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Falcon

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Eminence
  • Eminence

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#1

Posted 21 August 2008 - 02:20 AM Edited by Eminence, 16 January 2009 - 09:12 AM.

For now...

Eminence
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#2

Posted 21 August 2008 - 02:26 AM Edited by Eminence, 16 January 2009 - 09:10 AM.

For now...

Oxidizer
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#3

Posted 21 August 2008 - 02:28 AM

EEE minence ! biggrin.gif

Brilliant idea. Can't wait to see how it plays out.

cool.gif

Vercetti21
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#4

Posted 21 August 2008 - 03:45 AM

That was awesome!

The way you described the alley scene reminded me a lot of the hotel double murder story you wrote awhile back. The violence, emotion, darkness - it's all there, and it's what makes the story, for me, so likable. Can't wait to follow this up with future updates, bro. icon14.gif

Eminence
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#5

Posted 21 August 2008 - 03:48 AM

I hadn't thought of that, but I can see the similarity actually. A whole piece built around that one moment - all of the violence expressed in that one, tiny little piece of description, in quite a similar way. Unintentionally, mind.

Or was it? ph34r.gif


Thanks for the feedback anyway, it's much appreciated! I intend to try and keep this flowing well, along with the character updates in The Letifer Organization. It remains to be seen if, and how, I'll interweave the two canons.

Chickstick
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#6

Posted 21 August 2008 - 11:17 PM

QUOTE (Eminence @ Aug 21 2008, 03:20)
I made it so that he wouldn’t be able to see me; smell me; hear me – before he took that final breath. I made it so that he wouldn’t be able to take that final breath.

Perhaps that passage would flow better with "take" from the latter sentence in italics, emphasised? Regardless, I'm probably conjouring mistakes out of thin air.

The flow of the piece was superb. It keeps the reader following intently until the very end, always of course an indication of the high quality of the writing.

Eminence
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#7

Posted 21 August 2008 - 11:25 PM

Eek, you've actually spotted a tiny mistake in the transition of this piece, to be honest. That's how I wrote it in Word itself - and, as you managed to pick up, that's how it was intended - unfortunately, I seem to have forgotten to code it when I transferred it to the forum itself. I remembered to italicize the University bit, but that slipped my mind - thanks for pointing it out! smile.gif

Thanks for the compliment, too, and I'm glad you enjoyed the piece. I appreciate your comments, and I hope any further additions to this story will keep you equally interested!

Lochie_old
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#8

Posted 22 August 2008 - 03:08 PM

Excellent, he is going to kick some major ass.

As V said, I can't wait for updates.

Wanted Assailant
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#9

Posted 22 August 2008 - 05:14 PM

I read this yesterday, but didn't have much time to comment. I can only mumble such words, and the story dragged me until the end. Speechless because of brilliance, man.

Eminence
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#10

Posted 24 August 2008 - 03:59 PM

QUOTE (~PhusioN~ @ Aug 22 2008, 16:08)
Excellent, he is going to kick some major ass.

As V said, I can't wait for updates.

My first plan is, when some new targets get posted, to write an assassination using the character in the Letifer Organization. From there, I'm going to add updates to this particular story in order to flesh out the background of the character more, hopefully.

Again, thanks for the comments, guys. smile.gif

mark-2007
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#11

Posted 24 August 2008 - 05:30 PM Edited by mark-2007, 24 August 2008 - 05:37 PM.

I'm really looking forward to the Letifer stories from you. I like the casual narrative thing you have going on, makes it more personal or something, reads well.

I didn't get the end that much though. So since that first murder, he's been studying ever since? Does that mean murdering more people or does it just mean watching people and their habits? Also, does "Now, I'm ready to teach" mean there'll be an accomplice?

Eminence
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#12

Posted 24 August 2008 - 06:10 PM

QUOTE (mark-2007 @ Aug 24 2008, 18:30)
I didn't get the end that much though. So since that first murder, he's been studying ever since? Does that mean murdering more people or does it just mean watching people and their habits? Also, does "Now, I'm ready to teach" mean there'll be an accomplice?

Good observations. You're somewhat along the right lines, yes. As may be fairly obvious, this isn't a one-shot, so the further instalments will be there to explain what happens after this first murder; they're there to explain how he went from basically a murdering student caught up in something way over his head, to becoming a skillful, proficient and trained assassin. He's learned here what he wants to do in life - kill people - so the next step is to learn how to do so efficiently. It's all left intentionally vague so that you need to follow the story in order to find out.

Regarding the 'teach' thing, no, not necessarily. The learning implies that he's been an apprentice in some form - whether using his skills of observation or learning through experience is up for debate - however, 'teach' is meant in more of a metaphorical term. He's no longer a student, he's ready to show what he can do, and 'teach people a lesson', if you will - he's ready to assert his own authority on the world and rise up to the top-level of assassins. I'm glad to see your deeper interest in the character, though, as opposed to taking in what's there on the surface! smile.gif

Eminence
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#13

Posted 06 January 2009 - 09:25 PM Edited by Eminence, 16 January 2009 - 09:10 AM.

For now...

Ziggy455
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#14

Posted 06 January 2009 - 09:29 PM

Wow I love this!

It's amazing how you describe it so simple yet it still sounds amazing!

icon14.gif

TheJonesy
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#15

Posted 06 January 2009 - 09:34 PM

I love you man...

How many Hail Mary's did you have to say as a kid to be this good?

Oxidizer
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#16

Posted 06 January 2009 - 09:39 PM

Oh, I love Raúl.

This is one of your best pieces to date I feel, and franchise. It was all in complete character and his coldblooded professionalism and even enjoyment in the job he performs is just awesome.

Wicked job. icon14.gif

Canofceleri
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#17

Posted 07 January 2009 - 12:14 AM

Em, this is very well written. Excellent sensory details, your phrasing is spot-on. One of my favorites from you.

saltinespike
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#18

Posted 07 January 2009 - 03:00 AM Edited by saltinespike, 07 January 2009 - 03:04 AM.

Seemed quite gramatically flawless, I'll give you that. The problem with your work, and this is not a first, is that you seem so focused on making sure the adjectives, metaphors, and variety of words is there, which really makes you stray from the point of your story. The piece was saturated in words that I felt weren't needed. Of course the vivid nature of the piece was for effect, but as the overuse of it becomes an exhausting effort, the effects soon become for the explanation itself. Basically, the plot seemed to revolve around the explanation of it. The plot of this story accounted for perhaps 20% of the piece.

So it becomes bland and slow-moving and dull, almost plotless. The assassination, for example, lacked any excitement. I will definitely be tuning in to see if you can somewhat limit your description and pick up on action (if you do plan to continue). You just look like you're trying to ensure the puncuation, grammar, spelling, etc. is correct more than you are trying to ensure the emotion is met and the plot is enticing and things like that. Just think about it for me. smile.gif

Eminence
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#19

Posted 07 January 2009 - 03:22 AM

Thanks for the input, man. I understand quite completely what you're saying - although I assure you, the process of writing it didn't revolve entirely around structuring just the linguistic devices. tounge.gif

Although, I see the problem you've encountered, and how it may appear slow-paced, with little action really unfolding. I don't know, perhaps that's always been my style - I like things vivid, like to include a lot of detail on the smallest of actions, as opposed to having a piece where 20 things take place and yet they're all skimmed over and you don't really take a single one of them in because they happened so quickly. So I guess something I should look at developing is balance between the two.

Saying that, though, perhaps length has something to do with it. Perhaps my writing style is something you would find more in a novel, and not a short story - which doesn't compliment this sort of piece too well, I guess, as it is only a short story, after all, and therefore everything has to be squeezed into that small space. My point being, I'm sure you wouldn't complain about too much description or pacing, or a general lack of events, for example, if the whole thing were there, and the events actually did unfold - as opposed to only seeing a segment where nothing has really happened yet. If you were to look at a novel, for example, there are often pages upon pages of slow-burning detail about small actions - how many actual events take place in them? It's not event after event after event, because the authors take so much time in revealing the details of everything and fleshing them out - something that takes time and detail and, in the grand scheme of things when reading an entire text, it wouldn't seem as though the whole 'proportion' was off.

Another thing is that with this piece, a lot of it is fleshing out the background, piecing together the vivid memories that make everything up. Although, as I've said, maybe everything's to do with balance - and maybe I don't quite have that here, so it's something I'll have to look at working on for any subsequent installments - especially for you!

Frank stated a little while ago that you should leave the writing to explain itself, so I guess I shouldn't have just said all that. But I guess I like to go into detail, don't I? wink.gif

As for the other feedback, it's deeply appreciated - I enjoy hearing all responses to the piece.

Frank, I thank you for detailing what it is you like, as it allows me to see what I'm doing right - if these sensory details are being implemented well, perhaps I then need to continue to incorporate those, but look at enhancing the balance of action against description, developing the plot as well as the background - I'll look into it.

Andy - I'm glad you're enjoying the character and the series altogether, you're probably the biggest supporter of young Raúl. tounge.gif If nothing else, I guess you're onto that one fact above anything else - the whole thing does revolve around this guy, and so maybe the development of the plot is the development of the character; maybe the entire action of the story is simply the detail that goes along with him. That's one interpretation, at least.

Jonesy, I'm flattered with the praise, truly. Although I can assure you, the number is zero - and I still am a kid, in the grand scheme of things. wink.gif

Oh, and I'm actually very close to finishing Part III. It may be up sooner than expected.

saltinespike
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#20

Posted 07 January 2009 - 04:25 AM

Yes, I understand, but you must understand the reader base you are writing to. Those WD regulars who do enjoy novels (which omits quite a few members as it is) often enjoy books which are full of action. Me personally? I can't stay awake through a story that's boring or dull or not going anywhere. What I'm noticing with this piece is that if it was ever to turn into a full-length story, it would take a herendous amount of time to achieve a grand finale, assuming there was to be one.

Perhaps it is just me, though; I'm a firecracker, as many have been able to predict by my writing style. I enjoy epic, action on action excitement, while still trying to balance the character's actions with the description of it. I can see a mellow man enjoying this though. It's a balance in life as well. Establish your writing style and the correct fan base will surely follow.

Eminence
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#21

Posted 07 January 2009 - 04:28 AM

Yeah, I gotcha. Maybe, if nothing else, I should try to experiment by cutting down on the detail and trying to include something more fast paced and ferocious - mabye for the SSOTM. Once again, thanks for the criticisms - it's something I'll definitely start to think about and take into account when I'm writing. smile.gif

Oxidizer
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#22

Posted 07 January 2009 - 06:50 AM

I'll be honest, what Ryan pointed out was exactly what I meant with my feedback to your latest SSOTM entry. But having said that, I've come to learn that this is and always has been your trademark style, and I can appreciate that - a lot. And this style of writing, like I said in my feedback to Fall From Grace, is in complete character to Raúl.

In short, I may have been right in thinking your style is quote/unquote 'clinical' ( wink.gif ) but I was wrong in thinking that was a bad thing.

Don't change your style. icon14.gif

Eminence
  • Eminence

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#23

Posted 08 January 2009 - 06:58 PM Edited by Eminence, 16 January 2009 - 09:10 AM.

For now...

Oxidizer
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#24

Posted 08 January 2009 - 07:22 PM

You've done it. You've created the best assassin franchise on WD - period.

Learning about and exploring Los Supresores and Raúl's origins was platinum; they're both as ruthless as each other. I love that Falcon's now at the top of the organization's hit list and I love his arrogance of acknowldging that he's one of their finest killers. colgate.gif

I'm hyped for Part IV!

Craig
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#25

Posted 08 January 2009 - 07:41 PM

I've always found first person writing hard to read and even write myself, but this seems to flow well. I think it may be the personal influence, and I'll show you what I mean:

QUOTE
Or is it simply the natural course of events between amicable acquaintances – or, should I say, strict business associates? Or – and I daren’t not think about this – has the old fool finally blown his chances, finally stepped out of line, said something stupid; has the organization turned on him...


In this section, I could have imagine someone saying this to me as I read it. That's a very hard thing to achieve in my opinion and you do it well. There's also a real degree of character exploration here; they feel real, or at least as real as the personality of an assassin can be anyway! In general I find the piece absorbing and enjoyable, and I await more. icon14.gif

Oh, before I go, I love this as an ending; there's just something about it.

QUOTE
Ah, one more thing. If you have yet to figure it out, the name of the organization, Los Supresores, is Spanish for The Suppressors.

How apt.

Vercetti21
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#26

Posted 08 January 2009 - 08:05 PM

Just read the last two chapters and it's awesome. For the first time ever, I honestly don't know how to critique this. Your writing, particularly the vividness of the imagery, is beyond anything I could ever dream of writing, much less criticize. I can sit here and tell you how good this piece is, but I know it won't help. Really, I don't know what to say other than keep updating. I'm fascinated by the character you've created and his situation.

After skimming over the earlier discussion between you and Ryan, I was hesitant to pick sides as I see something beneficial to the piece on both sides of the fence. Contrary to Ryan, I actually enjoyed the slow pace of the assassination scene and the description of every little thing, right down to adding the silencer to his weapon. It works with the character, as he's extremely observant and fascinated by his profession. The scene didn't need to fly by to capture the excitement of the assassination; instead, it was defined by the vivid, minuscule details our anti-hero experiences as he carries out the hit. Then again, I noticed a pick-up in the pace of the action in part 3, and I enjoyed it as well. I'd say just keep working for that balance, but I honestly saw nothing wrong with the way you were writing before.

On a side note, I keep seeing Falcon's character as a mixture between Agent 47 and Jason Bourne. Like 47, he's ruthless, powerful, very reserved. But like Bourne, he's smart. He likes to plan out everything and takes note of every detail to strive for perfection. Just makes for a very interesting and unique assassin.

Eminence
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#27

Posted 08 January 2009 - 08:18 PM

Thanks for the comments guys, I'm glad you're all enjoying it thus far. I've made a plan for 10 chapters, which will round the piece off and bring it full circle. I trust you've notice the non-chronological pacing?

I intend to keep trying to blend the two styles together, Vercetti, and I'm glad you noticed the slight change in tone and pace. I get what you're saying about the balance, so I'll definitely try to keep that up. Andy, I also appreciate your comments about not changing the style; I realise that, despite the need for pacier action at times, the piece is the style and so I need to keep that consistent.

As I've mentioned to you, Craig, I'm glad you like the characterisation - again, I think that's the focal point of the piece, so I'm glad it's working well. I'm working on part 4 as we speak, no ETA just yet, though. We'll see how it goes. smile.gif

Eminence
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#28

Posted 09 January 2009 - 05:24 PM Edited by Eminence, 16 January 2009 - 09:10 AM.

For now...

Oxidizer
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#29

Posted 09 January 2009 - 05:46 PM

Loved the harkening back to and 'flashback' of Raúl's murdered lady as the opening to this one. Makes us remember what this is all about and how it started.

This was also the first time I believe that there was actual dialogue in the Falcon series, so this chapter's also important for that reason too; Eduardo's test and the theme of significance was a complex one but also incorporates the overall theme of the story nicely.

Altogether, another stellar piece of the Falcon story. colgate.gif

Vercetti21
  • Vercetti21

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#30

Posted 10 January 2009 - 01:25 AM Edited by Vercetti21, 10 January 2009 - 01:27 AM.

I enjoyed the flashback, kept the emotion tied in with what's going on in the present. The dialog, as well, was very well-presented. As Oxi has pointed out, this is the first time we've seen dialog in this series. I was a bit worried we wouldn't be seeing any, and it would have felt awkward if it were introduced at an even later time in the story.

QUOTE
Out of the corner of my eye, I can see him turn his towards me...

Turn his what? tounge2.gif

The description, as always, is excellent, particularly in the scene with the gun and the tense mood throughout. I will admit, though, that at times the piece feels a bit too saturated with detail. As we've already discussed, just keep working towards that balance between description and actions, and perhaps try to spread the description evenly throughout the piece rather than soaking several different paragraphs at a time. I'm also a bit turned off by the fact that the piece is not chronological, as it's a tedious routine to have to tie in each chapter with the others at the right place. The exception to this, however, would be if the chapters were organized by theme, but as of now I am still looking for the pattern you're following.

Really great job overall. Though I feel some of your other chapters are better than this one, I love how the series is shaping up as a whole. I realize that each chapter contributes to the characterization of Falcon, so I'd say that as long as you keep introducing new elements into the mix - and develop them - this piece will round off very nicely.




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