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The King of Liberty City

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#1

Posted 14 July 2004 - 04:07 AM

so i've wanted to write something that was like a sequel to the events of 'gta3', but after the gta saga pretty much did some of the key things i wanted to do (travel to vice city, 8Ball coming to help 'Fido'), i'm stuck for original ideas. i don't know exactly where i'm going with this message. basically, sometime soon i'm gonna start writing it, and it won't be the most original thing you've ever read, so it's a heads up, but it'll be good (i hope) anyway. and i at least have a title (see topic name).

also, i'm gonna give 'fido' a real name. any ideas as to what it should be?

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#2

Posted 14 July 2004 - 04:10 AM

James T. Fido

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#3

Posted 14 July 2004 - 02:12 PM

only if i can have Jean-Luc 8Ball.

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#4

Posted 14 July 2004 - 04:49 PM

Original. sarcasm.gif

I hope you're going to add a twist to this story, mister bored. Maybe some humor, a little suspense...maybe add a mysterious cult of llamas. This "post-GTA3" theme is like the everyman's idea.

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#5

Posted 15 July 2004 - 01:16 AM

yeah. like i said, i'm concerned about the originality, but this is something i wanna do.

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#6

Posted 15 July 2004 - 04:54 PM

QUOTE (BrassKnuckles @ Jul 14 2004, 12:49)
Original. sarcasm.gif

I hope you're going to add a twist to this story, mister bored. Maybe some humor, a little suspense...maybe add a mysterious cult of llamas. This "post-GTA3" theme is like the everyman's idea.

Bored, make sure you don't write about llamas. Brass just gave me an idea for a new action-thriller about space llamas.

/sarcasm


But serisouly, try and add something different. I was wanting to do something like this, but I never did because I couldn't think of anything new.

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#7

Posted 16 July 2004 - 03:39 AM

i'm not starting until i come up with some new ideas. and i suppose i could change those llamas to camels, and you can have your thing wink.gif

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#8

Posted 16 July 2004 - 07:14 PM

QUOTE (Wingman @ Jul 15 2004, 16:54)
Bored, make sure you don't write about llamas. Brass just gave me an idea for a new action-thriller about space llamas.

*Steals idea*

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#9

Posted 21 July 2004 - 04:28 AM Edited by bored, 21 July 2004 - 03:29 PM.

well, the no-llamas agreement means that i can't have 'fido' working for michael jackson now (darn Shifty41s_beerhatsmilie2.gif ), so i'm going to just make this up as i go with it. i mean, i have some structure idea, but don't expect everything i write to be thought out ahead of time.
So now, without further ado, the beginning of:

rampage_ani.gif rampage_ani.gif The King of Liberty City rampage_ani.gif rampage_ani.gif


This was hardly how he had anticipated spending most of his evening. Marc 'Fido' Horovitz was not looking like his usual self. He was wearing colored contacts, and his hair was convincingly (from a distance) dyed red. To that end, he wasn't dressed in his typical dapper style. The plaid shirt was completely new to him. He had worn them a little when he was a teenager, but just to be cool. Now, Maria had insisted that he put one on for this job, which he still felt insecure about. The Leone family hated Marc, and if they spotted him, and recognized him, they'd kill him on the spot. And they knew what he looked like. Long ago (or so it seemed) he had worked for the Leone mafia syndicate. But certain things had gotten in the way. Actually, one thing: Maria.

But that didn't matter right now. He needed to find his mark (Shiro had insisted on the word 'mark', and this had ellicited a great deal of laughter and masturbation jokes from 8-Ball), and he hadn't seen him. Not that that didn't make sense. Like Marc Horovitz, Tony Cipriani had angered the Leone's. Not as severely as Marc had, but enough to feel the need to run to the protection of the Yakuza. Marc had always liked gruff old Tony, and he actually liked the idea of giving the old lug a hand, but this was dangerous. The Yakuza had plenty of lesser goons that could go to the Portland section of Liberty City, so why had they sent him? But, when it all came down to it, he knew why. He had sent plenty of clear, non-verbal messages saying he wanted it. He liked the danger of it. Ever since he had helped dismantle the South Side 9's, he had kept relatively quiet. But not tonight. Tonight, what mattered was spotting-

"Tony!" Marc whisper-shouted. He was a few feet behind Tony Cipriani now. The aging Italian thugh twirled around.

"Who the hell?" He gasped. "Wait a second, Marc?"

"In the flesh," Marc responded.

"Fido, are you nuts? If the Leones catch you, you're dead, with a capital D!" Tony was struggling to keep his voice down.

"I know, I know. Listen Tony, I'm the guy who's supposed to pick you up and take you to Staunton."

"So you really are workin' for the Yakuza now. Well holy sh*t Fido, good job," Tony almost seemed on the verge of laughing.

"Tony."

"Yeah."

"Keep calling me Fido and I'll hog-tie you and drop you off in front of Sex Club 7 right when Joey's bringing one of his girls out."

"Whoah, hey easy Fi.. er... Marc," Tony said. "By the way, the disguise is crap."

"Yeah, yeah, I know," Marc groaned. "Come on."

Tony Cipriani followed the man he and his friends had once jokingly referred to as Fido to a Blista minivan waiting a block away.



"So Marc, whatever happened to that Kuruma?" Tony asked. They were over Callahan bridge now. "You know, that old blue number that you took everywhere."

"Uhh, it's at home. Unless Maria found where I hid the keys," Marc responded. He had been driving that Kuruma since that faitful night when he and an explosives expert who called himself 8 Ball had escaped from the armored police vehicle bringing them a county jail. He had grabbed it on this very bridge, in fact.


Marc knocked on the door to the back of a bay-side condo. A buff Japanese man opened the door, and Marc went inside to the pool. Tony, in awe of the ritziest backyard he'd seen in a long time, followed. One of the pool chairs was taken by an attractive Asian woman. Her legs were long, but seemed unproportianately thin. That made sense, as she hadn't been able to use them in quite a while.

"Hello hunky," she smirked. She rested a cup in her hand on the arm-rest of a wheel-chair that was next to her seat. "And is this you're friend?"

"Tony!" A woman in the deck-chair next to the Asian yelled.

"Maria?" Tony gasped. Maria got up, ran to Tony, and hugged him.

"Let's get to business. Can you still coordinate a good heist?" The Asain woman asked.

"Of course. But can't I have a little time to breathe?" Tony responded. She chuckled.

"Of course."

"Why don't you two get to know each other?" Maria suggested. "Me and Marc have got some 'business negotiations' to work out at home."

"And the matter is very pressing," Marc said, grinning and holding her close to him. "By the way, Tony Cipriani, this is Asuka Kasen. Tony, Asuka. Asuka, Tony. Now play nice."

"I know we won't be," Maria said, matching Marc's grin.

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#10

Posted 21 July 2004 - 04:56 AM Edited by gta phil gta, 21 July 2004 - 07:15 AM.

Los parafos por favor.

Phil-translate™ - liek omfg paragraph dat sh*t homey!

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#11

Posted 21 July 2004 - 03:04 PM

can do.

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#12

Posted 22 July 2004 - 03:37 AM Edited by bored, 23 July 2004 - 03:19 AM.

continuing:


An armored security car rounded a corner, getting off of the bridge that connected Shoreside Vale and Staunton Island, the two outermost islands of Liberty City. There was an explosion, and it coasted on two wheels for a second before being righted. The speed increased greatly, and sirens sounded from a distance. Cops had quickly surrounded the armored car.


Watching the chaos on the news, Tony Cipriani grinned. It was working.

"We got the real one?" Tony asked.

"Yes," a Yakuza man responded. "Horovitz and that explosives man are on it."

"You mean 8Ball? Yeah, he's good," Tony said.



The second armored car, this one with the actual payload, pulled into a garage a few blocks from the ensuing action. A man stepped out, and called out for one of his coworkers. This time, unlike all the others that they had done this, no one was waiting for him. He called again. No answer. If the money from the bank to Mr. Love's vault was late, it'd be his ass on a silver platter.

"Carl, where the hell are you!?" He finally shouted.

"Who the hell's Carl?" 8Ball whispered from the shadows.

"The guy in the back. I checked his tag," Marc responded. "Now come on, he's looking the other direction."

Marc and 8Ball slipped closer to the armored car, and Marc held up a baseball bat.

"Hey there buddy," Marc said out loud. The car's driver turned in time to get smashed in the face by his bat. "Now pop the back doors!"

8Ball hit a button on the car's dashboard, and the back doors opened. He called out for assistance, and several Yakuza men came in. They grabbed large sacks of cash from the back of the armored car, and went out back. Marc and 8Ball took a few themselves, and went with them.




"Mr. Cipriani, I must know," Asuka started, "How did you know about the decoy car? I've wanted to hit Love's pay shipment for months, but I didn't dare take it in public."

"The Leones and Love have an 'understanding'," Tony answered. "They buddy it up, and agree not to hit each other with anything. That guy just never keeps secrets around us... them."

Tony was still getting used to having to leave the Leone family. But if he had stayed in Portland with them, he would've been beaten to death, he was sure.



"So what'd Cipriani do to piss off Joey?" 8Ball asked, as he and Marc sped off in Marc's Kuruma.

"Something to do with money," Marc answered. "Ask him yourself, when we get back to Asuka's. He'll explain all about it."

"So wait, when Salvatore thought you were boning Maria--"

"Before I actually was," Marc chuckled.

"You dog," 8Ball laughed. "Anyways, he put the hit on you immediately when he heard that."

"Yeah."

"So, why, if it's a big money issue, would they wait to hit Tony?" 8Ball asked. "I mean, he was still in Portland when you got him, but the Leones were probably ready to rip him the shreds. Why was he able to wait so long?"

"Joey's not like Salvatore," Marc answered. "You know that as well as I do. He's not as impulsive. He likes to scare someone a little before whackin' 'em. Not like his dad, who just killed as soon as he could."

"Damn," 8Ball knew that the late Don Salvatore Leone was a ruthless man, but he didn't realize just how much. Not that that mattered now. Marc, 8Ball's best friend since they escaped the prison vehicle, had killed Salvatore just to get a job with the Yakuza, and most likely, to stay near Maria.

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#13

Posted 23 July 2004 - 03:54 AM

"You've seen 'em then?" Joey Leone, the kingpin of Portland's mafia activity, was furious. He had hesitated in getting back at that embezzling scumbag Cipriani, and now he'd gotten away, and with the help of Horovitz. Joey wanted that lapdog dead, and he had since he'd found out that he was the one who'd killed his father, Salvatore.

"Positive. I had one a' my boys do a stakeout down by 8Ball's old place, and the saw 'em going in that Kuruma," Luigi answered. Luigi was the owner of Sex Club 7, which had seemed much funnier when he'd first named it, and one of Joey's right-hand men.

"We may have something here, Lou," Joey said.

"How do ya' mean?"

"We've got a good reason to go after Marc and his Japanese buddies. They've got someone in their protection who stole money from us. That's a legitimate reason to go there and get them."

"But boss, wouldn't killing the old don be one?" Luigi asked.

"Not then. They were expecting us. You remember I tried sending a coupla guys out there to hit Horovitz, and he took them all out himself," Joey responded. He got up out of his armchair, and walked out onto the deck of his cliff-side home. Luigi followed.

"I still don't get it Joe. We HAVE had a good reason to hit the Yakuza for a long time, why is this so different?" Luigi only hoped that the logic wouldn't piss his boss off too much. Getting to a Leone was never a good idea.




Meanwhile, Maria was streaking through a mansion in Shoreside Vale nearly naked. Marc chased after her, before tripping over a couch.

"Hey, John Ritter, you gonna hurry up now, or am I gonna get away?" Maria laughed. Marc got up, his grin growing, and chased her through another room. He finally caught her, and lifted her off the ground from behind.

"I don't think so cutie," He said.

Technically, this wasn't their mansion. Their actual place of residence was a spacious, if not dreary, apartment in Staunton Island, a few blocks from Asuka's condo. But a few months ago, Marc had shot down the owner of this palatial building. And it was an ex of his, so he figured he had some right to it. It was now controlled in Asuka's name, but he could easily afford it if he wanted to pay himself, which he didn't. It was just a good place to escape to with Maria sometimes when he'd been working hard and wanted some uninterrupted playtime. It was largely isolated from everything, in the farthest island of the city, and inside an electric fence and an electronic gate. The remnants of the the Columbian cartel that had once been based out of this house had attacked once, but Marc had wiped most of them out single-handedly (and multi-gunnedly, it should be noted), and the Red Jackals, a street gang Marc was friendly with, had taken the rest. Marc felt that this was the only place in Liberty City that he was truly safe in. Not even with the Yakuza did he feel as protected as when he shut himself and his lover in the mansion. He knew that eventually he'd move in here permanently, hopefully with Maria. If they ever got around to marrying, it'd be in this place's scenic back-yard. But it wouldn't surprise him to know that, on the complete opposite side of town, several different people were planning his death.

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#14

Posted 26 July 2004 - 04:26 AM

It was historic in Liberty City, this meeting. For the first time, the Leone family and the Triads were together without trying to kill each other. They had one common goal here, to plot the fall of the Yakuza in Staunton Island, and the death of Marc Horovitz. How many people from each camp had he killed, how many operations had he ruined. He had rampaged the Triads, and betrayed the Leone family. And the Triads were never exactly friendly with Tony Cipriani, so that just sweetened the deal. The meeting was smooth. Joey Leone and Lee Wen Ha met without fighting, and began deciding a plan of action. Marc 'Fido' Horovitz had angered almost every gang in Liberty City. If they could get all of them on board, not even his precious friends in the Yakuza could protect that brooding ass.




The rain poured down all over Liberty City. Maria, holding an umbrella, turned around and yelled to her boyfriend.

"Come on Marky!" She yelled. He didn't have his own umbrella, and she had insisted on simply grabbing the only one in the car and rushing out. He had to settle for pulling his ever-present black jacket over his head.

"Slow down!" He yelled back. "You could've waited."

"Baby, it's only a few feet," Maria laughed. They were crossing from Marc's Kuruma to the door to Asuka's condo. It waas, predictably, supposed to storm like this all night, and the power had gone off in Marc and Maria's apartment, so Asuka had invited them to ride out the weather with her.

Maria pressed down on the door buzzer, until Shiro Tanaka, one of Asuka's confidants, rushed out to let them in. They passed by her pool, which was near-flooding, and went inside, where Asuka had the tv on.2

"I was beginning to worry," she said, not really meaning it. "By the way, Marc, King Courtney called. He says to send you to his place on Saturday."

"Sure," Marc said, not surprised. 'King' Courtney was the leader of the Yardie gang, made up of Jamaican immigrants, many of whom had amassed over the last twenty years in the downtown Staunton area. The Yardies and the Yakuza had once been enemies, but Marc had progressively organized an alliance between the two of them. Courtney had become so impressed with his new allies that he began contacting Asuka instead of directly going to Marc when he needed him.

"No business right now guys, please!" Maria said. "Come on, I wanna watch a movie."

So the couple sat down on a sprawling brown couch in front of the tv. Shiro switched on the DVD player, and stuck in "Rashamon".

"I hate subtitles," Asuka smirked.

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#15

Posted 26 July 2004 - 04:27 AM

is anyone actually reading/enjoying this? i need to know. constructive criticism, PLEASE!!

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#16

Posted 26 July 2004 - 05:46 AM

It's ok. I mean like it's got potential and it really shines at some points, like your understanding of the GTA 3 characters and your explanations of their backgrounds. At some points, however, it's kind of corny, (dead with a capital d? lol) and sometimes things either seem to drag or get cut off too quickly. It's hard to explain. For example, you spend a paragraph explaining Maria and the house that they are in, as well as its history, but about three sentences describing the destruction of an armored car. Also, your choice of speech description make the story sound rather dull and lose some of its charm. I don't think I read anything more descriptive than "gasped". There are also a few errors and things that you overlooked.

QUOTE
"Hey there buddy," Marc said out loud
Of course he said it out loud!

Another example:
QUOTE
"Maria?" Tony gasped. Maria got up, ran to Tony, and hugged him.
I'm not sure if Tony would be so surprised to see somebody he already knew was there. Happy, but not surprised.

Stuff like that, minor errors.

Another item of interest is how often you mentioned Maria. I haven't played GTA3 for a while but if I remember correctly she wasn't at all very involved in the running of the gangs or anything business like. She was actually not really a major player in the course of the game, basically just a love interest of Fido's and served as the "damsel in distress" element needed for the final mission. Yet here we find her with Fido planning heists and basically doing a role as one of the main characters in the story. Also I thought Asuka was dead? Wasn't she murdered by Catalina? I guess that's your interpretation.

Ok, I'll stop bashing you and get on to the good stuff. First off, your characters are well developed and you can tell what sort of people they are (even though they all seem to be very happy). Secondly, there is a plot. Trust me, after some of the stuff I've read in my life this raises your score 30% smile.gif. Your story is obviously broken down into digestable chunks with a plot that follows a pretty linear and understandable path, and at the same time remains interesting to keep the readers guessing. Thirdly, you pay attention to the little details. You inform us exactly what is going on, like how Asuka was watching the TV, or what movie they were playing, leaving as little as you can to the imagination. This can be irritating when done excessively, but you maintain the overall idea of your story. Finally your story is relatively free of an excess of gramatical errors, which is quite remarkable for its length. Keep it up.

Have a nice day.

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#17

Posted 26 July 2004 - 11:24 AM

Stop... please. Goddamn... off the bat this is reall plauged with problems. Now, tell me... think about this, why would Tony not be loyal to the Leones? Especially when he was next in line to be the Don... dozingoff.gif

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#18

Posted 26 July 2004 - 04:02 PM

that is slowly coming out. it's story developement, dude. i'm no professional writer (obviously) but i'm working on it.

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#19

Posted 26 July 2004 - 04:06 PM

QUOTE (the_conspiracy @ Jul 26 2004, 05:46)
It's ok. I mean like it's got potential and it really shines at some points, like your understanding of the GTA 3 characters and your explanations of their backgrounds. At some points, however, it's kind of corny, (dead with a capital d? lol) and sometimes things either seem to drag or get cut off too quickly. It's hard to explain. For example, you spend a paragraph explaining Maria and the house that they are in, as well as its history, but about three sentences describing the destruction of an armored car. Also, your choice of speech description make the story sound rather dull and lose some of its charm. I don't think I read anything more descriptive than "gasped". There are also a few errors and things that you overlooked.

QUOTE
"Hey there buddy," Marc said out loud
Of course he said it out loud!

Another example:
QUOTE
"Maria?" Tony gasped. Maria got up, ran to Tony, and hugged him.
I'm not sure if Tony would be so surprised to see somebody he already knew was there. Happy, but not surprised.

Stuff like that, minor errors.

Another item of interest is how often you mentioned Maria. I haven't played GTA3 for a while but if I remember correctly she wasn't at all very involved in the running of the gangs or anything business like. She was actually not really a major player in the course of the game, basically just a love interest of Fido's and served as the "damsel in distress" element needed for the final mission. Yet here we find her with Fido planning heists and basically doing a role as one of the main characters in the story. Also I thought Asuka was dead? Wasn't she murdered by Catalina? I guess that's your interpretation.

Ok, I'll stop bashing you and get on to the good stuff. First off, your characters are well developed and you can tell what sort of people they are (even though they all seem to be very happy). Secondly, there is a plot. Trust me, after some of the stuff I've read in my life this raises your score 30% smile.gif. Your story is obviously broken down into digestable chunks with a plot that follows a pretty linear and understandable path, and at the same time remains interesting to keep the readers guessing. Thirdly, you pay attention to the little details. You inform us exactly what is going on, like how Asuka was watching the TV, or what movie they were playing, leaving as little as you can to the imagination. This can be irritating when done excessively, but you maintain the overall idea of your story. Finally your story is relatively free of an excess of gramatical errors, which is quite remarkable for its length. Keep it up.

Have a nice day.

now, ya see, this is more like it. someone just saying the problems with the story, but not being a dick about it. that's what i wanted. and too explain somethings: i'm not always good with things like 'said', 'gasped', etc. etc., so that's just something i'm trying to improve on. the deal w/ asuka is that i had it so she's been crippled after being attacked by catalina. not necessarily killed by, but i mention her not being able to use her legs. and i didn't put maria into any of the plotting, did i? she still spends alot of time hanging with asuka, but she's not a business person. and with tony (i know, i know, it's spelled with an 'i' in the game) being surprised to see maria, think about it. he never actually saw her there, so i probably always took it for a rumor.

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#20

Posted 26 July 2004 - 09:30 PM

There may be something that is useful to you. It is called the "EDIT" button, and it lets you add things to current posts. It helps to prevent double posts.

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#21

Posted 27 July 2004 - 12:34 AM Edited by bored, 27 July 2004 - 03:41 AM.

well, if you insist.

on a similar note: yay! people are actually reading this!

continuing on:



"There!" A black man wearing a purple jacket called. More men with the same clothing followed him. They were members of a formerly prominent street gang on Shoreside Vale called the South Side Nines. The last several months had not been kind to the Nines. Their rivalry with the Red Jackals had taken a turn for the worst. And it all came in the form of some greaseball with a baseball bat. They were just beginning to regroup, and now he had shown up in their turf. Well then, that would be the end of him.

"Get the vans!" Another Nine shouted. They had a small armada of grey vans with purple painted on the sides, similar to the ones that their rivals drove, but they got mad when that was mentioned.

He hopped into his van, let three other Nines join him, and turned the key on the engine. The van exploded instantly, and the explosion took another van next to it in the following moments.



Marc slapped 8Ball a high-five.

"Another fine show, good chap," Marc said in a faux-British accent.

"Right-ho my boy," 8Ball replied, doing the same thing. "Now come on man, we gotta see D-Ice. Get our cash, ya know?"

"Heh, don't I always?" Marc grinned.



It was still raining. 8Ball's beige Esperanto screeched away from D-Ice's apartment building.

"5 grand," 8Ball said, eyeing the briefcase in the back. "Marc, we can do better. sh*t, we have done better. God knows how many times."

"It's a solidarity thing," Marc answered from the passenger seat. "And keep your eyes on the road! Jesus Christ 8Ball!"

"Sorry," 8Ball quickly turned his gaze back to the wet streets ahead.

"But like I was saying, man, I know the Jacks don't pay as well as some of the other people we run jobs for, but if I stop helping them, they're gonna be pissed."

"So?"

"So, I don't feel like making another enemy on this island," Marc continued. "I'm doing well on Shoreside. The Cartel is a joke now, and the Nines are barely grasping for life since I hit them. But I'm on good terms with the Jacks, and I wanna keep it that way. I've got everyone on Portland wanting to cut every interesting appendage from my body and feed 'em to the dogs. And Staunton I'm good on, but that's because there are really only two gangs there right now. And I stayed up all last night watching Kurasawa with the leader of the more powerful one and my girlfriend, who is her best friend."

"Hey, from what I heard, they used to be more than that," 8Ball laughed. Or he did until he saw the angry look on Marc's face. "Oh, uh... Sorry."

"Eh, it's fine," Marc said, his face going back to it's normal expressionless look. Then, it turned into a grin. "But they aren't at it anymore, so how can I watch?"

They both had a good laugh.

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#22

Posted 28 July 2004 - 05:12 AM

Tony hesitated before entering his new apartment. He was paranoid. It was understandable, but it still bothered him. He quickly slipped into the front room, and drew his gun. He looked everywhere. Nothing. He locked everything, put his gun on his nightstand in his bedroom, and went to sleep.


8Ball didn't want to join Marc today. Too sleepy after being out late the night before on their attack on the Nines. Not that his expertise was needed tonight. No, tonight Marc simply needed to deliver a message. On Portland, but still just a message. While Tony's paranoia came from the fear that the Leone's had followed him to Staunton, Marc's came from being on their home turf. He could take care of himself, but he just didn't care. He only took this job for thrill-seeking. Well, he had found it. He hadn't taken his Kuruma. That'd be too obvious. He always found a random sports car, like a Banshee, which he always enjoyed, and did these quick jobs fast. Not like when he had gone to pick up Tony. He wanted inconspicuous as ever that time. Not today. This was go in, drop off a package quickly, and get the hell out, damn whoever spotted him. Cars as fast as a Banshee weren't common in Portland.

"Hey! Look who it is!" A voice that he assumed belonged to a Diablo called out. He was near his destination.

More Diablos noticed Marc speeding by, though not long enough to make a difference. The Diablos had a love/hate relationship with the man, and whenever he was in their area, it was always interesting.

He stopped his car in front of a pay phone in between two apartment buildings. He aimed a flare gun into the air, then quickly taped up a note to the phone. He made sure it was secure in the windy weather they had that day, and sped off like a mad bastard.

One of the Diablos looked at the note.

"Bring this to El Burro!" He called to a fellow gang member.

The note read: Stay clear of the Italians, or you'll be one dead Democrat mascot.



That was utterly stupid, Marc thought. It was in terms of both the job that he had taken on, and the content of the message. Asuka had written it herself. She wasn't always as creative as she liked to think. But hey, he was done now.

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#23

Posted 28 July 2004 - 06:26 AM

If you have written more of your story and have extra to add, can you please start using the edit button? Thanks.

bored
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#24

Posted 29 July 2004 - 04:23 AM

i add in new posts so that people know that there's a new installment, especially after someone else posts under it. but if they don't do that, then i'll just use the edit button, if it's that important.

continuing:


That the Diablos understood the message, Marc wouldn't have been surprised, but that they actually seemed afraid, that would've shocked him. It just sounded to stupid to be frightening

"No!" El Burro would yell again and again. He didn't want to mess with the Yakuza, and that was understandable, but he should've been equally scared of the Mafia. But with El Burro, people listened to every crazy idea. He was a powerful man, but also a rather bizarre one.




"You are a crazy mutha, Marc, that's all I got to say," 8Ball told him.

"Yeah, yeah I know," he responded. "I am crazy. I don't know 8Ball, sometimes I just want to go and try to get myself killed. Lord knows I don't deserve it."

"Hey, hey, hey, man, don't talk like that!" 8Ball was worried. "You've done plenty that makes you worth it."

"Aww, how sweet of you. 8Ball, stop watching Oprah," Marc mocked. "Look man, it's complicated, my feelings on going to Portland so much. I just like taking risks. Thrill seeker, ya know?"

"I think I see where you're gettin' at, but dammit man, eventually you know Joey's gonna get ya if you keep it up," 8Ball wasn't sharing Marc's attitude. Frankly, he was becoming frightened for his friend.

"8Ball, relax. Believe me, if I wanted to get myself killed in Portland, I could've done it," Marc unsuccesfully tried to reassure. "I stick mostly with quick jobs. In and out, ya know?"

"So that's why Maria's been in a bad mood," 8Ball dug. He was starting to feel better. "Hey, there's one!"

He picked up his remote control and piloted the toy car near the van they were talking in out onto the street. A large blue Cruiser was passing by. The car came up to it's side, and exploded.

"Heh, nice!" Marc shouted. "I call the next one."

It was getting harder and harder to find thugs working for the Columbian Cartel anymore, but when they could, Marc and 8Ball always took the oppurtunity to terrorize them. The experiment to bring SPANK into Liberty and test it's effect would've been succesful if not for Marc Horovitz. He had killed there leader, and most of their members who had arrived in Liberty City. Now, they stuck with the occasional cocaine run, and they steared clear of Marc, Maria, the Yakuza, and anyone else that made a scary face at them.

"There!" 8Ball pointed at the TV screen in front of them.

Marc drove out another car, and it blew up.

"sh*t, that wasn't a Cartel Cruiser!" Marc yelled. "Oh well. Let's head out before the cops come."

8Ball agreed, turned on the ignition, pulled out his van that read 'Toyz N The Hood' on the side from the back alley it was in, and drove to the parking garage that he now based his work near.

BrassKnuckles
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#25

Posted 29 July 2004 - 09:39 PM

QUOTE
Marc drove out another car, and it blew up.

QUOTE
The cat played with its yarn, and it fell off the table.


Can you see the difference? I can't.

Point is, when you write that something exploded, of all things, you need to describe it. Readers want details on important events, such as explosions, so that they might feel a little more immersed in what's going on.

Just run through these questions: What does the explosion look like, first of all? Flames and smoke? A ball of fire? Windows popping and tires bursting? What does it sound like? Does it make your character shudder, scream, or fall over? What does it smell like, smoke?

I mean, if car explosions happened every day, you'd be alright. Luckily, they don't. turn.gif

bored
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#26

Posted 30 July 2004 - 01:37 AM Edited by bored, 31 July 2004 - 03:36 AM.

'So then the car drove up to the cruiser, and detonated, and there was all this fire and stuff, and glass and metal and body parts flew everywhere, and Marc laughed, cuz explosions are sweet!'

but really, thanks for the advice.

continuing:


Rain continued to beat down on Staunton Island. Marc wasn't in his car, and he didn't have anything better to cover his head than his pulled up black jacket that he was rarely seen without. He had misjudged the weather, and thought he'd have time to walk home without getting soaked. He was very wrong tonight. He only hoped he was out of 8Ball's sight by the time the rain started.

He had gone back to 8Ball's shop after their expedition in the 'Toyz N The Hood' van. They'd knoshed on some left-over Chinese food, joked about the job that day, and then Marc figured it was time to go home. It was getting late, and he figured Maria would be home by now. With no interesting sales going on today, she was probably too bored to do anything but watch TV and make another poor attempt at cooking.

So here he was, on the end of his street, getting tired, and feeling entirely too wet for his tastes. This was a man who barely even knew how to swim. He wasn't a big fan of water. He continued walking, until he came to the entrance to his building. It was a downward slope that led down to a few doors and a garage, where his Kuruma and a few other cars he had 'found' were situated. Past the garage was the elevator to his floor. He took the elevator up to the second floor, and got out to a poorly lit hallway. Every room in here was open to him. This whole building was basically his and Maria's, but he was thinking of renting it out to someone. Maria wouldn't be thrilled with that if he ever got around to doing it, though.

"Hey babe!" Maria called. She was standing in the threshold to one of the rooms at the end of the hall. Marc raised his hand and waved to her.

"Heya hot stuff," he said, forgetting his thoughts of renting rooms out. "Miss me?"

"Oh, you know I did," she answered. "Ooh, come in. I've gotta show you something!"

"Not another scented shampoo, is it?"

"No!" Maria shrieked. "My God, Marc, why do you complain about that so much?"

"Maria, what gender am I?"

"Oh, you just think you're so funny," she said, putting her hands on her hips. "No, no, no, I found this really good looking resort down in Vice City. I was thinking we could visit sometime."

"Maria, I'd love to, but I'm busy as hell here all the time, you know that," Marc said.

"So take some time off. Listen Fido, you don't need to stay on your feet all the time," Maria said, coming up to him and putting her hands on his shoulders. "I want to take a vacation to someplace nice, and I want you with me."

She leaned up and kissed him quickly, then got down off the tips of her feet.

"You just won't make this easy, will you?" Marc asked, with a bit of the playfulness that he took on with her when he just wanted to chill out after a long day. "Besides, you remember what happened last time we went to Vice, which was only two and a half months ago."

"Oh, come on Marc, that was business. Besides, it wasn't a big deal," Maria tried to assure him. "He's probably calmed down about it."

"Maria," Marc started, "Tommy Vercetti is not the type to let a grudge go quickly. Believe me, I know. I mean, I respect the guy and all, but he was whining and bitching because I blew up one car."

"Inside his garage," Maria reminded him. "Now will you please check out this brochure?"

Marc gave in and took it, and sat down at a table in his kitchen. He smelled the air. Yes, Maria had tried to cook again. Whatever it was, he didn't dare guess.

Cpl Hayz
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#27

Posted 05 August 2004 - 06:35 AM

Are you ever going to finish this or at least add more? When i start reading a story i always like to be able to finish it; i go nuts if i don't.

bored
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#28

Posted 05 August 2004 - 11:45 PM Edited by bored, 07 August 2004 - 03:50 AM.

something's messed up here. i added a whole new passage a few days ago, and now it's not there.

well, i'll tack it onto here:


A red and white Yakuza-issued Stinger sports car sat in the parking lot of the Kasen Casino. It was once Kenji's Casino, but Kenji was long dead, and his sister had preferred it this way. The car belonged to an unimportant Yakuza thug who's job it was to rough up cheaters in the casino. His coworkers had parked cars around his. They all finished their shift in twenty minutes. Around the time they all went out together to their cars to go home, their replacements arrived, and took their places. This was routine for the lower level Yakuza who worked the casino.

To most, it was irrelevant. To a prostitute who had spent the night with the owner of the Stinger, it was fascinating. her client was slightly drunk, and began spilling all sorts of minor details about his life and his work. She hadn't told him about her employers. He really didn't care. He'd paid his fair, and done all the standard things.

Tonight, he was coming out of the back of the casino with his coworkers, just as always. The men who would take their places shortly were just pulling up. He said his goodnights, and got into the Stinger. He put the key into the engine, looked at the other cars around him, and turned the key.




The phone rang, and Asuka jerked out of sleep.

"What?" She snapped, angry at being woken up at 3:24 in the morning, as most people would be. "What?! sh*t! I'll be right there!"

She rolled out of bed, and into her wheelchair. She picked the phone back up, and dialed for her chauffer.

"Hiroki, get down here now!" She yelled. "Get a car ready now!"



Shiro Tanaka and Tony Cipriani were waiting when Asuka arrived. Her chauffer unfolded her wheelchair, and helped her out of the car and into it.

"Now what the hell happened?" She asked, with what almost sounded like panic.

"One of the cars blew, and it took about six more with it," Shiro answered. "We don't know who ordered it, but I'd keep my eyes open."

Off to the side of them, Tony was barking orders to various Yakuza.

"Cipriani!" Asuka called. "What have you found out?"

"Nothing," Tony answered. "I've got them finding out everything about everyone who was in those cars from the last week. Someone planned this well, and we need to find 'em now!"

What Tony didn't add was his concern that it was the Leones, finally coming after him for the money he took. But did they really dare cross the Yakuza? He could only hope not, that it was a different group. But this was a good hit. Whoever had planted the bomb in the Stinger had done so without being seen, and had known when to detonate it. What worried him was that it might have been planted in this very parking lot, but he needed to check the security tapes for that. In the meantime, he needed to call 8Ball right away.

bored
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#29

Posted 11 August 2004 - 03:48 AM Edited by bored, 22 August 2004 - 04:55 PM.

before i'm flamed for it, i'm adding this as a new post so that people will know it's updated.




8Ball put down his magnifying glass, and turned to Tony.

"This wasn't timed, or set off by remote," he explained. "It was hooked up to the engine, so that it'd go off when the key was turned."

"You sure?" Tony asked.

"Yeah. There's no timer on here, and there's no reciever for a remote or radio signal. That's gotta be what it is, then."

"I dunno, 8Ball," Tony started. "It just doesn't seem right. That'd mean that the bomb was planted in the parking lot, and we still haven't seen anyone on the surveillance tape."

Tony would've said more, but his phone wrang.

"Yeah?" He listened, then disconnected and looked at 8Ball. "Alright, we found the tape with him."

"Yeah? And?"

"He hid in the trunk," Tony looked embarrassed. "He hid in the goddamned trunk. Some little Chinese guy, I'm guessing a Triad, slipped out a little bit after everyone was inside, planted the bomb really quickly, and ran like all hell."

"You sure?" asked 8Ball. "Cuz this looks like it'd take more than a minute or two too install."

"Would it be possible at all?"

"Yeah, but it'd take alot of skill," 8Ball answered. "Hell, even I'd have trouble with it. And I don't know of anyone working with the Triads who could work so quickly."

"Well," Tony said, "They've obviously got someone. Whatever it is, I'm gonna tell Shiro and Asuka we need to step up security." He glanced behind the blind over the window to his own car nearby. "Listen, 8Ball, don't you call me a sissy for this, but think you could make sure nothin's planted on my car while we're here?"

"Ha. No thing, man."





The light changed from yellow to red before the orange Infernus could get to the intersection. The driver, a mildly succesful lawyer who had had a good night at the casino a few months ago, cursed quietly. He darted his eyes around, before spotting the man next to his car. He was big, and he was dressed like some two-bit thug. The thug in question was quickly making his way into the driver's seat before the light changed.

Driving off, he thought a little about why people never locked their car doors, but then shrugged it off, just thinking of it as a convenience. His pager went off. He glanced at the name on it, then turned on his cell phone and dialed.

"Yes," came the voice on the other end.

"Asuka? It's Marc. You paged me."

"Right. Marc, get down to the casino," she said. "We've got trouble, and I'd like you to take care of it."

"Any chance I get," he responded. "I'll be there in a few minutes."

He spun the Infernus 180 degrees, and sped off towards the casino, causing a few thousand dollars in damage to the city in the process.




Marc was escorted to Shiro Tanaka's office, where he found Shiro, Asuka, and Tony waiting for him. On the floor by Shiro's desk was a hooker tied up and gagged.

"Is it my birthday?" Marc smirked.

"Marc, this is serious," Shiro groaned. "This women is employed by Luigi Goterelli. I'm sure that name rings a bell."

"So what? He runs a brothel out of his club. What's new?"

"She's been posing as a free-lancee here for three weeks," Tony cut in.

"Did you just say 'lancee'?" Marc asked.

"Ha! I told you he'd catch it!!" Tony beamed as Shiro handed him a fifty-dollar bill.

"Moving on!" Asuka yelled from beside them.

"Right," Shiro put his wallet away. "She serviced Goro Akuhana, one of our cleaners, ten days ago. His car was the one with the bomb that detonated."

"Point being?" Marc asked, as the hooker started squirming. Asuka grabbed her hair and yanked upward before speaking.

"We got the little bitch to tell us that she was getting information from him," She said. "Nothing that would seem too crucial. Just when he and some friends got off a shift, but Luigi found out, and he used that to his strategic advantage. It was made to get our attention, to rattle us a little. But here's the kicker: the man who actually planted the bomb was a Triad. She doesn't know much about it, but it seems that the Leones and the Triads have actually been able to put aside their differences. Marc, this may be it. They are coming for you. And, most likely, Maria and Tony as well."

Tony winced at the thought that Staunton Island wasn't safe from the Leones anymore. Marc was afraid of the idea that they would make an attempt on Maria.

"What do you want me to do?" Marc asked.

"Watch your back. Marc, I know you're a risk-taker, but now is not the time for it. You need to be cautious all the time, and you need to watch out for Maria, because I'm sure Joey Leone will want to get her if possible. Keep a weapon with you at all times."

"I already do that, and I have a good body-armor dealer a few blocks from your place."

"Good. I'd also advise you to ask your friends on Shoreside Vale to be more vigilant. If the Portland gangs know about your involvement with them, then they'll be sure to strike at them. The Yardies will, I'm sure, also be willing to help out."

"Good thinking. And I know a guy on the other side of Staunton who can keep my weapons stocked. His name's Phil. Machowski introduced us."

"Whatever. Just keep all that's happening now in mind," Asuka said.




Not significantly far from here, a middle-aged man was getting off the phone.

"Excellent," he said under his breath, suppressing a wide smile.

"Mr. Love, you're 5:00 is here for you," a secretary said over the intercom.

"It's 4:50, make him wait."

Cpl Hayz
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#30

Posted 13 August 2004 - 07:32 AM

More, please! just can't get enough of this, nice work!




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