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I made my FIRST song

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Zeek911
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#1

Posted 18 April 2005 - 12:44 AM

Crush or be Crushed

I meet this girl a while a while ago
She turned out to be a f*cking hoe
I said I loved her, now I donít
Use to hug, but, now we wonít
She was pretty hot if you know what I mean
Like one of those beauty queens
She was acting stupid like Dark Vader
But now sheís f*cking voting for Nader
So f*ck you hoe, f*ck you bitch
Youíre a stupid worthless piece of sh*t
So go to hell with all your friends / Iím sorry babe but you lost your trend
Your a f*cking loser with a crappy pen/ And you lost your only friend
You got no taste, I told you no one could save her
And guess what I want to kill you with a taser
I donít know what else to say, Ďcept your f*cking gay

So now itís over and Iím glad
Cause Iím a fool for all I said
She never said good-bye to my face
I said thatís a f*cking disgrace
I miss her already, I really do
I miss too much, I cried boo-who
I was thinking about her all last night
Just the though of her name, gave me fright

I wish that we could be together
I wish that we could stay forever
I wish that we could do this right
I wish that I was Mr. Bright
I wish that I could be with you
I wish that I could make it true
I wish that you were in my sight
I was that I wasnít so uptight
I canít believe that we came through
I canít believe that have you
I canít believe our times together
I canít believe that you stole me sweater
I thought that you were really nice
I thought if you had me I could add some spice
Iím really upset, itís making me sad
That youíre with him, thatís making me mad
I thought you loved me, and that I loved you
Thinking about us makes us, makes it true
No not really, it still kind of hurts
Why are you, such a f*cking flirt

COPYRIGHT^^

jimmy.
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#2

Posted 18 April 2005 - 12:56 AM

That's horrible. How old are you? It sounds like an 8 year-old wrote that. Keep trying, though, maybe you'll write something good one day.

G twenty-nine
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#3

Posted 18 April 2005 - 01:05 AM

QUOTE (JIMMY12 @ Apr 18 2005, 00:56)
That's horrible. How old are you? It sounds like an 8 year-old wrote that. Keep trying, though, maybe you'll write something good one day.

Ouch. It could only be good if I play guitar to it, playing so loud you can hear the singing. tounge.gif

Smurf You
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#4

Posted 18 April 2005 - 01:06 AM

The f*ck?

It's like part emo part rap. I think it might be successful with impressionable preteens, but as for artistry it's somewhere between New Kids on the Block and Chingy.


Zeek911
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#5

Posted 18 April 2005 - 01:28 AM

I can play guitar with it, butI can't put it on my computer.

Canofceleri
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#6

Posted 18 April 2005 - 01:34 AM

In a word: it f*cking sucks (okay, maybe more than a word). You sound young, and if you're not then stop writing all together. However if you are young... don't worry about it, you could get better.

QUOTE
Ivory Plane

Gentle breeze caresses,
my fingers strike the ivory.
The patter of the sinking,
sinking down from one another.
I see my shadow distant,
painted upon this lonely plane.
A sound so reminiscent,
of what is and used to be.
I see my shadow distant,
painted atop my only pain.

The smooth wood bed for ivory,
will be my open casket.
Meanwhile Iím left dying
for another note to play.
I leave my feelings distant
to wash away in the cold rain.
The sound so reminiscent
of what I thought I did see.
I see my shadow distant,
painted atop my only grain.


That's a song I wrote for a band I used to be in (thank God I am not trying music anymore). Now, it's not the best, at all. But I wrote it about two years ago when I was 16 and it's better than say... the following that I wrote when I was 13:

QUOTE
Utopias

Struggling - to reach higher grounds,
to bathe in the fifth,
to satisfy the hunger.

Cuddling - so please keep it down.
I am allergic to
the sh*t that makes frown.

I--------
will find the plateau made for stepping,
hold this body away from the cold.

I will find it.
I will find it.
I will find it.
I will find whatís to behold.

Itís boggling - a new order of minds.
Iím left questioning
the vague and the profound.

I--------
will find the plateau made for stepping,
hold this entity far from the cold.

I will find it.
I will find it.
I will find it.
I will find whatís to behold.

Searching for impossible.
Willing to die for what is simply hopeless.
You put it on the line for the impossible,
willing to die for the impossible.

I--------
will find the plateau made for stepping,
hold this f*cking body away from God.

(musical breakdown & solo)

I will find it(hold it all away).
I will find this.
Say, ďI will find it.Ē (get it far away)
I know I will someday find it.
I will find it(so cold).
I will find whatís to behold(I am cold).


The above sucks. Hardcore. But consider how much my writing grew in just a few years. It'll come, but the only way to get better is to keep writing and by reading. Just don't make it sing-songy. Even though it's a song... lol. In other words... don't do this: "I met a girl the other day/ I had to let her have her way/ She strapped me down onto the bed/ I slapped that bitch till she gave head/ But when it was all said and done/ She'll be the mom of my first son". No...

Zeek911
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#7

Posted 18 April 2005 - 01:49 AM Edited by Zeek911, 20 April 2005 - 10:08 PM.

I made another songm I can't finish though


A LOST LOVE

A lost love is not want I needed
All it did was just kept me bleeding
Sheíll be there when Iím thinking
But when Iím gone sheíll be leaving
Iím trying to figure out what she wants
Itís not my love, and not my taunts
I sitting down here with her wondering what to do
Can't help but think of you
Iím thinking if sheís is the right one
I wanted me and you to have a son
I wondering if our love is true
Causeí all I want to do I be with you
Why am I here, I canít live on
I keep saying our love is strong
But she keeps moving way too fast
Why isn't our love wide and vast
I wish that we had a white dove
Causeí you pulled me deeper into a lost love

I'm trembling and donít know what to say
Canít seem to feel glad in anyway
All I want to do is be with her
The thought of her name makes me purr
I want her so very much
I want to feel her beautiful touch
But sheís leaving me right now
I canít believe her, and I can't tell how
I want her so badly, I made a song for you from me
Iím still thinking we can make it through
Causeí Iím still in love with you
Iím feeling like I want to throw up
Iím missing when we use to drink out the same cup
Those were the days I use to hold too
No Iím wondering why the skies arenít so blue

Is it that Iím not good enough
Or is it that Iím not too buff
There's other fish swimming out there
But why not Zeek, he's going nowhere
I can't believe this it's making me sad
People said get over her youíre making her mad
Now Iím feeling like Iím about to go above
Causeí now Iím in a lost love

superfantastiche
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#8

Posted 20 April 2005 - 07:26 PM

Heh. Nice ones people. Really nice and happy. I can't talk about happy songs, my best one involves the chorus;

Swing by my neck from the tree in your garden
Want you to see but your windows are barren
I called out to the parade moving outside the houses
And I can see the field full of tall crosses
And the limbs swaying like limbs in the forest

just another thug
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#9

Posted 20 April 2005 - 09:49 PM

Lmao. Keep trying Zeek... or maybe just quit. Yes, it would be better to just quit.

Zeek911
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#10

Posted 20 April 2005 - 10:12 PM

my friends say they like it, maybe they say it cause they're my friends i dont know

Huitzilopochtli
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#11

Posted 21 April 2005 - 02:37 AM

Stop starting sentences with "I", more than half are, and that bugs me.

BUSTeD
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#12

Posted 21 April 2005 - 01:54 PM

QUOTE (Smurf You @ Apr 18 2005, 01:06)
but as for artistry it's somewhere between New Kids on the Block and Chingy.


But see, even chingy could grasp the concept of syllables. That is why chingy has such a brilliant flow and this stops and starts like a motherf*cker.

liberty-city-cocks-rule
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#13

Posted 21 April 2005 - 06:43 PM

QUOTE
I donít know what else to say, Ďcept your f*cking gay


Wtf? Are you kidding?

I think you should try again.




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