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My first Story

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Mr.Mister
  • Mr.Mister

    Capt. Downtown

  • $outh $ide Hoodz
  • Joined: 24 May 2005

#1

Posted 14 June 2005 - 12:29 AM

Ok i have a story and i changed some of it. Its called liberty city survivor. Ok here it is. Im not done yet so far.I got the idea by listeing to the commercial on chatterbox


Liberty City Survivor

*Vroom* *Vrooooom*!

Hmm lets see whats on chatterbox,

Tonight is the tv show that will make history, liberty city survivor,
This show is about people running around and shooting and the last
man standing WINS! Tune in nightly or watch the 24 hour live webcast!

Liberty Survivor, Where people shoot people!

Sponsered by ammunation.

Hmmmm... Looks interesting i might join... Infact ill go to their
office and sign up!

While driving to bedfort point claude got a call saying that the diablos
and the mafia are having a gange war and claude said "screw off" and he
turned off his phone.

7 minutes later i got out of my car and walked towards th office entrance.

"Hello Sir"

"Hi Bitch." Replied claude quietly.
"Do you have any papers to liberty city survivor?"
"Yes we do, Here you go."
"Thank you."... Hmmm... Ok im done signing the paper here you go.
"Thank you sir."
"No problem bitch...

*click* *click* Claude was going to the liberty city survivor website
at his computer at his hideout in the red light district.

Oh cool i can view cameras of diffrent areas. Hmm lets see under the cahallan
bridge.... Oh cool somebody is on fire. And its 10:00PM Oh liberty city survivor is on!

*beep* *beep*... *you have one new message!*

Hmm my MSN messenger has a new message. Says that you can go to ammunation and get a gun
so you can start liberty city survivor. I replied back "Dont worry i already have my own guns..."
  • AceRay likes this

Over The Wall
  • Over The Wall

    Pumping Propaganda since 04

  • The Connection
  • Joined: 02 Sep 2002

#2

Posted 16 June 2005 - 02:01 PM

Nice to see you try.

A few things though:

Try to keep the point of view consistant. You go from saying "Claude walks up to the table" to "As I walk up to the table" for example. If you want it in first person, just try to integrate it throughout.

Make a paragraph in the beginning that gives a little background info.




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