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A few poems

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Chalkstar
  • Chalkstar

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#1

Posted 10 August 2005 - 06:34 AM

Here are a few sort of lil' poems I have written. I would like any constructive cristism please.

[Writer's Note: If you see any poems that seem to resemble real life poems, please state. They must have had a lasting effect on me when I'm writing and I would like to know which poems they are. I'm not sure but a few parts seem to connect with me more then others]

QUOTE
Tired of being accused
Don't want to be abused
I've had enough
Times are too tough

I know what to do
I must start new
Stop my previous life
Forget all this strife

Not time to hide
Time to decide
I sit at home alone, bleeding
This is the life I am leading


QUOTE
I wish I was a bird, and fly away
Fly away from this pain

I wish I was a fish, and swim away
Swim away from this pain

I wish I was a kangaroos, and hop away
Hop away from this pain.

I wish I was snake, and slide away
Slide away from this pain

I wish I wasn't here, away from the pain
I wish I wasn't here in pain


There could be more to come. I'm trying to come up with a few ideas.

xxnofear617xx
  • xxnofear617xx

    Not Cool Enough...

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#2

Posted 11 August 2005 - 01:19 AM

at least somebody is posting in the writer's discussion

gta phil gta
  • gta phil gta

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#3

Posted 11 August 2005 - 01:25 AM

I'm not really one for poems, but they weren't bad, I guess. tounge.gif

The first one was going pretty good, but kinda stops flowing at some points. Different word choice would also improve the flow.

The second one, I can see what you're trying to accomplish with it. If it were looked at by someone into the whole poem thing, who knows how it may come across, but to the joe public, it has little meaning. No rhymez, yo. wow.gif Just kidding, of course.


@ xxnofear617xx: Yes, but if that's all you have to contribute, don't post please. It may be a forum that is rarely active, but it doesn't require spam, thank you. Your post contributed to nothing, and wasn't on topic. Yes, the forum is inactive, quit beating a dead horse and stay on topic. wink.gif




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