writing for are...

The Ancelotti Family

The Lost MC

aragond
  • aragond

    We are the Aragond. We will bury you.

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#2155

Posted 10 April 2011 - 05:15 AM

QUOTE (Slingaa @ Apr 8 2011, 05:20)
During this week I've been watching The Godfather 1, 2 and 3, Scarface, Goodfellas and Reservoir Dogs. I've been given loads of inspiration for a new storyline and will be back writing soon. xD

Yep, that'll do it.

~Aragond, who's still alive, but still has no time bar to check this thread's still running and make a pithy comment as above. F**k I hope my life improves soon.

Slingaa
  • Slingaa

    Unbowed, unbent, unbroken.

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#2156

Posted 18 April 2011 - 04:54 PM

Just a quick question before I start writing; if I wrote for The Law, would I get a discount for police-related vehicles like the NOOSE Cruiser and the Police Maverick?

Maverick24
  • Maverick24

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#2157

Posted 18 April 2011 - 09:32 PM

QUOTE (Slingaa @ Apr 18 2011, 16:54)
Just a quick question before I start writing; if I wrote for The Law, would I get a discount for police-related vehicles like the NOOSE Cruiser and the Police Maverick?

No. The patrol vehicle is the standard vehicle for The Law, but futher vehicles will cost their list price.

AceRay
  • AceRay

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#2158

Posted 22 April 2011 - 09:11 AM

oh yeah, by the way, the car my "gang" uses in chap 2 is the sabre. This car isn't in my card, but at the time of writing it (late October or something), the Albanian Mob had a sabre in the lot. Can I be let off for this inconvenience?

Maverick24
  • Maverick24

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#2159

Posted 22 April 2011 - 12:02 PM

QUOTE (AceRay @ Apr 22 2011, 09:11)
oh yeah, by the way, the car my "gang" uses in chap 2 is the sabre. This car isn't in my card, but at the time of writing it (late October or something), the Albanian Mob had a sabre in the lot. Can I be let off for this inconvenience?

Yes. I think it is only fair that we allow people to carry forwards a selection of assets from the previous system based upon their wishes

Osric
  • Osric

    In The Name Of The Moon

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#2160

Posted 22 April 2011 - 08:28 PM

So, has anybody updated the tables to include money and weapons?




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