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BUYG: Build Up Your Gang IV

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Vidalo
  • Vidalo

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#1921

Posted 19 August 2010 - 11:04 AM

I'm joining M.O.B. at XXX Video Shop.

Chapter 1 - Jumping the Gun

Inside the XXX Video Shop, the lights were dim and the patrons were browsing around the shelves, which were filled with shiny DVDs with fierce, rabid women pictured on the front covers. I made myself over to the far corner of the shop, intending to scope out a lascivious flick that featured five hotties of all different races getting it on. My buddy Rimbo had recommended that one, so I was looking for it. However, it was nowhere to be found, and I was frustrated after five minutes of searching.

Then I thought, Rimbo is probably in the shop too! So I went around looking for him, and eventually found him in the stands in the back, browsing through front covers that featured only men.

Rimbo saw me, and quickly put away the gay porn video he was holding and tried to act inconspicuous. "What's up, B-Jay?"

I eyed the DVD he had just put away, which featured two men, bound in leather straps, looking lustfully at each other. "You're into gay porn, Rimbo?"

"No... well, no, I wasn't... this is a mistake. It's a joke."

"Is it a mistake or a joke?"

"Uhh... a mistake. A mistake. I'm kinda drunk, didn't see that it was full of gay sh*t." He danced around foolishly, pretending to be drunk.

"Yeah..." I muttered, knowing full well that I had better distance from Rimbo in the future.

All of a sudden, the front door of the porn shop bursted open, and a couple of Jamaicans wearing glasses and bandannas stormed in. "Shad up y'all and ge' down! We lookin' fo' guy named Kinz, seen? Where dat Kinz at?"

Mark "Kinz" McKinsey was the leader of our small-time gang, the M.O.B. Our gang was not very powerful in Liberty City, and we only controlled some places in Broker. Therefore it was no wonder that other, more powerful gangs were constantly picking on us. Today, those f*cking Jamaicans seemed to be real serious, demanding us to hand over our leader.

One of the Jamaicans strode over to me. "Yo', f*cka. Where dat Kinz at?"

I remained silent. He pointed his gun at my head and said, "Tell me where dat Kinz at, or I smoke yo' mothaf*cka ass, seen?"

I didn't know what to do. But then, all of a sudden, the Jamaican's head blew open. From behind him, I saw that Kinz was standing in the aisle racks, holding a pistol in his hand. I had Kinz's sharpshooting skills to thank.

Obviously the Jamaicans weren't very happy. They expected a peaceful handover, not for one of their fellas to be killed on the spot. So they took out their guns and a firefight began. Rimbo and I joined Kinz, as did some other homies. We put up a good fight and eventually managed to scare the Jamaicans away. Our only casualty was one of the drunk homies who had been a useless f*ck anyway. I went over to Kinz. "Man, that was some intense sh*t."

"Yeah. Tell you what, we need to improve our standing in Liberty City. Clean up all the smoking DVDs, and then we're going out to take this city for ourselves."

"What's the plan?"

"The plan? Simple. We'll kill all the Jamaicans, then all the Irishmen, then all the Northwood f*ckers, then all the motorcycle freaks. Then, we'll go for the big guns. The Five Families. We will rule this city!"

Osric
  • Osric

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#1922

Posted 19 August 2010 - 05:40 PM

I have a few suggestions for BUYG IV that don't involve adding the Ancelottis.

While this place isn't dead, it is in a state of decline. That being said, the sentiment against BUYG-type games are over. III-canon BUYG games have made a comeback with BUYG Vice and the extremely popular BUYG San Andreas which went through two successful editions before the BUYG SA main account was recently hacked. Landstalker was the mastermind behind the BUYG SA, and maybe you could let him in as a member of BUYG, allowing him to fully restart the BUYG SA, which now includes all of the III-canon gangs.

We should restart BUYG IV in full. Reset everything as most of the members here except aragond, Maverick, and a few others that are listed have stopped posting.

Reset everything, gangs, money, story counts, etc. Everyone would start off with $100, a knife or baseball bat, and maybe a 9mm pistol for larger gangs like the Petrovics or Gambettis. Also, add weapons from Ballad of Gay Tony such as the Gold Uzi, P90, and SAW Machine Gun. And maybe you could add the Ancelottis and the North Dominican Dealers, who knows?

Vidalo
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#1923

Posted 20 August 2010 - 02:55 PM

I think a reset would work.

Maverick24
  • Maverick24

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#1924

Posted 20 August 2010 - 05:07 PM Edited by Maverick24, 20 August 2010 - 05:10 PM.

QUOTE (Osric @ Aug 19 2010, 17:40)
While this place isn't dead, it is in a state of decline. That being said, the sentiment against BUYG-type games are over. III-canon BUYG games have made a comeback with BUYG Vice and the extremely popular BUYG San Andreas which went through two successful editions before the BUYG SA main account was recently hacked. Landstalker was the mastermind behind the BUYG SA, and maybe you could let him in as a member of BUYG, allowing him to fully restart the BUYG SA, which now includes all of the III-canon gangs.


No denying that this place is quiet, but I'm not sure what you're alluding to. Landstalker is welcome to join in at any time, and I'm sure with his experience he could join staff if he asked. He posted at Jun 16 2010, 17:19, showing intention to join in, but has not yet posted a story.

QUOTE (Osric @ Aug 19 2010, 17:40)
We should restart BUYG IV in full. Reset everything as most of the members here except aragond, Maverick, and a few others that are listed have stopped posting.


I do not know how this would particularly benefit the game. A clean slate would put all "players" at the same advantage (disadvantage?) over choosing properties, which is probably the only point of contention here. If people reading this have a favourable opinion as to why we should restart, please voice your opinions as part of this debate.

As for myself, I post here out of pure enjoyment of writing, and care little for the game itself. Perhaps, therefore, I am not the best example for you to name as a one of the committed few.

QUOTE (Osric @ Aug 19 2010, 17:40)
Reset everything, gangs, money, story counts, etc. Everyone would start off with $100, a knife or baseball bat, and maybe a 9mm pistol for larger gangs like the Petrovics or Gambettis. Also, add weapons from Ballad of Gay Tony such as the Gold Uzi, P90, and SAW Machine Gun. And maybe you could add the Ancelottis and the North Dominican Dealers, who knows?


Personally, I think that the money and assets system is broken in it's very inception. The return, even for a very good story, is pitiful in regards to the cost of, say, a mid-range 4 door saloon. Some gangs are stuck with a terrible range of vehicles that must be 'used' on 10 or more occasions before the gang can 'upgrade'.

Also, I don't think that having vast arrays of weapons is constructive to encouraging intelligent story-writing. I'd welcome making the game more encompassing of all that's included in GTAIV, but perhaps we need to rethink the way in which we promote good writing.

My proposal. Create assets for individuals. When a new player starts, they are given the starting conditions you describe, and chose two (?) weapons and a car for themselves. They can then buy more from their personal earnings, or are awarded them at set posting intervals. This way, new players writing for the top gangs cannot suddenly start sby aying "then I gots the RPG and the carbine and the AK and then killed them all in my helicopter". This idea would need a bit more work in tracking individual users, but should pay off. Also, allow mulitple individuals to write for a single property. It was criminal that, earlier this month, Rucke had to turn RaWrMoNsTeR away as two new-starters picked the same property within the same review period.

Tyla
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#1925

Posted 20 August 2010 - 07:55 PM

I'm going to post my two cents, even though the last time I posted in this topic I was still in England!

I think a restart (with chapter counts left intact as a testament to those who have kept this topic alive) could benefit BUYG: IV in terms of both activity and bringing new ideas to the format. Even though this has a pin, the topic is rather inactive. A potential writer could see this and it may (or may not) deter him from writing. Aragond works his arse off and still manages to keep on rating, and Mav, you rate too, but it would be rather unfair to depend on one or two individuals to keep the topic alive. For such a reason, considering a couple of extra staff to help would be a good idea. There was a similar situation like this when I was made staff, though I only held the title for a while before going inactive, and the appointment of myself and VinnyGorgeous pretty much obliterated any backlog that would stop someone who likes to post chapters on a regular basis turning away if they see a load of stories piled up. With this statement, I'm not saying that the current staff do a poor job, because the ratings lately (spare Rucke's) contain a great deal of feedback and help and such a standard is an asset to the entire point of this topic: writing.

Mav, I agree wholeheartedly about the suggestion you made below about creating assets and allowing players to pick a few weapons and vehicles, though the choices should rightly be limited to a total amount of $ or specific types of weapon to stop everything picking a Super GT and the best weapons straight away. The assets idea though, is similar to a suggestion I made a while ago, though it was concerning gangs that may be added into the game, where a gang would have one asset and then when someone joined it, a second would be unlocked. Your idea would obliterate this but provide a perfect solution all the same.

Adding the rest of the gangs would be a nice bonus. A restart would be the perfect excuse to finally add those damn Ancelottis!

Landstalker
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#1926

Posted 20 August 2010 - 11:42 PM Edited by Landstalker, 21 August 2010 - 12:36 AM.

Nevermind this post!

aragond
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#1927

Posted 22 August 2010 - 04:22 AM

QUOTE (Landstalker @ Aug 21 2010, 09:42)
Nevermind this post!

Ooooooooo, I wonder what controversial stuff he posted. wow.gif

Alright. Well. Firstly, an apology. I'm still around. I'm still regularly checking in, reading ppls stories. But I'm just under the gun at the mo'. My computer is falling to pieces. Haven't played IV in weeks-cum-months (gotten jack of 6fps). Hell, I haven't even finished TLAD much less STARTED on BoGT!! And I'm getting antsy! So, I have every intention of writing again soon, but correcting this "have 4 hours to travel to work each day" booshi is taking longer than I wanted. And I need a new machine, but that's kinda holding off for the return of my free-time.
But, I'm NOT gone.

Now to business.
A reset, aye? I'm sorry, Osric, but I'm not convinced what possible difference that would make. There are already gangs that have next to nothing (Koreans, f'instance) should that be what participants are looking for. But, it's not like the "big" gangs are fighting against the "little" gangs that we should be worried about the "fairness" of unequal weaponry/money distribution. And, speaking personally, I'd be rather sh!tted-off if someone took the roughly $1000 I've hard-wrote to add to the Pegorino's kitty. (I need my bazooka for Story #124. tounge.gif )

QUOTE (Osric @ Aug 20 2010, 03:40)
Reset everything as most of the members here except aragond, Maverick, and a few others that are listed have stopped posting.

Oh. blush.gif Ooops. Thanks. smile.gif

Do I think it's time some of the dead wood was purged again? Yeah.
Do I think it's time that the loooooooooooong awaited Ancelottis make their debut? Yes.
Do I think it's time we reviewed and corrected the drugs? Hell, yeah.
Do I think it's time we reviewed and added some weapons? Yeah, probably.
Do I think it's time we tentatively introduced assets into the game? Well, maybe.
Do I think a reset would bring players back into BUYG IV?
...
All I'm saying is that I don't see what would convince them to turn around and say " Oh! Oh, well NOW I'll join " 'cuz if they wanted to join, they'd have stuck around by now.

I honestly don't know why people come to BUYG and don't stay. I've seen this happen with another on-line game I was involved in, and that flumuxed me, too. Are Mav' and I too harsh with the ratings? Is there really nothing to fight for if you join the G or Pegorinos? Would they stay if they were building something up?

OR, is it possible we're in that inter-GTA-release lull that comes EVERY time, without fail, and that means there's too few people to stay interested in BUYG, that is, we're only getting the real die hards? Which is to say, BUYG'll get a whole new generation of noobs joining when GTA V starts getting talked about.

But, hey, I'm open to all points of view, Os'.
So long as I get my bazooka. tounge.gif

Addendum: Mav' also posted on this. Oooops.
Like Mav', I kinda write here for the pure enjoyment of that, but I've also gotten a real kick out of planning and plotting when I can afford what weapon or which car when so I can write about this sub-plot or that. So, the structure of the game gave me something to plan for.

Thing is, I think we're the rare birds, Mav'. Well, mega-prolifics like Osric an' Rucke, too. I'm not sure most participants have more than a dozen stories in them. The game structure may impede their interest. ("It takes too long to get a peashooter let alone my helicopter.") And I do agree that a revamp of the weapon/car costs, tailored toward that fact, may enhance people's interest (or forestall their disinterest, at least), and individualising them would, I am thinking, might perfect it.

I'll have to cogitate that, but I think you might be on to something. You get the chop-shop, you build it up as the Capo of that for your gang, you build up your own weapon stash, cars, etc... I mean, it is VERY much how I started writing for the recycling plant. I never for a second worried about Rucke's fourteen billion dollars he'd built up. From my perspective, it was time to build the gang from the ground-up.

But, I wonder, did it really make any difference to me that the Pegorinos had all that money or the extra weapons?

What I DO like about that idea is that *I* as an individual could build up an arsenal pretty quickly -- say, one small weapon per story -- and yet every other noob that joins the Pegorinos has to start from scratch themselves, all over. It means that the rapid pace of development is exclusively yours, and everyone else has to do their own building.

(But then, do we need to change the name: BUY... um, asset?)

Yeah. If Osric was partial to this, too, as his meaning for a "reset", if this gained some nodding from around the somewhat empty room, I'd be willing to consider this as a "reset". Hell, I'd even deprive myself sleep to help plan how it'd work. lol.gif

But, would it really get people back in?

Vidalo
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#1928

Posted 22 August 2010 - 03:02 PM

I think a reset would attract people's interest again, if only because everything will be clean and empty. Right now, things are jam-packed, and most of the writers listed have long gone inactive. If we can clear everything out, and make a new clean first post (well-formatted-ness is very important here), I think it'll attract people to join. Although I do agree with you about the inter-GTA-lull.

Obviously if we do a reset, we should think about the weapons prices & such that you mentioned.

Sanjeem
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#1929

Posted 22 August 2010 - 03:57 PM Edited by Sanjeem, 22 August 2010 - 04:06 PM.

Fockin' Albanians : Gambetti Family

Based loosley on a true event...

"Drinks all on me boys, you did well today" said Phill Locazzio as he walked into Ray's strip-club, Ray was an associate of the Gambetti's back in the day, however when Phill went inside Ray kept his mouth shut, and Ray knew alot of imfomation, valuable imfomation that was best kept inside Ray's mouth and not out. In return Phill was greatfull, however dissapointed that Ray also wanted to retire from working for Phill, Phill let him go though, usually this would never be allowed, once your in you stay in, but Phill still kept in touch and was friendly with the guy.

"Hey Ray, give us boys four dry martini's per Favore! Ha" said phill
"Of course on the house!" said Ray, the three mobsters sat down at the table besides the stripper pole. Phill got the drinks on the tray, and sat down with his fellow wise-guys.

"Chin Chin boys" as Phill raised his glass
"Cheers"..
"Salute!" said the three boys sitting oposite Phill.
"Now, i'm afraid it's already back to business, We've got trouble, trouble with a bunch of Albanians, i mean who'd 'ave thought it, a bunch of Albanian gangsters" Phill explained to his boys what the problem was, and it needed to be Eliminated.

What Phill was explaining is that Sonny Rizzo and his associate Paul Sorentino were beaten to death and shot by an Albanian gangster called Fatmir Gezim inside their own social club, luckily nobody was around when it happened and the LCPD found the two dead bodies afterwards. Now this was a discrace, the Albanians were demanding the ownage of the club...just like that! obviously they refused and now the two were dead.

This was even more of an offence because Sonny Rizzo was a made guy, and now he had been murdered, Nobody even thinks about touching a made guy if he's a made guy! Even cops think twice, even the russians ruthless as they are have some form of respect, but these albanians were animals, even whacking associate Paul Sorentino was an offence to the Gambetti's. So what the Plan was, is that Phill Locazio was seting up a meeting with the Albanians, in a abandoned Gas station, which hadn't been used for years, in broad daylight so nothing could smell fishy. The real plan was though to hide 13 more members and associates around the back of the station, then Jump 'em, and kill the Boss, whoever he was.

"You got the plan boys, there must be no mistakes, Capiche? alright lets go, sleep tight" said Phill as of tonight, he would arange the meeting with the boss of the Albanian gang, to do this he would first contact Fatmir Gezim. Phill found out the number, through a LCPD file on the internet, an associate of his called Lionel Frank an internet hacker for the Mob, was the one who managed to do this. Phill dialed the number as he walked out of the building and got into his Sentinel. The Phone was ringing, Phill also breathing deeply, quite nervouse of what this guy would say.

"What do you want?" said Fatmir
"Now, Thats not a very polite way to answer the phone is it?" said Phill
"Who is this, if you are fed please f*ck off"
"I'm not a fed, my name is Phill Locazzio, two of my friends were murdered at their social club yesterday"
"Oh so you are Mafia Prick, You Italians need more fear of our people, they didn't pay protection on our turf, they get killed" said the Albanian.

"I see, Listen i understand, that turf wasn't claimed by anybody, so i suppose it's our fault, i'm a reasonable man, i would like to meet your boss, we can discuss business, about the turf, tell your Boss to meet at the back of Greasy-palms gas station, in daylight, so nothing can go wrong" explained phill, expecting the Albanian to say no though. To his suprise though the Albanian agreed to what Phill said.

"But listen to me Guido, you try anything funny, you and your friends are dead" the Albanian then hung up the Phone. Phill folded back his phone and put it in his pocket, then murmered to himself "Not likely" as he started up the engine and drove away.

Maverick24
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#1930

Posted 22 August 2010 - 11:32 PM Edited by Maverick24, 23 August 2010 - 12:17 AM.

Bleurgh. Beer. Sunday night. Why Am I posting?!!?!?!

QUOTE (aragond @ Aug 22 2010, 04:22)
What I DO like about that idea is that *I* as an individual could build up an arsenal pretty quickly -- say, one small weapon per story -- and yet every other noob that joins the Pegorinos has to start from scratch themselves, all over. It means that the rapid pace of development is exclusively yours, and everyone else has to do their own building.


I think this is key to getting BUYG on track to what it should be. If individuals have this incentive to write well then it would definitely encourage far more creative writing and personal investment in individual 'player's'. It would also provide incentive for people to join lesser gangs, if all new starters had to start from 'point zero' instead of taking an easy route by joining an ever-popular italian gang.

QUOTE
Yeah. If Osric was partial to this, too, as his meaning for a "reset", if this gained some nodding from around the somewhat empty room, I'd be willing to consider this as a "reset". Hell, I'd even deprive myself sleep to help plan how it'd work.  lol.gif

But, would it really get people back in?


I'm for a 'reset', as in a complete rewrite of the rules. I have no interest in abandoning all-work-outstanding. Perhaps we give a one or two week moratorium in which we allow involved and active players to voice their continued interest. If people say "I like this, don't throw my sh*t away", we keep their story count in memory of their activity, and give them a starting bonus in the new system.

I agree, however, that this would not provide an automatic boost the popularity of BUYG:IV. Perhaps we need to think of a new idea to make it accessible to n00bs .

EDIT
Expanding on this. What I think the key points to achieve are:

  • Individual achievement. Encourage people to write well and build a gang for themselves. Individual assets and earnings would help with this.

  • Encourage new players. An obvious one. I think a point of contention with new writers is that they see the current system as "full", in regards that the cool gangs are so. If joining the Gambetti's was as an obviously advantageous as joining the M.O.B, ie not at all, then we would automatically open the slots available for new players.

  • Improve accessiblity to assests and 'goods'. The current system means that players have to write 9/10 stories to buy a car. Totally wrong. Improve the possible earnings or rewrite the cost system. We could implant a totally new bonus system which would allow writers, who turn out quality material, to get access to new assets. Personally, I think the car system is sh*t. I'm writing a Grand Theft Auto fan-fic. Why should I not be able to get any car I want from the game, as long as I can write effectively as to how I obtained it?

  • Expand flexibility. Personally, a dream I have, right now, is that I want to write an epic that sprawls from the luxurious italian mobster world of politicians and dinner jackets to the tower blocks of the various housing projects, and follow the drugs trade through its various social settings. I want to write this. I want to write it here, as I like the format and I'm comfortable here. Also, this place suits episodic writing. Unfortunately, the rules are a barrier to my creative intentions.
    Fixing this is a hard one, especially when combinding with individualism and expansion of the user-base. Whether it's important to do or not is another arguement. I suggest we drop any barrier that restricts a writer from developing his storyline in the direction he wishes to. This primarily relates to the rules:
    QUOTE
    3. If all of your gangs' properties have been occupied, you can buy more land for your gang. If you want a property in a city where you already have properties, it will cost $200. If you want to expand into a new city, it will cost $350. You may not purchase land that is already owned by another gang.
    5. You can also take over property but it will cost you triple($600) what it would for a regular property. Also needed is the consent of the person who owns it and if no one owns it then you need the consent of the member of the gang who has been there the longest. Half the money will go to the gang the other half will just be taken away.
    7. You cannot swap gangs until you have written 5 stories for the gang you first elected, then you are allowed to swap freely, but it shall be moderated and some requests may be declined.

    I see this as moving away from a pure gang based paradigm, and encourage a 'world' based idea.
    Also, relating to rule 3. What is "moving into another city"?.

Hecate
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#1931

Posted 22 August 2010 - 11:51 PM

Personally, I think a reset would do one of two things. Either people loyal to the game would be jubilee and rejoice with faith on how good of a decision it was because now so many new people are crowding in to join. Or, it would do absolutely nothing, except make people work hard to reset all the stats, with no beneficial gain of any sort.


Build Up Your Gang
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#1932

Posted 23 August 2010 - 03:16 AM Edited by Build Up Your Gang, 23 August 2010 - 03:27 AM.

vinnygorgeous
Gambetti Crime Family | Leisure Centre | 1: The Resurgence Will Not Be Televised
$39 + $1,565 = $1,604

Firstly, I would agree with the change of episodic numbering to “chapter 1”. If you wish to keep a link to your previous storyline, try an two-level numbering system such as that operated by myself or aragond. “ Act 2: Chapter 1 ”.
Overall, a very well written and interesting piece. I can’t complain about any aspect of narrative or about how it is written.
However, I would like to make a suggestion that you try to write more productively. What I mean by this is that what you have, while of great quality, feels rather generic. You are a capable writer, but seem to be resting very much within your comfort zone. This story appears to be exposition for a larger plot, therefore is in no wrong to be limited to introducing characters and scenario, it feels similar to your previous storyline. Aim big next time, please. I would really like to see you make something out of this.
Having said this, it is not detrimental to the piece that it focuses on exposition. It is entirely the correct thing to do with a new storyline. It could have been dressed better, but was done with class regardless.
On language issues, I have little to comment against. Speech is a bit iffy at points. I commented on this before. Two examples in your story:
QUOTE (vinnygorgeous first did this @ Aug 5 2010, 23:58)
“I grew up in Broker, minchia that place has changed, the Italians used to be all over, even Hove Beach, that’s where my family lived till I was twelve.” Moe always talks about the old days, some guys find it annoying but I liked to listen to the guy. He rubbed his chin whilst carefully inspecting his cards then added, “I’ll check.”
“Little Odessa was an Italian neighbourhood Sh*t! I’ll check too.” Nicky was a good kid, I was pretty sure he had a drug problem but if I can’t keep my own kid off drugs how am I gonna stop a guy like Nicky.

QUOTE (vinnygorgeous then did this @ Aug 5 2010, 23:58)
“Johnny Boy, phone.” Gino Capozzo called from behind the bar, his ample frame made him almost impassable but I managed to squeeze through. I grabbed the phone from his hand, “Yeah.”
“Call this number on an outside line; two, seven, eight, six, five, five, five, one, three, zero, zero.” I recognized the voice, it meant a drive out to Alderney.

It’s a minor point when compared to significant spelling errors or crazy grammar. However since you’re work is free from these mistakes we can tear you apart with pedantic attention to paragraphs in speech. lol.gif Basically, each new speaker should be on a completely new paragraph. That means a single line space accordingly, as any new paragraph should be. Decide for yourself then where the rest of the description should be placed, such as squeezing passed Gino or collecting the phone.

pro.assassin
Petrovic Bravta | Adult Store| Chapter 1: A Bad Day
$33 + $619 = $652

An original story with a lot of angles to it that are fresh to take in. A commendable effort with a good length for first time poster. Welcome.
Let’s get some criticism dealt with first.
Paragraph structure is fine, but adding an extra line between paragraphs makes it far easier to read. Punctuation and capitalisation around speech is a bit awry. A new paragraph or sentence (same thing really) should always start with capital letter, even if contained in speech. Punctuation about speech is a complicated affair; Google is your friend if you’re unsure, although it may be time consuming to find specific answers.
Regarding narrative, events seem very much “matter of fact”. Things happen without much explanation of why. Gang petrol-bombs house. Sh*t just happens! Gang shoots at adult video store. You’re in Liberty City. Expect that crap! I suggest you maybe look to do more with less in future stories, if you understand my meaning. Also, Kenny Petrovic seems all too willing to suddenly become your best friend. It would be more intriguing and believable if you were recruited into the rank-and-file of the gang and worked hard to earn such an allegiance.
On the positive side, I love that your character is fully realised. An ex cop with girlfriend problems. It isn’t an enormous amount of detail, but it certainly provides a depth of character that can be built on and avoids certain stereotypes or typical ‘facelessness’. You are also willing to delve into details of the world around you: hobos fighting over meat, and you buying a list of items from the deli. These are nice details and key to bringing readers into the story, rather than just filling time before action occurs.
Good start.

Petrovic Bravta | Adult Store| Chapter 2: A Sh*t Deal
$23 + $652 = $675

First off, I dislike the change of font. The size makes it harder to read and ruins the presentation. This will not reflect in your marks, but is something to avoid in the future. Also, stories one and two were posted within a 24 hour period. This is against a hidden rule somewhere that I only found by breaking. Not that it really matters: there appears to be no penalty in place for such incursion and it’s a minor matter at best. Please consider in the future however, if only out of courtesy. Good length though. +1000 words is a good effort for a second post.
Unfortunately, this story has abandoned the complexity of the previous one for packed-in, non-stop action. Dialogue is stale with lines such as “ “Jonny I will re-enstate you with your badge if you help us catch an escaping prisoner near Algonquin prison.” it was the general of police. ” Also, grammatical structure appears to have also been abandoned in favour of rushing out some fighting.
This should really have been two or even three pieces, each given the time and attention deserved of important events such as fighting a ambush at a drug deal, the death of Petrovic’s girlfriend and your chase to get the killer, and the tense stand-off with your new gang as you uncover the plot against Petrovic.
Take your time, with coming stories, to fully describe and flesh-out events as you go through them. Over-filling stories, such as this, leads to confused readers and wasted effort on your part.

apm54
North Holland Hustlers | Triangle Club | Chapter 1
$15 + $693 = $708

Too short. This, more than anything has ruined your score. 256 words, unless you’re a byte in which case you’ve filled up, isn’t enough story to do anything with.
The narrative structure is bland too. “I hear there’s going to be trouble. I tell the guy there’s going to be trouble. There is trouble. We shoot the trouble.”
You’re spelling and grammar appears problem-free. I like that your combat description is fairly light-weight, in that it doesn’t focus on you blowing cars and vans up and head-shotting the three-hundred.

Vidalo
M.O.B | XXX Video Shop | Chapter 1 – Jumping The Gun
$29 + $294 = $323

Agreeable length: 571 words, interestingly 234 words of this are allowed to the discussion of porn…
Basically, the story creates a backdrop for your gangs desire to rise to a higher standing in the criminal world, due to a botched robbery by Jamaicans. A good exposition.
The combat was unfortunately clunky. So they took out their guns and a firefight began. Rimbo and I joined Kinz, as did some other homies. . I doubt anyone describing a firefight they were in in a porn shop would just say “a firefight began”. Work on description to make things like this as exciting and violent as they should be!
This is a problem free and straight forwards enough story that I can’t say much more. Good job, hope to see more from you.

Sanjeem
Gambetti Family | Al Dente's | Chapter 4 (?): Fockin' Albanians
$30 + $1,604 = $1,634

Synopsis: Italians’ sitting about drinking, there’s a problem, get phone call, sets scene for confrontation. It’s a basic plotline that is regularly reused here, I’ve done it myself.
Perhaps, instead of simply stating the predicament that Albanians have killed a made guy, you actually create that story. I’ve read your previous stories, and there seems to be no connecting plots, or linking themes. I would suggest you try and find a narrative to go from one story to the next. A common grounding, or sequence of events, would make your stories more engaging. At the moment, they seem a little inconsequential and disposable.
Spelling is a crazy horse here:
Phill – as far as I know. Phil is always Phil. One ‘l’.
imfomation – information
greatfull – grateful
dissapointed – disappointed
oposite – opposite
discrace – disgrace
ownage – pwnage – or maybe not. Made up word. Avoid like plague.
arange – arrange
nervouse – nervous
suprise – surprise
murmered – murmured
Sort it out. It doesn’t take much. Use MS Word, or OpenOffice, or any document creator. Google documents has a built in spell-checker, as does the Google taskbar. A quick search with Google gave me this.

~ Ratings by Maverick24

aragond
  • aragond

    We are the Aragond. We will bury you.

  • Members
  • Joined: 26 Aug 2007
  • None

#1933

Posted 23 August 2010 - 11:46 AM

QUOTE (Vidalo @ Aug 23 2010, 01:02)
I think a reset would attract people's interest again, if only because everything will be clean and empty. Right now, things are jam-packed, and most of the writers listed have long gone inactive. If we can clear everything out, and make a new clean first post (well-formatted-ness is very important here), I think it'll attract people to join. Although I do agree with you about the inter-GTA-lull.

Obviously if we do a reset, we should think about the weapons prices & such that you mentioned.

Mmm, beg to differ. We can easily clear-out inactive players and make lots o' room for noobies without requiring a full rewrite of rules and reset of monies / weapons.

QUOTE (Unoriginal44 @ Aug 23 2010, 09:51)
Personally, I think a reset would do one of two things. Either people loyal to the game would be jubilee and rejoice with faith on how good of a decision it was because now so many new people are crowding in to join. Or, it would do absolutely nothing, except make people work hard to reset all the stats, with no beneficial gain of any sort.

And I DO think this is a real risk.
I think we almost have to ask poll ppl why they don't stick around or join to really understand this. 'Cuz I am worried we do all this work and rush to a reset only to find ppl aren't joining 'cuz there's just not enough GTA buzz and thus ppl on GTAF to attract people into BUYG.

I'm not turning on my previous enthusiasm. (Though I have had more time to think this through.) I'm more thinking we ought to be certain what we do will make a difference before we make any sweeping changes to, let's face it, something that's done pretty truckin' alright for itself so far.

(Thx 4 ratings, Mav', you beat me to it.)

Maverick24
  • Maverick24

    Crackhead

  • Members
  • Joined: 14 Jan 2010

#1934

Posted 23 August 2010 - 01:52 PM Edited by Maverick24, 23 August 2010 - 04:55 PM.

QUOTE (aragond @ Aug 23 2010, 11:46)
Mmm, beg to differ. We can easily clear-out inactive players and make lots o' room for noobies without requiring a full rewrite of rules and reset of monies / weapons.

I've drawn up a list of all members currently listed as involved in this game. Based on recent post date, I reckon that purging those who haven't posted in 6 months could clear up 75% of the slots. If people genuinely thought this would improve the state-of-affairs on this board, I would suggest this as a way to go forwards.

The list is temporary, I will try and update the dates as I get chance later. I would never suggest removing a player who has voiced their intention to stay.

EDIT. Dates are updated. With a six month inactivity limit to purge the lists we would be able to clear 23 out of 44. Just over 50%, but less than my 75% estimate.

QUOTE
(Thx 4 ratings, Mav', you beat me to it.)

Damn. I could have been in bed!

MemberCurrent GangStory CountLast StoryPurge
Vercetti27
Mr.c TO the J
aragond
Unoriginal44
Rucke
Slingaa
Sanjeem
El Zilcho
vinnygorgeous
Maverick24
mark-2007
Tyla
pro.assassin
Benjimino234
Ciabatta
Tarnell
Spank-head69
kid23455
Phone Number
Kaizer Chief
iTz Macca
bhlegend
Tycek
mrpain
Yamifly
The Virus
TUBBSthezombie
.2D
Big_Mitch_Baker
Katalix
WelcomeToLibertyCity
Gorecauser
Masterkraft
VinnieLeone
apm54
Vidalo
skramz
radicell
Armaggedon Day
greenhound
Colt M14
AK 47 Hitman
iam1
Ecc3ntrik
Pegorinos
Pegorinos
Pegorinos
Pegorinos
Pegorinos
Gambettis
Gambettis
Gambettis
Gambettis
Pavanos
Pavanos
Pavanos
Petrovic
Petrovic
Petrovic
Petrovic
Petrovic
Albanians
Albanians
Albanians
Irish
Irish
Lost MC
Lost MC
Lost MC
Lost MC
Angels
Angels
Angels
Angels
Hillside
Hillside
Hustlers
Hustlers
Hustlers
M.O.B
M.O.B
Torres
Torres
Spanish
Spanish
Triads
Triads
Koreans
10
1
17
2
44(54)
5
4
35(56)
7(19)
3(16)
3
1
2
3
3
2(4)
4
3
1
1
1
11
8
3(58)
3
2
1(6)
9
11
1
1(7)
1(1)
0(9)
4
1
1
0
0
1
1
1(30)
1
1
5
Jan 14 2010
Jul 9 2010
May 22 2010
Feb 25 2010
Jan 23 2010
Oct 29 2009
Aug 22 2010
May 27 2009
Aug 5 2010
Jul 26 2010
Jan 7 2010
Dec 24 2009
Aug 12 2010
Dec 22 2009
May 28 2009
Nov 9 2009
Dec 20 2009
Dec 24 2009
Jun 22 2010
Jun 9 2010
Mar 23 2010
Jun 24 2010
Jun 15 2010
Apr 3 2010
Jan 24 2010
Nov 8 2009
Oct 18 2009
May 9 2010
Apr 8 2010
Aug 1 2009
Jul 27 2009
Sep 23 2009
Apr 29 2009
Mar 14 2010
Aug 16 2010
Aug 19 2010
---
---
Jan 4 2010
May 20 2010
Aug 7 2009
Jun 19 2010
Oct 28 2009
May 29 2009
Yes
No
No
No
Yes
Yes
No
Yes
No
No
Yes
Yes
No
Yes
Yes
Yes
Yes
Yes
No
No
No
No
No
No
No
Yes
Yes
No
No
Yes
Yes
Yes
Yes
No
No
No
Yes
Yes
Yes
No
Yes
No
Yes
Yes

mrpain
  • mrpain

    wub wub

  • Members
  • Joined: 15 Dec 2008

#1935

Posted 24 August 2010 - 09:00 AM

Well yeah I have been inactive awhile, I would still like to stay.

Come on I have the most story counts and you can't kick me out for that tounge.gif (Although 30% of those chapters were pretty medicore)

Vidalo
  • Vidalo

    Player Hater

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#1936

Posted 24 August 2010 - 09:46 AM

How about we purge people who are outside of the 6-month limit, and then send PMs to the remaining ones, set a deadline of 1 week to reply, and purge all those who don't? That's just so we can get rid of as many inactive people as possible.

Mati
  • Mati

    f*ck the planet till it spins on a broken axis

  • BUSTED!
  • Joined: 03 Aug 2010

#1937

Posted 27 August 2010 - 07:31 PM

Can I have the lucky winkers bar from the Irish mob?

Landstalker
  • Landstalker

    Hustler

  • Awaiting Authorisation
  • Joined: 14 Mar 2010

#1938

Posted 29 August 2010 - 02:34 AM Edited by Landstalker, 29 August 2010 - 02:37 AM.

Irish Mob – Lucky Winkles Bar

It was a normal night in Algonquin. Everyone was minding to their businesses without caring about the others. Especially at the Lucky Winkles Bar.

“Hey man! The Irish Mob ain’t what they were,” said a drunken man, waking me up.
“Yeah… If you say so. Who are you?” said Irish.
“I’m one of them!” yelled the man, throwing his beer on the wall.
“Ok! Ok! Calm down! What’s your name?” asked Irish.
“Lex. Lex Celeron. I’m running this bar!” he yelled.
“Ok. You’re looking for some recruit?” Irish asked because he always wanted to join them.
“Yeah! But you must beat me at a dart game,” he said before vomiting on the ground.

They walked to the darts, picked them and we competed at least twenty minutes because he was too drunk and Irish was leading. Celeron was still good; Irish was leading by one point. He walked to him and congratulated him and gave him a free beer. He was in the gang. Suddenly, a scream broke the silence. They ran out of the bar and…

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'll join at Lucky Winkles Bar like I said before (in an old post). I'll do a remake of this chapter, though.

EDIT: It was what I had prepared when I said I would join them.

EDIT 2: I was still a beginner at the time.

Mati
  • Mati

    f*ck the planet till it spins on a broken axis

  • BUSTED!
  • Joined: 03 Aug 2010

#1939

Posted 29 August 2010 - 07:20 AM Edited by mati1501, 29 August 2010 - 08:18 PM.

Ok I take M.O.B: Native engines auto parts.

[SIZE=7]MOB: NATIVE ENGINES AUTO PARTS CHAPTER 1.(INTRO)

[SIZE=1] It was a normal day at Native Engines auto parts.
You came in and it felt like heaven.
You saw half nude girls sitting on some hot cars that were about to be tuned.
The biggest Liberty city players waited for their cars to be pimped. Even Tony Mctony.
Everything looked like it brang tons of money, but things looked better than they are.

The garage`s boss ¨Big V¨ Has made some big debts.
He has to steal engines and other auto parts to stay above water.
But he is lucky to have his homies ¨C-Day¨ and ¨Jacko¨.
They had to sleep on the streets till he found them.
¨Big V¨ Had an old apartament over in south slopes.
He let them live there, if they steal auto parts for him.
And so it will be tomorrow


Big V wakes up at his small 2- room apartament. He opens his eyes thinking about his debts.
Sometimes he just want to run away to Los Santos. But he can´t.
The Money. That is the Humanity´s Biggest problem.
He stands up and goes to the bathroom immedatly.
He looks in the mirror.
Big V: ¨Man look at you. 30 years old. What have You done in your live?¨
Suddenly A young black man wearing dark blue baggies and an orange jacket comes in.
Young man: ¨Come on Vic. You opened a fancy garage. You help young idiots to repair their lives. What more do you want?¨
Big V: ¨C-Day. Could you Knock the doors next time?¨
C-Day: ¨Oh come on. The doors were open¨
Big V: ¨Whatever. And my garage is an illegal way to help me off my debts.
C-Day ¨Okay. And I hope you did not mean me and Jacko as the idiots.
Jacko, A young hustler wearing a black pimp jacked and black jeans comes in.
Jacko: ¨What about me?¨
Big V: ¨Well since my privacy is gone then we can go to the garage.¨

Was it good? Was it bad? I go on tomorrow.



aragond
  • aragond

    We are the Aragond. We will bury you.

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  • Joined: 26 Aug 2007
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#1940

Posted 29 August 2010 - 01:33 PM

QUOTE (mati1501 @ Aug 28 2010, 05:31)
Can I have the lucky winkers bar from the Irish mob?

Yes, you may, when you have written a proper story for it. Staff will not treat 138 words as an actual "story". Sorry, but it's barely an introduction.
(PS; It's the Lucky Winkles... not Winkers. lol.gif )

@Maverick
Fantastic work, Mav'.
That ought to get a few people scrambling. (Rucke. Buddy! Ima lookin' yur way!)

Maverick24
  • Maverick24

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  • Joined: 14 Jan 2010

#1941

Posted 29 August 2010 - 03:57 PM

QUOTE (aragond @ Aug 29 2010, 13:33)
QUOTE (mati1501 @ Aug 28 2010, 05:31)
Can I have the lucky winkers bar from the Irish mob?

Yes, you may, when you have written a proper story for it. Staff will not treat 138 words as an actual "story". Sorry, but it's barely an introduction.


Further to this, the same applies to Landstalker. 177 words is too short for a story, and posting incomplete chapters is against rules 1 & 2.

My old haunt at The Lucky Winkles remains unoccupied.

Mati
  • Mati

    f*ck the planet till it spins on a broken axis

  • BUSTED!
  • Joined: 03 Aug 2010

#1942

Posted 29 August 2010 - 08:22 PM Edited by mati1501, 29 August 2010 - 08:26 PM.

QUOTE (Maverick24 @ Aug 29 2010, 15:57)
QUOTE (aragond @ Aug 29 2010, 13:33)
QUOTE (mati1501 @ Aug 28 2010, 05:31)
Can I have the lucky winkers bar from the Irish mob?

Yes, you may, when you have written a proper story for it. Staff will not treat 138 words as an actual "story". Sorry, but it's barely an introduction.


Further to this, the same applies to Landstalker. 177 words is too short for a story, and posting incomplete chapters is against rules 1 & 2.

My old haunt at The Lucky Winkles remains unoccupied.

Since Landstalker wrote before me, then I took the Native Engines Auto Parts (M.O.B.). I wrote the introduction already.

Slingaa
  • Slingaa

    Unbowed, unbent, unbroken.

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  • Joined: 19 Sep 2009

#1943

Posted 31 August 2010 - 04:18 PM

In case you guys didn't know, there's another version of BUYG up and running which you can find here.

Pac.
  • Pac.

  • BUSTED!
  • Joined: 28 Dec 2009

#1944

Posted 03 September 2010 - 06:35 PM Edited by Pac., 03 September 2010 - 06:43 PM.

Chapter 1 :Still Legit
The Gambetti's : Come Clean dry Cleaners

My name's Richie Gaeta, i'm a thirty year old man who owns alot of Dry cleaning stores around the City, alot of them are in poor areas as alot can't afford their own washing machines, i also own a small restaurant in Alderny, but i am having alot of financial problems. There really isn't much choice, i am already in dept due to not paying my taxes, but what can i do, the stores are generating money but not enough. I am currently investing into a bigger and more central Dry cleaning store, it needs some doing up though, and thats also why i need the money, with this new store in action, my god the money will be roling in.

I have alot of problems in my life to though, i am already in dept to the law, and thats about 4,000 dollars, alot of Banks won't give me a loan, how will i maintain my life, i need money and fast. Luckily for me though, my restaurant in Alderny a good customer and friend of mine called David Casalli, who i think is a Capo in the Gambetti crime family. For years they have been coming to my Restaurant, a few of his associates visited me at my Come clean dry cleaning store, i mean why would Gambetti associates be coming to a sh*t hole like that, when ever they came they gave me an extra tip, it was blaitantly ovbious that they ment business. As much as i didn't want to become involved yet, it appeared at my current status, it was a good option for me. So one day i went over to David Casalli's house in Broker. I needed a loan and badly, this guy and a good friend could help me out, i mean i was just a civilian to him, but he would do what he could to help.

I knocked on his door, and rang his doorbell to be sure, i waited a few seconds looking around the neighbourhood, not bad. David opened the door, "Hey, whats up rich" he said.
"Rich, yep thats me, got all the money in the world" I said sarcasticly
"Come in, come in" David invited me in, and we sat down in the lounge as he quickly finished his cerial, and juged down the milk. "So what can i do for you" said David smiling.
"Actually, i need to borrow some money, uh so i thought you could help me out" I said nervously for some reason i was Trembling aswell. David sat back there, looking at me quite strangly for abit.
"You want to borrow some money, how much?" asked David
"30 g's" I said as i started nodding slowly. However David gave a little burst of laughter out, and shook his head, i had no idea if that ment no or what he was doing. I started getting woried, and kind of embarresed, i mean mabey i asked to much.

"Is their a problem, to much, somthing not right..." as i started speaking, a little less confident
"no the ammount isn't really the problem, it's just that, if you don't pay me back i'm...i'm not gonna be able to hurt you" said david, after that there was a few long seconds of silence.
"But there really is no problem, i can pay you back 40,000 in a few days i still have 20 in my bank" i said, but david looked at me curiously, and was starting to think.
"Ok, so what's the money for, and who's the guy you're doing business with, i might even know him" asked David.
"It's for a new Store, interiors, guys name's Marek Gjonski, a Polack, or Albanian business man, you know him?" I asked, David's face gave a hint of possibilty that he did, his eyes went a little more round aswell. But he didn;t approve.
"Nope, know nothing 'bout him, ok though i'll give you, your money because your a good friend" said David as he drasticly changed his mind about the whole idea.
"Wow, Thanks David, i'll have your money within the week, I promise you this!" i said so happy that he agreed.
"Don't worry take your time, don't worry, hope it all goes well" said David as he smiled, and showed me the way out. We both said fairwell, and the deal was done.

I was the happiest man alive at this moment, and the good thing is, i wasn't actually connected but at the same time, all it would take to be properly connected wasn't far away. Somthing at the same time fell wrong, epecially about the businessman's mention, i mean his face i swear changed, his mind was changed like that, but oh well i was too happy to worry, as i called a cab and went home.

Slingaa
  • Slingaa

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#1945

Posted 04 September 2010 - 09:27 AM

I've been inactive, but I'd like to stay, thanks.

Build Up Your Gang
  • Build Up Your Gang

    Join BUYG Today!

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  • Joined: 24 Mar 2008

#1946

Posted 12 September 2010 - 05:29 AM

So, apparently it's been about twelve weeks since this particular Staff posted reviews (SLACKER!), and three weeks since any ratings. Fortunately -- well, for Staff at least -- there's not been many stories.

Landstalker
Irish Mob | Lucky Winkles Bar | Introduction
$0 + $2,036 = $2,036
Before Staff begins reviewing this tiddling 183 word introduction, yes, Staff appreciates that some players are younger than others or are newer at this game, but that really does not make adequate excuse for only posting a snippet as a story. Perhaps another staff will feel differently and rate this, but this Staff just going to allow it to sit for a moment as a placeholder for the gang asset you're after and wait for the proper story.


mati1501
M.O.B. | Native Engines Auto Parts | Chapter 1
$20 + $323 = $343
This is a bit better, at 329 words. Staff knows what you're trying to get at, but -- and we are assuming this is a language barrier -- it's not expressed very well. Furthermore, like Landstalker above you, your story was only really a snippet, an introduction of characters. This isn't a bad thing, but Staff comes away not really sure he knows these characters very well at all. Read what I write below about Nico and Roman's introduction. To develop a character, you need to think long and hard about who this person is, what their idiosyncrasies are. You headed in the right direction, and you wrote more than a couple o' hundred words (though it IS still too short and you DID lose $ for that fact), and Staff would encourage you to write more, but do try and think about your characters and what you're trying to tell your audience if you write another like this.


Pac.
The Gambetti Family | Come Clean dry Cleaners | Chapter 1 :Still legit
$26 + $1,634 = $1,660
Now, THIS, at 812 words, is a reasonable length chapter. It tells a story, albeit short, not just a snippet. It wasn't bad; clearly an introduction to something building up, which is appreciated. A chapter like this is the essense of writing, basically introducing or fleshing-out the characters, what makes them tick, what their personalities are like. Think of IV, when Nico first arrives. We know a crapload about both Nico and Roman in what is nothing more than a five minute drive around Hove Beach. Nothing happens, but the stage is being set for the rest of the storyline.
Pac, you've done a reasonable job getting Richie going. It's not scintillating, there's a LOT of spelling and grammatical errors ( debt , not dept ; blaitantly; ovbious is obviously just a typo; mabey should be maybe ; only one 'm' for ammount ; didn ; t should have an apostrophe; ... to name a few), but your story does carry enough teasers to want to know where its heading. Staff will keep an eye out for your future efforts.


Aragond has informed Staff that he IS still around, that he IS working on the fourth episode, but he's just buried at work at the moment, and it doesn't look like lightening off for another month or two.

Any issues with any of this, you know where to find us!

Aragond no longer on-behalf-of Skramz , whose exams are really, really, really, really, really, really, really long. tounge.gif

Slingaa
  • Slingaa

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#1947

Posted 12 September 2010 - 03:49 PM

I think we should clear everyone out and restart.

Mati
  • Mati

    f*ck the planet till it spins on a broken axis

  • BUSTED!
  • Joined: 03 Aug 2010

#1948

Posted 12 September 2010 - 05:03 PM Edited by mati1501, 27 September 2010 - 03:59 PM.

MOB: NATIVE ENGINES AUTO PARTS CHAPTER 0 Prolouge (1)

BIG V:
Name: Victor Bourne
Age: 30
Place of birth: Dukes, Liberty city
Lives in: South slopes.

Victor: I might tell how my story started. How did I came on Big V? Why do I have debts? Listen carefully.
3 years ago...
Me and my girlfriend Monica are buying a garage in Broker. It was burned down so it will be at least some cheaper than a new garage.
Victor: Yeah I like this place. How much do you want?
?: Well how about three thousand bucks?
Monica: Wait Victor. Lets go outside for a minute.
Victor: Sure, why not?

We go outside. There are 2 kids smoking something on a bench.
Victor: OK this place looks great doesn't it? Imagine me working there on some hot cars. Wait... why are you crying?
Monica: You know we don't have any money. I don't want to make any debts.
Victor: Oh come on baby. Three thousand? I got this in a week when I tune some cars here. We talked about that.
I see the two kids on a bench. I thought they needed some help.
Victor: Look over there. These people make some debts because they bought some apartment or other bullsh*t thet couldn't pay.
Monica: Okay. I'm well... a little scared...
Victor: You sure it's about making debts?
Monica: Yes. There's something else.

Victor just wanted to ask what's the matter but Monica's phone rings.
Monica: Sorry. I have to go to Anna. Buy the garage okay darling?
Victor: Okay, we talk later.

Then I went inside the garage.

?: Ah. Here you are.
Victor: Okay I'm buying this place for 10 grands.
?: Lucky to hear that. Have fun with it.

My first look at this place was like: `Man, this is some crazy sh!t.`. I imagined me in a suit while my mechanics pimped out hot cars. Nothing could go wrong.

But the place was burned down so I had to make new floors, bulid a few walls... Nothing that bad.
But I had almost no customers.
2 years later I saw those kids again. Their names were C- day and Jacko. They were good kids but got involved with the M.O.B.

They introduced me and my garage to the other gang members. They let me pimp out a few cars and all. My shop even became a pay and spray. But my garage soon became a gang hideout. It wasn't that bad. They hide some drugs here and there and give me 10% of the profit. I even sold some of this sh!t. And went some of their parties, I bought a sweet futo and I soon became Big V.

You wonder what gone wrong, huh? Well the M.O.B had a deal with some a$$holes. They were not a real gang. Just some junkies from south broker. The M.O.B stole their money. Like about a goddamn million dollars! The junkies wanted to become dealers themselves and thought the M.O.B had 1 million worth of drugs. They did not so they ripped them off.

The deal was not for the whole mob, just a part of it lead by T- bag.

The junkies wanted revenge. At one night Monica was gone. I went to T- bag as quickly as I could but he went to Vice city with the money.

Now I have exactly 2 months to get the money.

Pac.
  • Pac.

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  • Joined: 28 Dec 2009

#1949

Posted 12 September 2010 - 05:11 PM

Oh you can remove Sanjeem, because in forgot to say, it is me. This is my new account, My bad

Slingaa
  • Slingaa

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#1950

Posted 20 September 2010 - 06:38 PM

I'd like to move to the Albanian Mob at the Platypus please.




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