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one mans story

4 replies to this topic
dodgeme
  • dodgeme

    Vendetta

  • BUSTED!
  • Joined: 30 Dec 2004

#1

Posted 24 September 2005 - 09:22 PM

ok my first try at writeing so dont laugh here goes:

The introduction:

Nowhere town, centrall America: the place all people call home after what happened. My name James Walters or lt. James as everybody calls me. Iím the reason everything is happening.

Summer 1998:
6 years after the secret weapon is stolen by a crazy gang that usually hangs out by the old abandon airfield. Our mission retrieve the weapon at all cost.

Introduction chapter 1:

I and my squad went to the abandon airfield. Nobodyís home good sign. Until he joined the party. Some druggy named the truth he was holding the bomb. he said if we release him that he will not detonate it. I shod know than it wouldnít be that easy. Our sergeant said we shouldnít let him but its 3 against 1.we throw our weapons as he detonates the bomb and runs for the jetpack. We tried to stop him but he shots our sergeant and one of my best buddies. it was my fault I was no rooky I shod vote no and so would my buddy , nothing of this would ever happen .so I was left in command of prv. Luther Wang .A young recruit who didnít know what to do but I did. We must go to the bar who was our communication center. I took the hydra and flew as fast as I could

10 minutes after, the bar:

it was almost the closing time so the bar was empty strange. I head for the COM. unit and reported to area 69 commander of what happened .He ordered a immediate evacuation to all city. He said that everyone must cover themselves in oil in order so survive. Only the smartest one did it. That means of population of 10 700 000 only the 700 000 left that and half died because they didnít continue to do t for the next few days. only 350 000 left. I and private saved myself by flying quickly to the oil rigs.

chapter2. The gangs and cities:

A few months have passed after the explosion people started getting together into the communities. There are two types of communities: gangs and cities. Cities are where the week people lived. They look like big old time fortresses like Alamo. There are four standing posts and 2 little towers at the entrance. There stand brave individuals who volunteered to guard the city. Sense there is no more power for cities the power was pulling away from mines. Those mines fields are the main power source to the whole city. Therefore itís the ultimate good in the future. Me and many other individuals divided themselves into gangs. Gangs are brave man and woman groups who are discovering what left of place we used to call earth hoping dreaming that we will find some other source of power that we can use to power up the city. Gangs are divided into two groups. First one is called seekers. They are only called gangs because of the other group. They are the class who is above mentioned who seek the desert in search of something. There are few gangs like this including:
Former military order-my own gang itís whatís left of the military,
Seekers- a peaceful gang looking for something thatís left of their home, something that they can touch
Ghosts aka Shadows-this gang can be included in booth groups, they rob and seek leader unknown.
Second group is called bandits. Thereís not much too say about this group that you didnít already found out by hearing their name. Thatís all about communityís there is to say.

you can use it for mods or anything you want.More chapters comming soon

The-King
  • The-King

    [Rekt Intensifies]

  • The Connection
  • Joined: 26 Jan 2005
  • None

#2

Posted 24 September 2005 - 09:30 PM

............... Wow, just wow. I have no clue what you where trying to accomplish by that. The story is bleh, it's like reading a three year old's story. The amount of spelling and grammar errors make it impossible to understand, and it has an over cliched story-line (San Andreas).~TGK

beanmachine43
  • beanmachine43

    Gangsta

  • Members
  • Joined: 21 Feb 2005

#3

Posted 25 September 2005 - 12:02 AM

I can't really describe my feelings of the story. There were so many mispelled words, run-on sentences, and misplaced symobls, that it was basically unreadable. It's a testicale-crushing experience.

Now, don't just dumpt it; go back and revise. From what I could read, I liked. So, at least just look back and consider revising.

Iminicus
  • Iminicus

    Cyclop have 9 years

  • $outh $ide Hoodz
  • Joined: 18 Apr 2004

#4

Posted 25 September 2005 - 05:42 AM

I read two sentences and them became overwhelmed by the incorrect grammar. What you need to do is copy it to Word and run Spell Check. The, if need be, email it to me. I will proofread it for you and help with the paragraph construction and character building. Also, the lil' intro before the first chapter probably isn't need. Include that as Chapter 1.

Soul Survivor
  • Soul Survivor

    The King Is back and not leaving!

  • Members
  • Joined: 18 Sep 2005

#5

Posted 25 September 2005 - 06:19 PM

QUOTE (Iminicus @ Sep 25 2005, 05:42)
I read two sentences and them became overwhelmed by the incorrect grammar. What you need to do is copy it to Word and run Spell Check. The, if need be, email it to me. I will proofread it for you and help with the paragraph construction and character building. Also, the lil' intro before the first chapter probably isn't need. Include that as Chapter 1.

Same here.




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