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Hamburger, The chronicles of

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AfroDonJ0n
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#1

Posted 05 October 2007 - 05:34 PM Edited by AfroDonJ0n, 10 October 2007 - 01:56 PM.

Hamburger, The chronicles of


user posted image


Michael Hamburger: A hopeless, lost cause. Psychopath.

Warning: This story contains scenes of an intense and almost pointless graphic nature, of: sadism, torture, malpractice, rape, murder, and everything inbetween and beyond.


May, 1986.

Chapter 1/2: Summer Lovin'


"Something so beautiful, so light and pure should always be dancing on sun-lit stars," Michael whispers to himself, sitting on his bed and looking out the window at the moon, glowing in the atlantic sea-like midnight sky. He stands up, slowly walking towards the window and delicately putting his palm on the crystal clear glass, as if his hand had become the moon in the sky; the intense silver auroa coating the outside of his fingers like angel wings. His eyes begin to water at the sheer beauty: "I just want to have sex with the moon..."

Michael weeps as his bedroom door is violently kicked from the hatches by his father eating a seven kilogram tub of plain vanilla yogurt.

"Boy! Tomorrow is the big dance and you haven't got yourself a date! I'm asha--"

Michael's father slips on a big black dildo laying in wake beside now broken splinters and chunks of wood from Michael's door. His father lands throat-first onto the floor and starts coughing so violently as he rolls around on the floor that it gives Michael an erection.

"Father!" Michael says, ecstatically jumping for joy as his father coughs up yogurt. "You sound like you have Bronchitis, father!" Michael begins jumping up and down, dancing around his father. His father's eyes burst, his lungs float into his liver and that's the end of that.

---

Just another day at John F. Kennedy secondary school for fifteen-year-old Michael Hamburger. Not quite able to fit in with the cool kids, not quite able to fit in with the smart kids, not quite able to fit in. His dream to become a doctor was slowly slipping away from him now that his father, who never believed in his dreams anyway had passed onto the next life.

A bell tolls through the halls and Michael makes his way to his English Literature class, respectively.

Michael sits alone as kids sit around the classroom like a pack of wolves, calously snickering at Michael. One stouty ginger haired boy throws a piece of rolled up paper at the back of Michael's head. Michael looks behind him; the group acting as if it never happened. He reaches his sweaty palm down to the plain grey carpeted floor and picks the ball up. He unfolds it carefully: 'fa**ot' is written on the paper in big, bold red letters. Michael scrunches the paper back up and eats it.

After Michael finishes his last sentance, the bell tolls and it's finally time for lunch. He makes his way to the caféteria, alone. One thing keeps playing on his mind, and that's what his now deceased father said last night. He realises this could be his one chance, his one big break to finally make it in this school. Michael Hamburger was going to find a date!

Standing in line, waiting for a sloppyjoe burger with honey mustard soaking through the stale, out-dated bun, he sees a foreign exchange student who only arrived last week. He attempts to cut through the line to get to her, but boys and girls alike all shove him to the burning cold wooden floor below, covered in pubic lice and kidney failure.

Everyone gets a good laugh before Michael is helped up by the foreign exchange student. He stands tall and as proud as he can get as she smiles at him, flicking the long golden locks out of her deep and sensual brown eyes. Michael stares into her eyes for what feels to him like an eternity. She grips him by the hands and smiles; she's found herself a man for the dance.

"I like your boobies!" Michael blurts out, as her face glomps into a failed psilocybin-trip state. She begins to run off before a tall, well-built man rugby tackles her through a wooden table, dreadlocking her spinal cord and bursting her thoracic diaphragm.

Michael declares to himself it would be pointless to help her up. Not because she might forgive him, but because she's about six minutes and twenty-four seconds from death.

---

Michael holds his head in his hands as he walks home with his Foxy Brown backpack strapped smartly to his back.

"How do I find a date? I'm a doctor for pete's sake!"

Michael stops at McDonald's on the way home and orders a new thing on the menu: a burger with cheese! He wharfs it down in four and scurries on home. Arriving, he sees his mother rocking back and forth in her chair on the lawn, knitting a sweater for her cat. He doesn't bother to acknowledge her, and the response is mutual on her end.

He climbs through the window of his room and lands on his desk, breaking his Hulk Hogan action figure and rolling onto his feet. He catches a glimpse of himself in the mirror: brown tuxedo from the sixties, pink under-shirt, shocking yellow tie, balding. He couldn't understand why no girl would wish to go to the dance with him.

He hears a knock on the door. "Mum, you fa**ot tits," he yells. A knock once again. Michael has a knack for answering the door and spitting and possibly biting whoever is on the other side, so he prepares himself. He yanks the door open and sees a cute twelve-year-old girl in a girlscout uniform with a box of cookies in her hands.

"Hi, mister. I'm se--"

Before she could finish her exceptionally good marketing skills which made her Junior Scout of the Year two times in a row, Michael violently grabs her by the pigtails and yanks her inside, slamming the door with his left foot.

"You're hired!" he says, frantically trying to re-attach the hair he pulled from the roots of her head.

"What do you mean, mister?" she questions, beginning to cry.

Michael starts kicking her like a football into his room as she shrieks and cries in terror with each and every boot to her theigh and ribs. He locks his bedroom door and puts his finger on his lips.

"Shh, shh. Don't worry, I'm a doctor! I can re-attach that hair to your skull. I just need a jacknife!" The girl begins panicking and tries to make a break for it out the open window by his desk. She slips on the yogurt his father spewed from his gastric bowels before death and lands knee-first into the floor, instantly causing the bone to pop out her shin. She begins crying and screaming like a banshee before Michael finds his trusty jacknife. He turns her over onto her back and peers inside her leg, seeing her muscles. He digs the jacknife in and begins cutting the muscles like strings on a guitar.

"We're going to have to reroute the entire central nerve system in your leg! There is no time to put you under! Oh wait, yes there is." Michael thumps her on the head with his fist. This only causes her to cry louder. He continues to thump her in the brain until both of her eye sockets shatter and her cheek bones replace her back teeth. Michael sees she's unconcious and gets back to work.

---

She died, obviously.

Michael rocks back and forth, cradling himself in his arms, clenching the girl's muscles in his hands. The jacknife is sticking out her brain, which is visable on eye-contact with the girl and half of her intestines are being used as a belt around Michael's trousers. He can't understand why he couldn't save her. It was his dream. He stands up, and after a seventeen hour operation, he walks into his living room and picks up his phone and begins dialing.

"This time, I'm going to do it right."

He gets a response.

"Hi, 'Little Bakers'? Yes, hi, I'm doctor Hamburger of one-five-five of bullace close, and I'd like to request a purchase of some cookies. Delivery? Okay, I'll be in. Send someone right away. I'm hungry as a turnip."

norniron
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#2

Posted 05 October 2007 - 05:38 PM

Great job 'Afro' keep them coming TZ.

Oblivionz
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#3

Posted 05 October 2007 - 08:27 PM

Michael Hamburger
<3

Oxidizer
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#4

Posted 05 October 2007 - 09:35 PM

That... was fawkin' 'ilarious! I have no idea where this stuff comes from, but I'm grateful that you're sharing. Wow.

lol.gif Welcome home, Michael Hamburger!

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#5

Posted 05 October 2007 - 10:11 PM

Yay, Micheal is back.

inlove.gif

anus
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#6

Posted 05 October 2007 - 10:26 PM

Oh my god, that may be one of the funniest reads ever.

* Mikal bookmarks.

Are you going to be updating this thread or just make new topics?

TonyZimmzy
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#7

Posted 05 October 2007 - 10:30 PM

QUOTE (Desmosedici @ Oct 5 2007, 22:26)
Oh my god, that may be one of the funniest reads ever.

* Mikal bookmarks.

Are you going to be updating this thread or just make new topics?

I-- *cough*

I'm sure this young AfroDonJ0n fellow will keep all chronicles inside this one topic.

And that character picture of Michael Hamburger is very handsome, I think everyone can agree.

Ryunday
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#8

Posted 06 October 2007 - 03:57 AM Edited by Ryunday, 06 October 2007 - 09:47 AM.

QUOTE (TonyZimmzy @ Oct 5 2007, 22:30)
And that character picture of Michael Hamburger is very handsome, I think everyone can agree.

I will agree to that inlove.gif

lol Michael Hamburger is definitely one of the best characters I have ever seen. Good to see that your writing another story.

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#9

Posted 06 October 2007 - 09:37 AM

YAY, more sick demented stories from everyones favorite anti-hero Michael Hamburger.

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#10

Posted 06 October 2007 - 09:41 AM Edited by -/TNT\-, 06 October 2007 - 10:05 AM.

Lol, that was f*cking hilarious! Can't wait for more.

/bookmarks

TubbyJ
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#11

Posted 06 October 2007 - 03:22 PM

Keep it coming, this sh*t is dementedly hilarious.

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#12

Posted 06 October 2007 - 03:32 PM

I'm lovin' this, I could only dream of writing something as complex, detailed and downright funny. Good job. icon14.gif

norniron
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#13

Posted 10 October 2007 - 01:46 PM

Ehh I soo cant wait for chapter two come on Afro.

AfroDonJ0n
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#14

Posted 10 October 2007 - 01:57 PM Edited by AfroDonJ0n, 10 October 2007 - 02:00 PM.

May, 1986.

Chapter 2/2: Jaggerjack


Michael sits infront of a demented and battered cookie-jockey, what is commonly known as a 'Girlscout', but never to Michael. She's chained up in his room with seven other girls laying around her, dead. Michael holds a jacknife and digs it into his own cheek.

"I could of saved them, you know. But I saved you. I saved you..."

The girl feels the warm sensation of her own tears scouring down her cheeks; she's lost all feeling in her eyes from crying too much. She tries to howl through the silver stickytape over her mouth, but to no avail. Michael unchains her and holds her up, kissing her passionately on the mouth.

"You owe me a favour, for saving you..." Michael tenderly whispers into the girl's ear, nibbling her lobe.

"Anything, my hero," she deludes Michael with a false sense of security.

"Come to the dance with me tonight," he demands of her - not asking.

She nods her head gently and throws up all over Michael's wrists. Michael glares at her for a moment before snarling like a rampant beast and stamping on her shin; slicing the skin off like cheese on a cheese grater. She drops to the floor and weeps to herself as Michael hands her a rose-coloured dress for the dance.

---

They arrive at the dance. Michael is sporting dark shades and a yellow tuxedo with matching trousers. His 'date' is sporting a ruptured lung and internal bleeding, aswell as a brain hemorrhage. They walk past the staff alumni into the softly lighten hall; lovers dancing together to a Dusty Springfield classic. Michael drags the girl over to the punch bowl and pours her some strawberry goodness in a glass and forces it down her throat.

"And ladies and gentlemen, the dance-off will be beginning in five minutes! The best slow-dancing couple will be awarded a £100 gift certificate to Marty's Fishing Tackle Store! How 'bout that!? Yeah!"

Michael over-hears the principal speaking on the stage and grabs the pretty brown haired girl by the lips, opening them up and licking her teeth and swallowing her plaque.

"Mm," he licks his lips, "Your tooth decay is marvelous. But did you hear baby girl!? We could win that slow-dancing competition!" he grins in sheer excitement. He torques her by the arm onto the dance floor and begins snapping his fingers and grooving to the chillaxing jazz beats raining down over the hall.

After five minutes is up, the principal re-emerges and takes the stand.

"Our judges tonight, are lunch lady Borris, Miss Levesque the French teacher and our own local celebrity, Puff Powerstein, the world's strongest man!"

A few claps can be heard, as the music begins and the partners begin dancing. Michael begins sweating violently and before he can even force the girl into dancing with him she slips on his sweat and mutilates her leg so maliciously that the bone wrenching crack could be heard over the smooth waves of oceanic music beginning to play.

Everyone begins to comfort her as she screams in pain. She begins throwing up as teachers rush to the spot.

"She can still dance!" Michael begs and pleeds to staff and students.

Michael sees his chance slipping away; he has to act fast.

"She doesn't need the leg to dance!" Michael palms his jacknife and shoves a strawberry blonde haired girl out of the way and kneels down. He begins jaggerjacking the leg from the bone as everyone watches in horror. Two teachers grab him and tackle him to the ground, but it's too late - Michael's holding the leg which was goated off at the kneecap. He stands to his feet as everyone screams in pure horror.

The girl passes out from bloodloss.

Students begin running away and Michael begins slow-dancing with the severed leg in the middle of the dance hall. He rests his head against it and puts it easily on his shoulder and tenderly strokes it and closes his eyes.

"Just you and me now, baby. Just you and me."

Paramedics rush to the spot and grab the girl, beginning to lift her onto the gurney, Michael drops the leg and runs over to them both.

"Don't worry, I'm a doctor!"

Michael backflips onto the girl's head as she's piledriven into the harder-than-steel floor from half way in the air and out of the paramedic's hands. Her head drills into the floor and her neck deadbolts. She begins violently shaking and foaming at the mouth as Michael backflips onto her skull once more, crushing it with his pelvis and midsection.

One of the paramedics can't take the sight anymore and throws up all over Michael. Michael rips a chunk of the girl's hair out and lunges at the paramedic, stuffing maple brown hair into his retinas as he screams in horror. The other paramedic tries to help but gets jacknifed in the juggular.

Michael wrestles the paramedic to the floor and does a hand-stand over him. The paramedic can't see jack sh*t. Michael lets himself drop onto the paramedic's face, crushing him with all his weight, killing him.

Michael stands up, breathing heavily, he takes the severed leg and gets the f*ck outta there.

---

Michael arrives at the red-light district and goes into a cheap, battered motel holding the leg firmly to his side; his tuxedo covered in blood and bone marrow, and his face covered in bone speckle and cancerous moles.

He hands the counter-jockey a £50, as he looks on at Michael in disbelief.

"Get...get the hell outta here you...crazy little f*ck, Jesus!"

Michael swings the leg at the man, hitting him in the chops and putting him unconcious. Michael goes round the table and opens the man's mouth. He looks inside.

"I'm a doctor, but I've dabbled in dentistry aswell, baby," Michael says to the severed leg, trying to impress it. Michael bombs his elbow into the man's open mouth, causing his bottom left wisdom tooth to crack. He reaches into his mouth and rips it out. He offers it to the leg.

"Tooth, my lady?" he smiles. He kisses the leg then puts the tooth in his mouth and begins sucking it like a jawbreaker.

They arrive at room 5F. Michael goes inside and closes the door behind him and tosses the leg onto the bed, loosening his white tie and unbuttoning his flannel shirt.

"You're gonna take my virginity; you're special," he calmly says to the jaggedly torn off leg before crawling onto the cum dumpster of a bed. Michael sniffs the sheets and instantly smells aids. He gets aroused and begins stroking the leg.

"You're so beautiful. I think I love you..."

And so ends Michael Hamburger's highschool dance adventure. He realised his dreams as a doctor were closer than ever. Michael lost his virginity that night, and attempted to marry the severed leg at the age of sixteen years old, but he ate it instead. He couldn't resist the gangreen, tempting him with its gorgeous, sickly but sweet scent.

Michael raised enough cash to get into med school, but only for one year. Michael has a plan - a plan to get through med school with little to no money. Stay tuned, for the next exciting chapter in Michael's life.

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#15

Posted 10 October 2007 - 02:07 PM

Now that was a good story, can't wait for the next one.

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#16

Posted 10 October 2007 - 02:41 PM

Two chapters?
That all? sad.gif

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#17

Posted 10 October 2007 - 02:45 PM

QUOTE (poikly @ Oct 10 2007, 14:41)
Two chapters?
That all? sad.gif

Notice this is a chronicles of, bro. That means there will be more stories, but only two chapters of this part of the story.

The next parts will be set around 1990 in med school. Med school = lots of fancy, sharp tools, which = lots of body mutilation and plotless killing.

Thanks for the replies.

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#18

Posted 10 October 2007 - 02:49 PM Edited by Ryunday, 10 October 2007 - 02:58 PM.

Michael reminds me of Ricky Fitts from American Beauty. Except Michael's a lot darker and a hell of a lot funnier.

Keep up the writing.

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#19

Posted 10 October 2007 - 07:36 PM

Wonder what the leg tasted like. Anyone else have a strong craving for chicken legs?

Anyway, can't wait for the next part of the story.

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#20

Posted 10 October 2007 - 10:13 PM

That was f*cking great. I can't wait for the next chapter.


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#21

Posted 10 October 2007 - 11:32 PM

Best read in a good while. More! biggrin.gif

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#22

Posted 10 October 2007 - 11:40 PM

You, Ton...I mean, AfroDonJ0n, are a f*cking genius. I read your previous Michael Hamburger story before this one, and I have to say that these may be the funniest stories I've ever laid eyes on. I anxiously await your next addition to these "Chronicles".

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#23

Posted 13 October 2007 - 06:08 PM

The mental image of Michael "slow-dancing with the severed leg"...

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#24

Posted 13 October 2007 - 10:23 PM

This stuff is great! I love things that are completely zany and over the top! Write more!

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#25

Posted 16 October 2007 - 05:56 PM

QUOTE (TonyZimmzy @ Oct 10 2007, 14:45)
QUOTE (poikly @ Oct 10 2007, 14:41)
Two chapters?
That all?  sad.gif

Notice this is a chronicles of, bro. That means there will be more stories, but only two chapters of this part of the story.

The next parts will be set around 1990 in med school. Med school = lots of fancy, sharp tools, which = lots of body mutilation and plotless killing.

Thanks for the replies.

Wait, you are AfroDonJ0n? The whole time?!
Oh my God!

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#26

Posted 26 October 2007 - 10:25 AM

Great work

One of the funniest things i've read in a while

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#27

Posted 29 December 2007 - 03:16 AM Edited by AfroDonJ0n, 29 December 2007 - 03:19 AM.

I wrote this in about twenty minutes, basically from bordem and because this is why I made this topic; so I could post my random f*cking sh*te, be it long or short. Enjoy.

August, 1986.

Chapter 3: Big Rock


With a month remaining until Michael begins med school, Michael has packed everything he owns into a small white backpack and has set off on a new adventure: travelling!

"I'm going to walk from here to Finland and back again. This will be incredible. I've got it all planned out," he says to himself as he finished zipping up his brown leather jacket and strapping his bag tightly against his back. "I get to Finland, visit Big Rock, and wine & dine a local girl. I can tell her I'm a doctor; she'll love me."

Michael licks his thumb and holds it high in the air and grins as he feels no breeze in his non-ventilated bedroom. He sprints over to his wall and drop kicks it, rolling off and neatly landing back on his feet. Breathing heavily, he charges at his half-open window and dives through it, landing on the trimmed grass below.

"sh*t!" he screams aloud, enough so that the neighbors turn and look at him. "I've broken my god damned f*cking hip."

---

After being taken to the hospital and being bandaged up, Michael was well on his way to back packing to Finland. He has arrived in Stevenage, Hertfordshire.

"I made it," he says silently to himself, looking around at the busy street and people walking by in vests and thin t-shirts. "It took me a long time, but I've made it to Finland. Now, where's Big Rock?"

Michael's eyes buzz with delight as he looks to his left: "A local gym! Perfect! I can tone my abs and flirt with the local rapscallions! Maybe I'll get lucky and bag me a chronically obese bird." Michael opens the glass doors of the gym plaza and walks inside. He's comforted by "Band on the Run" by Wings as the air-conditioned breeze blows his hair back. He smiles at a girl at the counter, who briefly smiles back. Michael approaches her.

"What's this place then? Do you speak English honeybuns?"

"What?" she pulls back in her chair and chews hard on her thumbnail. "It's a gym with a casino on the bottom floor. On the top floor is a sports complex. Are you interested in membership, trial, or other?"

"I just want to tone my abs for you, babydoll," he grins at her. She is unamused. She rubs her forehead before pointing him towards the main exercise room. He strolls on through after winking at her. She looks over at him once more and he stops at the doorframe and flexes his meer 29cm bicep at her. She extends her middle finger and flips Michael off. Clouds of tears form in his eyes, but he bites his lip. "Man up, Michael. Man up."

He walks over to a man curling two 20kg barbells in each hand and stares at him. The man, after a few seconds eventually becomes irritated. "What do you want?" Michael stares at him for another few seconds before answering. "Can you show me how to do sit-ups?"

The guy smiles and obliges. He racks up the barbells and places a soft mat on the floor below his feet. "The trick is to suck your gut in," he says, assuring Michael. The buff specimen lays on his back and puts his arms behind his ears and closes his eyes and sucks his gut in.

Michael jumps into the air and frontflips onto the man's head, 189lbs viciously slamming the man's head into the mat, crushing it.

"BLJ'YH#;'URED;IJL'JLKHKHBSUIOHE," the man cries as his body begins jolting and gyrating, much like jellotine your grandma used to make you for your birthday when you were a scamp. Michael rolls off the man. The man's left leg is shaking violently as foam pours from each side of his mouth and his eyes roll back into his skull.

The mood shifts.

The pace changes.

Michael is holding a jacknife. Where the f*ck did this come from?

Michael runs at top speed back into reception. The woman who flipped him the bird earlier has her head down whilst yapping on the phone. Michael lunges through the air, gaining clean distance over her counter and stabs her in the side of the head. The jacknife breaks through her skull as Michael himself busts his hand on her computer and falls to the floor after being mid-flight in motion.

"AKLHEUWII4IW4UW48HKKHGHAJHSR]W#," she spits from her mouth as she drops the phone to the navy-carpeted floor. Her body slumps back into the chair as Michael stands up and grabs hold of the jacknife's handle. He yanks at it, hearing her skull grind as he does so. He presses his foot against her chair and pulls back, eventually ripping it out, chunks of skull still attatched to the knife.

Michael heads towards the stairs. He goes down.

Entering a casino, he looks around at all the depressed faces. A barmaid approaches a heavily fatigued Michael Hamburger: "Can I help you, sugar?" the raspy voiced old cow asks of Michael. "One gamble please!" Michael exclaims, holding up a shiny £2 coin. He begins throwing the coin and the jacknife in the air, juggling them. "Which way did he go!?" He stares at the barmaid blankly before headbutting her in the face.

She jolts back. "You animal!" she shrieks, as Michael jumps in the air and hits her across the jaw with his shinbone. He grabs her index finger on her left hand and rips it clean off. Upon hearing her cries for help, Michael becomes angered and shanks her forehead in half with the jacknife.

"I just want to get a good night's kip," he says to himself. Everyone flees for their lives as Michael starts kicking over random slot machines. "Michael Hamburger made it to Big Rock in Finland," he whispers quietly to himself as he drifts off to sleep.

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#28

Posted 29 December 2007 - 03:40 AM

You, my friend, are warped. There's no other word for it. inlove.gif

I found Mr. Hamburger rather cute in this chapter, though, and would like to see more of that guy soon! I request a blow-up doll.

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#29

Posted 29 December 2007 - 11:20 AM

Entertaing as always, but not enough needless violence for my tastes! Looking forward to the next chapter.




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