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The Poems And Lyrics

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creed_rules
  • creed_rules

    Kaila

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  • Joined: 13 Mar 2002

#1

Posted 16 August 2005 - 07:56 AM

Okay, so I write poetry all the time, as well as lyrics. I've always wanted some constructive criticism so please, hit me with your best shot. Please note that a lot of these were written a while back when I was 11-12 (I am currently 14, turning 15 in a month). So if any grammer or anything is off, please tell me. Thanks in advance.

-Kaila

(NOTE: poems without names will simply be called "untitled")




QUOTE
"Distorted"
As I walk through this forest of misery
I have come across the burning tree of self-esteem
And somewhere in the raging flames
I find my soul crying for someone to wake me up from this dream

Frightened, I run as fast as I can
To somewhere only known to me as "perplexed"
I run straight into a circle of distorted mirrors
That leave my emotions confused and vexed

And now I find myself in a very familiar place
Called "on my knees curled into a ball"
And I notice that I知 no longer crying tears
Instead, I知 watching my whole sky fall

I tried to walk away from my life
But instead I did the contrary
And instead of dropping every burden
I added more to the many I already carry

And as if the hurt weren't already overflowing
The sorrow that tags along gives it excess
I carry the whole weight of the world on my back
As I watch my life start to regress

I am now caught in the deepest depth of my forest
Am and still running but cannot find a place to hide
I have no clue what is going on around me
As I see both of my worlds start to collide

And like watching a TV, I see my whole life
As it speeds by without me to drive
Somebody else has taken the wheel
And I wonder how in the hell I知 still alive

All the depression that defines my life
Turns into anger and fury
I知 an innocent kid on trial for treason
And have been elected for a spot on the grand jury

Through all the anger I haven't noticed
The burning tree of self-esteem's fire has suddenly spread
I have now burst into flame, screaming for help
And all the sudden, I wake up, safe and sound, tucked in my bed





QUOTE
"Untitled"
I must have written this story
at least a million times
I have said every word
In a different array of rhymes

Inevitably, I always say
that I知 all alone
and no matter how many people surround me
It痴 always something I condone

Because built around me
is a wall nobody can see
I've bounced every emotion off every wall
But still cannot manage to break free

So I have lost all motivation
because there is no use to try
and instead of wanting to get out
All I want is to die

So while I知 trapped in my corner
I値l give you my shoes to walk a mile
but please take your time
Because I知 gonna be here awhile

I値l write a journal of all my pain
and keep it right on my arm
because I would do anything
Just to cause myself harm

I will write of broken memories
and theses scars will sustain its name
but now I知 fed up with self-hurt
Because I still feel the same

There is too much bottled up inside
to write only on my wrist
but I will find another way
To make it so I no longer exist

I want everybody to know what they chose not to see
so I will write it in the deepest red
I hope you know that this is all your fault
And that should go without even being said

I hope you feel horrible that
you shrugged me off whenever I asked for aid
and even though I spelled it out
You ignored every cry for help I made

So now I will find some peace
in the pool of blood on the floor
and don't apologize you're much too late
because I can't hear you anymore




QUOTE
"The Price To Grieve"
Well hello my friend
I see we do meet again
I知 very sorry it's been so long
And I知 sorry our reunion is in this song

But we have drifted apart so very much
But even so I remember: everyday we used to have lunch
Your company was just enough to make my day
I used to love my life, but now what can I say

As the time changes, people do too
And once familiar faces become people you once knew
And yet I still wish that we weren't so far apart
And that we didn't go our separate ways, because I am without a heart

I used to believe in a thing called a soul-mate
And to this very day, I still believe they are your fate
Because one is not one without the other
They are almost like twins, but with a different mother

And since you left, there has been this sharp pain in my chest
And every night I used to lay awake, hoping I was still your best
I hoped you still remember your old best friend
The one that would be there to the very end

So one night I got this phone call from your mom at an un-godly hour
And when I heard what she had to say, my heart did shatter
She said that you had just taken your own life
They found my picture clenched to your heart, and beside it: a knife

You had that same pain in your chest, and I guess you made it stop
They found you in our old favorite place to be: your rooftop
As I heard this, it was just too much to swallow
And every ambition we once had, we could no longer follow

I am so very sorry for being so naive
But now I will pay the price: the price to grieve





QUOTE
"One Hundred Shades of Gray"
Every night I stare dead at this blank sheet of paper
And hope to write a poem not so clich
Not so emo, not about my broken heart
Not something in one hundred shades of gray

Instead, I write of the same thing every night
The same exact phrase, but in different words
Like saying I love you in a different language
Or saying pigeons instead of birds

I致e spent too much time on one topic
So tonight I won't write about love
Maybe I will write of my beliefs
How I don't believe in the man above

Maybe I can write of memory
All the good times and the bad
Every meaningless smile
How I hate my dad

Because I won't write about you
I already have one hundred songs starting to decay
And one hundred and one won't make you mine
I won稚 write in one hundred shades of gray






i have written plenty more, but there is a starter.

8ballsoffire
  • 8ballsoffire

    Over there!

  • The Precinct
  • Joined: 28 Apr 2002

#2

Posted 16 August 2005 - 02:03 PM

the first thing i noticed was that the rhymes sound very forced. you don't have to make all the words rhyme, it makes some of the lines cound really corny and as though you've been looking through a thesaurus to find words that make sense but also rhyme. i've not got enough time to read them all but i'll try to get back on tonight and finish the rest off. i really liked this stanza(is that the right word? it's been ages sionce i last done formal poetry)

And like watching a TV, I see my whole life
As it speeds by without me to drive
Somebody else has taken the wheel
And I wonder how in the hell I知 still alive


C.JB
  • C.JB

    ChainGang Soldier

  • BUSTED!
  • Joined: 16 Apr 2005

#3

Posted 18 August 2005 - 02:37 AM

Those poems are cool. There good.

BrassKnuckles
  • BrassKnuckles

    Iconic

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  • Joined: 02 Sep 2002

#4

Posted 19 August 2005 - 02:19 AM

The rhythm has to jive. People read poems like they sing songs--with a rhythm that they expect will repeat itself during the next stanza. Personally, I stopped reading your second poem "Untitled" about the second stanza for that very reason. The rhythm changed and I was forced to read too many syllables and too many words.

For some pointers, read some other poetry work in this forum, such as that of Hard Margin or 40ozFreak.




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