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Highball

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Brown Streak RR
  • Brown Streak RR

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#1

Posted 02 June 2005 - 10:05 PM

Okay, first off, this is not GTA related. Just thought I'd say that.

This is an idea I've been forming for a long time, and this is sort of the rough draft of that idea. Not perfect, by any means. Hopefully you can get the overall jist though. It almost sounds like a cheesy TV movie, or a cheesy novel, but what the heck. I have never seen this type of story done. I have some good ideas too. Let me know what you think. I value feedback. Criticisms are welcome, as there will probably be a lot of them. tounge.gif

Here's the first few "chapters", I guess you could call them.

HIGHBALL

NEW HOPE, PHILADELPHIA SUBURB, PENNSYLVANIA 4:11 AM

“Get up Devon! Now! You’re going to miss your train!” Rachael hollered from the bathroom. “Remember last time? You almost got fired,” she continued. Devon, still exhausted from all his trips the previous week, just mumbled and began to crawl out of bed. Rachael, his lovely but persistent wife, continued to pester him as he undressed and clambered into the shower. Rachael, as usual, had prepared everything for him – a full bottle of shampoo, a towel on the translucent shower door, and his conductor’s uniform, all pressed and ready to go on the bed.. Some hated the married life, but Devon couldn’t see how. He and Rachael had fun together all the time. That is, the time that they actually had together, of course. Both worked for RailAmerica, the nation-wide rail system which sprung up after Amtrak died away in 2006. Now it was 2008, and RailAmerica was doing better than ever. The union was happy since they gave ex-Amtrak employees jobs and great benefits. Profits were through the roof, thanks to RailAmerica actually caring about its passengers.
After his shower, Devon checked the clock. 4:16 A.M. It was going to be a long day. He made a mental note to tell Rachael that this was his last trip for the month, and he’d have at least a week off. He had to take close note of when he wasn’t working, as it meant more time for them to spend together. That was the time he held dear to his heart. Although, how her schedule worked was another matter, and he reminded himself to confer with Rach when exactly they could spend some quality time together. She worked as a dining car stewardess on RailAmerica, as they were both raised in railroading families. It was a perfect fit, the two of them. At the rate the world was deteriorating, Devon was wondering precisely how long it would be until the divorce, although he hoped that would never happen. He desperately wanted kids. Very badly indeed.
Devon wrapped up his morning routine, glanced over the paper, and got ready to make his exit. Adrenaline was beginning to build up, as Devon was one who loved his job, and his run today would be on one of the grandest trains around. It was an opportunity—and a rare one at that—to be the conductor of such a fine train known around the country, and possibly the world for that matter.
“Okay, honey, I’m out! I’ll have my cell on if you need me!” Devon shouted as he grabbed a granola bar from the pantry. “Yes dear! Have a good journey. I’ll see you when you get home!” she called back down the steps from the bedroom. No doubt she was still in the bathroom. All women were like that. Why would Rach be any different? The thought subsided as he climbed into his Honda Accord, the new 2008 edition, and opened the garage door. He recalled as a kid, when he first got his license, how he backed right through the door without even looking. He brought the garage right off its hinges, or the equivalent of hinges, or whatever. He’d never forget his father’s face that day. He was pissed. Then again, the garage-repair man wasn’t so happy either.
One last wave to the bedroom window, and Devon floored the accelerator as he sped away from the average home in a Philadelphia suburb off to 30th Street Station to report for work.


NEW YORK NAVAL YARDS, PORT OF NEW YORK 4:32 A.M.


John always had to operate the navy switcher. It was his job. Sure, he took pride in being the only Navy Locomotive Engineer on-site, but it got boring sitting behind the throttle shunting cars all day at the docks. He always was fascinated with the shipments he was moving. A little part of him hoped that one day something interesting would happen, like maybe a bomb blowing up, or a car rolling out of control off the tracks and into the water. However, today would be no out of the ordinary. There was one crate, however, coming off of the USS AMERICA which caught his attention. ‘Danger’ signs all over the place, sort of like a crazed nut with bumper stickers would have all over his station wagon. The crate, which had been shoved into an ordinary boxcar, had been obscured as some sort of food delivery which was ‘Very Urgent’. Suspicious, John thought. John only knew this because the guys in the yards talk, and this was certainly unusual for a naval shipyard in New York. All they ever saw was supplies, and maybe a gun or two if they were lucky. It was just ships, mostly. As John moved the switcher towards the boxcar, which was ‘DESTINATION: NEW YORK’, he received a CB radio call ordering the clandestine piece of rolling stock to be placed on the outbound freight which was heading towards the city. This might get interesting, and he was determined to figure out where this mystery car was actually going.


WEST NEW YORK, RAILAMERICA ASSEMBLING YARDS 6:42 AM

The final boxcar was joined to the brightly colored locomotive at the last minute. It made the yardmaster angry, that such a piece of equipment would arrive just a few minutes before the train was due to depart for 30th Street. His consist roster did have it listed as important, but he couldn’t figure out for the life of him why it would be on a cross-continental passenger train by the looks of it. Ah, well, he wasn’t one to argue. He was okay, as long as he got paid for the disturbance. The engineer, Wally Stevens, gave one last wave goodbye from the cab as the train began to roll slowly, following the 5 MPH yard speed limit. It was certainly hard to miss the red, white, and blue double-headed locomotives, and the maroon red and crimson blue passenger cars trailing behind them. That was the beauty of the RailAmerica paint scheme, the colors looked grand and elegant without being too toy-like. The thought subsided, and the yardmaster gave one last sigh as the 16 car long train turned the corner, and into the sunrise for the trip to Philadelphia against the beautiful New York sky.


So, yeah. That's it. What do you think? More if demanded...

Hehehe. Look forward to hearing from you.

DAVEY007
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#2

Posted 06 June 2005 - 11:11 PM

Nice story Brown. ~DAVEY007

DarkGTA
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#3

Posted 09 June 2005 - 09:46 PM

Great story, Brown Streak. user posted image


Brown Streak RR
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#4

Posted 10 June 2005 - 02:16 AM

Thanks for the comments guys. I'm glad someone replied.

smile.gif

Wingman
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#5

Posted 10 June 2005 - 04:12 AM

Sorry I haven't replied to this yet, I really like it. I like how you mention the little details without getting too "Silas Marner-ish" with them. One small thing I did notice, in the first section you said he really liked his job but in the second part he seems slightly bored with it.

Brown Streak RR
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#6

Posted 11 June 2005 - 04:23 AM

QUOTE (Wingman @ Jun 10 2005, 00:12)
Sorry I haven't replied to this yet, I really like it. I like how you mention the little details without getting too "Silas Marner-ish" with them. One small thing I did notice, in the first section you said he really liked his job but in the second part he seems slightly bored with it.

Thanks Wing.

If you read carefully, you'll realize that Devon (the RA Conductor) in the first part, is a totally seperate character from John, the navy switcherman, in the second. That's why they have different feelings on their jobs. It jumps back and forth, and my next update--if any interest--will be much more organized and fluent.

smile.gif

Magephil
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#7

Posted 11 June 2005 - 04:28 AM

Great writing style and narritive, it really sets the mood.

Now lets see where this story is going colgate.gif !

Brown Streak RR
  • Brown Streak RR

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#8

Posted 17 June 2005 - 01:57 AM

Thanks for all the comments.

I have more written down, I just haven't typed it yet.

COMING SOON. *lol*

For those of you who want to know a bit more about where the story is going... (Hopefully you'll still read it...)

SUMMARY:

It's a unconcievable nightmare. A new prototype nuclear warhead stolen by Mideastern terrorists. Unknown to anyone, it never leaves the country, but it instead disguised as a U.S. Naval shipment bound west from New York City. The goal? To detonate the explosive in Los Angeles and cripple the major American metropolis.
There is only one flaw. This warhead is not being shipped as intended. Something has gone wrong. Somehow it ends up on RailAmerica's American Eagle crack cross-country passenger train. Only one man can save the west coast and the train he loves. And that man? Devon Hall. The conductor of the fateful train. All aboard!


Kinda okay. I typed that in one minute. There is much more to the story, so don't get scared away by that. biggrin.gif

Cuse510
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#9

Posted 10 July 2005 - 05:13 PM

This is good, but what's with the long lay-off? Are you planning on finishing the story or have you abandoned it? I think you should try to finish it, because that summary you wrote out sounds pretty interesting (even if it's a little corny tounge.gif )

Brown Streak RR
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#10

Posted 10 July 2005 - 05:33 PM

Thanks for your interest Cuse. I'm actually re-doing it a bit to make it, uh, less corny. I have not abandoned it, but with work and everything (excuses, excuses) I haven't had much time. But I am working on it. smile.gif




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