BUYG: Build Up Your Gang IV
Posted 24 November 2009 - 07:34 PM
Posted 24 November 2009 - 07:52 PM Edited by Big_Mitch_Baker, 24 November 2009 - 07:57 PM.
And yes, a lot of the characters and such are loosely based on me and my crew
I admit I kinda just threw in the "He was pissed off" part because it's a bit unlike Malvado to show he's upset, yelling back at Joe Jon and such. Same with the scene where Rocket Ronny gets shot, Malvado gets angry and it shows. Malvado isn't supposed to be angry and villainous like the other bikers, he's just extremely apathetic. "It seeped through his cold exterior" was a quick way to explain that the outburst was not at all usual for Malvado, who if you've been following the story very rarely shows any sign of human emotion at all (but it's in there, buried deep under his own personal torment). I totally agree that I had better options in which to portray this, rather than just throwing in a line of what he's thinking.
Also, Malvado is unsure how to feel about Gwen. Kind of a love/hate thing going on, he's not sure if he should help due to loyalty or let her sleep in the bed she made. He loved her at one time, but she broke his heart and he's kept it hidden away ever since. Going to help her only reaffirms his feelings exist and it could drag him back into a world he cared about (which would become a problem to his occupation as a career criminal).
Anyway, I can't promise anything but I'll work on my grammatical errors and sh*t like that. Hope ya'll enjoy the next one as well
Edit: Wow, even my comments run too long lol
Posted 24 November 2009 - 09:09 PM
For some reason, I like how you put charecters names in colour, give it a GTAIV feel to your posts lol
Will hopefully get started going over me last story tomorrow if i has the time. Alot of things I really want to change before I move on, otherwise the story wont make f*ck all sense.
But for now...Modern warfare 2 .
Posted 25 November 2009 - 01:41 PM Edited by kid23455, 25 November 2009 - 05:25 PM.
The Broker Hardware Store
Jim walks out of the bar, feeling drunk. He trips down the stairs, and hits his head on the ground. Getting up, he notices his cell phone is ringing. The caller is Timothy, who calls every 10 minutes.
Tim says, "Hey Jim, we got some trouble over here. Some prick irishman dosen't want to pay on his loan."
Jim replied, "Sure, i'll be right there."
Jim walks over to Colony Island, and finds Tim.
Jim says, "Where is this irish s***?"
Tim says, "He ran away, he went east, and you won't able to catch him."
Jim says, "Well, why didn't you call me so I could cut him off?"
"I did call you."
Jim looks at his phone and says,
"I fu**** hate technology."
Jim sprints over to the east, hoping to intercept the irish guy. He sees he went to the water. He looks left, and sees a very angry irish man walking down the street. Jim sees him go to the gas station, and sees an opportunity. He walks over to the irish man, and sees him buy some scratch tickets. Jim punches him in the face and says,
"Why the f*** haven't you paid?"
The irish man says, "F*** off, man."
Jim punches him again, and says again,
"Where is the money you borrowed?"
"I don't know, I spent it."
Jim goes and throws the man into a wall.
"If you don't get five-hundred dollars to me by friday, thats 4 days away, to let you know, you are going to wake up with TWO a**h****."
Jim walks away. He looks at his phone. It says, get over here right now man. The text was 3 minutes ago. Jim dosen't know where Tim is, so he walks home.
Jim arrives at home. He sees his car isn't there. There is a note, however. The note says,
"Alright, listen. People hate your loan sharking, so I am going to even the score. Without your car or your friend, you can't do anything. I want 20,000 dollars by midnight or your friend and your car go into the bay. Bring the cash to the cemetary on Charge Island.
From, A friend."
Jim wonders for a second, then realizes it must be the irish guy. He checks the time. It is already 9 o'clock. He goes in and checks his safe. It has the front melted off and there are only a few pennies left. Jim calls Cal.
Cal:"Hey, James, how you doin?"
Jim:"Hey, I told you my name is not James, its Jim. Anyway, I need to borrow some money."
Cal:"Ahaha, the Loan Shark needs a loan. How much?"
Jim:"Nineteen-thousand nine-hundred-ninety-nine dollars and fifteen cents."
Cal:"Uhh, I only have about one thousand. Why do you need that much?"
Jim:" Some guy stole Tim and my car. If they don't get twenty grand by midnight, the will throw them into the bay. Great seeing how Tim can't swim, or survive in a gunfight."
Cal:"Alright, I could give you a gun"
Jim:"Yeah, I have no idea how many people there are. I can't start a war with some gangsters and expect to get out of it. Wait a minute."
Jim:"I just got an idea. It's in a cemetary at night, so I could easily pretend I have the money. It will be very dark, So I may just be able to fill up a normal briefcase with paper, and call it money."
Cal:"So what can I do?"
Jim:"Go to the cemetary and watch out for the guys. Text me when you see them."
Jim grabs a briefcase, fills it up with paper pretend money, and goes off. Arriving at the cemetary, he gets a text. Cal says that the place is weakly guarded. Jim runs over and looks. There are only five people standing around.
Jim:"I may just pull this off."
Jim goes toward the men with the the hostages.
Jim:"Where is my car and the guy?"
It is too dark to figure out what the people look like. Someone cut the power to the lights.
Man:"They are at the airport. If you try to attack me, they won't get the message to not kill your friend and trash your car. If you give me the money, I will tell them to dump the car at two o'clock. The price also just went up by three hundred dollars for finding that you made a stakeout on us. You better have everything right here and right now, or you will experience the sensation of having twenty pistol rounds going into you."
Jim:"Oh, you have guns? Really? Because unlucky for you, I used to work at a clothes store, and those pants you have don't have pockets."
Jim notices that the lights came back on. The men also don't have any accent at all. They speak fluent english.
Man:"Okay, smartass, put the money on the ground and run to the airport."
Jim:"How do I know that you will send the text message?'
Man:"Loan shark's honor? Hey, I am in control here, and whatever I say goes."
Jim lobs the briefcase over to the man, spilling its contents. He gets a text from Cal saying that he hopes that the man dosen't realize its monopoly money. Jim sprints over to the airport. He sees a homeless person sitting there.
Hobo:"Spare change, sir?"
Jim:"F*** you man, god, go get a freakin job, you lazy s***."
Jim manages to get into the airport. He sees no airport security at all.
Jim:"Wow, no wonder there are so many terrorist attacks, I can walk right into the airport without even getting any attention."
Jim sees his friend tied up in his car. However, two guys holding crowbars tell Jim to f*** off. Jim grabs one and throws him into the bay. The other is prying open the door. Jim notices that he must not be very smart, as he could just open the door. Jim smashes the man's head through the window, and then dumps his unconscious body into the bay. Jim pulls off the gag from Tim.
Jim:"Are you okay?"
Tim:"Yeah, I think so. Wait, why do I hear sirens?"
Jim:"Ohhhh, crap. They called the cops. Unbelieveable."
FIB man:"This is the FIB! You are under arrest for kidnapping and aggravated assault. Put your hands in the air!"
Tim gives up, but Jim makes a break for it. He runs into the water, only to be surrounded by predators.
Cop:"This is the LCPD, give up now, motherf*****!"
Jim is tasered, and taken aboard.
Posted 25 November 2009 - 01:44 PM
Posted 25 November 2009 - 01:46 PM
You need to pick an area to write for. As soon as you state where you're writing for, you can start, but you need to be added to the roster beforehand.
Posted 25 November 2009 - 03:48 PM
Posted 25 November 2009 - 05:26 PM Edited by kid23455, 25 November 2009 - 05:34 PM.
also, why is there no buzzard, or really any of the bogt items?
Posted 25 November 2009 - 06:43 PM
Posted 26 November 2009 - 03:09 AM
Posted 26 November 2009 - 10:44 AM
Posted 26 November 2009 - 09:43 PM
Posted 28 November 2009 - 02:54 AM Edited by Build Up Your Gang, 28 November 2009 - 04:29 AM.
|QUOTE (.2D @ Nov 24 2009, 19:34)|
|Yus, delete the old one, then im going to change a big bit of it, then have it re-rated to see if I improved it a bit, or i could edit it and you could just tell me|
Staff is ambivalent about this because one suspects reposting the same story to be re-rated is a BUYG no-no. However, Staff will accept it being reposted just this once. Paste the revised story in the old slot and staff will re-rate it.
|QUOTE (Big_Mitch_Baker @ Nov 24 2009, 19:52)|
|Wow, thanks for another gleaming review BUYG|
BUYG was pleased to provide it.
|I admit I kinda just threw in the "He was pissed off" part because it's a bit unlike Malvado to show he's upset, yelling back at Joe Jon and such. ... I totally agree that I had better options in which to portray this, rather than just throwing in a line of what he's thinking.|
Staff had no issue with the fact that you described Malvado's mood. Staff was only noting that there were better options available, as you've recognised.
Only five days since the last ratings. Thought I'd get in before the rush.
Irish Mob | Steinway Beer Garden | Chapter 6 The End of JDs Liberty Dream
$26 + $1,118 = $1,144
A man who knows how and when to kill off a storyline. Good stuff. Those two can always return, say, as someone else's hitters.
Again, it's not "Where are we going now." Asked Kev., nor "Where are we going now" asked Kev., but "Where are we going now?" asked Kev. Comma at the end of the quote (ir question or exclamation marks) and the "said"/"asked"/etc is not capitalised. Also, each person's dialogue must have a separate paragraph, even when they get interrupted by someone else.
It was a little lacking in substance, but what there was was pretty good. Since the relationship between Mac and JD is the centre of your stories, you might want to focus on their relationship, on how they interact. I think you've got a LOT of scope for stories with these two, a lot more than many peoples' stories, and I would encourage you to read more stories about well-written duos. There's a few out there.
Staff also appreciated the poetry in the final paragraph, a fitting end as it was a reverse to Niko's arrival to the city.
Not your very best work, sure, but still a nice conclusion. Looking forward to what's next.
Pegorino Family | Pegorino Mansion | Chapter 6 Withdrawal Symptom
$37 + $3,458 = $3,495
"Irritably", "gormlessly" Someone's discovered a dictionary and staff is impressed!
Were nicotine patches around in 1991 when your story is set? One thinks not (but so close), and it's a trap for past-settings writers. 'Cuz such accuracy is important. (Though, to be fair, only an old bastard like this particular staff member would have noticed. Your next question -- how the hell did people quit back then? -- is beyond the scope of this rating. )
Staff can't help feeling Louie's giving-up smoking didn't provide as rich a sidebar or flavour to a story as the Little Italy angle, but it's worth points that you're trying to give stories more substance.
The word "etcetera" is actually two words "et" and "cetera" (Latin), but Staff appreciates that you spelled it out rather than used "etc."
PLEASE. Staff is on their knees. It's not "The Cigar factory"., nor "Are you f*cking kidding me"?, but "Are you f*cking kidding me?" The commas, full-stops (periods), and question marks go INSIDE the quotation marks, because they belong to what the person is saying, and everything the person says is INSIDE the quotes. You have an English flag, profile says "London", so staff assumes there's no European variance to this grammatical rule in play here. Henceforth, this error will cost you. If it's still not clear, PM the BUYG.
A solid story, well-formed, and with new adjectives!! But that grammar thing, it's a hold-back.
Albanian Mob | Hardware Store | Part 1 The chronicles of the Albanian Mob
$29 + $76 = $105
First and foremost, welcome to the game.
Secondly, the proscribed format for BUYG stories is a story format, whereas much of your story appear to be in a script format. Big no-no. Instead of writing: Jim:"How do I know that you will send the text message?' write it like this: "How do I know that you will send the text message?" Jim asked suspiciously.
Staff greatly appreciates that you learned from other members and corrected your work. This shows a much appreciated propensity to improve one's work. While Staff has a tendancy to tirefully bang on about paragraph usage staff has noted your correct use of paragraphs, one line per dialogue, and appreciates it. Staff is also encouraged that the advice came from Vercetti27.
In all seriousness, your grammar is good, no glaring spelling issues, some of the dialogue is quite amusing, the story had me interested and reading straight through, and I'm eagar to know what happens next. A worthy first story. Good stuff.
There is some unnecessary details around, and Staff would also encourage you to read carefully other peoples' work, particularly anything that earned $40 or more, pick apart how they write particular details, what they write about. It's just a learning thing.
Staff never saw your earlier editions of the same story, but is impressed with what it reads now. Oh, but are Jim and Tim Albanian names?! Perhaps things will be explained further, but one doesn't see how these guys are connected to the Albanian Mob or the Hardware store.
Regardless, a fine effort. Looking forward to Part 2.
Illegal script format utilised: First and final warning.
Pegorino Family | Recycling Plant | Story #10
$rating still pending
What the cheesits is wrong with the formatting?! Apparently font-sizing has been switched off for new posts to save on server load.
Pegorino Family | Recycling Plant | Story #11
$rating still pending
~ Aragond fur der Skramzphusionmeister.
Posted 29 November 2009 - 05:17 AM Edited by kid23455, 29 November 2009 - 05:28 AM.
Somewhere in Liberty City
"Hey. Hey a**head, I'm talking to you. Hey! Wake up. Wakey Wakey. Alright, get up now motherf*cker!"
Jim sees a bright light. He looks at it. It really hurts his eyes. He looks around. He sees one police officer, and an FIB agent.
"Hey, you deaf?" The FIB man says.
"No, I don't think he is, though he didn't listen to the cops when we were trying to arrest him" The cop says.
"I am completely f***in awake" Jim says.
"Alright, buddy. Listen, we know that you aren't a gangster who will spend five or six years in here. You are looking at more like five-hundred, maybe four-hundred for good behavior." The FIB agent says.
"What the f*** are you talking about?"
"I'm talking about the terrorist attack"
"What the... I'm no terrorist!"
"Okay, would you take a lie detector test for that?"
"I don't have to take a lie detector test for nothing. I am not a terrorist. I am a hardworking American citizen."
"Yeah, right. We saw the monopoly money exchange at the cemetary."
"Okay, fine. You want to know the truth? I am part of the Albanian Mob. There, happy?"
"You aren't Albanian."
"Yeah, I know. I am a mercenary for them. Henchman for hire. Catching on, retard?"
"Okay, for gang-related activities, you can get fifteen years."
"Okay, what else is there?"
"Well, for your other crimes, which are kidnapping, aggravated assault, and resisting arrest, you can easily spend forty years in the pen."
"Oh yeah? How much is bail?"
"Well, from what I have seen before, about one-hundred thousand dollars, double that if you want your friend, slash kidnapped victim out."
"He's my brother. You guys really see don't see it all or know it all. Hey, what was that about the terrorist attacks?"
"Nothing, nothing. Get this loser to a cell."
Jim is escorted to a cell. He sees two other guys there. One is a scrawny weakling, another is a big fat guy.
"Take off your pants" The fat guy says.
"Why?" Jim replies.
"Isn't it obvious?"
The fat guy makes a move toward Jim, and Jim gets behind him and pushes him into the bars. He takes the weakling's glasses, breaks them, then pushes them into the fat guy.
"Next time think before you try to do that again. Think, oh, maybe this guy can kick my a**, so maybe I shouldn't get on his bad side!" Jim screams.
"Hey thanks man. Hey, there aren't any cameras in this room. I have an escape plan." The little guy says.
"What? You better hope this fat guy dosen't wake up from his blood loss coma, or whatever it is."
"An escape plan. I managed to get a cell phone. We can make one call, It has two minutes only. You are part of a gang, right?"
"Well, call somebody and have them bust you out."
"Umm, well okay, I guess."
"Wait, on one condtidion"
"You must get me out of here, too."
Two hours later, in Broker
"Your cell phone is ringing."
"Okay. Hold on."
"Hey, Jim. Yeah. You got busted!?! Okay, got it. Yeah, I'm infuriated too. Yes. Okay. How are we supposed to get our hands on that!?! Fine, I'll try. I gotta go. Bye"
"Who was that?" Bujar says.
"Our mercenary, Jim got caught. We gotta bust him out of prison."
"Well, we gotta get to the police department."
"So, what was that special thing Jim needed?"
"Well, I don't intend to get it for him, he wanted a helicopter, he said he needed to get multiple people out. Honestly, Jim and Tim can use a gun."
Midnight, at the LCPD Headquarters
"Okay, Artan. We are going up against the police with barely lethal firepower. One pistol. Any good ideas?"
"There is a ladder over there for the window cleaners."
Meanwhile, in the prison
"God, when will they be here?" Yangletoff says.
"Soon, you'll know when they are here. Bye the way, what kind of name is Yangletoff, anyway?"
BLAM, BLAM, BLAM! Bujar comes storming down the hall, firing a pistol.
Bujar comes over and grabs a key from on of the guards. He unlocks the cell and the one next to it holding Tim.
"Lets get out of here!"
"Wait!" Yangletoff says.
"What!" everybody else says.
"I thought you were going to break me out!"
"Yeah, well, we all think things. Anyway, bye!"
"Go out the window over there! Artan is waiting!" Bujar says.
Making a daring foot escape, they burst out of the window and run. They run and are quickly greeted by a police helicopter.
"Smile for the camera, d***head."
Tim is hit in the leg, and Bujar is hit in the head.
"There is no time for Tim, Bujar, you okay?" Jim says.
"Yeah, I am. The bullet didn't exactly graze me, but I think my brain is still intact." Bujar says.
"Ditch Tim, he dosen't have a sentence anyway." Jim says.
The police helicopter is forced to stay with Tim, who is wounded. Jim, Artan, and Bujar all escape, bloody and bruised, but alive.
Posted 29 November 2009 - 09:32 PM
Posted 03 December 2009 - 03:00 AM
The Chapter 3:Rebirth
Alderney State Prison Yard Time, North HH members are rioting, the M.O.B (which was a NHH set and then broke away and became a major gang in the city) are attacking riot police, Andre is in the basketball court near the exit. Inmates are rioting because of the food shortages, and the electricity running out due to Governor Stubbs’ poor funding. Near the weight area is Julius who is tossing weights at the guards, Rioters then open the weapons cache where they arm themselves , Andre who is a part of the rioters arms himself with a Micro Uzi, and begins to head to the exit which is heavily armed by snipers and by N.O.O.S.E members. While Hiding by the gate Andre carefully tries to sneak pass several officers who are beating on an Latino inmate. Four blood drenched hours of rioting and it stops when the N.O.O.S.E agents reinforced the Prison. Files of the all the inmates have been destroyed. This includes Andre’s profile. We now embark on his journey back to North Holland‘s ranks and money , having to be surround by enemies in Alderney, and by traitors in southern Algonquin. This part of the seven chapter series takes place three and a half years later into Liberty City, with Andre “Knocc Out” Jones, a once local rapper and dealer, sentenced to fours years in prison, while in jail he began a personal change, a rebirth if you will, causing him to be more violent, to have a better since of choice and he is more intelligent., but has none less increased his vocabulary and lyrical skills. His appearance seems to be more heavily fit, as if Tookie Williams trained him. His hair as grown to his shoulders, his voice has lighten up, ironically his voice was deeper before prison. We now tune in to Andre, in Dukes.
A man is walking down an alley when he is jumped, by Andre. This man seems to be a member of Jamaican Posse. “Give me your f*cking money.” I yelled.
“Stupid puss clot , you know who you messing with? He pleaded.
I began to push my knife threw his hand. “Ah!!!!!!!!!!” He screamed in agony.
I took his gun and his money then ran off.
“You will die you sorry f*cker, I swear it.” He said to me.
I jacked his Voodoo too, luckily for me the was about 12 birds of marijuana in the trunk.
I rode up to Colony island where my man Julius was hiding out. I parked the car and then went up the road to meet him. Of course he was from Glen Park, so he wanted to be called by his old Balla name “O-Dog”. “Knocc, was sup man?” he asked me. “I need to stash some drugs here, you got any room?” I said.
While laughing heartily he said “Sure thing for my nigga.”
As he went threw the trunk of the car I stole, he stopped in his tracks and said “I know this car, this belongs to Lil Jacob, you robbed LJ?” I looked at him with a very confused look. “Who?” I asked. “Stupid!” he muttered “He is the biggest drug trafficker in East Liberty!” He said.
“No way Playboy is.” I said quickly. “Dawg playboy was smoked like 6 months ago, after he found your old rhyme book he started rapping and he got into it with Big Al, one year later, he was shot dead in Chicago by Big Al’s Notorious Crew.” He explained to me. “How do you know man? You was locked like me, in fact a bit longer than I was.” I said. Trying to call his bluff. “Because this guy I got with when I escaped; Marc told me every thing.” He stated. “What about my brother?” I asked. “I’m sorry Knocc he is working with M.O.B now. I mean after you got arrested and Playboy, Jermaine and Dwayne was killed, the gang just gave up and almost everyone left.” he said.
I sat down, I couldn’t take in all of this. I need set my music career off and start to rebuild my gang, this time I will be the OG. “Damn, I going to see my brother man, where is he at?” I asked while wiping tears from my face and sniveling. “ I think he is in South Bohan at this party with some Spanish Lords.” He said with thought. “Be careful, you know how dangerous the lords can be!” He said.
I got back into my car and headed up to South Bohan. On my way I can see that M.O.B’s influence is so big that one of their sets deal guns with the Mafia. One neighborhood in chase point was all NHH members, put the were armed with nothing more than shotguns and pistols. Poorly dressed, attacking each other and no sense of leaders. I finally made to the Spanish Lords projects on Sing Sing Ave in South Bohan.
I reached in my jacket for my Uzi, it’s cocked and ready. I walked up to the elevator and I pressed floor 4, where I thought the music was coming from. The door opened with 2 Spanish Lord members walking with a mafia soldier named Sonny. I hit number 5 and up we went. “You’re going to the party?” Sonny asked. “Yea, you remember me?” I asked. “Yea you bought guns from me like 10 years ago.” he replied. “Well, you got a good memory one you uh?” I said, “Yea, I… he stopped as did the elevator. The door opened and there was a whole lot people were in the hallway dancing to Dr.Dre and 50 Cent.
M.O.B members are performing the Holland Shake and the Fire Walk, throwing up their purple and red bandanas and chanting Northside Killa. I saw my brother in the crowd dancing with a lady. Then he headed towards the bathroom with her. I followed him in.
I pushed the girl out the way and I confronted him, he was drunk I can smell it.
“Yo man do you know who’s bitch you pushed nigga?!” he screamed.
“I’m the motherf*cking Young Menace in this bitch Nigga.” He said.
He stopped and looked at me. “Dre?.. Is… that you?” He said with tears in his eyes.
He hugged me and hugged him back, “damn you got f*cking big man, you swole as sh*t man!” he said.
“Hey Marc I got good news man, I can get the gang back together and……. I stopped as he looked at with fear in his eyes. “I.. I can’t man; I’m sorry.” He turned around and walked away from me. I ran out the bathroom to find but he was gone.
Posted 03 December 2009 - 06:29 PM
I got some new ideas for the Pegorino's. Expect new chapters, focusing on new characters (including a whole new main character) soon.
Posted 03 December 2009 - 09:33 PM
A New Friend and New Enemy
Kev was sat at the bar in Steinway Beer Garden drinking a beer on his own. He slurped the beer into his mouth while feeling fatigued. He took the last swig of his beer and stood up while heading for the door.
“That one pint was to JD and Mac. The best pair of motherf*ckers the world has ever seen!” shouted Kev as he opened the door and walked out of the Steinway Beer Garden.
As he got out onto the pavement of the street his phone beeped as he received a text message. It read “get 2 my house now we got a new kid from packie”
Kev only had one beer which he dedicated to JD and Mac so he thought he might as well go to Packie’s house. He walked down the road and was quite chilled until as he came onto Packie’s road he saw that a tramp was coming towards him and staring at him as if he wanted something.
“Hey man, you got any change for me please” asked the tramp
“The only change I’ll give you is a fist in the face.” Replied Kev in a firm voice
The tramp backed down and walked in the other direction as Kev got to Packie’s house. Kev walked straight in to find Packie sat on the sofa with a kid that looked about fifteen but was quite muscular.
“Hey Kev this is Ted but most of us call him Rooster. He is new to this kind of stuff so I want you to help him get started.” Said Packie as he saw Kev.
“Hey man it’s nice to meet you.” Said Rooster as he stood up to shake Kev’s hand
“Nice to meet you to son.” Replied Kev as him and Rooster shook hands
“Well now you two know each other you can go do something for me.” Said Packie
“What do you want us to do?” asked Kev
Packie pointed to a briefcase opposite him.
“Take that to Hove beach subway station, there will be a man named John Rosato on platform three. He’s the leader of a drug dealing group that grow their own stuff . He will give you a bag in return for the briefcase which you will take to the 69th Street Diner where someone will take it from you and bring it to a safe location.” Said Packie
“What’s in the bag we’re collecting?” asked Kev
“Nothing that concerns you at this moment in time but might later now get moving he’s probably already there.” Said Packie
Kev and Rooster walked out of Packies house.
“Kev I have a car we can use.” Said Rooster
Roosters car was parked outside of Packie’s house so they got in and headed for the Hove beach subway station. When they got there they got out of the car and headed up to platform three were Rosato was. As Kev and Rooster got to platform three they saw it was deserted except from four men stood next to each other looking around for someone and one had a bag in his right hand.
“Hey Kev I think that’s our man.” Said Rooster while nodding towards the man with the bag in his hand
Kev and Rooster walked towards Rosato. He saw them at the corner of his eye and turned to them.
“You two stop there.” Rosato said in a firm but calm voice.
“Okay, are you John Rosato?” asked Rooster
“Yes, are you the two Irish Mobsters?” asked Rosato
“Yes, we came for the swap.” Said Kev
“Well today your business isn’t going to be a swap, it’ll be more like I TAKE FROM YOU AND YOU DIE! Shouted Rosato as two goons stepped towards Kev and Rooster and held knifes to their throats.
“Drop the briefcase bitch.” Said Rosato in a demanding voice
Kev dropped it and one of the goons kicked it towards Rosato. He picked it up and opened it to see fifty thousand dollars shining in his eyes. He glanced at it for a few more seconds and then closed it.
“Get rid of both of them quickly.” Said Rosato as he turned around and walked down the subway stairs towards the street with his right hand man next to him.
Suddenly a women walked up to the platform to see the two goons had knifes held up to Kev and Rooster and started screaming. This alerted a policeman on the platform below who ran up with a gun drawn. The goon holding Rooster let go of him and threw his knife at the policeman which hit him directly in the chest.
The goon was stood to the right of Rooster who took this opportunity well and left hooked him straight to the floor. Kev kicked the other in the shin with his heel and then flipped him over his shoulder disarming the knife from him and driving it into his upper arm.
Rooster and Kev made a run for were Rosato escaped but he had quickly got off of the scene. As they came down the stairs they could hear police officers closing in on the two floored goons. Kev and Rooster got onto the street.
“Hey, Taxi, stop.” Said Kev while waving at a taxi
The taxi stopped and they both got in.
“Steinway Beer Garden please mate.” Said Kev
“Okay I’ll be there as quick as I can.” Said the Taxi driver who drove to Steinway Beer Garden
When they got there Kev paid the driver and pulled out his mobile. He called Packie.
“Hey Packie that guy was a liar, he walked away with the briefcase and the bag. Plus we had to take out two of his goons.” Said Kev
“Well then Kev it looks like you got yourself a new target.” Said Packie who then hung up
Kev turned to Rooster and said
“As soon as one dies another pops into my life.”
Posted 03 December 2009 - 11:26 PM
Could someone help me?
Posted 03 December 2009 - 11:42 PM
|QUOTE (Master Mind @ Dec 3 2009, 19:26)|
| I'd like to join a gang, but I know nothing about each gangs, and I know basicaly nothing about the cars and the Streets name and all that.|
Could someone help me?
honestly, your best bet is to just replay gta 4. You will know a lot about the gangs. Also, gta chinatown wars has a pretty good gang map.
Posted 04 December 2009 - 08:47 AM
|QUOTE (Master Mind @ Dec 4 2009, 01:33)|
|It's because I own none of these games|
well then you have no chance of knowing about them from other people. What else I suggest you go and read about gta 4 and the gangs on as many sites you can find, gta wiki? wikipedia? that might help.
Posted 04 December 2009 - 01:29 PM
Posted 04 December 2009 - 10:22 PM
Posted 05 December 2009 - 05:32 PM Edited by Big_Mitch_Baker, 06 December 2009 - 02:19 AM.
Posted 05 December 2009 - 09:46 PM
Kev was sat with Rooster and Allen, one of Rooster’s friend’s who is new to the Irish Mob, in his Hakumai waiting outside one of John Rosato’s drug warehouses. Gerald McReary had ordered them to steal one of the dealing vans to get back at Rosato for taking the money. Then plant it with a bomb and put it back into the warehouse which will blow up all of their stock and kill some people with it.
“Are we going to be sat here for hours ‘cus this is pissing me off?” asked Allen who was very impatient.
“We can’t take the bloody van if it isn’t out here. Unless we storm into the factory and get killed which is the exact opposite of our plan.” Said Kev who was getting annoyed with Allen’s impatience
“Yes Allen he has a point, patience is key to our plan.” Said Rooster
“I’m only saying that I’m getting bored.” Said Allen
The van pulled out of the warehouse with two men in the front seats.
“Here’s the van, we’ll follow it and take it when we’re away from the warehouse.” Said Kev
“f*ck following it, we will take it now.” Said Allen who stepped out of the car and opened fire on the two men in the van
“What the f*ck are you doing you amateur?” shouted Kev who pulled out his Assault Rifle and fired at the people coming out of the warehouse in big numbers
“This is how real mobsters act.” Shouted Allen running towards the van as soon as both the men were dead
Rooster had his Micro-smg drawn and was firing at the same people as Kev. Allen took cover infront of the van and was firing from the side of it but his accuracy was poor and couldn’t hit many people. Kev and Rooster open their car doors and used them as cover while firing.
“You two, get over here or you will die.” Shouted Allen like he had power over Kev and Rooster
“I’m the one in charge here so shut the f*ck up.” Shouted Kev as bullets whizzed past his head
“f*ck you pussys I’m going in clos..... “ Allen couldn’t complete his sentence as he peered his head around the van and was shot directly in the forehead.
Kev’s phone was ringing and he pulled it out of his pocket and pressed the green button to answer.
“Kev it looks like you need some help.” Said the voice on the other end
“Yes who is this?” asked Kev
The person on the other end hung up but Kev had a smile on his face when he could see that the enemy were all getting taken out by sniper fire from a building behind them. All of them were getting taken down one by one with a bit of help from Kev and Rooster’s fire.
Once all of the men were down Kev and Rooster came out of cover behind the car and walked towards Allen’s dead body on the floor.
“He should never have been a cocky f*cker.” Said Rooster who picked up Allen’s Combat Pistol
Rooster and Kev walked towards the warehouse and were met by two men with sniper rifles.
“So I guess you were the two that helped us?” asked Kev
“Yes we are. I’m Mike and this is Fredrick but just call him Fred.” Said Mike
“Thanks for the help.” Said Kev as him and Rooster shook hands with them
“I’m Kev and this is Rooster. Who sent you two to help?” asked Kev
“Gerald McReary told us to watch over the warehouse. He then gave me your number just in case you got into trouble.” Said Fred
“We should burn this sh*t to the ground before the cops come.” Said Kev
“Good idea.” Said Mike
All four of them walked into the warehouse to find Marijuana growing and there was a lot of Ecstasy pills on the tables in the warehouse.
“That’s what should start it off.” Said Rooster pointing to a couple of petrol cans in the corner of the warehouse.
They each grabbed one and covered different areas of the warehouse. Rooster covered the outside of the warehouse with Mike while Kev and Fred covered the Marijuana and the inside. Once the whole of the warehouse was covered in petrol they had to quickly find a way of burning it.
“We need something big to start a massive fire.” Said Fred
“How about that bin outside that has fire in it?” said Kev
Two hobos ran away when the shooting started and left a bin there which had the inside set alight for warmth. Mike and Rooster grabbed it and took it into the warehouse. They then dropped it upside-down on the petrol which set it alight. They all ran out while the warehouse started to burn.
“My car us just outside, lets quickly get out of here.” Said Fred
All four ran to Fred’s car and got in.
“There’s only one place we can go now.” Said Kev
“Where is that?” asked Rooster
“Steinway Beer Garden” said Kev with a cheeky grin on his face
Posted 06 December 2009 - 02:19 AM Edited by Big_Mitch_Baker, 11 December 2009 - 06:10 AM.
ANGELS OF DEATH MC
The Epic Chronicle of Johnny Malvado
Chapter 9: Follow the Leader
PREVIOUS CHAPTER: Brotherhood of Fiends
Sheets of driving rain poured down and abrased Malvados face like a sand blaster as he sped toward Dukes on his Zombie. He split lanes of busy streets and ignored traffic lights until he arrived out front of Gwens house. Malvado sat on his motorcycle and watched through the window, as the rain beat down and soaked every inch of him. The shillouttes of Gwen and her husband could be seen on the curtains, pointing and flailing arms wildly as they argued. Suddenly Gwen was slapped, and she cupped her hands over her face and wept. Malvado killed the engine and briskly walked up to the front door. With a powerful front kick, the door flew off it's hinges and into the house.
"What the hell?", Gwens husband blurted out as he walked into the hallway to investigate. Malvado, not once losing stride, balled his fist and gave him a right hook. He emitted a strangely effeminate moan and collapsed unconscious on the floor.
"Johnny!", Gwen exclaimed, running up and giving him a big hug. At first he stood there, but her warmth drew him in and he held her close. It was only a moment, but time stood still for them both.
"I love you Johnny..." she whispered. The words left a bitter taste in his mouth, as she was the one who ended their relationship badly. He ended their embrace. He felt as though something had come over him, however he had now snapped out of it and became cold and indifferent once again.
"You're soaked, let me get you a towel", Gwen sniffled as she wiped the tears from her face.
"I'm fine" he replied.
"Well you're getting my floor wet...and dirty", she said and giggled awkwardly, still somewhat crying.
"sh*t", Malvado said as he looked down at the soles of his boots, which were now creating mud on the tile floor. Gwen looked down at her husband, whose face was purple and swollen.
"You shouldn't have done that Johnny...He's an FIB agent, he's gonna come looking for you", she remarked.
"Oh, I guess I'll have to kill 'em then", he replied as he drew his pistol and pointed it at her husband. She pushed his arm upward, and he let her do so.
"No, don't!" she exclaimed. Malvado returned his gun to its holster.
"You said you had something for me?", Malvado asked Gwen. A look of disappointment came over her face, as she was hoping he came to save her. Little did she know, he did.
"Yeah, I have a file here", she said as she shuffled through papers on a nearby desk. She handed him a brown file folder, but refused to let go for a few seconds in an attempt to stall Malvado from leaving so soon. He cleared his throat and she let go.
"Right on, this should really clear some things up", he commented.
"You're Welcome", Gwen said sarcastically expecting some sort of thanks.
"Thank you", Malvado responded, unusually polite for a murderous biker.
Lights of blue and red began to flash through the window. Gwen peeked out the curtains to see a cop cruiser parked out front. Someone had called the police when they saw a dangerous looking biker kick down their neighbors door.
"I'll take care of this, you go out the back", Gwen said as she motioned Malvado towards the back door. She stood up on her toes, stretching to reach Malvados' face to give him a kiss on the cheek. He tucked the file folder into his jacket and left. He snuck around the side of the house and waited for the Police to enter the front door. When the way was clear he walked over to his Zombie and rode away.
Malvado arrived back at the Rusty Schidt scrap yard, and he proceeded to enter the rusted out Van he was living in. He opened the file folder, trying not to let his wetness ruin the papers. He skimmed through the file, as it described the FIB investigation of the Westdyke chapter of the Angels of Death. It mentioned they were being watched for Meth production and were suspected of several murders in Alderney. Malvado figured that perhaps this was the reason he was ordered to kill the entire chapter, being watched by the FIB made them a liability. But then Malvado came across an entry that caught him by surprise. The Westdyke Angels were accused of dealing with a known terror cell in Liberty City. Despite their anti-social activities, the Angels of Death were self proclaimed Patriots. Bikers generally hated terrorists and other anti-Americans, so it was quite a shock to see in black and white that his Westdyke club brothers were dealing with them. The entry continued to imply that whatever the Westdyke chapter acquired from the terrorists, it was given to Lester Arnold on his orders.
"Arnie?" Malvado said aloud to himself. Things didn't add up, even more so than before. Lester Arnold, the national leader of the club, was as pro-American as they come. It was his idea to use Patriotism as a recruitment tool. Most of the Angels were just brutes who were too psychotic to fit in anywhere else, however a lot of them saw themselves as American freedom fighters, despite their propensity for robbery and murder of civilians.
Malvado pulled out his phone, and brought up Joe Jons number. He hesitated to dial, as he was still upset with Joe Jon for his lack of commitment to his biker brothers. Seeing as Joe Jons' raging temper was always completely out of control, he was most certainly still steamed at Malvado. Malvado swallowed his pride and finished dialing. The phone began to ring on the other end...
NEXT CHAPTER: Let it Snow
Posted 06 December 2009 - 07:09 AM Edited by Build Up Your Gang, 07 December 2009 - 02:15 PM.
Albanian Mob | Hardware Store | Part 2 You can run but I can hide
$26 + $105 = $131
The story was pretty heavy on the dialogue, chunks of which could have been shaved of a few lines with better planning, and the description of the prison break was, imho, too short. They broke in, they shot a few times, they grabbed the keys, they leave this Yangletoff guy behind. The end. That alone could have been a really good story.
I know what you were trying to achieve with the police interview -- telling us who Jim was -- but it seemed a very unrealistic conversation. It would have been better that Jim confessed this to his fellow gang-banger cellmate (tho' prolly not Yangletoff) with whom he's trying to build a future relationship. Y'know, meets a big-time dope dealer across the corridor; they strike-up a conversation; Jim lets him know what he's into, maybe they can do business in the future. Haven't you seen "Usual Suspects"? Prison's where ALL the business deals get agreed. Telling the cops you're a mobster is guaranteed to get you extra jailtime, as the cop rightly told him. Mobsters say nothing, deny everything before cops. Not explain the structure of the Albanian mob. Just for future reference.
Oh, and, he might BE a mercenary, but I'll bet none of his gang-mates will call him that. To them, if he's not formally "in", he'd be an "associate", a "non-Albanian friend", or perhaps even their "cousin". Mobsters have to ALWAYS be aware that the cops are listening, always tailor their speech to make things sound as innocuous as possible. Your ability to do business depends on your ability to sound legitimate to any cop that's listening.
A few full-stops/periods missing from dialogue and description.
Otherwise, staff thinks you've got a good thing that just needs a bit more work.
North Holland Hustlers | Playboy X's Loft | Chapter 3 Rebirth
$33 + $660 = $693
Firstly, I gotta set you straight on the narrative thing. If the story is going to be in third-person, so from the perspective of the "All-seeing-eye" or "the Storyteller", then you can have descriptions about what's happening in the prison yard because the "voice" telling us all this is your "all-seeing" narrator. It's from their perspective that all action is described, all the narrative is in their voice.
On the other hand, if your story is first-person, then ALL your story is in first person and the narrative MUST be told from their perspective, in their voice. Goodfellas and Casino are examples that come to mind. It's those characters telling us a story. And, they ARE telling their own story, in their own voice, with their own warped perspective, just like we were sitting across from them at the kitchen table.
But, in neither case will the story's narrator, be it the all-seeing-narrator or the protagonist, tell us "This part of the seven chapter series", because that is something only you, the author, and we, the readers, know about. The characters -- and yes, the all-seeing-narrator or storyteller is a character, just not one that we ever know the name of -- live inside the universe of the story and have absolutely no idea that their story is being broken up into one-hour chapters or episodes.
So, to tell a story from first-person, as you have, but then have a storyteller as narrator, and, worse yet, a narrator that is in the author's voice reeks of the 1960s Batman series. Which is fine if you are reaching for so-B-Grade-it's-awesome, but not good for a Sopranos-type show.
Has Staff explained that well enough?
It's just very bad writing to blur the lines of the universe characters live inside with our own, unless you're writing absurdist comedy, like the very classic and funny Flying High which has the characters look at the camera but for comedic effect. So, if you, the author, want to tell us this will be a seven-part story, tell us before the story begins (or, better yet, tell us using a literary device like "Part 1 of 7". And if you want to explain the prison riot, and your story is in first-person, then your first person is the ONLY voice that ought to be describing the prison riot and the scene on the street, etc...
Don't fret. Staff is not lambasting you. Staff is just making sure that you, and everyone else, understands this very fundemental rule to writing.
Secondly, nuh-uh, not North HH nor NHH. Spell out the whole name. M.O.B. is fine because (a) you've put the periods in, and (b) they're more commonly known as the M.O.B. than whatever those letters stand for.
You don't put the ball threw the hoop, you put it through the hoop. You've misused "threw" a couple o times.
I think your line "I jacked his Voodoo too, luckily for me the was about 12 birds of marijuana in the trunk." could have been soooo better done. It's too dismissive. Blase. Too, "Oh yeah, and I won a million bucks." Someone who scores whatever "12 birds" of mary jane is, is going to tell us in three or four sentences, aren't they? They're gonna build-up the story, telling us they jacked his ride, and then, when they got it home, popped the trunk just to be sure there was no body in there, and, f**k me, there's a million bucks in the trunk! WOOHOO! etc etc... Wouldn't they?
'Cuz remember, when you're doing first-person stories, it's all about YOUR character telling SOMEBODY. Think of it like they're in the yard telling their life-story to a bunch o' rookies. THAT is what first-person is all about. They're telling someone and we're listening in. So, they're not gonna say: "How do you know man? You was locked like me, in fact a bit longer than I was." I said. Trying to call his bluff. They'd say: I just looked at him. O-dawg had to be full o' sh*t. How would he know this? So I challenged him, called his bluff. "How do you know man? You was locked like me. In fact, a bit longer than I was." Do you read how the second is more like someone was telling you second-hand what they said to someone else?
Likewise, I doubt he's gonna describe himself as wiping tears from my face and sniveling, 'cuz crying aint gangsta. More likely he'll mention in passing that he "shed a tear" for his M.O.B. brother.
Grammatically, a new paragraph for every line of dialogue, please. Lumping it all into a single giant blob of dialogue is bad, bad form.
I'll emphasise that paragraphs should also always have an empty line below them, but no one listens.
(Schiessen. I've blown my time-budget on your story.)
Certainly there's a few issues, but overall the story has potential, is a good length, interesting and isn't bad at all, particularly the scene finding his brother.
Irish Mob | Steinway Beer Garden | Chapter 1 (Story #8) A New Friend and New Enemy
$29 + $1,144 = $1,173
Drug buy gone wrong. Yeah, I like this new storyline, already. Much better writing, I have to say. Compared to your earliest work, you've improved greatly. Still some issues though, minor and major.
You don't need to tell us again that beer which he dedicated to JD and Mac, 'cuz he'd just told us himself with his own words. No biggie.
Once again, it's not "The only change I’ll give you is a fist in the face." Replied Kev, nor "Hey man, you got any change for me please" asked the tramp, but "The only change I’ll give you is a fist in the face," replied Kev. Comma at the end of the quote (or question or exclamation marks) and the "said"/"asked"/etc is not capitalised.
Grammar-wise: the above; missing full-stop/periods and capitalisation in some breaks in a sentence; missing commas. You didn't spell-check, neither: knifes is knives. You don't use Word to write this? There's Word's funny quote marks in your story. Spell and grammar check would help you a lot.
The phrase drug dealing group is very clinical, like something you or I or the FIB would use. Would He’s the boss o' some growers be more mobster? Just thinking.
Likewise, mobsters do not call themselves mobsters. They consider themselves -- insomuch as the autobiographies etc say -- as businessmen who just happen to deal in a different kind of business. So, Rosato's sentence "Yes, are you the two Irish Mobsters?" sounds so unlikely. Better he said: "Yeah. You two Packie's boys?", in staff's humble opinion.
Regardless, writing has definitely improved and an interesting story.
Irish Mob | Steinway Beer Garden | Chapter 2 (Story #9) A New Friend and New Enemy
$28 + $1,173 = $1,201
Revenge on the dealers. Solid story.
Once again, it's not "I'm only saying that I'm getting bored." Said Allen, but "I'm only saying that I’m getting bored," said Allen. Comma at the end of the quote (or question or exclamation marks) and the "said"/"asked"/etc is not capitalised.
Big Mitch Baker
Angels of Death | AoD Clubhouse | Chapter 9 Follow the Leader
$47 + $1,082 - $450 (assault rifle) - $250 (sawn-off) = $429
Another very solid performance. While Staff won't say the dialogue held the same gripping effect as the Malvado/Joe-Jon argument, it was slick and solid. "Lights of blue and red" shows that you're using the language effectively, although describing their colours flashing on the walls in the room, or somesuch, might have been better. With this, there's just some grammar to be careful with, and then it's all about the flourishes; using adjectives and language and ideas more creatively. Like describing Gwen's move to block Malvado's gun firing at her husband.
Grammar-wise: apostrophe on "Gwen's house"; still having issues with commas that come before, not after, the final quote in dialogue;
You don't need to mention the rain a second time in the same (opening) paragraph, 'cuz we already knew it was raining. Just telling us he was getting soaked would have been enough.
When Malvado departed, you could have mentioned the fact that the cops came running out behind him, maybe that he passed a couple of cruisers on distant, parallel streets. Afterall, the thumping roar of his Zombie starting up to a couple of cops who've just walked over a door on Gwen's hallway floor might think the bike starting had something to do with the biker they'd been called to rescue Gwen from. Just thinkin'.
Staff also appreciates the cartoon depictions of your main characters.
Gang vehicle unlocked: Zombie.
|QUOTE (Vercetti27 @ Dec 4 2009, 13:29)|
|I've been really busy recently, but I should have my next chapter out soon.|
|QUOTE (.2D @ Dec 4 2009, 22:22)|
|Same here, ill try and get that rewrite done this weekend.|
Staff appreciates the heads-up, guys, but it's not necessary when it's been less than a couple of weeks. Don't worry. Per the New Rules of Skramz , you'll receive a PM before you're erased.
|QUOTE (Rucke @ Dec 3 2009, 18:29)|
|Hey guys, nice to see that BUYG is still rolling. Now when The Ballad of Gay Tony is released I'll have more time to write and rate stories.|
Not quite sure how having a new game come out means you get more time to write-n-rate, but when you get to it, could I wave the following two under your nose? Whenever.
Pegorino Family | Recycling Plant | Story #10
$rating still pending
What the cheesits is wrong with the formatting?! Apparently font-sizing has been switched off for new posts to save on server load.
Pegorino Family | Recycling Plant | Story #11
$rating still pending
What the cheesits is wrong with the formatting?! Apparently font-sizing has been switched off for new posts to save on server load.
North Holland Hustlers | Playboy X's Loft | Chapter 4 Foe Tha Love of $
$rating still pending
Sorry, you were 83 minutes too late. (It runs the risk of being rated twice if it's rated before it appears.) It'll get into the next set of ratings.
Sorry, late with this. My bad.
Irish Mob | Steinway Beer Garden
$100 (5th story) + $1,201 = $1,301
Pegorino Family | Pegorino Mansion
$100 (5th story) + $3,495 = $3,595
~ Aragond stepping in for Skramz who's off having colon surgery.
If I hear even one of you congratulate him on his successful surgery when he returns, then retire from the internet, right now. I mean it. Just pack-up the modem and leave. I shouldn't have to explain why.
With this rating, I equal Rucke's record for the second-most reviews in a row; six back in late March. Though, I beat him on number-of-stories with 26 over his 23. (To be fair, his six were within six days. That's something I have no desire to beat.)
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