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Harlem
  • Harlem

    The Renegades

  • BUSTED!
  • Joined: 04 Feb 2005

#1

Posted 17 April 2005 - 10:02 PM Edited by Harlem, 18 April 2005 - 12:00 AM.

Chapters
Chapter 1
Chapter 2


Summary

This story will take you into the experiences of a young female from Hollis, Queens, New York City as her life begins to unfold and mature all within the walls of a female correctional facility (as they called it) named Albion Correctional Facility which is located in upstate New York.

Chapter 2

Let me take you back to life before Albion. It was typical to young teens in New York City but it was almost a dream. It wasnít until I was arrested that reality actually sunk in. The thing that bothers me the most is that I didnít have to deal drugs to get by. I wasnít like people living in Harlem or other neighborhoods. Hollis is full of rich families but that still didnít curb my cravings for the expensive clothes. I wanted them so bad that I fooled myself into thinking I needed them. Money was my world. Now my world is contained inside these walls.

My family split up in 1999, literally. My Dad moved out and my mother and I stayed in Hollis. They werenít far, but it sure felt like it. Iíve only seen my father once since the split. I replaced him with the presence of my brother, who was like a father to me. Thatís how I got into everything.

I would always tag along with Darrell when he went out with his friends. He never minded either because he knew heíd rather have me doing these things in his control rather than on my own. I was friends with most of his friends who werenít much older than me. I became especially close to one of them. We actually ended up dating a year after we met. Thatís how I got into the drug business.

His name was Jay. He was one of the drug top dogs. Jay only sold Cocaine. Thatís the biggest money maker in Hollis. I started with marijuana and stayed there. I wanted more time with Jay and I wasnít getting it considering drug dealing was his biggest thing then. Instead of sitting around crying about it, I eventually went out everyday on 205th street. Jay never wanted me to go out on the streets doing this activity. Eventually, I did so behind his back without him knowing. He always bought me the most expensive gifts he could find. I felt awkward about not being able to give him a gift that was as good or as better as the gifts he gave me.

One day while I was dealing out on 205th street, one of his friends saw me. I had to tell him before he found out from someone else. When Jay found out about how I had been dealing on the side without him knowing, he was furious.

Ciabatta
  • Ciabatta

    Rude Boy

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  • Joined: 08 Dec 2003

#2

Posted 18 April 2005 - 02:19 AM

Good job, Harlem. Another great chapter. It reminded me somewhat of the movie Blow because like Blow, it starts to tell of how this individual got involved with drugs. I really like it, keep up the good work.

reemah
  • reemah

    runaway

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  • Joined: 12 Jan 2004

#3

Posted 18 April 2005 - 02:53 AM Edited by pirate_girl, 18 April 2005 - 02:56 AM.

I'm not liking it, Amanda. Your writing style is plain. You like using words like "nice" and "wonderful" too often:
QUOTE (from chapter one)
nice foliage, and nice cars

in the same sentence? Jesus Christ and Mary, could you be a bit more vague? You need more "blood" to the story, more life, more description. There is no dialogue either. You need to make it seem real.

I'm not "feelin it" I guess. I could re-write this story in few hours, make it 5-10 times longer, and make people feel it.. feel it baby.

rolleyes.gif

Harlem
  • Harlem

    The Renegades

  • BUSTED!
  • Joined: 04 Feb 2005

#4

Posted 18 April 2005 - 12:13 PM

Thanks for the feedback, I only used "wonderful" once in two chapters though.

Canoxa
  • Canoxa

    Woosh.

  • Zaibatsu
  • Joined: 08 Oct 2004

#5

Posted 18 April 2005 - 07:07 PM

Pretty good Harlem. Keep up.

Justin
  • Justin

    have a cigar

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  • Joined: 30 Jun 2004
  • None

#6

Posted 20 April 2005 - 09:28 AM

Amanda, I must say, I agree entirely with pirate_girl. I didn't like it.

QUOTE
I eventually went out everyday on 205th street. Jay never wanted me to go out on the streets doing this activity. Eventually, I did so behind his back without him knowing.

Instead of eventually you could have used such words as 'soon'.

The tenses also seemed a bit messed up.

BTW, why have all the multiple accounts?




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