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BUYG: Build Up Your Gang IV

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Skimask101
  • Skimask101

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#91

Posted 28 September 2008 - 07:29 AM

QUOTE (Build Up Your Gang @ Sep 28 2008, 01:18)
@Bill: That was an excellent story for your first BUYG attempt! I'm very impressed, $48. Looking forward for more from you.

Don't worry about Skimask, he was just trying to help you out biggrin.gif

True, that story had lots of description. It is quite well (I'm a little jealous).

WelcomeToLibertyCity
  • WelcomeToLibertyCity

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#92

Posted 28 September 2008 - 12:50 PM Edited by WelcomeToLibertyCity, 28 September 2008 - 06:29 PM.

If anyone besides the BUYG staff want to give me hints to make my story better, please feel free to drop any comments. I'm trying extremely hard to improve. Hopefully you'll notice a huge change in paragraphing in this story.

====================================================

Chapter 5: The Exchange

The next day I decided to take a stroll over to Playboys and discuss what were to happen with the drugs and money. When, I arrived I got a weird feeling, as if I knew something bad was going to happen.
Come on man, open up. I said pounding my fist vigorously against his door. There was no answer, just silence.
Is this a joke? I shouted Open up the door! But there was still no answer. This couldnt be right, Playboy would have texted me if he was not going to be at home. After waiting awhile longer I began to get more and more worried, so I decided to bash down the door. I backed up down the hall and charged at the door with great speed. I smashed into it with great force and the door crashed to the ground with a thud to reveal a dreadful sight. Playboys apartment was trashed, with no sign of him anywhere. Shattered glass, furniture flipped over, wallpaper ripped and thrown all over the floor.


Watching my step so that I didnt get glass driven up through my feet, I tipped toed across the floor to his kitchen counter. A little note written on a piece of torn notepaper laid there with a message wrote on it directed to myself. I picked it up and began to read it under to myself. Dray- I writing you this as I am held at gunpoint. The M.O.B. have found me and want their supplies back. At 7pm tonight they want and exchange at Firefly Island. Do not bring anyone with and come unarmed. Be there and have their stuff. If you choose not to come or not the give them their stuff back, I will be killed. Dray, dont f*ck up. Make the right choice. -PBX I was puzzled. If only I had stayed o0ver with Playboy last night like I was going to, this wouldnt have happened! I smashed my head against his table in anger. Walking over to Playboys closet in a daze, I snatched the bag of money and the bag on drugs and threw them on my shoulder as I slowly walked out of Playboys apartment.


I sat in the darkness of my apartment all day, just thinking. This whole idea worried the sh*t out of me. At 6:30pm I left my apartment in a taxi for Firefly Island. When I arrived I noticed M.O.B. men heavily armed scattered across the beach. Nervously I exited my taxi with the two bags held in my hands. Slowly I walked over to the edge of the beach as the wind blew against my dazed face. Chatter amongst the M.O.B. crew stopped and they stood there, staring at me blankly all with dirty looks on their faces. Two tall men walked over to me, held guns to my head and told me to drop everything I had. Te bags landed on the ground with a thud as they began to search me. When they finished, they ushered me over to a spot on the beach with four men all bearing M4s tucked under their arms in a neat row. One of the men I clearly recognized as the M.O.B. gang lord. In the middle of the men was a beat up Playboy, on his knees, mouth tapped shut, arms chuffed, with a gun held tightly to his head and bruised all over.


Hello Dray,spoke the gang lord in a dark voice with a grin across his face, Weve been waiting for this day more then you have been dreading it. But you knew that was going to happen didnt you? That youd f*ck up and lose it all. Now listen closely and youll be leaving here without your boyfriend being hurt. He smirked as he gave Playboy a kick in the pelvis. I bit my lip, for thats all I could do without me and Playboys brains ending up scattered across the beach. I want you to drop those drugs right there, he explained extending a finger towards the middle of us, When you do that, this nice man next to me will collect them and bring to me, then Playboy here will be all yours. Understand?
How do I know you wont screw me over? I snapped back at him in anger.
Well lets put it this way, you can refuse and your friend will be dead, or you can trust me. I decided not to gamble our lives and disobey. I tossed the drugs to the ground between the two of us and one of the men walked over snatched it and passed it to the gang lord as he pushed Playboy face down in the sand in the sand next me.


I helped Playboy to his feet as and we wasted no time getting the hell out of there. As we ran off I heard the gang lords voice getting softer and softer in the distance, If you ever f*ck with us again youll be six feet under! It echoed..
Playboy are you ok man? I asked him tearing the duck tape off his mouth.
Yeah, I guess. A few bruises, but thats better then a bullet through the head. He laughed.
So what do we do now? Were broke. I panicked as I hailed a taxi to the side of the road.
We start at the bottom again I guess. Work our way slowy back up untill we can ambush those dirty M.O.B. b*tches. Youre still doing work of that Andy character right? You do work for him, and he can get us enough money and connections across this whole damn city. he explicated as we got into the back of the taxi.
Yes I am, Im sure he can help us get back on our feet enough that we can get back at the M.O.B. for all this f*cking sh*t they have caused us. I said in anger.
F*ck Dray, Im sorry I brought you into this sh*t. He apologized staring blankly out the window.
Its ok Playboy, I would have got involved anyways, maybe this is whats supposed to happen to get us on the top and get rid of those M.O.B. pr*cks. Im just glad they didnt pop you back there. I answered optimistically. I laid back in the seat and closed my eyes as we drove swiftly through Liberty, I felt a sense of relief, and somehow I knew that from now on, everything would fall into to place.


When I arrived home, I grabbed cell phone off the counter, flipped it open and called Andy.
Speak.spoke Andy across the phone taking a smoke of a cigarette.
Andy, its Dray, we have to talk.
Oh well if it isnt my deranged killer Dray, He joked, Long time no talk, whats going on? You sound like someone just killed your best friend he said releasing a puff of smoke into the phone.
Well nearly, but thats what I called about, you see the M.O.B. kid napped Playboy today and held him hostage till we gave them all our drugs and money. I explained as I searched through my fridge for a Pibwasser.
Sh*t Dray is Playboy ok? worried Andy.
Yeah hes fine, the exchange went well but now we dont have anything left, I was wondering if you could hook me up with some work so I can earn a decent amount of money and get back at those M.O.B. pr*cks.
Ill see what I can do kid, Ill get you some work soon. he assured me.
Thanks Andy, Ill speak to you soon. I thanked him hanging up the phone. I tossed the cell phone over on my counter as I stretched out on my couch, flicked on my TV and chugged down a nice refreshing beer.

SentinelXS
  • SentinelXS

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#93

Posted 28 September 2008 - 05:05 PM

Irish Mob, Lucky Winkles Bar, Chapter VI: A New Direction

The night was quiet as Patrick and I drove back to Algonquin to collect our vehicles. The trip was taken in silence, as we both didnt know exactly what to say to each other about the events that lead us up to this point. We both knew things wouldnt just blow over quietly, considering four carloads of drugs, guns, money, and men were confiscated and arrested, or killed. I didnt even know who setup the job and Patrick wasnt talking or telling me any details. As we turned onto Galveston Avenue, which would lead us to Lucky Winkles and the abandoned car dealership, Patrick spoke.

There is something I should tell you about this job before we get back to the dealershipjust as a precaution, said Patrick in a concerned tone that grabbed my full attention.

What Patrickdo we have a price on our heads for not delivering the cars? I asked, grasping at the worst fears circling in my mind.

Not exactly. The guy that set this deal up is Paul Big Paulie Castellano. Hes from Chicago and apparently his Mafia ties are even bigger than the families here in Liberty City. He suspected that there might be some law enforcement involvement, hence the reason you came directly to the dealership. We were told that the cars were being delivered to the Ancellotis and one of their guys might have been paid off for information, Patrick paused and stared out the car window. If Big Paulie is there when we arrive, act like you know none of this, I wasnt supposed to tell. Hes not going to be happy, but the cars and drugs were already paid forso its not our problem at the moment, it will be between him and the Ancelloti family.

Wowyou really know how to get me mixed up in some of the craziest sh*t in this city, dont you Patrick, I exclaim, looking over at him. Why dont YOU just put a gun to my headbecause thats what all of these jobs feel like lately.

F*ck you man! Im trying my best to find good paying work. What do you want$500 jobs for going around beating people up that owe protection money or $10,000 jobs like this one? Patrick questions in an irritated tone.

Look Patrick, I get it, but every $10,000 job turns into a mess like this, where I dont know if we are going to live, die, or be arrested, I explain as I try to make him understand my point of view.

Our conversation is cut short when we arrive at our destination. The abandoned car dealership sits quietly in the darkness, with no signs of activity outside or in. I drive the car past the backside of the dealership slowly, as Patrick tries to see through the windows, looking for anyone that might be inside. We swing around the side of the building and park right out front. Upon exiting our borrowed transportation a voice calls out.

That isnt the car you left here with and this isnt the delivery location, the unknown voice of a man speaks from the darkness.

HeyMr. Castellano, what are you doing here? asks Patrick nervously.

It has come to my attention that the vehicles were involved in a law enforcement sting operation, on the bridge over Charge Island. However, I heard it was only four cars that got hauled in and one crashed through a police roadblock and over the side of the bridge. Knowing the other guys a little better than I know you and your cousin, I figured that the one that crashed might be you two. I figured Id wait here and see if you guys lived and would show up for your car, explained Big Paulie. Looks like I was right, two-fold, because here you are.

All thanks to Zeke hereit was his slick driving that got us out of there, Paulie, says Patrick, patting me on the back.

Sounds like you might be good to keep around kid, Big Paulie says as he looks in my direction. Give me your numberI have a feeling Im going to need your services in dealing with the Ancellotis.

Paulie Castellano puts my number in his cell phone and begins to walk away, but turns and says:

PatrickI know you put your share of the money in your car he pauses, but since you two were the only ones to make it back here, you can keep it.

The thought of keeping that much money, for a job that wasnt finished, and the fact that Mr. Castellano knew the money was in Patricks car, left him speechless. I stepped up for him and thanked Big Paulie and shook his hand, Patrick eventually recovered and did the same. He vanished into the night as we made our way to Patricks car. We both got in and he drove me around the block to where I had parked my Hakumai much earlier that evening. I got in my car and started it up, preparing to follow Patrick back to his Mas house to divide the cash. Something had told me to leave my cell phone in the car that night, before the job, and I was glad I did, considering the plunge we took into the water. I had a new voicemail message so I listened to it as I followed Patrick.

Zeke, this is Allison. I havent heard from you and was really looking forward to seeing you. Give me a call tomorrow, if you have time.

Yet another crazy night of life-threatening work, but a nice payday and reassurance that someone in this life cared about me. I told myself that I would call her in the morning, when I went to pick up my Vincent at the body shop and look for a new place to stay, one that was much nicer than my current dump in Bohan. Time passed during the uneventful drive to my aunts house and the adrenaline from our previous activities was wearing off, allowing me to realize the time and how tired I was. Patrick and I made the money exchange quick and I said goodbye to everyone at the house. The once eventful and action-packed night was coming to an unusually calm end, but I wasnt complaining. Not far from the McReary household was a 24-hour six-pack shop. The first hints on daybreak were starting to fill the sky as I made my way there to pick up some Piwasser, which was going to be my nightcap.

to be continued

-XS

Craig
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#94

Posted 28 September 2008 - 05:39 PM

Irish Mob
McReary Household
Chapter 2:
Truck Of The Irish


If there was an area of Liberty City that was as desolate as it had always been, the docks were definitely strong candidates. As functional as San Fierro's, yet twice as disgusting, the docks remained undeveloped as Liberty City evolved around it. Even the waters harshly crashing against it's aging harbours were changing at a faster pace, with bigger and better boats flocking to the waves. Despite this, Liberty City's docks became the primary source for imports and exports, taking pride in the sheer speed hot goods could be moved.

The sudden slam of Packie's Vincent car door startled nearby seagulls perched on the rusty remnants of an Esperanto. Lighting up a slightly damp and hand rolled cigarette, Packie approached the entrance to a seemingly deserted truck depot tastefully named "RS Haul Deliveries". With a long draw on his decomposing cigarette, he eye the sign and moved towards what looked like the head office; a moldy trailer that looked even older than the depot if that was even possible.
"Hello?" Packie called out, words muffled slightly by his cigarette, "anybody home?"
After several attempts at knocking, each one louder and more impatient than the last, Packie swore loudly and sat down on a nearby low wall without an ounce of grace or respect. As Packie took his final draw on the hastily rolled cigarette, he flicked it into a tyre behind him. As quickly as he'd discarded it, a disgruntled man emerged from behind a nearby stack of boxes, shotgun trembling in his dangerously unstable palms.
"And who the f*ck are you, boy?" the man snarled, shotgun still rattling, as well aimed as it were.
"Boy?" Packie yelled, scared stiff but reluctant to show it in front of a hick, "I'll give you boy, I'm looking for some bloke who wanted sh*t moving. Alex sent me."
The man let out an apologetic growl and lowered his gun, embracing Packie in a handshake. Clearly he wasn't comfortable receiving a handshake from a dusty hermit who tried to kill him seconds ago, so Packie broke his grip as quick as possible.
"Sorry friend," the man said, running a dirty finger under his nose, "I'm sorry to say we get a lot of low-lives around here, tryin' to make off with my imports..."
The two stood uncomfortably and Packie broke the silence.
"So? Who are you?"
The man again apologised and carried on, his tone rough and harsh.
"I'm Arnold, friends call me Arn. I'm the "bloke" that want sh*t moving, and fast."
Packie nodded and cracked his knuckles as Arn moved closer, the volume of his voice instantly dropping.
"If you notice a stench, it may be the dozen or so refugees piled in the back... but that stays in this depot."
"What!? I'm drivin' a truck load of dead immigrants?"
Arn looked like he had been attacked by a swarm of birds as he tried to silence Packie, his limbs flailing. This of course did nothing to silence Packie, but in the interest of leaving soon he was quiet nonetheless.
"Okay okay, I'll shut up. Where am I taking them?"
Arn calmed down instantly, "I don't care. Drown it, torch it, have wild and tantric sex with the whole damn truck of 'em, just get 'em out of here!"
Packie sighed and left the man to his mounting piles of boxes and his beloved gun, running his fingers through his shaven head as he climbed into the truck.

The soothing sounds of JNR filled the cabin of the truck, which was in high contrast to the depressing contents in the back. As Packie tried his best to ignore the stench of rotting Europeans, he took a turn that would eventually lead him into Northwood. His eventual plan would be to approach the cliff at speed and then dive into a nearby bush, cushioning his landing and sending the truck flying into the waters below. No trace, no problem.
As Packie turned however, an impatient taxi driver decided to speed up next to him, overtaking him without warning. With an angry yell, Packie applied the brakes, causing the back doors to become loose. It was a bad time for a police car to sit behind the truck, as a foul looking dead British woman fell onto the car's windscreen. The officer's screamed in horror and immediately began to chase Packie and his truck of horrors. Packie noticed the sirens and looked in his rear view mirrors. One glance was all it took when he noticed the corpse lying naked on the LCPD car.
"Aww... sh*t."
Packie slammed his foot on the accelerator, gaining speed on the gentle slopes of Northwood. With only a straight left until the cliff, Packie weighted the pedal down with a stray brick found in the cabin and kicked the door open with a grunt. As the truck continued to gain speed, Packie carefully but quickly climbed to the top of of the truck, crouching to avoid hanging traffic lights. As police cars swarmed the truck attempting to box it in, the cliff grew closer.
"F*ck you pigs!" Packie screamed, leaping into a nearby tree bordering the cliff. With a spectacular display of corpse-like fireworks, police cars struggled to break so not to join the truck, it's contents spewing from it's rear as each rock cut into the surface. With all focus on the now destroyed truck, Packie groaned as twigs pricked deep into his skin and it took a fair few minutes for him to escape the tree's clutches. By that time, paramedics had arrived, causing enough of a distraction for Packie to hobble to a public phone box.

Bill2451
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#95

Posted 28 September 2008 - 05:42 PM

QUOTE (Skimask101 @ Sep 28 2008, 07:29)
QUOTE (Build Up Your Gang @ Sep 28 2008, 01:18)
@Bill: That was an excellent story for your first BUYG attempt! I'm very impressed, $48. Looking forward for more from you.

Don't worry about Skimask, he was just trying to help you out  biggrin.gif

True, that story had lots of description. It is quite well (I'm a little jealous).

thanks guys... I appreciate it... hopefully as I go on they'll get better and keep you guys interested

one of my pet peeves w/ writing is that I often feel adjectives are actually over used... I'd prefer a story w/ good plot and character development any day. Strong use of adjectives is definitely needed, it helps the reader visualize the story and keeps it from being boring (aka the repetitive 'he said/she said' you guys often point out)... but they can be over used too and sometimes come to the point where it just feels unnecessarily wordy... a story that gives its characters a personality and really develops a solid plot will always hold my attention better than one that just uses a ton of adjectives but is lacking in development

Skimask101
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#96

Posted 28 September 2008 - 05:49 PM

QUOTE (WelcomeToLibertyCity @ Sep 28 2008, 06:50)
If anyone besides the BUYG staff want to give me hints to make my story better, please feel free to drop any comments. I'm trying extremely hard to improve. Hopefully you'll notice a huge change in paragraphing in this story.

Its pretty good compared to my stories, just try to read some of Jacky Fiends stories and decide weather or not you want to write with a fair amount of dialogue or with lots of description. I prefer lots of description because you can add more emotion and its just a much better story because you know exactly what's happening. A story with lots of dialogue or little description is what I call a picture book, and I don't see any pictures.

SentinelXS
  • SentinelXS

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#97

Posted 29 September 2008 - 01:11 AM

Irish Mob, Lucky Winkles Bar, Chapter VII: Luck Of The Irish

Beep, Beep, Beep, Beep, screams my alarm as the designated time arrives on the clock. Its a new day and I cycle through the things I need to do in my mind. Its a struggle to pull myself from warmth and coziness of my bed and make my way to the closet to get dressed. I skip breakfast and decide to head out to Northwood, Algonquin to pick up my Vincent, fresh out of the paint shop, after the little vandalism incident. I hit the streets and waiting for a taxi to come near, signaling to the driver to pull to the side of the road and pick me up. Along the way I decide to call Allison and setup a date, which she agrees to. So far the day is going pretty good and it is the first time in, I cant remember how long, that I feel like a normal person. No shooting, fights, car wrecks, drug dealing, etc.

A short while later the taxi pulls up in front of the body shop and the driver prompts me for some money. As I exit the taxi I see my Vincent sparkling in the sunlight, showing off its new paintjob. I thank the owner, pay my bill and hop in the car to go look at some new apartments. Im working with a realtor that knows the McReary family, so we spend the afternoon looking at places and reminiscing about some of the crazy things that have happened to the family in the past few years. The realtor shows me a penthouse near Middle Park, in Algonquin, that I just cant pass up. We finalize the deal later that day and I look back on how normal and uneventful the day has been, thinking to myself: This must be what its like to lead a normal life.

It will be a few days until the sale is final and I can start moving into the penthouse, so I make my way home, to Bohan. My normal day is about to change as my cell phone rings, its Big Paulie.

Hey kid. Looks as though we are going to have a problem with the Ancellotis, as I suspected. They moved quicker than I thought they would and know you and Patrick survived. Its been brought to my attention that they hired an assassin to take all three of us outyou first, then Patrick, and then, obviously, me. Im not sure how they know who you are or what you look like, but I know that they doso be on your toes and live long enough to keep your cousin and me alive, Big Paulie explains, over the phone, as I shake my head in disbelief.

Sothis guy is just gonna off me then go after you two? I ask, as I try and get more info.

Apparently soand I heard he is one of the best. Be careful kidfor your sake, Patricks sake, and for my f*cking sake! Paulie exclaims and ends the conversation.

With a price on my head I decide to stay away from my apartment, considering this assassin probably knows where I live, if he knows what I look like. The fear gets to me and I call to warn Patrick, who, I find out from my aunt, is still asleep at 3:15 pm. Annoyed and afraid for my life I decide to go to a diner in Hove Beach and grab something to eat, while I wait for Patrick to wake up around 4 pm, which is apparently normal for him. The diner is mostly empty, characteristic of this particular diner and the time of day. I sit quietly eating a burger and watch out the windows for anything out of the ordinary, when I notice a black PMP600 drive down the street. The man in the car seems to be staring right at me, nodding gently, as if to say: You arent going to be alive long.

I have never seen this man before in my life, but some kind of primal survival instinct told me this way my killer, and I was in trouble. My attention was drawn to the car as it slowly drove by the diner, heading East on Bart Street, and rounded the corner onto Mohawk Avenue, heading South. I lost sight of the car and decided it was time to either make a move or die in a run-down diner in Hove Beach. My brain urged me to exit the building and get to my car, across the street in a little alley, where I had left my gun. My movements took me right for the front door of the diner and out onto the streets. The sounds of a V8 engine and tires squealing roared through the air. I turned my attention to the direction of the sounds and spotted the PMP600 coming back around the corner, right toward me. Faintly, I could see the man laughing to himself and holding something in his hand. My mad dash toward my Vincent was nearly complete when suddenly my car exploded in a giant fireball, which rose far above the building surrounding it.

The blast sent me backward, landing on the hard tarmac of the street. My body ached and my ears rang from the explosion, I was finding it difficult to peel myself from the road and avoid my death, at the hands of a madman. Struggling to gain my balance as I rose, I heard the all too familiar sound of a clip being loaded into a SMG, which now had my full attention as I looked in the direction of the hitman. The adrenaline kicked in and my focus shifted from my aching body to the need to survive. I ran for the front door of the diner and burst inside, yelling: Everyone, get down!

A spray of bullets followed my entry into the little diner. Glass shattered and holes were formed as the bullets pelted the front of the establishment. Crouched down, sheltering myself behind the diners counter, I contemplated my options as light poured into the room, through the round bullet holes in the wall. My only options were stay and fight or try to get out through the side door of the diner and get to a phone. The only weapon I had was a knife I had tucked into my boot, and I knew that would be useless against the assassins SMG. It was too dangerous to try and make a call from the diner and I was pretty sure the phone was destroyed in the gunfire. There were two places nearby that I could go, the Russian Clothing store or Comrades Bar. My choice was Comrades, since it was directly east of the diners side exit, across Mohawk Avenue.

Moments later, I sprang to my feet and broke through the side door and onto the sidewalk, steps away from Mohawk Avenue. My legs were moving as fast as they could, aching in pain from my previous impact with the street. I made it into the middle of the avenue when my attention was directed to my left, as tires squealed again and the black PMP600 launched toward me. The front of the car struck my left side and sent me flying onto the hard tarmac of the street, for a second time. I knew I was in trouble this time, I couldnt move my left leg and the hitman was exiting his car. He made his way toward me, SMG in hand, and laughed a little as he aimed the gun at my face.

Guess you arent as good as they suspected you were, punk, said the assassin.

I grabbed the knife from my boot, not knowing exactly what I was going to do against a SMG held in the hands of a trained killer. The hitman laughed at the sight and said:

Did I knock the sense right out of you? You brought a knife to a gunfight!

The SMG was still pointed right at my face and as the mans laughter subsided, he pulled the trigger. Its funny how everything slows down, moments before your unfortunate end, allowing you a chance to think of all the things you care about and everything you will miss in life. Click, Click, Click, surprisingly, the clip was empty, a result of his prior assault on the diner.

Sh*tlooks like Ill have to go grab my backup pistol. Dont go anywhere nowha-ha-ha, he laughed, not like you can anyway, right gimpy? joked the man as he turned to walk back to his car.

Its amazing what the body can do when it has to, because I blocked out the pain of my possible broken leg and made a move for the assassin, as his back was turned and attention was not on me. I could only manage to walk a few steps and my body began to collapse right behind the assassin. I had one chance to end this and I took full advantage of him letting his guard down. As I fell, the arm holding the knife wrapped around the assassins right shoulder and placed the blade of the knife square with the front of the throat. The falling motion, and my body clinging to the man, completed the gruesome task, severing open the flesh, spilling the warm, red liquid onto his chest and the ground.

An eerie silence filled the street as the commotion finally came to an end. My leg sent shockwaves of pain to my brain and I began to feel nauseous. I knew the cops would soon show up and I was definitely not in any kind of condition to deal with them. The dead assassins car was only a few feet away, left running after he hit me. I managed to hobble to the vehicle and briefly looked over where my Vincent was parked. The car was burnt a dull brown with a small fire still burning the last pieces of the interior. A familiar sound of emergency sirens marked my departure. I knew I couldnt keep the PMP600 as a replacement for my Vincent, but it would at least get me out of Hove Beach and to help. Rummaging briefly, I found the pistol the assassin was trying to retrieve, and decided to hang onto it, just in case. My cell phone managed to survive the incident and I dialed Big Paulie to let him know what had happened.

Paulie I groaned, its Zeke. Im hurt pretty bad I groaned again in agony, the Ancellotis assassin tried to kill me, but he didnt succeed. I need a doctor, but you know I cant go to the hospital.

to be continued

-XS

*Pistol purchased as part of the story, $100.

bmx rule
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#98

Posted 29 September 2008 - 08:44 AM

Chapter One
Proving My Rights



i am waiting outside pegorinos mansion for him to call me, its dark and cars are moving round on the street my phone rings i answer its pegorino i say im ready to prove my rights he says that i need to go and get a colt.45 from a sentinel down the street at the shop.
.
so i walk down to the sentinel and open the door the colt.45 is in the console i read from a sheet of paper stuck to the consol i open it to find the gun i grab it and i find keys on the bottom of the console i pick them up and ring pegorino he says that im going to an apartment in northwood Algonquin to take out the target thats trying to kill him i start the sentinel and two sentinels come racing down the street stop in the car park saying
''your under arrest pegorino'' insistently i know that these guys are cops and slam my foot down on the pedal the car takes off out of the car park with the cops following.

i go threw an alley to try and lose them it works and they smash into each other i drive down to the apartment hoping for no more heat. when i arrive there are three blocks, so i call pegorino and ask which building im going into he says middle 2nd floor i get out of the car and head forwards to the building.

as i reach level 2 i call pegorino to ask which apartment im entering when a door swings open and knocks me back, my phone slips out of my hand and down the stair shaft shattering into pieces the target comes bolting out saying you wont get me. i get up and chase him down the stairs, i get a perfect lock on him and click i forgot to load it we run to our cars and speed off i quickly open the console and grab a clip i swing it into the gun and fire the bullet flys out of the barrel and heads straight for his head when he turns a corner i keep going.

we're still driving we have reached the bridge to bohan my wind screens got bullet holes every where i smash the window and aim my gun down at his tyre click i have to reload i swing the next clip in hang my hand out the window and bang my gun goes off and flys out of my hand as it hits a lamp post the bullet hits the tyre there's a pop and the target slides of the road and smacks into the it makes a huge dent in his car i slam on the handbrake before my car goes off the edge i was to late so i turn the wheel and jump out my arms sliding across the ground blood spraying down my slide path

i stand up and go to the wrecked car struggling and grab the mans head and slam it into the steering wheel blood comes out from his face i open the door and chuck the guy out i have no weapons, but i see that there is a knife in the guys back pocket i take it out and stab it through his neck and take it out there's blood all over the ground i drag the body and throw him in the water and i have to leave the blood on the ground.

i leave the area without knowing someone was watching i get to a phone and ring pegorino and ask if he can come round and pick me up with a new gun and phone


take the $5 for the knife off my score

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#99

Posted 29 September 2008 - 09:02 AM Edited by Build Up Your Gang, 29 September 2008 - 09:08 AM.

I'm in a rush, so sorry if I'm not specific with details on the grading.

@Welcome: $33, its getting better but still the same typos, structure improved and with a little more help I'm sure you'll get there. + $100 for 5 stories.

@XS: $44, $47. Good as always.

@Master: $46, icon14.gif

@bmx: $24, a lot "I go here, I go there, I do this, I do that", add some description. Grammar is another area you can work on, put your work through a spell-checker and it should pick up on most mistakes.

Also I added a knife to the Peg's for the price of $5, smile.gif
Phusion

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#100

Posted 29 September 2008 - 09:37 AM

QUOTE (Build Up Your Gang @ Sep 29 2008, 09:02)
I'm in a rush, so sorry if I'm not specific with details on the grading.

@Welcome: $33, its getting better but still the same typos, structure improved and with a little more help I'm sure you'll get there. + $100 for 5 stories.

@XS: $44, $47. Good as always.

@Master: $46, icon14.gif

@bmx: $24, a lot "I go here, I go there, I do this, I do that", add some description. Grammar is another area you can work on, put your work through a spell-checker and it should pick up on most mistakes.

Also I added a knife to the Peg's for the price of $5, smile.gif
Phusion

sorry my spell checker is stuffed and i need to get it fixed

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#101

Posted 29 September 2008 - 10:35 AM

This is only a short, introductory chapter, used to set up the next "strand" of chapters.

Irish Mob
McReary Household
Chapter 3:
Todd


Packie hauled himself to the nearest pay phone he could find in Northwood. Behind him, chaos ensued as now helicopters had begun to arrive. The truck that had met it's fate in the hands of the unforgiving cliffs was now toast, flames licking every inch. No trace of it's contents were even visible.
A nearby estate provided the perfect location for a call. A lone phone box sat beside a derelict play park nestled at the foot of a towering block of flats. Packie put all his weight against it as he gently lifted the receiver to his ears. Pounding numbers with a splintered finger, he knew exactly who to call; his cousin Todd.
Todd was his Uncle's son, a long and thin man, not too far from Alex appearance-wise. Short, brown hair sat playfully on his head, starting to grow into curls. Despite his boyish looks, Todd was frequently the fight starter and wasn't adverse to bringing a pool que to the back of a poor drunk's head should the need arise.
Packie shifted his weight so he could get a look at the scene behind him. Emergency vehicles started to disperse, realising there was nothing much they could do. At this point, Packie heard a click and he then turned his attention to a very rough sounding Todd on the other end of the line.
"Who's 'is?" Todd asked, voice soft and damaged.
"It's Packie, I'm stuck, no time to explain but I need a way out fast. I'm in Northwood."
There were a few seconds of silence as the sound of Todd getting out of bed filled Packie's ears. Clearly he was still asleep from one of his large and frequent sessions at the Steinway Beer Garden.
"I have a car in Northwood, may be of use, drive here and I'll sort you out mate, just let yourself in," Todd yawned, struggling to get his words out, "I'll be in bed or asleep on the sofa."
Packie sang his praises, being sure to let Todd know how grateful he was and he then made his way to an alleyway not far from where he already was. Crossing the road, filled with idle morning traffic, Packie approached the alleyway which neighboured Axel's Bodywork Garage. In it sat a beige Hakunai, well taken care of but evidently battled scarred. Without a moment's hesititation, Packie climbed in, embracing the warmth and comfort of the car. It took him a few seconds to focus once more, and as the last fire truck left the scene, Packie followed it to Alderney.

***

"Thanks for this Todd, I don't know what the f*ck I'd do without 'cha sometimes."
"Well, there y'are. Fridge is all yours, I'm off to bed."
Packie let himself drift off to sleep, his pain easing. Before he knew it, it was late afternoon and Todd was up himself, the harsh noise of the spoon hitting the cup as he stirred two fresh cups of coffee.
"Rough day, eh?" Todd enquired, considerably fresher than earlier, handing a cup of coffee to Packie.
"I could say the same about you, bet you were up sh*tting all day."
The two shared a laugh and Todd burper, breaking the silence. Packie simply sipped his coffee, sinking back into the sofa and groaning.
"Yer Ma okay?" Todd asked, wondering if the two had fallen out again.
"Yeah, she's fine, getting on now, but she's fine."
As another break of silence, Todd's phone rang, causing him to swear quietly and hobble into the kitchen, hungover head in tow.
Packie began to down the well made coffee, instantly forgetting how hot it was as the muffled conversation in the kitchen grew more and more heated. Suddenly, Todd burst back into the room, face red and phone sweaty.
"I've gotta go man, you stay here, make yourself at home, lie low, whatever", Todd had a habit of talking fast at times, "I don't care what you do, I'll be back soon."
Packie could barely even say his byes and his thanks before Todd was out of the door, cigarette rooted firmly in between his lips. Climbing into the Hakunai Packie brought, Todd set off nosily towards Bohan.

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#102

Posted 29 September 2008 - 10:49 AM

Chapter Two
A Day Of Survival



I woke the next morning at 4:48 and sat there I thought it was a dream until I looked around this wasn’t my place I looked at the alarm clock it looked fairly new and I don’t have a new clock then I looked at my arm it had a bandage on but it didn’t hurt I looked around there was a knife and a colt.45 on the dresser I looked around to my alarm clock it changed to 5:oo and beep beep beep the alarm clock was going then pegorino walked in and said I was hurt so bad that when he arrived I was on the ground, but could I believe that. I got out of bed and headed out the door I walked towards the carport door the pegorino came and asked if I will be coming back and said it would be safer for me to stay with him so I agreed I got into my new sentinel and drove out of the long driveway I then turned and headed for my apartment.

When I got to my apartment it was burning, but I needed my clothes I thought that I could get my car and drive away, but as I walked towards it bang it blew up and I was flung back at my sentinel and hit it I bounced up and landed on the bonnet to see my car flaming I quickly got into the sentinel and drove off before the police blamed me for what happened and send me to jail.

I arrived at modo in Algonquin to get some clothes when a sentinel pulled up on the other side of the road I bought some clothes and got into my car I rang up pegorino and told him I would be a little late I then headed to a gun shop and bought a new colt.45 as I went out there were cops around the area so I got in my sentinel and drove off towards pegorinos and the guys kept following me so I got out the colt and stopped at the shop down the road where I started the mission to prove my rights I parked in a parking spot and accidentally walked into pegorino what are you doing here he said these guys are following me I said well lose ‘em he said I was able to grab pegorinos colt.45 and I had two guns I went to the warehouse and stopped they stopped behind me I got out both guns in my pockets on my belt I walked past them and they watched they got out because I dropped a Molotov under the car I then turned around drawing both colts and firing I got a perfect shot on their wind pipe.

There was blood on the ground and a car on fire I got into my sentinel and drove out with an explosion behind me. When I got to pegorinos a guy came outta nowhere and shot at me as I was entering I turned no one was there I entered and closed the door I put a new clip in both of my guns and gave my gun from my dressing table to pegorino telling him we had compony and then he door open and pegorinos gun went off right in my ear I turned to see a dead body. Me and pegorino walk out the door and someone grabs pegorino and chucks him in a sentinel I got into my car and chased after the man Who had pegorino.

We stopped at a warehouse in tudor I was able to take out the enemy holding pegorino and we able to get back to his mansion safely I then got my clothes from the boot of my sentinel and I took them inside and got changed ready for the night and hoping for no one to come in and kill us.

i bought the molotov for 50 dollars but can you tell me how much i got in money then take it from the gangs money i want to know how much i got.

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#103

Posted 29 September 2008 - 11:13 AM

bmx rule: From now on, before you write a story can you please buy the items? And limit yourself to one chapter a day please.

Masterkraft: $45, tad short but good.

Phusion

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#104

Posted 29 September 2008 - 11:16 AM

i think you guys missed the purchase of the pistol for $100 in my last story. I said i found one in the car and decided to keep it so deduct $100 from our money and add the pistol to our list of items for future use. thanks.

-XS

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#105

Posted 29 September 2008 - 11:29 AM

QUOTE (Build Up Your Gang @ Sep 29 2008, 11:13)
bmx rule: From now on, before you write a story can you please buy the items? And limit yourself to one chapter a day please.

Masterkraft: $45, tad short but good.

Phusion

sure though it might be 1 in 2 days cause im having huge interruptions

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#106

Posted 29 September 2008 - 07:33 PM

I would like to purchase molotovs for this story please and thank you.
====================================================

Chapter 6: Ambush.


I relaxed on my deck as the warm sun shined in my face and sipped a cold glass of water. I peered over at my cell phone which was lying on the table beside me, ringing loudly.
Hello? I spoke taking a drink of my water.
Hey Dray its Andy. Listen I have a job for you, are you interested? he asked.
Ahh... sure I guess, What do you need done? I asked as a stepped into my apartment.
The Pegorinos are having a little drug deal with the Petrovic Bratva today down an alley on Dillon Street in Broker. The Ancellotis have had trouble recently and to make a long story short, we believe that the drugs were stolen from us. So Im asking that you and a few of my goons go down there and ambush the dirty pr*cks! he exclaimed in temper into the phone.
Sure. Ill see what I can do. I answered holding the phone away from my ear in case of another one of Andys temper tantrums.
Alright. I have given these guys that will be accompanying you some molotovs. Pick these guys up at my place in Little Italy. Floor three, door #2 of the building. Make the Pegorinos suffer. he stressed hanging up the phone. I stuffed the phone into my pants pocket before I walked out the front door and got into a taxi.


I arrived at Andys place at noon. I stepped out of the car and glanced at a rugged brick building standing near a street corner in Little Italy. As I climbed the stairs of the building, I began to smell a stench of cigarettes and booze. I reached the third floor, door #2 and discovered that it was the source of the stink. As I turned the door knob carefully, walked inside and saw Andy stretched out on the couch with a cigar barely gripped between his lips and three other men who must have been working with me today.
Hey Dray come on in. wheezed Andy as he ushered me over to the couch.
Hey Andy, nice place you have here. I lied staring at the stains and trash scattered over his floor.
You dont have to lie Dray, I can tell by the look on your face you know this is as much of a sh*t shack as I do. Andy laughed, exhaling smoke into the room. I didnt answer, although he agreed I didnt want to offend his home.
Anyways Dray, lets get down to business. So as I explained on the phone, youre going to ambush a Pegorino drug deal with these three thugs over here. He explained pointing to the three other men. They gave me a nod and went back to watching the TV.
Here take these. I want those Pegorinos to burn as much dying as they will in hell as they arrive, but make sure you grab those drugs before you leave! He exclaimed tossing me a bag containing a few bottles filled with gas and a rag hanging out of the top.
Alright, Ill see what I can do. I said as I sat up from the couch, waving for the other guys to follow.
Thanks Dray, I know youll do well. Andy assured me as I exited his apartment.


When we arrived on Dillon Street, I spotted a black Cognoscenti with four Pegorino men inside, parked beside the alley.
That must be them. I said to the other gang members as I tried to find a route to a vantage point near the deal. I circled around the alley way, until I was on the other side. I noticed a stair way that lead to a flat surface slightly above where the deal would take place, a great spot to hide on and toss a molotov. So quietly, me and the three Ancelloti men crouched on top of our vantage point, hiding ourselves behind a ledge. About 15 minutes later, the four Pegorino men crept into the alley with four members of the Petrotiv Bratva. Ok pass me two molotovs now. I whispered to one of the Ancellotis. I grasped them in my hand and watched as the deal began. I reached into my left pocket and pulled out my lighter. I flicked it and a tiny flame danced in the wind as I lit the tip of my molotovs. I stood up and quickly hurled the molotovs at the eight dealers. The flaming bottles smashed onto the alleys pavement and the dealers burst into balls of flames. Soon after the burnt corpses collapsed to the ground. I grabbed the bag of drugs as I and the Ancellotis sprinted out of the alley.


I arrived back at Andys apartment that evening with the bag of drugs. I stepped into the apartment and saw a p*ss drunk Andy passed out of the sofa with a bottle of Ragga Rum grasped in his right hand. I had a smirk on my face as I slammed the door shut and Andy jumped to his feet, almost flipping the sofa over.
Oh for f*ck sakes, its just you. He said as he took a chug of rum and plopped back down on the sofa.
Heres your drugs. I laughed tossing the bag to him.
Good work Dray. I knew I could trust you with this. he said as he lit up a cigar.
Dont mention it, it was fun watching those drug dealing idiots burn to the ground. I said.
Haha, I bet it was, wish I coulda been there to watch those Pegorino pr*cks burn! He laughed, passing me a few hundred dollar bills, This is your pay you deserve it. he congratulated me, taking a draw of his cigar.
Thank you. I said to him in graditude as I walked out of the apartment building and headed home for the night.

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#107

Posted 29 September 2008 - 11:06 PM

QUOTE (bmx rule @ Sep 29 2008, 06:49)
I arrived at modo in Algonquin to get some clothes when a sentinel pulled up on the other side of the road I bought some clothes and got into my car I rang up pegorino and told him I would be a little late I then headed to a gun shop and bought a new colt.45 as I went out there were cops around the area so I got in my sentinel and drove off towards pegorinos "and the guys kept following me so I got out the colt and stopped at the shop down the road where I started the mission to prove my rights I parked in a parking spot and accidentally walked into pegorino what are you doing here he said these guys are following me I said well lose ‘em he said I was able to grab pegorinos colt.45 and I had two guns I went to the warehouse and stopped they stopped behind me I got out both guns in my pockets on my belt I walked past them and they watched they got out because I dropped a Molotov under the car I then turned around drawing both colts and firing I got a perfect shot on their wind pipe."

i'm not the best writer in the world, by far, nor am i the best write on this forum. However i wanted to take an opportunity and possibly help you bmx, because you seem to have the passion for this type of creative story-telling, i just find it amazingly hard to read your work at times. firstly, please spell check and proof read. there were several errors in your last chapter that could have been avoided by simply re-reading your work before...or even after posting, considering there IS, in fact, an edit button that allows one to go back and correct any errors.

i picked a passage from you last chapter b/c i was astonished to find it a run on sentence spanning one solid paragraph of text. read the quoted passage above to yourself then read how it should look below...hopefully this help, as the story was not all that bad:

I arrived at the Modo Store in Algonquin, to get some clothes, when a sentinel pulled up along the other side of the road. After I bought some clothes, I exited the store and got into my car. Concerned at the sight of the car, I rang up Pegorino and told him I would be a little late. My destination was to be a gun shop, to buy a new colt.45. Arriving at the location, there were cops around the area, therefore I decided it was safer to stay in my car and drive toward Pegorino's place.

"and the guys kept following me so I got out the colt and stopped at the shop down the road where I started the mission to prove my rights I parked in a parking spot and accidentally walked into pegorino what are you doing here he said these guys are following me I said well lose ‘em he said I was able to grab pegorinos colt.45 and I had two guns I went to the warehouse and stopped they stopped behind me I got out both guns in my pockets on my belt I walked past them and they watched they got out because I dropped a Molotov under the car I then turned around drawing both colts and firing I got a perfect shot on their wind pipe."

I had to cut it off there because i became confused by the fact you say you arrived to buy the gun and there were cops so you drove off and in the next part of the blurb you say you got out the colt you just didnt buy?

i added the "" so you could see where i cut off editing...please don't take offense as i am not criticizing you by any means. I think it takes alot to make a piece of work and put it out there for the public to read...it just makes it a much more enjoyable experience for everyone when its well written, or at least correct. i find it hard to read a work and enjoy it if i'm distracted by trying to figure out what the author meant or trying to figure out what's happening...like the colt thing...did your character buy the gun or not and if he didnt how did he have it?!? mercie_blink.gif

-XS

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#108

Posted 30 September 2008 - 06:47 AM

QUOTE (SentinelXS @ Sep 29 2008, 23:06)
QUOTE (bmx rule @ Sep 29 2008, 06:49)
I arrived at modo in Algonquin to get some clothes when a sentinel pulled up on the other side of the road I bought some clothes and got into my car I rang up pegorino and told him I would be a little late I then headed to a gun shop and bought a new colt.45 as I went out there were cops around the area so I got in my sentinel and drove off towards pegorinos "and the guys kept following me so I got out the colt and stopped at the shop down the road where I started the mission to prove my rights I parked in a parking spot and accidentally walked into pegorino what are you doing here he said these guys are following me I said well lose ‘em  he said I was able to grab pegorinos colt.45 and I had two guns I went to the warehouse and stopped they stopped behind me I got out both guns in my pockets on my belt I walked past them and they watched they got out because I dropped a Molotov under the car I then turned around drawing both colts and firing I got a perfect shot on their wind pipe."

i'm not the best writer in the world, by far, nor am i the best write on this forum. However i wanted to take an opportunity and possibly help you bmx, because you seem to have the passion for this type of creative story-telling, i just find it amazingly hard to read your work at times. firstly, please spell check and proof read. there were several errors in your last chapter that could have been avoided by simply re-reading your work before...or even after posting, considering there IS, in fact, an edit button that allows one to go back and correct any errors.

i picked a passage from you last chapter b/c i was astonished to find it a run on sentence spanning one solid paragraph of text. read the quoted passage above to yourself then read how it should look below...hopefully this help, as the story was not all that bad:

I arrived at the Modo Store in Algonquin, to get some clothes, when a sentinel pulled up along the other side of the road. After I bought some clothes, I exited the store and got into my car. Concerned at the sight of the car, I rang up Pegorino and told him I would be a little late. My destination was to be a gun shop, to buy a new colt.45. Arriving at the location, there were cops around the area, therefore I decided it was safer to stay in my car and drive toward Pegorino's place.

"and the guys kept following me so I got out the colt and stopped at the shop down the road where I started the mission to prove my rights I parked in a parking spot and accidentally walked into pegorino what are you doing here he said these guys are following me I said well lose ‘em he said I was able to grab pegorinos colt.45 and I had two guns I went to the warehouse and stopped they stopped behind me I got out both guns in my pockets on my belt I walked past them and they watched they got out because I dropped a Molotov under the car I then turned around drawing both colts and firing I got a perfect shot on their wind pipe."

I had to cut it off there because i became confused by the fact you say you arrived to buy the gun and there were cops so you drove off and in the next part of the blurb you say you got out the colt you just didnt buy?

i added the "" so you could see where i cut off editing...please don't take offense as i am not criticizing you by any means. I think it takes alot to make a piece of work and put it out there for the public to read...it just makes it a much more enjoyable experience for everyone when its well written, or at least correct. i find it hard to read a work and enjoy it if i'm distracted by trying to figure out what the author meant or trying to figure out what's happening...like the colt thing...did your character buy the gun or not and if he didnt how did he have it?!? mercie_blink.gif

-XS

im sorry, i will put in the more info on my next chapter and what i should of wrote is:

i came out of the store to see cops around the area so my plan on shooting from here and putting the gun back isn't going to work out so i took the gun with me, hopped in the car and drove towards pegorinos.

and i also wanted to buy molotovs for $50 so if someone could edit pegorino crime family smile.gif

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#109

Posted 30 September 2008 - 06:54 AM

QUOTE (WelcomeToLibertyCity @ Sep 29 2008, 19:33)

     

im sorry one more thing i dont understand is:


I relaxed on my deck as the warm sun shined in my face and sipped a cold glass of water. I peered over at my cell phone which was lying on the table beside me, ringing loudly.

you relaxed on the ground or on your desk

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#110

Posted 30 September 2008 - 08:46 AM

If you guys all want some help with writing theres a writing guide in the first post, or, you should visit Writers Discussion and check out stories from there.

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#111

Posted 30 September 2008 - 09:22 AM Edited by bmx rule, 30 September 2008 - 09:36 AM.

can people update pegorino crime familys settings iv posted a second story + bought molotovs $50 and nothing else purchased in this chapter.
============================================================================

Chapter Three
Kenny's Last Attack


pegorinos mansion

That night I woke up to hear rattling coming from the door I grabbed one of the colts off the dresser and looked out the window in the hall, guys were everywhere around the mansion I wouldn’t be able to escape out the side door or the front so I loaded my colt.45 and shot it at a mans head I missed then they saw me and started to return fire. As pegorino heard the shooting he came down too and started shooting from the other window, we took out some but, they kept coming up the driveway then I remembered the Molotovs I purchased, they were lying there in my dresser draws so I got into a prone position and pulled my self across the hard tiles when I got to my dresser I opened the draw and grabbed the molotovs. I got back to the window safely and threw molotovs at the coming cars then me and pegorino were able to get out the side door and watched as black sentinels crossed towards the mansion.

We followed where the cars were coming from and found they were coming from kenny petrovic’s mansion we waited until there was one car left in the car port and we started to fire we were able to kill two guys, but kenny petrovic was escaping. We got into the last sentinel and started chasing him we chased him up to the top of a layered car park.

‘’there's nowhere to go pegorino said, then Kenny leapt into his car and drove off a ramp, then crunch he hit a tree on the ground and was getting out of is car and running.

We drove over the ramp and landed perfectly on our wheels we turned back and kept following Kenny until he got to an alley, pegorino said he will drive around the block until he comes out. I then ran down the alley after Kenny and leaped at him I pulled him to the ground I went to shoot him and clink he knocked the gun clean out of my hand bang, boom the gun went of as it the ground and blew up the gas tank, me and Kenny were flung to the wall hard Kenny got up first and went for my gun, he picked it up, but it didnt look like it was going to fire again.

Kenny was standing up, when i threw a rock at him it knocked him back down and I needed to act quick before he got up again I then remembered my knife in my back pocked I pulled it out it was bent, but could still kill petrovic, so I leapt at Kenny with the knife, but he pushed me back with his legs, I dropped the knife right next to him he grabbed the knife got up and jumped at me swinging the knife at my face, I could feel the life draining out of me, I was waiting for my adrenaline, then it came I was able to roll and dodge him the knife got stuck in the ground, I got up and chucked Kenny out to the road, then pegorino ran over him, splat, it killed him and the car lifted into the air after the impact it landed unsteadily on the ground pegorino stopped and I got in with him and we headed to the mansion to finish the job. The enemies were inside partying thinking they killed us. I dropped molotovs all around the cars before we went in with our colts and fired every where

We killed them all they all looked like they were wearing red on their shirts and they looked Russian we crossed out the guys of the Russian gang they were all dead meaning no more sh*t from them we hope for all gangs to be looking like this and so with the leader looking like Kenny petrovic. we heard booms from the cars exploding outside, both me and pegorino laughed without knowing our car was blowing as well, and one of the bodys wasnt wasted, the guy tried attempting to kill us with a knife, when I swung my leg back and knocked the knife up, it hit my head and dropped into my hand, I turned, picked him up and sent the knife strait through his neck and pinning him to the wall, pegorino said we should make the wall a collection of the dead body’s of the gangs, we both laughed and went outside to go for a walk around the yard of flaming cars.

================================================================================
chapter 4 has got a new gang trying to take out me and pegorino and there's a secret attack at a deal including pegorino

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#112

Posted 30 September 2008 - 05:39 PM

Chapter 2 – Poker, I hardly know her!

The next year and a half were the hardest of their lives, everyday the anger boiling inside over John John's death, trying to come up with a plan to exact revenge. Eventually, they agreed the best thing to do was save up enough money to move to Liberty, set up a “base of operations,” or so to speak, and get a feel for the city. There was no use planning ahead of time, what were they going to do from 100 miles away? The city was far to unpredictable to plan anything anyway, once they got set up there was no telling what would happen, all they could do was what they did best, improvise.

So they set about saving up money, Tommy and Naps working odd jobs while Mac hit up the casino. Call it skill, call it the luck of the Irish (although he wasn’t especially lucky), call it whatever you want, Mac could gamble. Great with numbers, he saw things no one else could see; cleaning up in black jack and with his sports bookie. But the real money came when he played poker, at first in the casino and then at the local college campuses when the regulars at the casino got sick of losing to him. The money came rolling in much faster than expected, and in about a year they felt they had enough saved to make the move.

They took the train down to Liberty City and decided laying low was the best idea to start. No sense walking into the lions den from the get go, nothing good could come from it. Instead, they settled on the southern end of Alderny, it seemed quieter than the heart of the city, which would help them stay out of trouble, but it also seemed shady enough that it would be a good place to set up their search (there was a nice little strip club nearby that they figured would not only provide good entertainment when times were slow, but would also attract its share of scum bags, the kind of people that would have information that could help them).

The neighborhood was pretty rundown, vacant buildings and warehouses the predominant real estate, and after walking around for a little while they realized most of the apartments had no landlords at all, but were rather illegal loft housing. Occupied by families that couldn’t afford anything better or just junkies who needed a roof over their heads, what better way to live in Liberty City, they thought, than to live in Liberty City for free. It was the side of the city they weren’t used to seeing, but as soon as they did, they knew they were home. With no rent to pay (anyone who’s ever lived in Liberty knows how ridiculous the cost of rent is, even in the most dilapidated areas), they could use their saved up money for whatever they needed, weapons, bribing people, they really had no idea and just assumed that whatever they were about to get themselves into, having a boatload of cash couldn’t hurt.

Unfortunately marching into Liberty City and finding a kid they only saw briefly two years prior wasn’t exactly an easy task, and their search soon came to a standstill. It had barely been a month and they were already out of ideas. They needed connections; they had to integrate themselves into the cities vast criminal life, a proposition that sounded much easier than it was. Luckily, opportunity literally came knocking at the door one afternoon when Anthony “Junior” DiNello, a legman for the Pegorino Crime Family, made a visit to their apartment.

“My boss Mr. Bell has a proposition for you,” he said with a toothpick in his mouth and a false sense of superiority about him, “rumor has it you guys have been flashing a lot of money around these parts, asking a lot of questions. Well as you would imagine, that doesn’t sit will with Mr. Bell, it makes him uneasy. So I come to you guys with a choice, we don’t want to know what you guys are into, we just want a piece of it. Figure it’s the least you can do after we let you stay in this wonderful apartment all this time. So either you cut is in on some of that money, or my associates will have to do something not so nice to you, if you know what I mean,” as he said this, he motioned down the hall where a couple of large angry looking men were standing, guns clearly visible in their waistbands.

Of course, there really was no decision to be made, none of them were too keen on getting on the wrong side of the mob, plus this was the chance they were looking for, an opportunity to meet people who could help them out. The only problem was that they weren’t ‘into’ anything, and after a few months the cash started to dry up. They weren’t making any headway with the Pegorino family either, they only ever met Junior once a week to pay him, and they could tell right away he carried no weight. So they quickly found themselves in a jam, in need of some quick money, and a meeting with someone who could actually help.

The answers all came rushing to them one night when Mac, resorting to what he did best, back room poker games to make some money, got into it with the wrong people. After taking a couple guys for a few grand, they refused to pay and called him a cheat, chasing him out and threatening to kill him if he came back. Well, when you’re desperate and need to pay the mob, you do things you normally wouldn’t do, even if you may regret them later, which is exactly what happened. Mac called Tommy and Naps up and told them what happened, and then they did the only thing they could think of, waited outside in the shadows that night, and when the men emerged visibly drunk, they jumped them. The unsuspecting men stood no chance, caught completely off guard, and were beaten without getting so much as a punch in. Wallets taken and money received, they thought they were in the clear and headed home, unaware that they were being followed by the men’s friends who had been waiting in a car down the street when they saw it all happen.

Although they didn't know it at the time, things were about to get a lot more interesting...

bmx rule
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#113

Posted 30 September 2008 - 10:37 PM Edited by bmx rule, 03 October 2008 - 03:56 AM.

there a no new things purchased for this story
================================

Chapter Four
An Assassin On The loose

pegorinos mansion

I woke up at 6:00 my alarm should have woke me at 5:00 I looked at the alarm clock to see a bullet hole in it. I slowly got out of bed and walked around the mansion where was pegorino I walked to his room and found a note and read it muttering

If you are reading this your obviously awake now I went to a deal in the actor industrial park I thought that if I was going to wait for you to wake up the deal would be over I left you a colt.45 on your dresser and took the other in case any sh*t happened, better be ready huh even you say that ha-ha I am suspicious about these guys I left a sentinel in the car port and make sure you that if you go out turn the security on the code is1766 I don’t know where from but iv I got the Idea for that number but iv remembered the number since I was little and cant seem to forget it.

Signed pegorino

P.S rip this sheet up after reading so no one gets the code.

I looked up and thought about all the gangs that had tried to attack and kill pegorino, but pegorino would of gone with others though I better go and see if anything bad happens I walked to the front door and stopped I turned back to the note grabbed it and tore it up and threw it in the bin I walked to the front door again and set the alarm the cameras started to turn and there was beep, beep, beep echoing through the mansion as I closed the door and locked it I got into the sentinel and weaved through the black car wrecks.

When I got to the deal I snuck up into a wrecked building a watched the deal I saw that one of pegorinos men walked away from pegorino I got out my phone and punched I pegorinos phone numbers ready for something to happen the guy pulled down his pants and started to do a piss on a tree when someone leapt from behind the tree and attacked him I hit dial I watched as pegorino put up his hand as to say hold on a second, I told him I was in the building so there was proof and told him his mate was attacked he told me to hold my fire until he gives a sign, so I waited gun aimed straight down at the team, pegorino turned his hand and put his thumb I instantly knew to fire I pulled the trigger and pegorino drew out his gun out and fired, and I watched as the assassin snuck away thinking I should have put a full clip in.

I got down from the top of the building and me and pegorino got in the sentinel
“thanks for coming man, I could have been killed’’ pegorino said as I started the car
‘’no probes’’ said turning out of the driveway
‘’look if you want some thing ill get it for you all right ‘’ pegorino said in a deep voice
‘’well I want my car back’’ I said
Pegorino agreed to buying me a new car.

When we got back to the mansion there was a note on the door pegorino pulled it off and said why did you put the note for the on door I said tear it up and chuck it in the bin, I did read it:

To Pegorino
Your lucky you got out of the deal alive I could of killed you but that assassin of yours found me first. Tell the kid I will hunt him down slice his head of and nail it to a wall haha. Oh and pegorino don’t try protecting the kid will ya other wise your dead, but any way you will be next to die.

Signed assassin

‘’holy sh*t kid your gonna be killed in an assassins way’’ pegorino said opening the door
‘’ha in your wildest dreams’’ I said walking into the mansion I knew if I was gonna be killed it wouldn’t be by an assassin and I just hope pegorino doesn’t get in the way.

Every night after reading that note I slept with my gun in a pocket and my hand on it ,one morning I woke up to find a bullet hole in my pants. Then night came I looked at my ceiling to see some thing move I turned to see an assassin knife aimed at my throat I knew that I could escape this though I felt the world slow I didn’t understand what the assassin was saying until bang life went at its usall speed I looked over pegorino had shot the assassin I got up as the assassin escaped I had to go after the assassin now or he will kill pegorino so I chased him down the long driveway and smack he was hit by a car I ran under the falling body and drew out my and held it up and the body landed on the knife, I had to kill the civilian or they would call the cops I walked back towards the mansion and went to bed thinking that an assassin means a new gang will want to kill us.


Bill2451
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#114

Posted 01 October 2008 - 02:13 AM

from what I understand, your only supposed to be doing 1 story a day maximum

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#115

Posted 01 October 2008 - 02:15 AM Edited by ~PhusioN~, 01 October 2008 - 04:39 AM.

Mmm, we've warned you about it before BMX. We made your two over stories invalid, so I'm only marking and including Chapter 3.

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#116

Posted 01 October 2008 - 02:22 AM

Master: $43
Welcome: $37, you are getting a lot better.
bmx: This is your second warning, third strike and you're out of here. $24 for your third chapter.
Bill: $44, very good.

Phusion

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#117

Posted 01 October 2008 - 09:14 AM

nothing purchased in this chapter
==========================

Chapter Five
A Platypuses Death

pegorinos mansion


The next morning I got up at 5:00am and went into the hall to see pegorino he said that he has a job for me and I will be ranked to assistant after doing it, he said he would give me a call, but he said he would need to get me back up so we left the house I went into the garage and started the sentinel and drove off I got a call from pegorino several hours later he said for me to meet the back up at the ware house down the street.

When I got to the ware house several sentinels were parked outside I entered
youre here great, great this is Paul and Jackson pegorino said
great nice to meet ya guys I said walking forward to sit on the chair
OK, Niko, Nikolai arrived here on the platypus this morning I have tried getting down to the cellars and getting the guns for years but now im too old and you guys are going to succeed for me and I will give you something in return pegorino said turning his head side to side.

Me and my new team got into my sentinel and I drove them to the platypus. We arrived at the platypus and boarded we went in to the main body to find guys every where trying to get the guns or guarding them. We fired our colts and killed them, we went up to the control room when a guy grabbed Jackson and slit his throat
Jackson me and Paul yelled Paul then shot the guy in the head several times and got to the ground hes dead I said watching him
dont you care your team mates dead Paul said starring at me
it happens I said as Paul got up
your right he said
lets get going I said walking down the stairs as Paul followed.

We jumped down into the cellars guys were every where we walked forward knifing people so that no one knew we were here then a guy fired the gun went off and smack it hit a box we fired back we kept firing until they were all dead except for one that was planting a bomb we saw him as he set it off beep, beep, beep echoed through the cellar the guy said
ha-ha you could kill me but not the bomb he said running off outwards me and Paul got the guns I picked up a watch and set a countdown for the bomb I got of the platypus and Paul gave the guns to me I then loaded them in the truck and Paul walked back he said he heard something then there was banging coming from the top I ran on and helped Paul take out the last of them he got off while I finished them then with two seconds left I ran to the edge one jumped boom I jumped away from the exploding boat and landed on the truck
now thats some action movie sh*t!! Paul said looking at me
thanks I said my watch beeping at 0:00, me and Paul then got into the truck and looked at the burning platypus that was sinking just off the dock we drove off when we got back to the rendezvous point and Paul gave me his number I then added it to my phone book and gave him my phone number we got out and called pegorino to the back of the truck
nice work guys your prize ill give you tomorrow.
*****************************************************************
Nikkos life
Roman: Niko, Niko the platypus was just blown up.
Nicko: what, Ill kill who ever did that my friend I met on the boat lived on it.

sorry guys about the post on the same day i posted the first as i got up and i forgot i posted it i promise i wount do it again, but please include 4 because i had to right it over again because my cousin deleted it and someone emptied the recycling bin just because i stepped on her fake dog.

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#118

Posted 04 October 2008 - 02:14 AM

It's been a bit inactive for the past two days, expect a story later today or early tomorrow biggrin.gif

WelcomeToLibertyCity
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#119

Posted 04 October 2008 - 10:35 PM

QUOTE (bmx rule @ Sep 30 2008, 03:54)
QUOTE (WelcomeToLibertyCity @ Sep 29 2008, 19:33)



im sorry one more thing i dont understand is:


I relaxed on my deck as the warm sun shined in my face and sipped a cold glass of water. I peered over at my cell phone which was lying on the table beside me, ringing loudly.

you relaxed on the ground or on your desk

i just realized that was wrong, i emant to say i relaxed in my chair on the deck

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#120

Posted 06 October 2008 - 12:52 PM

bmx rule

$18.

Sloppy and mediocre.
QUOTE
...pegorino...

Pegorino is capitalised.
QUOTE
... house several sentinels were parked ...

Sentinels would be capitalised since it's the name of a vehicle.
QUOTE
Jackson me and Paul yelled Paul then shot the guy in the head several times and got to the ground hes dead I said watching him

This should be:
QUOTE
"Jackson! Paul and I yelled. Paul then shot the guy in the head several times and got to the ground. Hes dead, I said watching him.

These sort of errors are okay once or twice, but it gets very annoying. You should have learnt this sort of thing in school. Don't think that just because you are on an internet forum, you can type stories sloppily. Would you turn in an essay that was full of bad capitalisation, poor grammar, and misplaced commas? No? Well then, don't do it here.

About the story itself, there definitely is room for improvement.
QUOTE
ha-ha you could kill me but not the bomb he said.."

Instead of the odd-sounding "haha", you could have put.
QUOTE
"You could kill me, but not the bomb," he laughed..


Also, most of the dialogue went like 'he said.. I said.. he said..' This is incredibly bland and you should vary it a little. Listen to the advice that the other staff and people like WelcomeToLibertyCity have given you.

-radicell.




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