I'm stealing Colt's format to disguise the fact that it's not Colt.
As it's my first ratings, a quick lesson for all in grammar:
- "Frankies going to the bathroom" should be "Frankie's going..." because "Frankies" is short for "Frankie is"
- Same for the word don't NOT dont because it's short for "Do not", the apostrophe present for the missing letters.
- Which brings me to the second-most misunderstood piece of grammar in the english language: it's and its and it's friends that's et al. It's short for It is, while Its is when something belongs to "it", and is the only time you're dropping the apostrophe when, normally, you ought to have it.
- Which brings me to the most misunderstood piece of grammar in the english language: your is when it belongs to you, and you're is short for youare as in you are going to the shops becomes "You're going to the shops?".
- You don't need an apostrophe for an entirely missing word ("what" in this case) in "'The f*ck is that?"
- Please, please remember that if a different person is talking, they get their own, brand-spanking-new paragraph. There's rare and specific exceptions, but as a rule let's follow this one.
- Take care with quoting ppl: "I'm going out," he said. The "he" should not be capitalised, and there is a comma, not a full-stop, at the end of the quote (just before the other ") The non-capitalising of "he" even applies when the comma is a question mark or exclamation, as in: "You going out?" he asked.
- And on that, remember that the commas, exclamation and question marks go inside the quotes of the person speaking if the person is speaking them. If, on the other hand, someone is quoting someone else, it goes a little something like this: "What do you mean by 'it's broken'?" he demanded.
- Remember, when you speak, sometimes a sentence has pauses in it, and those pauses are commas, as in: "Yeah, well, f*ck you," he shouted. "Yeah" and "well" are separate sub-parts to the sentence "he" is saying, so they deserve commas after them.
- ok is not a word. Don't use it. The correct word is okay or MAYBE O.K.
- If you're having a phone conversation, it's normal to break up each piece on a separate paragraph to emphasise the gaps when the other person is talking.
- Full-stops ("periods" to some of you) are ALWAYS followed by a space. (Except when they end a paragraph, of course.)
- Three full-stops in a row "..." can be used in dialogue, sure. DON'T use it in your narrative. There's no pauses in a narrative unless you DESCRIBE there to be. Using "..." is lazy.
- A paragraph should just be followed by either none or one blank line (preferrably one) consistently, and instead use your story-telling to make sure readers know the scene has changed or we've gone across town. Paragraphs shouldn't be used as literary devices (to, like, divide up your story), they should be plain and therefore easy to read.
- Try to avoid using bracketed text, and certainly not in the middle of someone speaking. It's just rude to interrupt them. Instead, break your speaker like this: "And when the truck arrives," Joe said, turning to Frankie, "you'll greet the driver."
- Unless you're writing in the first person, I'd not use first person-isms like "But oh no, it's not over..." like the narrator is getting chummy with me. OTOH, you can have your character think it: But, oh, no, couldn't be THAT easy, he thought to himself.
- And one just for you, .2D: "Well I'll see what they want, if I think they're getting too close i'll kill 'em both." Sonny replied. should either be "Well, I'll see what they want. If I think they're getting too close I'll kill 'em both," Sonny replied. OR "Well, I'll see what they want, and if I think they're getting too close I'll kill 'em both," Sonny replied.
Remember always, friends, grammar is
your friend in writing stories, and anything that makes it easier for a reader is always the best.
~ Grammar Nerd
Okay, to ratings, to ratings..2DAngels of Death | Hi-Way Auto-Shop | Seventh (?!) story$33
Didn't seem to me your best work, .2D. Nothing really happened for most of the story: a conversation with drunk Billy here, with the FIB there, and then we go'n' miss all the action with the Triads. For what went on, it could have been a lot more compact.
I mean, don't get me wrong, "nothing happens" stories are good, too, but they've still gotta be as "action"-packed with "action" that is learning things about the gang, the people or what's behind the scenes. Follow me?
And watch your grammar, a fair few mistakes.
Oh, plus, this appears to actually be your SIXTH story, not your seventh since the last one was #5?!?! I'll check that out.TarnellPetrovic Bratva | 69th Street Diner | First story$37
Aragond pretty-much reviewed this to death, so I won't labour it. Remember to break-up long paragraphs because it makes it easier to read. An easy break on the first paragraph might have been at the sailor shouting at Vlad to get inside or at a point where the action changes, like when the ship cracked open and water rushed in. And though it's short, and needs attention paid to grammar (yes, I understand, three years), I like this as an opening effort. I look forward to more.Big Mitch BakerAngels of Death | AoD Clubhouse | Chapter Seven$43
Aragond pretty-much reviewed this to death, so I won't labour it. This is a very good effort: clear, exciting, well-structured; but I can't help feeling there's better you
could have done with this; reinforced by your own admission, I guess.
The dialogue could have been more concise, some paragraphs might be better broken-up a little. But, hey, story gripping, basics (spelling, grammar) good ... apparently you on a bad day is still something to aspire to.
And, I need to research the penalties previously imposed for using a weapon illegally
before I impose sentence.
(Or, the next staff can impose it.) So, penalty pending
.Vercetti27Pegorino Family | Pegorino Mansion | Chapter One$39
Excellent opening! I can't emphasise enough how important that is for grabbing people to keep reading. Well done.
You've got a good handle on expression, pretty solid grammar and spelling (watch your punctuation; see (viii) above), an exciting way to start your stories off, and a short, punchy story that introduces Louie as a bad-ass as well as sets up that the Pegs and Ancels are probably at war.
If I do have a critique, it's the realism factor. Five cars, I'm guessing ten guys (I counted six) Louie killed without so much as a scratch. He gets cars to explode just from driving through his molotov's flames, and seems to have a suit jacket much like Niko's magic jacket that can carry a boot
-full of weaponry and ammo'. (He "remembered" that he had a whiskey bottle-sized molotov in his jacket?! You could have just said he carried it with him from the car.)
If you're going for parody of IV's unrealism, then make sure we are in on the joke. Otherwise, just keep realism in mind. It's not a BUYG penalty thing, I'm not bothered, but unrealism tends to mean you lose readers' interest.Pegorino Family | Pegorino Mansion | Chapter Two$37
Okay, a set-up story for something exciting in chapter three. A few punctuation problems came through in this one, so keep vigilent, and try not to use line-spacing to dart from one person to another.
I like your emerging characters, and it's building tension well.
(PS; If Jimmy is the same Jimmy from GTA IV, maybe give us hints about when this story is set, 'cuz it feels like it's a decade or more before GTA IV. Eg; with Ray as a mere informant, not a capo. Which is perfectly okay, but drop us hints so we can play, too. Unless it's important for us not to know yet? Hey, up to you.)AragondPegorino Family | Recycling Plant | Story #10$--
What the cheesits is wrong with the formatting?! Actually, I'm told I'm not allowed to rate this, so can someone do the honours? Personally, I thought it was pure genius. Or total tosh. I'm ambivalent. Rating pendingThe VirusThe Lost | Marty's Bikershop | Chapter 1$27
A new beginning with a punchy opening act always helps draw readers in. Good work.
Things to watch out for: grammar around quotes, and feel free to break up your chunkier paragraphs. (Just easier to read.)
It was also a little short, at only ~500 words, though, which could have been avoided. You certainly could have given us more about Danny, maybe about why the bike was stolen. But, I respect conciseness, so if that's all the story there was, brevity wins.The Lost | Marty's Bikershop | Chapter 2$32
Firstly, don't post stories within 24-hours of eachother. It's a BUYG no-no. Hold it, wait, and post the next day. (It's just if we had everybody post once a day, we'd already have thirty posts. Twice a day... you get the picture.)
Secondly, no, the rules do state (at least they bloody should) that you cannot buy new weapons for your gang until you've written five stories for that gang. It's just a courtesy thing to stop new gang members blowing another member's hard-earned money. So, I'm going to NOT buy those weapons for you, but since you didn't know, I'll ignore the fact you used them in this story. If you want them in future stories, you'll have to con one of the other Lost to buy them for you.
I liked the story, though it was, again, a little short. And you could easily have expanded on the whole chase. Sure, no one likes a long, boring, detail-burdened chase scene, but each one of your sentences had a lot of action wrapped in it that might have been expanded on.
Still, I thought this was good work.
PS; I yelled with anger in my voice
. What else would you be yelling in, other than your voice? I yelled in anger.
is fine, and, for bonus points: I screamed in rage.
PPS; Just a small thing: reading centred text is harder for readers, 'cuz you can't just follow the next line back to the far-left of the page, but have to go searching for where the next line begins. If you're gonna use it, think about putting extra blank lines between paragraphs so it's easier for us to see where the left edge of the last line of the paragraph is. Follow me?bhlegendIrish Mob | Steinway Beer Garden | Chapter 3$23
I think it fair to say an improvement on your previous efforts, which is good. Still a lot of punctuation and spacing issues to nail down.
Your story seemed to bounce about and do a lot, but I'm not sure I really grasped what the point of it all was aside from an odyssey for their escape.
A cop car is blown on its roof and there isn't an APB to find the culprits? You could have expanded on that.
Illegal use of a hand grenade: penalty pending
.~ Aragond, on behalf of Skramz who's being examined ... thoroughly ... for diseases, I'm sure.
This took 16,000 hours to do.