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Beautiful

5 replies to this topic
mykellhorror
  • mykellhorror

    Hi. I'm Michael.

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#1

Posted 04 May 2005 - 11:00 PM

This is an old one, but the first I'm posting on the forums having never visited the Writer's Discussion before; but expect to see me here more often... without seeing me.




Beautiful

by Bautista

I heard something outside
And I thought it was you
But as we all know
Dreams don’t always come true.
I thought you came back
A few days early
But a stranger was there
Waiting downstairs for me.
His face was in shadows
I was scared for my life
For in his left hand
He was holding a knife.
I wished you were here
So I won’t be alone
I screamed “Why are you
In my beautiful home”

I looked for a face
But found no reply
Until he informed me
I was going to die
I thought I would tear
The intruder apart
But all I could feel
Was the pulse of my heart.
Unable to move
I could hardly speak
The chains of my fear
Had made me so weak.
I offered him fortune
Fame and good luck
I told him that in the
Garage there’s a truck.
The gas tank was full
He could just go away
It wasn’t my time
To die; not today.
All I saw was a blur
As he put the blade in.
“Why are you cutting
My beautiful skin?


People always say
That when somebody dies
They see their life flashing
Before their own eyes.
For me there was nothing
But panic and screams
This wasn’t exactly
The death of my dreams.
There wasn’t a face,
So I said to the knife
“What have you done
To my beautiful life?”



dr zoidberg
  • dr zoidberg

    Drain on society

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#2

Posted 05 May 2005 - 12:10 PM

This is excellent, not only does it rhyme but more importantly its metre is perfect. This gives it a flow, it's more like a song than a poem when I read it. It's dark, intelligent, and well-written. I like how the last verse kind of brings it all back together, it's like a narrator concluding the story perfectly. And the simple style is great, metaphors like "chains of fear" add a lot to it.

ThaddeusMcKlown
  • ThaddeusMcKlown

    Relentless Pursuit of Progress

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#3

Posted 05 May 2005 - 01:30 PM

i msut say, it's incredible! smile.gif

Is there a meaning behind it?????
-TM-

mykellhorror
  • mykellhorror

    Hi. I'm Michael.

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  • Joined: 28 Jun 2002

#4

Posted 05 May 2005 - 06:59 PM

It's loosely based on the murder of Sharon Tate. Thanks for the comments. More poems to come...

ChristianAvenger part2
  • ChristianAvenger part2

    Protecting the world against Old Scratch

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#5

Posted 03 June 2005 - 11:44 AM

this poem is stupid. you suck. i hope i never read any of your poems again barf8bd.gif




smile.gif





















jk its cool

Canofceleri
  • Canofceleri

    OG

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#6

Posted 03 June 2005 - 04:43 PM

Sharon Tate? That would be the whole Squeeky From, uh, Manson, Kubrick's wife slaughtered thing?

Either way the poem might be called "Beautiful" but the poem is not beautiful. I'm not exactly a poet myself, but I know a bit about it. As someone said, it rhymes and has good metre... but it's elementary. Maybe it's my bias, I don't like rhyming in poetry much... but...

"People always say
That when somebody dies
They see their life flashing
Before their own eyes."

That's uh... generic and boring. I'm not trying to be an ass, man. If people were honest with me about my writing when I was younger maybe I'd be a better writer today. But you seem to have raw talent, and if you're around 14 that's really good work. If you're much older you have a lot to worry about. Just keep writing and you'll get better.

Reading doesn't hurt either.




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