Quantcast

Jump to content

» «
Photo

BUYG: Build Up Your Gang IV

2,323 replies to this topic
tarnell
  • tarnell

    Li'l G Loc

  • Members
  • Joined: 22 Jul 2009

#1441

Posted 20 October 2009 - 07:14 PM

Another epic story inlove.gif I really enjoyed reading it, keep them coming smile.gif

Slingaa
  • Slingaa

    Unbowed, unbent, unbroken.

  • Members
  • Joined: 19 Sep 2009

#1442

Posted 20 October 2009 - 07:26 PM

You've got a fan club coming along Mitch xD

I need the drugs to write a new story. Gutted.

tarnell
  • tarnell

    Li'l G Loc

  • Members
  • Joined: 22 Jul 2009

#1443

Posted 20 October 2009 - 07:34 PM

Lol Im his number 1 fun! wink.gif wow.gif

aragond
  • aragond

    We are the Aragond. We will bury you.

  • Members
  • Joined: 26 Aug 2007
  • None

#1444

Posted 21 October 2009 - 03:22 AM Edited by aragond, 30 October 2009 - 01:35 PM.

Review previous scene
user posted image
(Story #8)

Episode Two, "Metastasis", Part One

"Weasel News!"
"All the news you need to know"

"Good evening. I'm Jan Forget, and this is your Weasel News update.

"Alderney is under attack from a plague of fire-breathing mice.

"That's the conclusion from Professor Daweed Sarmokah, speaking from the lawns of Algonquin's Liberty University, describing the rash of fires across Alderney.

"But others have different theories. Our reporter, Lee Boswell reports from Alderney City."

The car cornered quickly as a male reporter, speaking very slowly, deliberately enunciated each word on the radio. "State Officials in Alderney City have threatened to rename the state 'The bonfire state' in light of a wild spate of arsons that threaten the very foundations of 'The Bypass State'.

"Locals are terrified."

"Yeah. When the pawn broker's was burnin', me and mah crew got some wieners and had ourselves a barbeque!"

"I watched when that apartment building was burnin'," a young woman said, "and them people wuz all like on the balcony. I was all like 'Oh no, the roof's on fire' and they wuz all like 'We don't need no water. Let the muthaf*cka burn.'

"I don't know why they said that," the young woman contemplated. "I think they all burned 'n' sh!t."

The reporter returned. "It's been one week since the Bear Street fire began this vicious series of what police investigators have declared arson attacks in a wider mob war in Alderney over territory.

"However, Police Command have denied this theory and insist it is really terrorists, afterall, and will require federal funding assistance.

"Meanwhile, Alderney's Congressmen have come up with bold new solutions."

Apparently recorded at a press conference, a fifth voice of the news bulletin echoed slightly. "It is a twisted new form of terrorism that this state must combat with the latest technology, weapons and freeways.

"The President needs to provide additional funds from the economic stimulus so that we can build the new $35 billion Freedom Go'way, a route that will fully encompass the Plumber's Skyway and bury it underground, because it is abundantly clear the terrorists are somehow finding ways off the Skyway instead of continuing on to Virginia."

"This is Lee Boswell reporting from Alderney City."

"Weasel News. Reporting the Right news," the promotional voice boomed deeply.

"Meanwhile," Jan Forget said, "police still have no leads on the mysterious disappearance of local plumber and alleged mobster, Louis Franchetti."

"Turn it off, Al."

As the radio clicked off, the car pulled up gently to the curb outside Kong's, the King of Electronics store. Inside the store, a thin, wiry chinese man scrambled from behind the counter of his electronics store and grabbed the most threatening object he could find before running out his door onto the pavement to block the entrance to Big Lou.

"No! No! You go now! You go away! You are not welcome here anymore!" Wildly gesticulating, Mr Leung, sometimes known as Mr Kong, waved the stapler threateningly in Big Lou's face. "You are bad men. You said you would keep neighbourhood safe.

"Look! Look!" he shouted, pointing to the burned-out store across the street. "You have done nothing! You are bad men!"

"Who did that?"

"That my cousin's business. Furniture from China. All ruined! All ruined! Now, I must support three families," Leung shouted waving three fingers in Lou's face angrily. "Three, with this store!"

"Mr Leung, who did that?"

"We pay them now. You are fired! You do nothing for this neighbourhood, and now my cousin is ruined. Because of YOU!" he spat.

Noting that Leung was creating a scene, Big Lou began gently pushing the much smaller man inside saying, "Let's discuss this in your office." Despite his protestations, Mr Leung complied, allowing himself to be guided to the back storeroom where a small desk served as the store's administration centre.

Once he'd gotten Leung there, Big Lou's demeanour changed. "Now you listen to me," he spat, his finger waving threateningly in Leung's face, "you are bound to us. You were bound to Little Tony before last month, and now you are bound to me.

"This is my neighbourhood now, and you WILL pay me," Lou said quietly but threateningly. "Don't you dare consider holding out on me."

Leung's son arrived before his father could make the fatal mistake of refusing a second time. John Leung ran to his father's side, pledging to pay. "Just leave my father alone! We're struggling to pay any of our bills now because of them."

"Who? Who burned down the furniture store?"

"Six of them," Johnny said urgently, almost cradling his put-upon father. "They came around here and told us this was their territory now. Told us to pay them now, and if we didn't, they'd burn down our stores. My uncle told them to go to hell, so they fire-bombed his store. My cousin has burns all down her legs."

"Yes, but who, Johnny?"

"Those guys in the suits," he said. And without missing a beat, he pointed behind Lou and Al, "Them!"

"Are we interrupting something here, Big Lou?"

Lou and Al knew even before they'd started turning around. "Joey Campagna," Lou spat. Al's fist tensed, and Lou made himself aware of precisely where his gun was in his belt.

Campagna's lackey held the plastic curtain to one side as the dapper Pavano mobster stepped inside, followed by two more of his boys. "Pleased to see you, too, Big Lou. How's... ah, tricks?"

Campagna was the consummate stereotype, a dashing man from a decade long since passed, in his pin-striped dark suit, jacket hanging off the shoulders, white carnation in the pocket, he never bothered to pretend he was anything other than a mobster. He relished the fear of the man in the street. He never bothered to hear their snickering.

"Joey, you appear to have slipped into the wrong neighbourhood," Lou retorted.

"The wrong decade," Al quipped with a sly grin.

Joey looked directly at Al, paused, then quietly said with a nod, "Funny," before turning to Lou to add, "Who's the smart-ass dicing with death?"

Undistracted, Lou again demanded, "What are you doing here, Joey?"

"Thought I would get myself one of those Blu-ray players, Lou. My Charlie talks about them all the time, 1920 pixels this, and 1080p that."

Lou grabbed a box from the nearest pile. "Here. Now, you can go," he said, handing the box to the nearest of Joey's lackeys. Leung raised a hand to protest, but his son grabbed it.

"Ah, now just a minute, Lou, how do I know this has the best quality player?" Joey said playfully, looking the box over. "Does it even have Dolby digital?"

Lou's patience was thinning. "Besides, Lou, you've got too much for one man to handle.

"You need to relax more. Little Tony was a hard-working man," Joey said, the tension in the room steadily rising, "but now, courtesy some Russians, he's worm-food. You don't want to wind up the same way, Lou.

"Stress is the number one killer in America," Joey continued, waving a warning finger. "Just let it go. You've got enough. Be happy with what you have."

Big Lou's body was tensed. "This is Pegorino turf, Joey. Everyone knows it."

"Lou, Lou, Lou," Joey said bearing a wide smile and his arms outstretched, "I'm doing you all a favour. Just walk away, my friend, and I'll take over keeping the poor widow Pegorino in diamonds.

"It'll be my honour," Joey added as an afterthought. "Don't turn this into more than it needs to be."

"Joey, I've always respected you," Lou added as a final thought. "I've stayed out of the way of your rising star. Yet, you insult me? You pour scorn on my reputation?"

"Scratch the thought, Lou! I don't intend to insult your good name. This is a gentlemen's agreement between respectable men," Joey insisted. "But, Lou, listen to me. And listen good.

"I am serious when I say that what belonged to Little Tony, now belongs to me."

Al's blood ran cold. That was the signal. That was the sign. They were the words both men had been waiting for, hoping they wouldn't, but fearing they would. Al's fingers tensed, ready to draw the moment any one of them did, or as soon as Lou did.

"Get out!" Lou grimaced a whisper, his teeth bared. "Get the f*ck outa here, Joey."

Joey stepped back in retreat. "Have it your way, Lou." He backed away from Lou, his boys following, until they all disappeared behind the opaque plastic drapes, and a man in a blue suit firmly holding a machine pistol stepped in their place.

Lou gasped a "f*ck!" as he dived backward, but the unexpected kick-back of the pistol sent all-but two of the bullets into the ceiling, splintering wood, slicing electrical cables and shattering light globes. But, those two bullets made their mark. One caught Leung the senior in the left arm, prompting howls of bitterly angry pain. The second clipped Al in his left shoulder, tearing through the material of his jacket, and singeing his flesh.

It didn't stop him. As Lou's mighty form sailed defensively toward the ground, Al's pistol was rapidly drawn from behind him and within view as the bullet seared his shoulder hair. He didn't flinch, he didn't drop the gun. He pointed aimlessly and just fired.

As the gunman's finger momentarily withdrew from the trigger to regain control of the gun peppering the ceiling, he gripped it more tightly and directed its aim at the man with the silver pistol.

He squeezed on the trigger again, just as Al's bullet sailed past the nose of his gun. The Bullet tore into his chest, a small shower of blood and flesh erupting from the hole it left as though a miniature volcano had announced itself, and the gunman's grip on the gun was lost. Bullets tore worthlessly through the neat pile of Blu-ray players as the gunman spiraled leftward and backward into the curtains and the ground.

Al reflexively pulled the trigger twice more, but needn't have bothered. Realising they'd survived, Al grabbed Big Lou from the ground, and the men ran for the back exit as three of Joey's boys burst through the plastic curtain to find out why their man was firing into the shopfront.

Al fired back at them as Lou burst through the back door, and all three men aimed and returned fire. Bullets skipped off the steel door as it began slamming shut, as Al and Lou ran into the alleyway behind the store.

As Joey's three burst through the same steel door, Al and Lou, still running, pointed their arms behind them and fired wildly. Bullets splintered concrete, showering one of the three who screamed for fear he'd been shot. The three men fired back.

Realising they couldn't run and aim, Lou and Al took cover behind respective concrete pillars of the buildings around the alley, and began firing at the three, who, in turn, also took cover.

Guns fired, muzzles flashed, bullets ricocheted, concrete splintered as the five men slowly emptied their chambers, then reloaded and started over again. Echoing off the walls of the wide alley, the noise was deafening. And shouting above the cacophony, men screamed and yelled to eachother, one screaming he'd been hit, before falling, holding his calf, behind the pillar.

An errant bullet struck a metal door behind Al, causing it to wave open from the momentum. Realising there was an escape, he signalled Lou, and the pair slowly retreated from pillar to pillar, wall to wall, still firing wildly, for the door. They ran through the emptied beauty parlour and bolted down the street always looking behind them.

When two of the three emerged from the same store, they didn't bother to give chase in a public street. Lou and Al turned the corner, before Big Lou collapsed into a pile of garbage that tripped him, unable to do more than breath deeply, exhausted from the uncharacteristic burst of vigorous exercise.

"Al," he gasped. "I gotta get fit."

His finger still on the trigger of the gun in his jacket, and peering around the street corner, Al let out a little smile. "Really, Lou? I thought you did just fine."

I am genuinely interested in feedback. If you'd prefer not to clog the thread, feel free to PM instead.

THEY'S BACK, BABY!!
And for my inaugural purchase, the Pegorinos would like to pay $400 for the Combat Shotguns , please.

This story received $49 and staff wrote: "Great chapter there, and as usual, not much room for feedback," plus some quiet concern about the colouring of my story text.

View next scene

Build Up Your Gang
  • Build Up Your Gang

    Join BUYG Today!

  • Members
  • Joined: 24 Mar 2008

#1445

Posted 21 October 2009 - 10:19 AM

Phew. Okay, here we go.



Benjimino234 - $39
Very well written, and a nice manageable sized piece to read. You haven't fallen into the "second chapter blues" and written something redundant for the sake of getting into the meat and it shows. There are sentences and parts that confuse me, either it's grammar throwing me off or tense switching, but it's not an issue so much. Just concentrate and be sure to check your work in Word or a similar office program.

Slingaa - $42
Again, a nice lengthy piece which is always good to see in BUYG. Getting the balance right is tricky but you've done it well here. Some good use of short sentences to break down the more lengthy ones, it's good, doesn't make us feel like we're drowning in words and that you're trying to over-complicate things. You're not, keep at it. Found the ending quite weak, though that may just be me, I'm not a fan of the whole "let's get some beers angle", but don't worry about it.

Big_Mitch_Baker

(Chapter 3 - $35)
A very wordy piece this one. While speech is important, remember you could quite easily use action as a talking point. Does Malvado have a plan? Maybe have him so he's reciting his ideas in the car, on the phone, in a shoot-out, things that add variety and flavour to a chapter. I understand that wouldn't be suitable for this piece, but it's something to bear in mind. A good effort though, keep going, interesting to see what happens here. Also, sorry for not adding you yet, rest assured this total and your totals from before will be added.

(Chapter 4 - $37)
Much better, and what's more, you're getting better with the help of other BUYG users and yourself, which is great. Even your speech seems slicker, and while it's not so much a problem area, it wasn't pointed out earlier and you seem to just be getting better as you go which is what this is all about. Keep it up.

TUBBSthezombie - $36
Great piece, I enjoyed that. Not as lengthy as other chapters here but it doesn't need to be; less is more sometimes. No real criticism to offer so far, you're not deep enough into the story for that I don't think. I look forward to more. As always though, keep a watchful eye on easy-to-miss grammar mistakes that could let you down.

tarnell - $30
A good effort, but you really must watch those grammatical errors and spelling mistakes. I know you can do it, just be sure to check, check, check and check again before posting. I'm not going to say too much, I know you've only just started and it's a good chapter considering, well done.

bhlegend
(Prologue) - $8
Not very good at all if I'm honest. It was far too short, you have a lack of punctuation, your spelling's off, it's riddled with grammatical errors. Never ever ever use "U" instead of "you", can't believe I'm actually saying that, but it's true. Use proper words if you're going to bother.

(Chapter 1) - $12
You get more money for the length, but that's about it as very little has been redeemed or fixed in this. You're writing in present tense here and that can be tricky, so try and tell the story from a different perspective. Also, watch your capitalization; again, I shouldn't have to tell you about it, but use "I spoke to John" rather than "i spoke to john".

Tycek - $31
Nice and lengthy, and overall a decent piece. You do have the occasional minor slip-up in the grammar but it's barely noticeable. It's pretty slick storytelling, and I look forward to what's coming. However, your speech is a tad bland in places. To add excitement and perhaps tension, tell us what your characters are doing when they're talking once in a while. Don't overdo it, but by adding "while scratching his face" or "loading his gun" can add a degree of realism which BUYG really digs.

aragond - $49
Great chapter there, and as usual, not much room for feedback, though I'll try and give some here. While I know you like to receive PMs, there's really not that much to tell you. I will say that while your colouring of the text is interesting, the size aspect isn't something that needs fixing. The shade of blue is lovely quite frankly but the size makes your writing appear bigger than it needs to be. Your pieces already speak volumes so don't let your formatting ruin things for you. It's not a serious gripe as I enjoy reading your pieces but it's just food for thought really.

Also done...
Ounce of heroin purchased for Gambetti Family (by Slingaa)
Big_Mitch_Baker added to The Clubhouse, Angels Of Death
bhlegend added to Steinway Beer Garden, Irish Mob
All totals updated (so far as I know, let me know if something's amiss)


As always, if you've any problems, issues or complaints (perish the thought) PM me or any of the BUYG staff and I'll be happy to help.

~~Masterkraft

Colt M14
  • Colt M14

    BUYGIV: Spanish Lords

  • Members
  • Joined: 28 Feb 2009

#1446

Posted 21 October 2009 - 11:03 AM

Hmm, I wonder when a 3rd front will be added to the Hillside Posse. Could someone think about adding it maybe?

aragond
  • aragond

    We are the Aragond. We will bury you.

  • Members
  • Joined: 26 Aug 2007
  • None

#1447

Posted 21 October 2009 - 01:40 PM Edited by aragond, 21 October 2009 - 02:20 PM.

Just one tiny thing: on behalf of the Pegorinos, I asked to buy the combat shotguns. (I hid it in the orange text at the bottom of my story.)
Thanks, MasterK.

Oh, just a PS; I don't prefer getting feedback via PMs. I don't mind either way. I just want the feedback. But, maybe others'll get bored by my lengthy Q-n-A-ing. I'll admit I'm a little perplexed about the text colour/size comment, but I kinda think it's awesome that it's the only possible point for feedback. smile.gif

QUOTE (Build Up Your Gang @ Oct 21 2009, 20:19)
I will say that while your colouring of the text is interesting, the size aspect isn't something that needs fixing. The shade of blue is lovely quite frankly but the size makes your writing appear bigger than it needs to be. Your pieces already speak volumes so don't let your formatting ruin things for you.

So, the actual size isn't a problem, and the blue is a nice shade, but is that together they make the text appear bigger than it needs to be? And the formatting could be ruining things. confused.gif Kinda not sure what you think might need to be fixed. Is that first "isn't" meant to be an "is"?

If you want to do this offline (to avoid boring everyone else) is fine, but currently I write like this:


Climbing back to his feet, Frank noticed two big-chested men approach them. Wearing a green Irish-themed shirt over a white t-shirt, the first man, speaking with a thick Irish brogue, offered them a pleasant evening. Frank only managed to slur "you!" in recognition before the first heavy punch into his side sent him stumbling over his friend and into the pavement hard.

So, does it look better this way:

Climbing back to his feet, Frank noticed two big-chested men approach them. Wearing a green Irish-themed shirt over a white t-shirt, the first man, speaking with a thick Irish brogue, offered them a pleasant evening. Frank only managed to slur "you!" in recognition before the first heavy punch into his side sent him stumbling over his friend and into the pavement hard.

... which is size 2 not 3, or this:

Climbing back to his feet, Frank noticed two big-chested men approach them. Wearing a green Irish-themed shirt over a white t-shirt, the first man, speaking with a thick Irish brogue, offered them a pleasant evening. Frank only managed to slur "you!" in recognition before the first heavy punch into his side sent him stumbling over his friend and into the pavement hard.

... which is size 1 not 3, or this:

Climbing back to his feet, Frank noticed two big-chested men approach them. Wearing a green Irish-themed shirt over a white t-shirt, the first man, speaking with a thick Irish brogue, offered them a pleasant evening. Frank only managed to slur "you!" in recognition before the first heavy punch into his side sent him stumbling over his friend and into the pavement hard.

or perhaps even this?!

Climbing back to his feet, Frank noticed two big-chested men approach them. Wearing a green Irish-themed shirt over a white t-shirt, the first man, speaking with a thick Irish brogue, offered them a pleasant evening. Frank only managed to slur "you!" in recognition before the first heavy punch into his side sent him stumbling over his friend and into the pavement hard.

(I'm trying all these out live for myself, too, you understand) I'm a terrible judge of font-size since I'm using a 17" 1920 x 1200 laptop screen, making an "o" in my chosen font-size a mere 1.5mm tall, but much taller than the default site font for me.
But, I am all ears (or eyes as the case may be).

BTW, not everyone will see that font the same way, it might be necessary to know, since I'm using three options in the font statement, depending on what fonts you have loaded. And, yeah, the word "big-chested" should have probably been "barrel-chested". wink.gif

tarnell
  • tarnell

    Li'l G Loc

  • Members
  • Joined: 22 Jul 2009

#1448

Posted 21 October 2009 - 03:03 PM

err yeah one thing, can you please add me to Marties shop, The Lost and add 1 story for me with the lost. Thanks smile.gif

Big_Mitch_Baker
  • Big_Mitch_Baker

    == Angels of Death - Founder

  • Angels of Death MC
  • Joined: 23 Feb 2005
  • None

#1449

Posted 21 October 2009 - 03:09 PM Edited by Big_Mitch_Baker, 21 October 2009 - 03:12 PM.

@BUYG: Thanks for the good review biggrin.gif
And thanks for givin' me a home, Clubhouse was an awesome choice...

Oh yeah, and I'd like to buy Pipebombs for the Angels of Death if that's alright

@tarnell: Thanks man, good to know somebody reads these (and likes 'em) icon14.gif

@aragond: lol, so much for not clogging the thread tounge.gif
You're story was good, I thought starting off with a news report was rather clever cool.gif

Slingaa
  • Slingaa

    Unbowed, unbent, unbroken.

  • Members
  • Joined: 19 Sep 2009

#1450

Posted 21 October 2009 - 04:06 PM

Nice ratings, Masterkraft. $42! icon14.gif Getting started on my next story soon.

tubbs51
  • tubbs51

    Superbowl 48 Champs! GO SEAHAWKS!!

  • Angels of Death MC
  • Joined: 28 Aug 2009
  • None

#1451

Posted 21 October 2009 - 07:07 PM

@BUYG staff: thanks for the review, ive actually started to use Word now instead of just writing and posting simutaniously.

@BMB: every one loves your storys mitch lol makes sense for you to write for the AoD and be stationed at the clubhouse smile.gif

Colt M14
  • Colt M14

    BUYGIV: Spanish Lords

  • Members
  • Joined: 28 Feb 2009

#1452

Posted 21 October 2009 - 08:54 PM

QUOTE (tarnell @ Oct 22 2009, 02:03)
err yeah one thing, can you please add me to Marties shop, The Lost and add 1 story for me with the lost. Thanks smile.gif

You. Need. To. Write. 5. Stories. Before. Changing. Gangs.

Osric
  • Osric

    In The Name Of The Moon

  • Members
  • Joined: 12 Apr 2009

#1453

Posted 21 October 2009 - 11:30 PM

Add me to the Triads at Chinatown Arcade. I'm back, hopefully to stay.

Benjimino234
  • Benjimino234

    ♤ ♡ ♢ ♧

  • Members
  • Joined: 03 Dec 2006

#1454

Posted 22 October 2009 - 06:08 AM

@aragod I prefer the second one from the top (the text size). Just a smidge smaller would be good, well that's my opinion.

.2D
  • .2D

    I Shed The Blood of Saxon Men

  • Andolini Mafia Family
  • Joined: 25 Jun 2009
  • United-Kingdom

#1455

Posted 22 October 2009 - 03:49 PM

BMB, nice story, have a cookie wow.gif . cookie.gif

I can't find the last story I did at all confused.gif . *Points at aragond* I know you can find it, tell me what page its on please? tounge.gif

Slingaa
  • Slingaa

    Unbowed, unbent, unbroken.

  • Members
  • Joined: 19 Sep 2009

#1456

Posted 22 October 2009 - 03:59 PM

QUOTE (Build Up Your Gang @ Oct 21 2009, 10:19)
Found the ending quite weak, though that may just be me, I'm not a fan of the whole "let's get some beers angle", but don't worry about it.

Okay, I'll change the ending before I start my next story. This is instead of Carl's last sentence.

"So.." breathed Trigger as he clambered out of the truck, "we better get this thing open." Carl grabbed a crowbar from the truck's cabin. He pried into the doors and pulled them apart swiftly. They broke off, and the trio peered inside.
"Oh my God," they simultaneously whispered.

tarnell
  • tarnell

    Li'l G Loc

  • Members
  • Joined: 22 Jul 2009

#1457

Posted 22 October 2009 - 04:43 PM

Hey guys, can I use 'I' instead of the name of my protagonist?

Slingaa
  • Slingaa

    Unbowed, unbent, unbroken.

  • Members
  • Joined: 19 Sep 2009

#1458

Posted 22 October 2009 - 04:53 PM

QUOTE (tarnell @ Oct 22 2009, 16:43)
Hey guys, can I use 'I' instead of the name of my protagonist?

I believe you can, but you'll have to write your stories in first person- or you won't gain much money from you're stories.

tarnell
  • tarnell

    Li'l G Loc

  • Members
  • Joined: 22 Jul 2009

#1459

Posted 22 October 2009 - 05:35 PM

QUOTE (Slingaa @ Oct 22 2009, 16:53)
QUOTE (tarnell @ Oct 22 2009, 16:43)
Hey guys, can I use 'I' instead of the name of my protagonist?

I believe you can, but you'll have to write your stories in first person- or you won't gain much money from you're stories.

ok cool thanks dontgetit.gif and what do you mean by first person?

.2D
  • .2D

    I Shed The Blood of Saxon Men

  • Andolini Mafia Family
  • Joined: 25 Jun 2009
  • United-Kingdom

#1460

Posted 22 October 2009 - 06:20 PM

Like, as in you are the main guy I believe, so you cant use your charecters name and say "I" at the same time sorta thing. Its either you telling to story, or you in the story. Dont know if that makes f*ck all sense. lol tounge.gif ...Lemme try again, like as in CoD games, you are the charecter. where in any other you would be..say spectating the match and narrating it. ph34r.gif

Im not sure if my storys are in the right order anymore, so im gonna find my last story and carry on from there, from jam and butters, so Change the name on there pl0x? biggrin.gif . Bout to write my fifth down on paper. = extra $100 ftw.

tubbs51
  • tubbs51

    Superbowl 48 Champs! GO SEAHAWKS!!

  • Angels of Death MC
  • Joined: 28 Aug 2009
  • None

#1461

Posted 22 October 2009 - 07:49 PM

First person is telling the story from Point of view of the character. i'll try to write out a new story either today or tomorrow.

.2D
  • .2D

    I Shed The Blood of Saxon Men

  • Andolini Mafia Family
  • Joined: 25 Jun 2009
  • United-Kingdom

#1462

Posted 22 October 2009 - 08:04 PM

Angels of Death
Title: Consequences
Part 3, One hundred and eighty!


Vincent slowly pulled up outside the Angels of Death clubhouse in the pouring rain. He parked the van next to a large pile of rubble out of the way, and rushed over to the door. He barged open the door with his shoulder and staggered in clutching his arm. There was nobody in the room apart from one prospect on one of the chairs who had passed out after a drinking game and Billy, the clubs treasurer, who was standing behind the bar talking to his old lady. Billy took one last draw from his cigarette and put it out before walking over to Vincent, he was about to put his arms around him then saw the blood down his face and the wounds all over his body.
"The f*ck happened to you?" He said, looking over Vincents shoulder for Sonny. "And wheres Sonny?" He exclaimed, getting louder this time.
"Those Irish f*cks.." Vincent replied, sitting down and trying to catch his breath. "Get every Hangaround, prospect, Baddass biker, EVERYONE in the vans and over to Steinway beer gardens.."
"Wait! Calm down, What happened and wheres Sonny?" Billy yelled, not sure what to expect.
"Wheres Jim?" Vincent said, ignoring Billy's last sentance.
"Down in the basement with the others, why whats going on!?"
Vincent struggled to his feet and rushed down the stairs into the basement, as soon as he entered he looked around and there much have been half of the chapter down there, the ceiling was invisible through all the smoke. Vincent pulled Jim out of the way and told him everything that happened. Jim was angry for two good reasons, Vincent didn't tell him about their little mission, and the Irish mob had killed one of their members.
"Ok everyone! Outside! In the vans! NOW!" Jim shouted, everyone immeidetly went silent, looking at him. "NOW!" Jim shouted twice as loud, this time everyone in the room rushed up the stairs and outside in the pouring rain. Jim, Vincent and Billy were the last out, Jim signaled for 2 prospects that were hanging around outside to get into a van.
"Billy, stay back here with Vincent, we'll take care of this." He said, slapping Billy on the back and getting into the passenger seat of the van.
"Where to?" Spider, one of the club members who was driving the van asked him.
"Steinway gardens, quickly" Jim replied, and instantly the van skidded up the hill and down the road, the rest of the vans following closely. Pedestrains stood still in the rain watching all the vans covered in Angels of Death grafitti speed down the road. They knew there would be some juicy stuff on Weazel news tonight.

Vincent slammed his beer down on the table, the clubhouse was dead silent apart from Billy rumaging around the fridge for more beer. Then all of a sudden they heard a zombie coming towards the clubhouse, Vincent and Billy looked at eachother, as if to say "no..it cant be...." They rushed through the doors and outside and stopped, staring at the man climbing off of the bike.
"Jesus! Sonny!" Vincent shouted, grabbing him, "sh*t, get inside and have a beer, what happened man?" The three of them walked inside talking about what happened at Hooper.
"I ran upstairs and kicked down on of the bedroom doors, the room was full of flames, and I saw a bloke who was crouched behind a chair pointing his gun at the door, I jumped back and into another room, both of us were firing sh*tloads of round toward eachother, then I saw the roof collapse on top of him, and the whole house started shaking, I looked behind me out of a window, and jumped for it, looked up and saw the whole house go down." Sonny said, lighting a cigarette up as he walked inside the main room of the clubhouse.
"f*cking hell...How did you get back here?" Billy asked, walking over to the bar to get Sonny a drink as he continued to talk about how he got back.
"Well when I came to a bit, I looked around and picked up my pistol, slammed in a fresh clip and stood up, looking at the rubble, then I heard sirens, and i limped out front of what used to be a house, climbed on my bike and started heading back here." Sonny finished, taking the beer from Billy. "So where is everyone Vince?" He asked.
"sh*t!" Vincent shouted, rushing to his feet and pulling out his cell phone and calling Jim. "f*ck it, no answer...Get up, were heading for Steinway."


On the other side of the city, the Angels of Death turned down into the alleyway and stopped in a line, and all of the men there jumped out of the van loading their weapons.
"Lets f*cking do this." Jim said, signaling everyone over to the Pub. The gang lined up along the walls, and Jim popped his head up at the window, and saw a whole bunch of Irish men standing around talking and drinking. "Must be a meeting in there, theres loads!"
"All the better for this bastard." One of the gang said, handing Jim a pipe bomb.
"f*cking lovely." Jim said, smashing a square out of the glass and throwing the explosive through the gap, everyone outside immedietly got their heads down and waited for the explosion.
As soon as the bomb went off, Jason, the clubs Sergeant at arms, kicked the door open and everyone rushed in after him, Everbody in the pub that were still alive were either on their asses or stumbling around in shock. "Get 'em." Jim said, spraying 2 bursts of Micro SMG fire into two men who where crawling to their feet. Immedietly after, everyone else began firing, killing the barman, three others lying around on the floor and two men who were staggering around the bar. Jason looked over towards the dart board and saw the pubs darts champion lying on the floor screaming, holding what was left of his left leg as blood poured out of it. He put a bullet in the mans head and followed Jim through the bar. "Were done here" Jim said, putting a fresh clip into his SMG. "Lets go."


Well...Thats what I have for now not sure how you'll find it, not done this for a while confused.gif .

I'd like to buy the micro SMG for the Angels aswell please? BMB already bought the pipe bombs cool.gif
Can you change me from Jam and Butter to .2D now? Im gonna carry on writing now.
+$100 plox? tounge.gif

iam1
  • iam1

    Player Hater

  • Members
  • Joined: 15 Oct 2009

#1463

Posted 23 October 2009 - 02:39 AM

Sorry I haven't gotten' around to writing my first story yet. I doubt it really matters since you didnt add me anyway but, my computer died the other day. I'm working on my first story now.

iam1
  • iam1

    Player Hater

  • Members
  • Joined: 15 Oct 2009

#1464

Posted 23 October 2009 - 03:19 AM

The first day since yesterday: The intro


Four-O'clock in the morning. Normally I'd be out punding beer, or passed out on Riley's couch. Circumstance is a bitch. By that, I meen the italians just happening to get a tip that me and my brother and a couple of our friends stole five kilo's of coke from their warehouse in Venturas. That's why we're at Francis International getting ready to deboard. By we I meen my older brother Aiden. Alot of people back at home would call us bikers. I prefer opportunists on motorcycles. We we're never in gangs. We just rode bikes. Big deal. So do men with a mid-life crisis and delivery boys. I won't lie. Back home we we're good at stiring sh*t. Me and A' grew up in the Bad Lands. He always told me we'd end up getting chased out of town by a bunch of angry villagers. He was kinda right in a way. Except they help Uzis not pitchforks.

Anyway, we're here now so I'm going to try and make the best out of our situation. Aiden met an asian guy in the pen a couple years back. He told me the guy was going to hook us up with some honest work right here in Liberty. He just didn't tell him what it was. I just hope it's good pay. I need a hellfury real quick if I'm gonna' have any fun in this town. I had to leave mine back in the heat of the moment. Aiden wrecked his about a month back so I'm sure that's the first thing he's going to blow his money on. " I f*ckING HATE FAT PEOPLE!!!"

" Calm down we'll be off the plane soon. Don't get yer panties in a knot." I always have to try and calm him down. To be honest Aiden's f*ckin nuts. By the way, my names Gavin Lynch. Liberty City, here we come.

aragond
  • aragond

    We are the Aragond. We will bury you.

  • Members
  • Joined: 26 Aug 2007
  • None

#1465

Posted 23 October 2009 - 03:24 AM

QUOTE (.2D @ Oct 23 2009, 01:49)
I can't find the last story I did at all confused.gif . *Points at aragond* I know you can find it, tell me what page its on please? tounge.gif

(Who are you again?)

/b/ aragond delivers!!

Did you mean ... this aaaaaaaaall the way back on on page 50!!!

(Page 50? June 8th?? WOAH!)

Benjimino234
  • Benjimino234

    ♤ ♡ ♢ ♧

  • Members
  • Joined: 03 Dec 2006

#1466

Posted 23 October 2009 - 05:51 AM

@tarnell: Writing first-person is not too different from writing from 3rd. In first-person you usually have to write more of your protagonist's feelings and what's he's doing; but without the overuse of, "I". I had this problem in my first BUYG IV story and yeah, it gets repetitive repeating 'I' in front of every sentence. Just some tips, describe the environment or the surroundings of your protagonist so you can put a clear image of what he's doing to the reader and it helps with the flow of the story.

Colt M14
  • Colt M14

    BUYGIV: Spanish Lords

  • Members
  • Joined: 28 Feb 2009

#1467

Posted 23 October 2009 - 06:39 AM

I used to write first person, But I found 3rd person MUCH easier and it looks way better.

tubbs51
  • tubbs51

    Superbowl 48 Champs! GO SEAHAWKS!!

  • Angels of Death MC
  • Joined: 28 Aug 2009
  • None

#1468

Posted 23 October 2009 - 08:27 AM

yeah i agree with colt. i tryed to write in first person with my stories for a different gang and its quite difficult cause you catch yourself using "I" way too much lol.

.2D
  • .2D

    I Shed The Blood of Saxon Men

  • Andolini Mafia Family
  • Joined: 25 Jun 2009
  • United-Kingdom

#1469

Posted 23 October 2009 - 09:24 AM

QUOTE (aragond @ Oct 23 2009, 03:24)
QUOTE (.2D @ Oct 23 2009, 01:49)
I can't find the last story I did at all confused.gif . *Points at aragond* I know you can find it, tell me what page its on please? tounge.gif

(Who are you again?)

/b/ aragond delivers!!

Did you mean ... this aaaaaaaaall the way back on on page 50!!!

(Page 50? June 8th?? WOAH!)

Jam and Butter confused.gif ,
Allllll the way back at page 50 on june the 8th. mercie_blink.gif
Thats me Shifty41s_beerhatsmilie2.gif

Colt M14
  • Colt M14

    BUYGIV: Spanish Lords

  • Members
  • Joined: 28 Feb 2009

#1470

Posted 23 October 2009 - 10:46 AM

QUOTE (TUBBSthezombie @ Oct 23 2009, 19:27)
yeah i agree with colt. i tryed to write in first person with my stories for a different gang and its quite difficult cause you catch yourself using "I" way too much lol.

Yeah it gets tedious
First Person: 'I grab the gun and take the magazine out. I throw it away and load a new one in. I aim the gun and shoot it at the target.

Third Person: 'Johnny grabs the gun and takes the magazine out. He throws it away and loads a new one in. Johnny aims the gun and shoots at the target.'

See? Much better.




1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users